2023-03-21-Gil-Aspects of Compassion (2 of 5) Attunement

7:14PM Mar 23, 2023

Speakers:

Gil Fronsdal

Keywords:

attune

awareness

suffering

person

attunement

compassion

stability

stable

feel

present

foot

wind

tune

standing

happening

aware

nourishing

rooted

sensitive

place

So hello, and welcome to this second talk on elements of compassion. And by having all the elements of compassion together, then compassion can be effective compassion can be, treasure can be nourishing for ourselves and hopefully beneficial for others. And so these five are awareness, attunement, appreciation, aspiration, and action. So today talk about this attunement. But the attunement is built on the capacity for awareness. And one of the things I tried to convey in yesterday's talk about awareness is not just simply a matter of being aware, but it's also possible to be aware, in a way that is stable, rooted, aware, in a way that awareness is autonomous, independent, from what it is aware of. So that if you eat someone says something, you clearly hear it and know it. But the awareness is kind of like you, oh, you know, this is happening. But the awareness doesn't get ruffled. wareness doesn't get pushed around, doesn't get agitated, parts of you might get agitated. But you know that or there's agitation, parts of you might be afraid, you know, there's fear. And that the Awareness itself is not afraid. Awareness doesn't get pulled into anything. We don't. And part of it, we do that by managing not to identify with a thing like what this is me or lean into it or get glued to whatever thoughts, feelings, emotions, events are happening. Awareness is like this still point in the middle of the storm, or there's still point in the middle of everything. It's not becoming aloof is not becoming indifferent. It's not becoming uncaring. It's the opposite. That when awareness can be free, autonomous, independent, so we know whatever is happening, then we're able to meet everything with wisdom. Also, we can meet it with stability, when awareness is stable and free. Then when we encounter the world, we can figure out how to attune ourselves in the right way for the circumstance. So the analogy I gave in meditation, like to do again, that if two people are standing on a hilltop, one is standing on one foot on their tippy toes, and the other is standing both feet both flat to the ground, feet spread apart, very stable, kind of a strong, stable position. If a strong wind comes along, they're both impacted by the wind equally. And however, the one in the tippy toe is one foot is going to be blown over. The one who has sustainable footings, feet wide spread apart, can withstand the the impact of the wind. What can happen in that kind of situation, if you use us a metaphor for human experience life is that both two people can experience life events equally. But the person is doing the equivalent of standing on one foot will say I'm a really sensitive person. I'm so sensitive to pick up everything. And in a sense, it's true. But both people might be sensitive, but what equally sensitive but one has a strong grounding and rooted and the other doesn't. And then one who doesn't is the one who kind of will attribute the issue to the too much sensitivity, too much stimulus coming, which is definitely sometimes can happen. But it's a whole different way of living if you find that stability, of awareness here, because then you can figure out a given. If you know that and have that then you can figure out what direction to face against the wind. You can figure out how to stand and how to lean and how to attune yourself to the wind so the wind doesn't blow you over. So once we have ability to be balanced rooted in awareness, then that's a fantastic foundation for what leads up to compassion and then Next thing is to be attuned to the suffering of others. And, and I liked the word attune quite a bit. Because there's, when we use the word empathy, many people will interpret it as being, feeling what others are feeling. And so people who feel like that's really what you're supposed to do when you have compassion, you have to really feel the other person's suffering. And some people do that they do feel that other people are suffering. But I don't know if that's, that's not attunement. Attunement is to be very sensitive to the inner feelings of oneself, the resonance, the the tuned into other person taking in all the information and what's there. And because we're rooted in the awareness, the attunement is how do we dial in, so we have just the right, attune Manchester right way of being present for someone, people don't necessarily need you to feel their suffering fully. What mostly what they need is to have someone to be accompany them to be present, and to understand them, in fact, to feel people suffering so much that it becomes your own, you're not really available to help someone else, well, some people might appreciate it, because they feel that they're not alone. But there's other ways of accompanying people then kind of experiencing the same thing they're experiencing through them through some kind of empathy. And so attunement, and I like it because in the old days, when I was growing up, we had radios that you would tune into a radio station, and had to turn the knob, you know, and, and to get just the right wavelength. And if you had just little bit, either side of the wavelength that the radio station was coming in, you get a lot of static. So the same thing as we attune ourselves to other people, we're finding that place where there's not a lot of static, there's not a lot of leaning in or pulling away, a lot of spitting out and thoughts a lot of reactivity, but finding the place to be. And this is why the stable awareness is so important, because it's with that awareness that we can kind of find like, how do I really understand this other person? How do I really sense them or be with them in an effective way that useful for them? And for me? So attunement is not just simply experiencing people's emotions, attunement is the question, how do I be present for this person's emotions, this person's life, this person is suffering in a way that's supportive for them, and supportive for me. So there is a kind of choice, there's a kind of agency there, in how we experience the suffering of others. If we don't feel like we have an agency, we're supposed to just experience the suffering of others, or we just that's what we kind of do automatically. Then then we're not finding that place of agency of choice. And this is why the stable awareness gives a possibility to start finding, what can how can we be here in a wise way, and start feeling confident in this attunement process? This having the question, what's the wise way of being here? What should I be aware of here with this person, and we get a lot of information from other people who are suffering. And it's clear that some people want you to sit next to them. Some of them wants to have a listener who listens to them as they talk. Some people just want someone to bring them a cup of tea. Some people want to be left alone. And there's, you know, so you want to be attuned, what's the need here? What's and then as you feel that need or feel what's maybe appropriate to like, Okay, now how, how do I communicate with this person? How do I share my presence with them? Do I sit close? Or sit far away? Do I? Do I just divide? But do I really listen? Do I ask simple questions. And if you're not, don't have you don't that kind of closeness with the suffering of the world? And say it's through the news or something you've heard about far away? There's very little direct maybe information to be attuned with, but still, that a question can still be there. How given what I know how to be, how do I be attuned, how to be present and attentive, so be helpful in this situation, help over them and helpful to myself. And if we get overwhelmed or anxious or upset, or we allow it to kind of to, to feel it in such a way that we're on our tippy toes standing on one foot, then it can be overwhelming and confusing and I and upsetting, distressing

