We believe in functional mental wellness, a holistic approach to mental health. We know that there's hope for those of us who have experienced trauma, even profound trauma and that's why we created the universe is your therapist podcast we believe whether you call it God, the universe, source, unity or love that there is something much greater than us that conspires for our good, we envision a world of healing and connection and we teach you simple but powerful practices that integrate your mind, body and spirit so that you can come home to your highest self and your truest identity. You are not broken, you are loved and you can heal. My name is Amy Hoyt, and together with my sister Lena, we will take you on a journey of healing and self discovery.
Financial trauma is very similar to just you know, general trauma but when we take it and focus it on our financial mindset, the way that we respond to money, our relationship with money,
welcome back to another episode. We're really excited. Today we have a special guest, it's Dr. Monique a Chiara. olu Bala young. And she is a doctor of behavioral health, as well as a healer, and someone who focuses on financial trauma. We are so thrilled to have you here Dr. Femi gay, welcome.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for having me, I'm so glad to be here.
Absolutely, I know that you are a licensed trauma therapist, and tell us about how you went from the academic, you know, behavioral health route to trauma therapy, to then going into more of the holistic healing mechanisms that I know that you advocate for.
So I would actually say that that started in childhood, it, it's amazing how you know, the things in your life, you know, we look back, everything kind of contributes to getting you to that, that point, or to this point. And I really don't even feel like I'm done with, you know, adding things and learning things and expanding even more, but it definitely started in childhood, my mom was very big on, you know, taking holistic, natural approaches, whenever we were, you know, sick, we, you know, she gave us cod liver oil and an orange produce almost every morning and we weren't very, you know, sickly children, I remember my grandmother telling us to eat onions, you know, if we were feeling you know, a little ill, and then by the next day, we will be fine. So, I've never really been introduced to, you know, take a lot of medicine, you know, go to the store, buy medicine, or go to the doctor, take this prescription, my mom was very, you know, she didn't even drink alcohol, when we were growing up, she was very, you know, let's just eat properly if you eat a certain way, because, honestly, this is just how I was raised your medicine is your food, you know, the things that you put into your body every day, those are really the things that are supposed to keep your immune system up, and to help you keep up, you know, just a healthy balance. And so, you know, as you know, everything that we eat, it impacts us in some way. And everything that you eat has, if especially if it's from the earth, and its natural form, it has healing properties that come with it. So yeah, I, you know, started out that way, and then just going into, you know, academics, and just really trying to figure out what aligned with me, and what made me feel good. And I remember while I was getting my doctorate, and um, we had the intern during my program, I decided that I wanted to look at integrative care in an allopathic and a naturopathic clinic and to see of the two settings which did I prefer, which did I think, you know, more so lean toward that integrated approach? And what I found was that in the allopathic setting, which was, you know, which was great to work in great experience, worked with wonderful doctors. It just was, it was different. I felt very restricted. I wasn't able to, you know, do a lot of, you know, I think you should meditate, you know, I think that you should, you know, look at you know, let's talk about what you're eating, because they're the approach was, you know, oh, well, you have an ailment, okay, I'm gonna write your prescription. Oh, okay, this came up, okay, I'm gonna write you a prescription. And I've just never felt like that aligned with me, but when I worked in the naturopathic clinic, which I want them interning in, and then also staying on as a behavioral health consultant for about two years with them. She that that specific doctor she bought in a chiropractor, she had nutritionists come in, she had a sauna in her office. You know, it was just a different approach. And it that that felt more like home to me. So I would say that I've just always been in that space where, you know, really teaching people that, hey, everything that you need is around you. I do believe that, you know, God has given us everything on Earth that we need for us to heal ourselves.
That's wonderful. I love that. And I think what's interesting is, you're really you were ahead of your time in, you know, choosing this path, because it's becoming more and more popular. And I see people aligning more with an integrative approach. But, you know, there were a lot of years where it wasn't, it wasn't very accessible, or even really well known. I think. So I commend you for that. That is That is awesome. How did you get into trauma, specifically?
