Hey there party people, I hope you had fun celebrating me and my birthday on the 25th of this month. And also for those of you who attended the dance party or danced in my honor, the party was epic. I have appreciated all of the celebrations that have come in all of the well wishes. So thank you so much for all the ways that you celebrated me this month. I appreciate it, it's just so much more than I could ever express. So with that, welcome to episode 11. As always, my friend, I am dropping into your ears with some shit. And here it is when we actively keep things in a chokehold that we are desperate not to lose, or engage in beliefs or ideas or actions that are not serving us, or that are actively harming us, especially in a non obvious way all because we're so used to them, and are scared to let them go, then we are also actively expending big time, energy that is deeply depleting us on a mental, emotional and energetic level, and stealing our joy and ease. And ultimately, it's all actively standing in the way of us living authentically as well as within mindful and sustainable self care. And it's also adding to our overall stress level and feeling of dis ease. So here's the problem and the shit that we need to talk about. We live in a very possessive society that stems from a scarcity mindset, the idea that there is a limited amount of money, resources, time, opportunity and happiness that is available. So we must get as much as we can, as fast as we can, and either hoard it all, or use it for our own enjoyment so that it's not lost or stolen or reallocated to others. Our society is very possessive, and its beliefs of who power and privilege are afforded to and who they're not. As a result, this scarcity mindset operates on the premise that these limited resources are only available to the chosen ones, those who are closest in proximity to power and privilege in our society. And these are the people who are white or light skinned, formally and highly educated without disabilities. cisgendered male, heterosexual neurotypical have robust mental health, with a slim body type, or what society has deemed healthy and fit looking property owners middle class or rich, native English speakers, US citizens and Christian. There are more identities to add to this list, of course, but this is a pretty comprehensive start, I would say. We learn from a very young age that possessing and being possessive grasping and being attached our tools and signs of power and commitment, and that what we have represents who we are, and how successful we are, and how loved we are and how lovable we are. We've talked about all these things in recent episodes. We learn that in family dynamics, watching adults and through interacting with siblings and cousins, we learned on the playground, in religion and within religious spaces and in school. And this shit stretches into workplaces and our relationships, the Platonic ones, romantic and within ourselves as well. And I bet right now your mind is taking stock of all the ways possessiveness, grasping and attachments are at play in your life. With this scary truth is you're probably aware of some, but not all. These tendencies are often playing out in situations we are not outwardly conscious of. And here's the thing. We grasp onto shit even when the shit isn't ours to keep. And we hold on especially when it's not at all serving us and is actively harming us. And to make it even worse, the biggest fuckery is we don't let go of any of it under any circumstances, no matter what. We freakin hunker down and go full on chokehold and death grip on shit that we are afraid to lose ideals and standards that were either placed on us by others or society, or ones we adopted for ourselves because we are convinced that they equal status Having being rightness and enoughness. And it becomes our absolute, yes, even the stuff that is not for us, or that is actively harming us. This shit is bananas friends. And it's bananas for so many reasons. One of them being the way it's making us feel like we need to stay vigilant at all times on our things, relationships and status, like we cannot slow down or soften or change or ask for help or fucking let go as in be free or free ourselves of the shit that's no longer or never was for us. And the problem here is that it's keeping us stuck, unwell and chained to shit when we are meant to be ever changing, growing, evolving humans that can decide what we want and what we don't want. What we want to pick up and carry and what's a tomorrow problem, or deciding something we are plain old, done with without explanation, guilt or shame. This goes for ways of living friendships, the career path, we choose relationships, ideas about romantic relationships and marriage, parenting, where we live, and what kind of structure with whom, and literally any other idea, belief or action or decision we have about anything. What's more, we hold on to things others have said to us about us and adopt it as our truth. In some instances, even if it's not, we hold on to what others say about themselves, like it's all written in stone and cannot change. And then we're surprised hurt even when we realize people have changed their minds or done something differently. And the same goes for when they have feelings about the way we've changed or now doing things differently. And none of this makes sense. We're not on this earth to please others through our actions, nor are we obligated to be a certain way or have certain things because someone else says we should. And we absolutely are not duty bound to send out a memo when we change our minds or decide to do things differently. Unless the actions will impact others of course, right then a heads up memo would be nice. But friend, we are here ultimately to freakin live our lives freely on our terms and help others do the same. But what happens is this scarcity mindset, this upholding of this absolute, they compel us to form attachments that aren't super supportive or serving us that are often in fear of something bad happening or to avoid something bad from happening. It