but to be attuned also means attune to oneself. And the question for oneself is, how do I be present for this person that I know who's going through some really hard time? Who's not sitting in front of me is maybe in some place someplace else? How do I be attuned and a big part of it, when you're alone? Away from the person might be? How do you attune yourself? So you can be present and aware where that place of stability, boundless strength, find the awareness that's calm and available, steady, and able to make choices able to, if the time comes to be attuned, and ask the question, what is useful here? How do I help this person? What, what does this person need, what kind of attention presence does this person need? And so there is an acute or strong sense of kind of knowing, recognizing, maybe even feeling and some resonance, weigh what the other person's feeling. But it's not feeling their suffering. If we're suffering because someone else's suffering, it's probably not empathy, is probably that's our own suffering. And that needs our compassion, find our ability to be present for that in a stable way. And ask the same questions for ourselves. How do I effectively attune myself to the suffering that I'm having? So I don't sink in it. So I'm not pushed around by it. So I'm not standing on one foot with it? How do I find the stability? How do I find the how do I answer the question? What's a useful way for me to be with his suffering? Because as soon as you ask that kind of question, the question of how to be attuned to how to be usefully present, you're beginning to separate yourself from being glued to the suffering being kind of immersed in it. It's a it's a expression or a growth of our kind of autonomy or independence or freedom to ask, How do I attune? And if we ask how do I tune to my suffering and someone else, it's deeply respectful. It's a way of caring very deeply. Because without respect for oneself without respect for others, I don't know if it's going to be compassion. And so that'll be the topic for tomorrow. Appreciation. So, awareness, attunement. And with the attunement, having appreciation and respect for the person, we're with their for their selves. And, and that that really critical element for it to be where compassion to be healthy, clean, and nourishing for everyone. So thank you. And if you want to do some exercise today, based on what I'm said, experiment through the day, about your best understanding what I mean by attunement, be with people and see if you can be attune to them, not identified with them. What does it mean that and, and a tune that's one of the things that means is to what kind of presence was useful for them. What kind of presence allows me to be in the circumstance without any static with some balance and stability? So experiment with that may be in small ways in that place in times that are not so challenging, so you get a feel for it. Thank you