So the thing is that psychology itself was it became really intriguing to me when I got to college. And the reason why is because you know, you have to take like that, like one on one course, which is like a part of the core classes when you're getting a bachelor's degree, in some taking Psych 101. And the teacher started talking about trauma, and you know, what trauma is and how it impacts our lives, and you know, how upsetting it can be and the damage to our bodies, and how it impacts the amygdala and, you know, our nervous system, and so that the teacher is, you know, discussing all those things. And I started to realize that, wow, maybe that's why I act, the way I act, maybe that's why I respond the way that I respond. Maybe that's why I have trouble in my relationships. And that's why I have so much anger. That's why, you know, I had resentment and just difficulty communicating to others and telling them how I felt and, you know, maybe that's why I was overcompensating and you know, caring for my family. And you know, why I always felt like, Hey, I didn't necessarily have a voice to share what share my true opinions, I was felt like I had to, you know, really cater it to make it sound good for others make it more digestible for other people. And, you know, just started to look back at, you know, the domestic violence in the household in which I grew up, and, you know, losing my father at six, and, you know, witnessing someone get murdered, I grew up in Brooklyn, New York, in the 80s, you know, when the crack epidemic when things were really, really bad, you know, there was a methadone clinic, caddy corner to our house, the hospital I was born in, they actually, you know, they put a methadone clinic in the hospital. And so I literally could look out the window, and, you know, every morning, see, you know, people lined up down the street, so that they could, you know, get that methadone, but I, you know, thought back on that, like, you know, maybe I'm here, I made it out, you know, I'm in college, but maybe there's something that, you know, I haven't necessarily dealt with. And so that class, I would say, really, like set me on a course, to understand myself, but also my parents. And when I started to do that, I also start to look at the world differently, and people differently, and I started to realize that, Oh, wow. Like other people have things that they've gone through, maybe that's why they act the way that they act, you know, and so, maybe that's why, you know, that person is always yelling and screaming, and, you know, lashing out at people, you know, it's the same thing. And so it started to kind of shift my perspective and my reactions towards others. And I just found that fascinating. On You know, the brain and, and all those things in so yeah, I would say that, that kind of kicked it off for me.
Absolutely, I find I find all of it equally fascinating, and that the bridge between the body and the mind, and just so you know, we've we're so siloed in Western culture, and what you're speaking to is, is just a total integration, because there there is no separation. It's a it's a pretend separation between the mind and the body. So I think what you're speaking to it's music to my ears, of course. How did you get into financial trauma? I think that is such an interesting area. And I think for my listeners, that's going to be it's a newer subject that that we haven't covered and I think that's really intriguing. I would love to know what is financial trauma and how do you know if you have financial trauma,
financial trauma is very similar to just you know, general trauma but when we take it and focus it on our financial mindset, the way that we respond to money, our relationship with money, and so the way that I guess I would define financial trauma is you You know, any lesson, anything that you've seen anything that you've been told, anything that you've been shown or experience, that then shifts your perspective about your relationship with money, and the energy of money, in a negative way, is considered, you know, financial trauma. And so I'll give you an example. You know, we have some people I'm in the I'm around, you know, I'm in the, I'm in the coaching arena, around coaches, around therapists. And so oftentimes, what I find is that, you know, people say, oh, I need help, or, Hey, I'm trying to grow this business, and I'm having difficulty. And so it's like, hey, well, maybe you should hire you know, this person, or hire someone to help you, you know, to fix or, or whatever to attend to, you know, whatever the issue is, and the person, you know, will kind of clam up and get really fearful. And, you know, when it's like when I, when I'm able to break it down with them to say, Well, what's going on? Or, you know, and they'll say, to me, Well, I just don't know, like, if I spend this money, I don't know, you know, if more money will, will come I'm I have this fear of, you know, investing in myself pretty much, or investing in my business. So, you know, it can look like that under spending, which, you know, which is that it can also look like overspending. So you have some people who, you know, let's say they make, you know, 50,000 miles a year. But, you know, if you look at their spending habits, they're spending, you know, 75 80,000 miles a year, you know, they typically they don't have a budget, you know, they don't subscribe to a budget. And they, you know, they detest the word budget, you know, as viewed budget is looked like, you know, oh, it's limitations on what it is that they can do. But oftentimes, you know, that, as well is, you know, a part of that financial trauma, you know, why don't you want to look at the money that you really make, I actually had a client, who she had a stack of, you know, just bills in her office, and she refused to look at them. And I was like, well, we're gonna work on that. And so she had to go through them, and she had to add them up. And then we did a budget to see, you know, hey, this is going to be the payment plan for you to get everything paid off. This is what you need to do, this is what needs to happen. But before I came along, you know, and I said, Listen, it's okay, you know, you don't have to avoid it. So that's one thing is, that's another thing is that you'll see people avoiding, you'll see people saying, well, I don't want to talk about money, I don't want to have money conversations, I hear a lot of women, you know, who don't know what's going on in their households, and their husbands are managing the finances. And, you know, there's