keeps us constantly grasping, worried to be without, or to one day, to have to deal with something we don't want or that we would be ashamed of or embarrassed by. So it's constantly an avoidance and fear. It also forces us to bypass ourselves and our needs, ignore our knowing and disconnect from our agency when our needs knowing an agency don't align or strongly push against what we are actively possessing, grasping and remaining attached to. As a result, we aren't authentically living in right relationship with ourselves, or adequately caring for ourselves in ways we actually need, or as deeply as we need. And that impacts the way we move through the world and connect with others. Because we'll constantly be hiding or putting on a facade. And that's exhausting and unfulfilling. I said it and I'll say it again. And when it comes to the way that this learned behavior of possessing of grasping and attaching ourselves to things, status, people and standards is expressed in the world really depends on our energetic makeup, our identities and our experiences in the world and kind of the intersections of them. From an Ayurvedic and energetic standpoint for people whose natural energy is unsettled and kind of that dominant energy of vata. It leads to feeling higher levels of levels of anxiety and an overwhelming need to be and doing all of the time. For people whose natural energy is highly motivated and critical. This is more dominance in Pitta energy, it leads to a desperation to achieve as fast as possible at any cost. And for people whose energy is naturally calm and slow moving and steady, this is dominant in Kapha energy. It can cause you to form really strong attachments which is what is the beauty of kafa energy but these attachments are not always in a good way.
So you may be wondering, what is the solution? Well, in yoga philosophy and yoga living there is a Yama and ethical practice, which we've been talking about since January different ones and today I'm offering the practice of a power Graha which translates to non possessiveness, non grasping and letting go of attachment. Yeah. Good. You imagine. It's it's a big one, and it's a tough one. In her book, skill and action author, Michelle Cassandra Johnson writes a par Graha builds on the intent of a Stayer. That's the armor that translates to non stealing, which is the ethical practice we discussed last the last episode, Episode 10, you should definitely check it out. She goes on to say it encourages one to assess unhealthy attachments, negative thinking, or old belief patterns, fears and desires. dominant culture thrives because of a belief in scarcity, a part Graha invites one to believe in abundance, you can friend and you should follow Michelle on Instagram at skill and action. And I'm including her handle in the show notes as well. And skill and action is a fantastic book, whether you are working in Dei, whether you are a yoga teacher or working in wellness spaces, it is such a wonderful tool and reference for any human being right now in our current climate of life. And so you might be saying yourself like, Well, that makes a lot of sense, right? But why is this really important? Like what are you getting at here stuff? Well, the reason that this practice of a park Ra is so important is because what I have found is the more you hold on, and the tighter your grip, and the more you try to acquire honestly, in actuality, the less you have of what you're so deeply attached to, you'll never have enough. Plus, the more blind spots you'll have. And the less you'll see in those areas of your life that you're so obsessed with, are concerned with, as well as other areas of your life. The more rigid and less open you are to realizing what doesn't work, the less open you are to unlearning or learning or understanding your points of bias and prejudice, and then the more disconnected you become. So when all of your effort to be more connected more attached. It's actually doing the opposite. And the reality is, we continue to live in unprecedented precedented times unprecedented times of violence and uncertainty, especially uncertainty within the continued chatter of the recession that might possibly happen. All of this has people struggling to maintain their Saturday sanity to feel stable. And in times of unrest and uncertainty where your patterns your fears, your beliefs will be spotlit and the ones that don't work or don't fit you anymore, or are actually harming you will be magnified. And so you will then begin to feel more uncertain, and struggle more with your sanity and feeling stable. The ease and the stability is in coming to terms with why you are holding on so tightly. And what you truly want and believe it's learning not to act out of scarcity, but in abundance in your belief of who you are, how amazing you are and capable you are. And that you are capable of showing up in hard times to your responsibilities, and even enjoy life. And amidst all the heart, it's in the belief that there is a community out there to support you, of your chosen community. It may not be parents or adult caregivers, it may be peers, it may be colleagues, it may be bosses, it may be community members, it could be so many different people, it could be people on social media. You know, society wants us to feel very isolated and alone in our individualization. But the reality is, there's a whole big community out there if you open yourself to it, and if you live authentically and rightly. And so it's also right, the act of establishing ease and stability is in figuring out what habits are supportive. What self care habits, what lifestyle habits you have, and maybe even adopting new ones that will be more resourcing for this time right now, and that will be sustainable for you moving forward. I thought maybe I would share a little bit about me when it comes to these learned tendencies. In my journey through them when it comes to possessing grasping and attaching myself, due to the scarcity mindset. In all honesty, I have had a chokehold on standards for myself the ideal life, what I was supposed to accomplish, who