that avoidance, you know, and I think women have a special kind of financial trauma. Because the reality of the situation is that we weren't even able to own bank accounts, to like, think what the 60s and you know, so if we, if we think about that, we are very much behind when it comes to like financial literacy, and just being aware of you know, how to invest. And so women have a huge, you know, catch up that we need to, you know, get caught up on, you know, for us to get to get in place, and then I will say minorities are the same. And so, you know, it's, we have to be, you know, just very clear about that and acknowledge it and don't just act like oh, no, I got it all together. So I'm all for, you know, hiring people and putting people in place. And then the next sign that I would say, that you can also look out for is that lack of boundaries. And so that's something I struggled with for years. I, you know, I quit my job. I became an entrepreneur around 2009. And I quit my job after I wrote this proposal, the proposal got funded the manager and my job promised to put me in place to run the program, it got funded, and then she, you know, she didn't do what she said she was gonna do. I gave my three days notice. This was 2008. And the recession was in place. I called my mom, I said, I just gave my notice. And she was like, freaking out. And I'm gonna bring my mom back into this in a minute, but she's freaking out and she's like, You need a job. It's a recession. And I was like, yeah, no, I'll be okay.
And so I quit. And, you know, I started my business and I started contracting, you know, and the rest is history. But, you know, it's, I found myself even though I was making pretty good money. I was helping to take care of my family again, like I wasn't budgeting. I had difficulty saying no, you know, when they did ask for something, because like Carry this guilt of, oh, well, I'm the person that, you know, went to school and, uh, you know, I have my degrees. And at the time I had my bachelor's and my master's and I felt like, Yeah, I'm the person that's supposed to make sure that everyone else is okay. And, you know, the reality of the situation is that I couldn't really afford to take care of them take care of me, and then also save and invest the way that I, you know, should have. And so even though I got it early start, you know, with making good money, I started late, you know, when it came to investing, and, you know, saving and doing the things that I needed to do to make sure I was taken care of. So I will say, those are like, four, just quick signs to say, you know, what, I may have some financial trauma. For me, my mom, her message was, you know, work hard. She got up at 5am. And sometimes we didn't see her till 7pm 8pm At night, and she was working, you know, 12 to 14 hour days. And her message was, you know, get a job, if you get a job there security and a job and you get a job, and then you stay in that job, and you retire from the job, and you'll get a pension, and you'll live well, you know, and that's just not real. It's just not real, you know, I think back then it was, but this is the thing. I remember being 14 years old. And I was out with her. And I'm like, Hey, I wanted to get these sneakers. And I was like, Yeah, I want these sneakers. And she said to me, you know, hey, I need to tell you something. I'm like, okay, and she's like, my job is moving to Mexico. And so she had her pink slip. And she showed me the pink slip. And she said, You have to get a job. And she said, if you want to, you know, get school clothes for next school year, you have to get a job. And I was like, okay, like, all right, you know? Okay, all right. So I have to get a job. Because in my head, I was like, Well, if I want to get a job, I can get a job. It's an option. But now it was no, you have to get a job. So if you want these things, you know, and at that age, I'm like, Yeah, I want these clothes. And I want these shoes, and I want these, you know, these, whatever, I want to go out with my friends. And I want to, you know, do all those things that teenagers do. But she's like, Yeah, that's great. And I want you to do that stuff. But you're gonna have to fund it yourself. And so for me, it was a wake up almost, and it kind of set me into this mode of, I went to school, and I graduated early. So I was ahead in my, in high school. And so by the time I was 16, I had like, three classes live. And so I was getting out of school around, I think, like 12. It was like 12pm, I think, and then I would go to work from there. And I would work from like, one to like, 8pm or something like that, and then go home. But, you know, I remember when I would get paid, and I would go cash my checks. And I would, you know, tell my mom, like, Hey, I made this amount. And she say, Okay, put this amount away, and you spend this amount. And I would say okay,
but in my head, I was like, I need to make more money, if I want to be able to live, you know, a certain way. And so even when I got older, and I'm in school, and I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do, I was in school, and I was working full time. And, you know, I was, you know, then I had the business and I was working the business and um, you know, it just never felt like it was enough. And I was like, Well, I have to be able to work hard, because has to be able to provide and, you know, build this lifestyle. And it wasn't, you know, anything extravagant. But still, you know, it was like, oh, for me to take care of myself with me live well, I have to work hard. And so you know, now we see that that has become a part of the culture as well. You know, for in our music, you know, you have to hustle hard and get out there and hustle girl and get out there and grind and you know, never sleep, you know, millionaires wake up at 5am. And, you know, and I'm like, first of all, when I become a millionaire, I'm not waking up at 5am I'm sleeping in until my body says Wake up because someone else is gonna be in place to make the money for me, and I won't have to worry about making the money because I have hired a whole team to make more money for me. You know, and I could just stop in on the operations when I you know, every day if I want to. But if I still have to get up at 5am Even when I'm a millionaire, we have a problem. You know, so there's this whole culture around, you know, working hard and, you know, like, like killing ourselves for it to make to make this money. And I just don't agree with that. You know, I think that that's a part of financial trauma as well.
It's interesting that you say that because the hustle culture, I'm also aware that it comes out of trauma. So for a lot of high achieving women, especially, it's a trauma response, it's a way of dissociating. It's a way of, you know, remaining in control. Not really, but I mean, you know, we tell ourselves that my drug of choice, too, is work, you know. And so that's something I've been working on my whole life, since I've been aware that it's a trauma response of how to listen to the body instead of the hustle culture, and how to question some of those social messages that we get, that are really seen as part of personal development. And so it's counterintuitive because you're reading these personal development books. And it's promoting hustle culture, which is actually a trauma response. And I think you have to be really discerning. And it's another reason I think your work is so important, because when we are in tune with the body, our own body will tell us what's right for us. And there are people who it's right for them to get up early. That's their body clock, and there are people who, like me, it sounds like you 5am Is not my body clock. And that's okay, too, right? It doesn't mean we're not going to reach our goals, it doesn't mean we're not hard workers, it means we're listening to our body and allowing an integrative approach to our life, essentially. So I love that,
definitely, I think that, you know, like, you hit it right on the nail, hit the hit the nail right on the head. I, you know, one of my favorite examples to use is Steve Harvey. And, you know, Steve Harvey is, you know, I think he's hilarious. I, you know, I've watched several of his shows, or his movies, but there are so many parts to, I think the message that he sends that I'm not in agreement with, and, you know, part of it is he has, you know, openly shared that he didn't come from a necessarily, you know, rich background, he's been homeless before, you know, he grew up in, you know, impoverished conditions. And but now, you know, he still works like, you know, 10 shows that, you know, so he has his radio show, and he has, you know, the, the Harvey Show, and he has the game shows, and he has, you know, this and that, and this, and it's exhausting, you know, and the other piece is, you know, how old are you? You know, so at what point do you get to just cut it off, and say, you know, what, enough is enough. And I've put enough things in place, you know, because I think he has books as well, I've put enough things in place to get, you know, that residual income, I've put enough things in place, you know, like a my talk show, to where I only have to come into the studio maybe three times a week, you know, I have a crew, the crew can manage the show, you know, at what point do you say, let me just, you know, sit back. I'm not I'm so not in agreement with, you know, the way that especially in the United States, you know, you work for What's the age of retirement, now, it's like 6768, or something getting later and later. And, you know, I look at my mom, my mom is 75 years old, and you know, at 75, you know, things are hurting, and she can't move the way that she used to, you know, she still gets out there and cuts her own grass, and, you know, does her thing, but, you know, I'm like, if I wait until I'm 68, or 69, or whatever the age of retirement is to begin enjoying the fruits of my labor, right? That's a problem for me, you know, and so I was very clear, when I met my husband, like, I want to retire by the time I'm 50. Like that is and that's pushing it, that is like, the end, like 50 years. 50 is like the end, and I'm, I'm turning 40 this year. And so I'm like, you know, I have about 10 years left in me because, you know, and it's not even necessarily say that I'll necessarily stop working. You know, I may have like clients that I see every now and then virtually. And so I'll be anywhere I want to in the world and working with them. But it's more so you know, mentally it's like, I have about 10 years left of this whole, you know, working multiple things, doing all you know, doing all the things and because I found myself back in January, just feeling like I needed a break. Like I felt burned out. I felt like I was not in a space of alignment. I felt like, you know, I had a practice. I was doing therapy. It no longer worked for me that much. Oh, and I was like, I really, really want to do more of like a coaching approach when I'm working with my clients. And so I was like, I'm gonna close my practice, I'm gonna shift out of that space, and kind of shift the energy, I wrote a book, the book came out in December, I was like, I want to focus some time on, you know, selling my book, Getting my book out there, I started doing a lot of podcasts interviews, I was, you know, in all the things, I had some coaches, I had, like four coaches at a time that I was working with. And then my January, I was like, Okay, I'm tired. And, and I didn't, you know, I don't work for myself, to be tired. It's just not, it's just not something I want to do. And so, you know, I had to make some decisions. And I was, like, you know, what, I'm gonna pull back a little bit, and really figure out what do I want this to look like. And, you know, that is what led me too, you know, trainings and workshops, and trying to reach the