I was and who I was supposed to be, based on my parents experience as immigrants coming to America for more opportunity and the life they ultimately also created for me and my siblings. And holy shit, let me tell you, the first generation guilt is huge. I also developed perfectionism tendencies to feel like I was working toward being right and enough, as well as OCD obsessive compulsive tendencies in an in an effort to establish control all as a result of deep harm from prejudice and racism. Discrimination really, it's only been in the last 10 years or so that I've been examining my life and taking a magnifying glass to issues that keep happening, and figuring out what's the root cause. And what I've come to realize is that many of my beliefs, ideals and ideals were placed on me by my parents and society. I don't know why I didn't notice that before. I mean, obviously, that's what happens, right? But there were a lot that I didn't subscribe to anymore. I no longer felt like choosing the job that made the most money or taking any opportunity because it was offering money, or quote, unquote, the chance for like something else to happen down the road. I didn't feel like these were the right decisions for me anymore. I had done it, and it felt and I felt extremely disconnected, unfulfilled, overworked and overwhelmed. And it's true, my parents might have had to do these very things when they first came to this country or may continue to do this, because old habits die hard. But the actual reality is that I don't need to do this. Right. That's, that's not my cross to bear. And yes, I do need to work hard to establish myself. And yes, this is a privileged statement to make, right? I need to do what I need to do to pay my bills, and to create security for myself and my family. But I can also do work that's meaningful and fulfilling. And I can also ask for help. And that wasn't something that was afforded to my parents. And so, you know, for them, they needed to treat teach me how to be self sufficient. Of course, they're always there. And I know that I'm lucky that they are there for me, but still just their example. It was hard for me to stray from that. Another discovery I made was that my beliefs no longer aligned with the Catholic Church. I was raised Catholic for two reasons. My mom, although raised Hindu in Trinidad, went to a Catholic High School. So she was familiar with the religion and to simply because it would be more culturally acceptable in the States, especially in the town where my parents settled to raise us and in case you're new to spaces with me, at the time I was being raised in the generation my parents are from, you know, assimilation was huge. And so they did everything they could to help us to assimilate into culture here so we would be accepted and have the best opportunity at success in their mind. As I got into my mid and late teen years, I started to push back against a lot of the rhetoric around marry, like marriage dynamics, and birth control sexuality. And honestly, while I like rules and guidelines, because they kind of give me a sense of anchoring, I cannot get down with right and good being what the church deems it to be, or the message of do this or something else bad will happen or the Catholic guilt that comes with the connection between bad things happening as a result of not going to church or praying hard enough, or enough at all. I've always considered myself more of a spiritual person than religious. I mean, I was an active churchgoer. Since I do believe in God I sang in the church choir for many years, and Matt and I were married in the church but in my 30s, especially after having my kids and consider considering, like whether or not we would raise them in the church. I started an exploration of deep inquiry of the truths I was holding on to why they were truths to me, and start to uncover ones that weren't true any longer. So many of the Catholic Church's ideas did not align with the truths I hold dear. And I still felt attached like I felt like I could not step away like I would be failing or doing the wrong thing, honestly, doing what was would be a sin.
If I'm being honest, but I have to say like I'm sick and tired of religious people spouting off about community and love in a church while and while quoting the Bible, but then actively othering and verbally crucifying and denouncing those whose beliefs and ways of life don't match their own. And in the face of hate and adversity in this day and age, we can't love and pray our way out of it. And what in the actual fuck then does community and love actually mean? Honestly, I remained attached to the church for too long, grasping onto parts that were still palatable to me for fear of disappointing my parents or dealing with the judgment of others. But it was harming me. And I ended up having to do a lot of work to have conversations with my kids about how our belief system as a family doesn't align with what they were hearing in religious spaces. For fuck sake, friends, like, it was a lot. These days, I still pray every day, I believe, the God I believe in. It's fine. If you believe in more God's right, I believe that the God I believe in is loving and openly accepting. And I feel very deeply attached to that belief. But I'm no longer grasping onto the ideas or practices that were placed upon me in a religious setting. And this is no judgment on any of you who are Catholic, who are still deeply connected to the Catholic Church, I'm only speaking for myself, and there is zero judgment, for your beliefs, or anything else. Please know that. I want to share though, that the deepest reckoning for me has been happening with the effect of my experiences with discrimination and racism. So much of who I am as an adult, is a result of those experiences the harm of growing up in a predominantly white town, and being always surrounded by white teachers, advisors and bosses over the years, it's taken its toll. And while I've done a lot of work, and exploring and understanding the effect, there's actually still so much I'm still in backing, I realized