masses, because that's one of my goals is, you know, to leave a legacy in which I helped to heal, you know, 1000s, and hundreds 1000s of, you know, people, and I can't do that, you know, working one on one. And so I had to kind of move, you know, back a little bit, and really stop listening to everyone else and start to drown out, you know, like, some of that noise, because that's what it is, you know, it's, you know, whenever you're listening to someone else, which we're not doing is listening to yourself. And so, you know, we have to like position ourselves to really listen to ourselves, my family and I, we went to Alaska for spring break. And we were in Fairbanks. And Fairbanks is kind of rural. And so like, we're up in the mountains, it was like houses, but they weren't, you know, super close to kids were able to go out and play in the snow and build snowmen and take sleds and sled that slide down the mountain and, you know, do all that we went dog sledding, and it was great. But the greatest part of it was the quiet. And I was able to really like reset, it felt like, Okay, I'm clear, I know what it is that I want to do. And I know how I want it to look, and working hard to do it is really not a part of the program. So you know, we just we need that space, you know, we need that space to heal ourselves and tap into our higher selves.
Absolutely. I am such an advocate for choosing at least one day a week, where you have nothing. And I think, you know, if you're a religious person, you might call it the Sabbath. If you're spiritual, you're calling it you know, getting quiet, and going into your meditative practice, perhaps. But my children, you know, they I get a lot of pushback on this from some of my children. Because I'm very, very strict about making that day. It is family. And it is resting, and it is playing together as a family. And I find it so restorative. And that's just one day. And so when we can carve out, and when we choose to carve out more time, I think that is when we can tap into our intuitive knowing, as you say, so I'm really that's such a blessing that you're able to have that time to refocus. And create space so that you could work with intention. How, as you know, I always think about when I'm having these conversations, there's always a part of me that's thinking about, of course, my own self, and how, you know, how do I know if I have financial trauma that always goes through my head? And then the next thought is, how do I make sure my kids aren't financially traumatized? And because so much of trauma gets passed down, we know from seven to eight generations down. And that's, you know, peer reviewed literature over and over that's been shown that it actually changes our genetic expression. So if we're, if we're not only trying to heal ourselves, but also stop those cycles and help our children what sort of thing as a parent do you have in place or do you suggest that we can do to help our children have more financial literacy and and less financial trauma?
So we have three kids. My husband had two children's have two bonus children. They are 13 and 14, the 14 year old lives with us. And then the 13 year old she comes over every other weekend and during breaks. And then we also have a three year old and the fort that 13 and 14 year old although they are not my you know they're my biological Children, one of the things that, you know, I'm very I'm a therapist. So certain things are not taboo to me that probably would be, you know, to other people. And then I'm also, you know, people call it a stepmom, you know, I'm also a stepmom, so I don't have that tie to them, like their mothers. And so I have conversations with them that, you know, even my husband, he's like, Oh,
no, we have to talk about this, like, this is important. It doesn't, you know, it doesn't impact me the way that it impacts I guess, a parent. But, and I think that's just a part of my personality as well. But, you know, one of the things that that I'm constantly doing with them is, you know, we're discussing, so we're having just open conversations. And one of the things one of my biggest lessons with them is I don't care how much money you have, you know, if my son he gets 10 hours a weekend allowance. And you know, which to me, I think there's a lot because I, my mother was not giving me to nozzle at 14, right. But he he earns $14 a week in allowance. Now I do allowance a little differently. I do allowance where he starts with $14. I mean, he starts with $10. And if you know he gets in trouble in schools, school issues, they're $1 deduction issues at home or like 50 cents, and him being you know, disrespectful, especially now with the teenage attitudes and all that, you know, being disrespectful as $1. So he starts with $10. And he can lose money, rather than starting from zero and having to earn the money. And what that does is I think, for him, it's like, he's also been diagnosed with ADHD. And so what it does for him is it he sees the $10 like, he's like, okay, that 10 is there, it's harder for him to conceptualize, okay, I have nothing. And I have to then earn, you know, the $10. The reality of the situation is, if you work at a job, right, and they say that, hey, I'm going to pay you such and such an hour, you're actually starting with, you know, whatever it is the hourly rate of stuff, you