just last year, in 2020 do in my 40th year on this earth, that I really don't know myself. For as long as I remember. Up until maybe five, six years ago, I listened to certain music, watch certain TV shows and movies dressed a certain way. So I could fit in with the white people around me, because that's who I was around, so that I can relate to them, quote, unquote, relate to them and have something to offer in conversation, or at least know what the fuck I was, was being talked about, right? I made myself a certain way, a version of stuff that was more like the white people I was around. And the only time I was really truly myself was when I was alone or with certain family members. And still, there was a lot that I hid for myself, too. I didn't have any clue until last year how in authentically I was living my life as a result of being othered. And in fear of being further othered for decades, and I was so clueless to the harm at all cost. Who friends, it's been a lot. So over the last year, I've been deeply assessing my unhealthy attachments, negative thinking, my old patterns of belief, fears and desires. This work in mindfulness and self awareness has been a lot and a whole thing. And a necessary thing because I can finally and truthfully say that I'm living my life in right relationship with myself. I'm no longer hiding or holding on to any thoughts, words, desires, or actions that are not truly mind. That goes for in my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, my connection with God, my ancestors, my departed loved ones, in my work in everything. I am so deeply attached to my knowing and agency. And I'm not gonna lie. I mean, it's not like there's no challenge, right? But I work hard in examining when fear is driving the car, and assessing whether it's fear of something bad happening, or if something good happening because friends, fear of something good happening in is an actual thing, right? We want change, we want to do things differently, but at the precipice of actually doing it. It's like holy shit, no. This is not comfortable. And am I really worthy of the good thing that could come out of this? Who I've worked really hard at letting go of attachment to Well, well, it's funny that I say attachment to is really a chokehold honestly, on outcomes and ideals and standards and don't get me wrong, like I still have objectives. I still standards, but they're ones I've chosen for myself. And I offer a lot of flexibility, grace and compassion to myself along the way. And as a result, the idea of abundance is much more palatable, accessible, impossible in my mind, which then supports and fuels decisions instead of scarcity. And I have to tell you, that's one chain And I am relieved to be free of. So maybe like, holy shit, like this makes so much sense and is blowing my mind and also good for you staff on your journey. But How in the fuck do I do this for myself? And, like I know there's or you might be saying, like, because I know for me, there's stuff in my present life not serving me. And you might be realizing that too. But what you might be doing is realizing like you may not know, any idea, like what to do, or maybe you're scared, because I know this has happened to me, that means that you're gonna have to come to terms with some hard stuff and maybe even make make big, big changes. And how do you do that? When you're at low capacity, when you've got too much on your plate, like when you're constantly disrupting, and you're like, Damn, I've got like, zero resources left. But here's the thing, knowledge is power, right? Knowledge is great. But what good is it if you don't have any guidance in putting the information to practice to embodying the practices or navigating the challenges that come up? Because that's where it's at right there, right? Because challenges are going to come up they're going to, and so my friend, the simplest answer I have for you is to just get started with the capacity that you've got, the time that you have, no matter how limited. Wherever you can be like a curious three year old, that asks why for everything, begin to watch yourself as you move through the day. Take your imagining imaginary mind, magnifying glass, Sorry, can't talk. Take your imaginary mind. Take your imaginary magnifying glass to everything and consider it. If this thought if this word if this desire, or this action is rooted in possessiveness, and grasping in attachment, all in fear of scarcity or not enoughness if it's something that is yours, or not, begin assessing your unhealthy attachments, negative thinking, as well as your belief patterns, your fears and desires to see like, have you outgrown something? Are you holding something because of history? Maybe it wasn't yours to begin with? And I'll be honest, you probably will not have to look too far. The work sounds hard, but it's actually not. It's not in the recognizing it's in what the hell do we do about it now? Usually the shit that's always coming up, that's always presenting itself as an issue that you're always having to navigate. That's typically the shit that doesn't fit.
Now, I have to tell you something I hear current clients, and also new clients say to me often this stuff, I know I should be doing this, or I shouldn't be doing that, or I should be doing more of this and less than less of that. And my response to them always is why. As in like, why should you be doing this? Or shouldn't be doing that? Or why should you be doing more of this? Unless of that? Why? Who says you the adult who raised you, teachers, religious guys, your partner's siblings, friends, society who said it? Because if it's not you, then the should is not for you. These attachments and ideas we have are present in everything present. So get curious about your shoulds and the things you say and you feel that you have to do notice when you ignore or bypass or gaslight yourself, then pause. Here's the practice pause. Recognize it. Pause, even if you recognize that it happened. minutes, hours, days, months, years ago. It's okay. It's never too late. Pause. Get curious. Why is it