make 10 hours out, you actually start with that $10 an hour. Now, where things go, you know, where you get deductions can be, you know, if you break something at work, or you know, something happens, and you have to, you know, get sent home, or whatever the case might be, but you start with your right, you know, if you're a salaried, you start with your salary, right, they pay you, right? So for him, you know, in my head, I said, Well, I'm going to treat you that way. Because when you get out into the world, and you start working, that's really how it is, your job is to maintain the standard. So the standard has been set, you then have to maintain the standard. So we have that conversation. But as I mentioned, he's also he's my bonus son. So at his mother's house, things are a little different, the ideals are different, the values are different. We don't believe in spending a lot of money on sneakers, and clothes and shoes. That's not how I was raised. Now, what my mother did spend money on for us Are you both experiences, you know, and so for them, I'm the same way. So we travel as a family, we, you know, we do things, that's the stuff that we spend money on we, you know, flights, it's we're a family of five, so for us to fly can get a little expensive, right. And so, you know, every time we go on a trip, you know, it's easy, you know, even if it's a trip in the United States, easy, you know, 5000 Miles easy. And, you know, that is, you know, it's okay, we're gonna go on a trip, you guys want to do this great, we have to start budgeting and saving the money to do that. So we have a travel account, my husband and I, that we put money into. And then we have accounts for them that are all of the three kids. Each month, there's a certain amount of money that goes into their accounts. And they are very aware of, hey, you have accounts where we're saving money. This is how much money and they always ask, well, how much money is in my account now? And so we'll tell them, right? But you cannot spend it on foolishness, right? That money has to go towards some type of investment. And so even with like I said, my older kids last year, we said, hey, we will take $500 and invest it into a business concept that you want to, you know, develop and all I need is a you know, very many business plan. I gave them the parts to the mini business plan, and I never received it back. Never received it back. And so we want them not investing in them starting a business. And when I asked them well, why didn't you you know, why didn't you submit it? You know, it was like, Oh, well, I it was just a lot of work and I you know didn't want to Okay, that's fine. What I find is that what I what I find with them is that they see that I'm self employed, my husband is also self employed. And so my son, he sees the, you know, staying up late at sometimes at night, you know, sometimes I'm up till two in the morning, working on something. And that's how my mind works. So if I'm focused on something I don't want to stop. It's like, No, I just like, keep going, because it's fun, especially if I'm in like a state of flow. So I'm like, no, let me just keep going. And so he sees that part. He also sees that, hey, some moms are great, some moms are not. He now he sells like rice krispie treats at school. And one day he made $30 selling rice krispie treats. The next day, he made $2. And he came home. And he's like, I only made $2 today. And I said, Great. That's why that $30 that you may have say, you don't then go out and spend by an expensive meal, because you made $30. One day, you take that 30 hours, and you budget it out, because you may have some days where you're not going to hit that $30 mark. And so it's having those conversations, it's being an example. It's not you know, I grew up in a household where I still to this day, I can't say how much money my mother made. I have no clue what her salary was, I cannot tell you to say the life of me, I cannot tell you how much bills were I know how much our rent was, because and our only reason I know that is because she when she was about to retire, her landlord sold the building that we were raising. And the new landlord came in and said, Hey, if you want to stay here, your rent will triple. And my sister and I had to say, well, how much is it and if you want to stay, we will do what we need to do to help you stay there. And my mother's response to us was we will not waste money on this, and I will figure something else out. And she did. And she went and stayed with one of her friends until it was time for her to retire. And what I didn't know is that my family we have land in North Carolina. And my mom was working on she tore my grandmother's house down who, of course, you know, my grandmother has passed away, but she tore my grandmother's house down. And she was building a house on my grandmother's land. So when my mother retired Her house was paid for her car was paid for. She really had no you know, serious bills. And even now, you know, it's I've never gotten a call from her to say, hey, I need you to pay something, or I need you to take care of me. She has positioned you know, put yourself in a great position to care for herself. My mom, you know, she purchased life insurance policies, not huge. But all of her children is three of us have life insurance policies. My sister, three, two of her kids, the two oldest ones, they have like life insurance policies, my brother's break his oldest kids, they have life insurance policies. And then I have a life insurance policy. And you know, it's so those were things that she was kind of showing us. It wasn't really a you know, let's talk about money conversation. But it was me looking at her watching her and watching the things that she does. And so I think with our kids is so important, the only thing that I would change about my childhood is I feel like we would have had more conversations. I feel like, you know, that would have been very beneficial to be able to ask her, you know, like, Hey, so what are, you know, the bills, and, you know, what are you know, these things, and I remember when I did get that job, you know, saying hey, can I pay a bill in the House, because at that time by then it was just her and I in the house. And so you know, a lot of like my food, and you know, I was kind of handling that stuff. But I think with our kids, it's you know, again, like I said, it's being open being honest. My son saw I had something up on my board that said, Hey, by the time I'm 40, I want to be a millionaire. And he read it and he came in there. He said, um, you want to be a millionaire by the time you fight? And I was like, Yeah. And he's like, Yeah, but that's soon. I was like, yeah, it is right. And he's like, Well, how do you plan to do it? And I said, Well, I said, this is the thing that you don't understand this, I kind of like broke it down to him. And I said, it takes one thing to work, you may have 50,000 ideas. It really just takes one idea to work for you to reach your goal. You don't always have to, like all 50,000 don't have to work, and that's okay. And I said where people go wrong is you know, they'll set 50,000 goals, but they don't have the fortitude and resilience to stick through it. And so by the time that 25th or that 50th Or even that 100th goal, you know, I mean, yeah, it doesn't work or that that 100 idea doesn't work, they'll give up and I said that is difference between people who accomplish their goals and those that do not. People that know that, hey, you have to keep going and that this thing is not easy. And my husband, I, we always joke and I say this entrepreneurship life is not for punks, like you cannot be a punk
on this entrepreneurship journey, right? You cannot, because because you're gonna have some days, that's gonna like, kick your behind, you know, like, and then you're gonna have some days are gonna be like, freaking great, right? It's gonna be wonderful. But then you're gonna have some days, it's gonna really, really test and be like, Oh, I just want to throw the whole business in the trash. And you know, but the goal is to keep going. And regardless of those days, I wouldn't trade it. So we have, you know, again, we have those discussions, they see the work, they see the things that we do, I have a trade show coming up in like, two weeks, and I'm speaking, and I had to order a backdrop and I had to order these things. And, you know, we bring this stuff in house, and we're building it, and we're putting it together. And he's like, Oh, what's that? You know, and I'm like, Oh, it's my backdrop, because I'm speaking and I'm gonna sell my books. And I'm like, and he's like, wow, that's cool. And I'm like, Yeah, you know, like, you get to create, you know, what this looks like, for you. You know, you're not your life is not predestined, you get to say, you know, what, I want to work this amount of time. And, you know, this is what I want my life to look like, you know, and I want my three year old to know that, you know, nothing's outside of his reach. And so anything that he wants to do, he can and so I'm working now to make sure that when he gets there, he has enough, you know, money saved enough assets to where he can really focus on what it is that he loves, as opposed to focusing on doing the things that he feels like he has to do. And instead, you know, he can focus on what he loves, because I feel like everyone should at least experience that at least once in their lives.
Yeah, I absolutely agree. And I love that those messages you're giving to your children. I'm taking mental notes. One of the things I learned recently is my language matters when I talk about money. So you know, I have a kid who has anxiety. And I was saying, Oh, we don't have the money for that this month. And I could see his anxiety spike. And I thought, how can I rephrase that? Because in his mind, that means we're destitute. And in my mind, it was I haven't budgeted for that. So so I had to really think about it is just this week, I've been thinking about how can I phrase things so that it's more accurate, and it doesn't get his nervous system? You know, going,
say exactly what you just said, which is I haven't budgeted for that. So that lets him know that, oh, there is a budget. And you know, when it's like, oh, well, what is a budget? Yeah, regardless of how much money I make, there is a budget for how much we actually spend of what it is that we make. And so it has to go into this money that we've set aside to spend, because we don't spend it all. So have like, I would, I would say that and that's exactly what I tell my kids like, Nope, that's not in the budget right now.