happening? What's going on? What does it attach to and then see if you can choose a more supportive step forward. Even if what you did was way in the past, you could still choose a better way forward. Now. This is the foundation of my work with clients as we establish their personalized self care plan of practices that were curated specifically for them based on their energy, their experiences, their desires, all with zero shoulds attachments or guilt. And I continue supporting them in integrating these practices, as well as in their inquiry of attachments grasping and possessiveness that showing up in their self care, but kind of sabotaging it to and the way they move forward or move through the world through my mentorship program, the holistic self care collective. And the biggest thing that we navigate is support for when things get hard when old habit seems so much more comfortable and doable than the new practice that will actually be so much more supportive in the end. So my friend a spot is available for you to create your personalized self care plan and support as you integrate these practices in your life. It's all available to you. You can enroll in Steff gallante.com/holistic-self-care-collective And I've included the link in my show notes so that you can go ahead and take advantage of that opportunity to get right with yourself. And I'll be honest, a big part of the heart of this process is in your mental game. If you find that your thoughts are constantly negative or critical or worried or doubtful. I love the meditation called noticer Thoughts meditation where you can quietly begin to tune into your thoughts and envision them as if, you know, you can see them words or pictures that they that represent them. If visualizing is your thing. You can imagine a nature scene, maybe a beautiful sky with fluffy clouds, where you place the thoughts you want to think that are coming in, and you want to be thinking them in the puffy clouds that stay in the sky. And then the thoughts that come in that you don't want to be thinking you place them in clouds that just float away. And the same thing goes for like a fall seen with leaves blowing in the wind, or boats in the harbor staying anchored or slowly sailing away. I love that meditation so much. Because for me, it's like, okay, I can put what I want somewhere that's gonna stay and I can allow something I don't want to leave. And if you're wondering like, why would I need something like this? Like, why do my thoughts naturally go to the negative? Well, that's what the scarcity mindset breeds, right scarcity, mindset breeds, negative thoughts and worries and doubts. And the skills that we've developed as a result of that, in possessing, and grasping and attaching all of the tendencies run deep, the neural pathways we've created are deep grooves in our brain. And these habits and tendencies we've created are then prevalent, right? Because that's what happens with these pathways in these grooves, they, we just get habitual in their thought, and it's just easier to think them. But the good thing is we can interrupt these patterns and create new pathways within our brain with supportive and aligned thoughts, words and actions. So I'll be exploring this. Notice your thoughts meditation, as well as other practices of a prior Graha in terms of non possessiveness, non grasping and letting go of attachment, especially in the effort to assess and be with any unhealthy attachments, any negative thinking, or old belief patterns, fears and desires to strengthen your non judgement of those things, as well as your movement towards a belief in abundance. And we'll be doing this in marches community circle, which is coming up next weekend, next Saturday, March 11, at 12:30pm. Eastern Time, on Zoom, my friend in case you're new to this, the community circle I offer monthly is a space for you to put things down without explanation. And it's a place for you to lighten your load without having to ask for space, like you said, typically would those who are closest to you ask you if they have capacity for what you need to put down. In this space, we pause we get quiet, we turn inward with curiosity, create mind space, connect to our collective breath, meditate and amplify our self care. And the question Is there anything you'd like to put down and leave here before you head back out into the world is an actual invitation I offer at the end of each session, and the space is there to hold it for you whatever it is that you want to leave. So I hope that you'll join me next Saturday sliding scale is pricing is offered beginning at $5. And there's also a free option so no one is turned away for lack of funds. So you can head to Steff gallante.com/community-circle to learn more and to register and I've included the link to this in the show notes as well. So I'd love it if you'd come tell your friends bring them along. It definitely is such a wonderful community connection time and until the next time we meet here in the podcast world please be kind of gentle yourself to yourself just as you would those who are most precious to you whether that's a human and animal baby or a plant. I would really love to hear your thoughts about the support I've provided the guidance I've provided the questions I've asked in this episode. So please please please feel free to reach out and share thank you to those of you who do reach out every so often. It lights me up it validates me it makes me feel a little weird, too because it just validates my work and you know I'm still getting used to you know doing this thing in this way and so it's a little uncomfortable to receive the the good thoughts but that's all for good. It's something I'm getting used to so please when I say reach out and share please do I really do mean it. If you've been loving the show, please provide you know a rating or a review on whatever platform you listen please share these episodes with your nearest and dearest. Above all else, my friend I'm so grateful for you take good care of yourself and stay connected. Remember you are a badass and you are enough. Be well