I love that. Thank you. Because, you know, I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, as right as usual with children, how can we help them flourish without causing any damage? So I appreciate that. Tell me what what I love to give our listeners one tip, a takeaway that they can use at home and I know you're an advocate for self healing, what is a tip that you would give our listeners for working on their financial trauma, essentially, or healing some of that so that they can really optimize their own experiences in life?
What I would say is, when it comes to any type of trauma, be honest with yourself, be honest with yourself, don't you know, look at your money, you know, realize, you know, this is how much I make, realize that you have options and you can always make more money, you know, there are there's so much money out there. You can always make more money, but it has to start with being honest with yourself and taking a real look at what it is that you bring in versus what it is that you're you know, shelling out being real honest with, you know, what are some of your limitations when it comes to your financial literacy? So, you know, what is it that you know, versus what is it that you don't know, YouTube is like, free and there's so many you know, videos and, you know, tutorials and things and, you know, listen to it when you're in the car driving, you know, turn off the radio, turn off the music, you know, play your YouTube through your car and listen and learn some things. It's there are so many resources that you don't have to be Stuck. But it starts with being honest with yourself about where you are, and being honest with yourself about where it is that you want to be, and really assessing, are you on the path to reaching? You know, that goal of where it is that you want to be?
Thank you. That's really helpful. Where can our listeners find you? Where are you at? And please tell us where we can purchase your book and tell us a little bit about your book.
I'm everywhere. So I am I'm on Instagram, at Dr. For knee que de RFANIKE. I'm on LinkedIn, same handle, I'm on Facebook, same handle, clubhouse, same handle. So everything across the board is you know, is the same at Dr. Fennekin. And my book, what the f is your problem becoming an active worker and healing your trauma is available on my website, which is Dr. Finney k.com. And the book is about really empowering others and letting them know that one, they're not alone in the traumas that they haven't door. But then also, once you realize that, hey, I have endorsed some trauma, what do I do next. And so the book highlights, you know, some things that you can kind of do yourself, how you can take your healing into your own hands. And also being clear that, you know, the only way to really begin the healing process for trauma is to become an active worker. And that means that, you know, unfortunately, it's not as easy as saying, Well, I went to a therapist, and I fixed it, you know, no, doesn't work like that. And I think people have a false concept of the healing process. But it's something that you have to work on every day, you know, and even as a therapist, I work on my trauma every day, I have to tell myself, you know, all of the affirmations, and I have destroyed those limiting beliefs. And they may not be as strong as they were, you know, back in the day now, but they still pop up every now and then. And try to tell me I can't do something or, you know, hey, this isn't going to work or, you know, the relationship isn't gonna work. And you know, it all that stuff still pops up every now and then. But you know, now I know. And I'm armed with the tools to know what to do when it does pop up. So definitely check that out. It's what the f is your problem becoming an active worker and healing your trauma, you can purchase it at Dr. Funny guy.com. And definitely feel free to reach out and follow me on IG and Yeah, send me a DM. Let's talk.
Wonderful. Thank you again for being here. I really appreciate your generosity, and it was really lovely to hear your wisdom.
Thank you, Amy. Thank you again for having me. Absolutely.
I loved talking to Dr. Funny gay today. And the takeaway that really stuck with me is the encouragement she gives us to be transparent about our finances with those that we live with, in the sense that whether it's our partner or our children, that we're having those conversations early and often and we're using terms like budget as opposed to terms that are more scarcity oriented, like we don't have the money for something. I absolutely loved our conversation and I would love to know what you thought of our conversation and you can email us at Hello at mending trauma.com Or go to our Facebook page at mending trauma on Facebook or Instagram and just comment if you have questions about the episode or even what you would love to hear about next. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you want to go deeper on this subject or any other subjects we've covered in the podcast. We are so excited to be launching our signature membership program at mending trauma.com This is a trauma informed mental health membership where we combine clinically effective practices courses and mentoring while putting you in the driver's seat. We teach you how to heal your trauma with the latest research combining mind body and spirit we want to walk you through a healing journey while also empowering you if you have felt this episode is helpful. We would absolutely love if you would go to Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to your pods and give us a review. We'd also love it if you would share it with someone you think it might help tag us on social media at mending trauma.com Or at Amy Hoyt PhD, we would love to reshare and also if there's anything we can do to help we would love to hear from you email info at mending trauma.com Give us your suggestions or topics you want to hear about. We would absolutely love to be of more service to you. We're so excited because we have so many good episodes coming up in season two, and we can't wait to go on this journey with you
