More Than You See 3.3 - Mental Health & Relationships: Dealing with Grief

5:12AM Nov 22, 2021

Speakers:

Deborah Smith

Keywords:

holidays

feeling

grief

traditions

mental health

talk

coping mechanisms

lost

episode

life

sharing

encourage

week

give

community

perfectly

podcast

past couple years

grieving

joy

Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of the More Than You See podcast hosted by me, actor, filmmaker, mental health advocate Deborah Lee Smith. Every Monday I come to you to share some resources, have a conversation, and generally just dive into all sorts of topics around mental health. I am not a licensed practitioner or therapist, but just a woman exploring my own mental health journey and sharing it with you. My hope is that this podcast brings you some joy, some understanding, and some tools so that you can build your own mental health toolbox.

Welcome back everyone to season three, episode three of the podcast. So glad that you are here with me today. So this is actually the final episode in the little mini series that we've been doing around mental health and relationships. If you missed it, episode one of season three was about my divorce and some of the things that I learned from my divorce. Last week was about mental health during the holidays. And this week, I really want to talk about grief and relationships. And especially as we go into the holidays, because that is certainly heightened by the holidays, our grief is heightened as all of our emotions are.

Last week I talked about how, according to a study from the National Institute of Mental Illness, 62% of people say that their mental health gets worse during the holidays. And of course, as we discussed last week, there's a lot of different reasons for that: our expectations around the holidays, there's a lot more stress, we are less inclined to set boundaries, we're less inclined to put ourselves first, there's a lot of different reasons why the holidays are so difficult. But I want to specifically focus today on grief.

I've had some wonderful people who are consistent listeners of the podcast talk to me in Instagram messages about how they lost someone this year, and how this is going to be their first holiday without that special someone. We've had one person who lost their wife last year, we've had another who lost both of their parents last year. And you know, whether or not it is a physical loss of someone who's passed away or you're just not able to, you know, you've lost a friendship, you've lost a relationship in some capacity, there's still that grief. And I really want to talk about that today. And again, what we can do some coping mechanisms we can have, because grief is kind of like the ocean.

Everyone experiences grief in so many different ways. And grief really comes in waves. And I think that it's really important to remember that however you're feeling coming into the holidays, whether you're apprehensive, whether you're excited, if you're grieving there I'm sure is like some universal sense of feeling around that, but we also all grieve in very different ways and I want to just give voice to that and state that however you are grieving however you are feeling right now is perfectly okay. But if you're feeling overwhelmed and kind of swallowed up by your grief right now, I really want to share some different ways that we can all work through these things together and get through the next couple months in whatever way we possibly can. So please stay tuned for the rest of the episode where we're going to dive into grief during the holidays.

So before I start talking about different coping mechanisms to deal with grief, I want to first of all, number one, thank anyone who has been so open and honest and sharing their story with me, but also to extend my deepest sympathy for anyone who has lost someone in the past couple years and is feeling especially triggered and impacted by the holidays coming up.

Let me just say first and foremost that you're not alone. There are so many people who are feeling similar to you. And I strongly empathize with you, even though I maybe cannot exactly understand or feel what you're feeling. I am walking here right beside you and extending my gratitude to you and just my ongoing love for you and being part of this community.

So let's talk about some coping mechanisms. First and foremost, reach out to someone if you need help. If you are feeling like you're struggling and you're feeling like the grief that you have about whatever you're going through, please make sure that you reach out to someone, talk to family, talk to friends, explain how you're feeling. They may not necessarily understand exactly what you're going through, but they will have some way of connecting with you that hopefully will make you feel better.

I also think that it is so incredibly valuable to assist others during times of grief. Something that I talked about in my first episode of More Than You See is that the reason that I created this platform was because when I was going through my own grief, the thing that helped me more than anything else was trying to assist others, and trying to help other people understand their own emotions, their own feelings, their own mental health journey. And I know that for me, whenever I'm feeling lost or feeling like I'm struggling immensely, if I go back to my core beliefs as far as like helping others and trying to bring change in the world in some positive way, that's always what makes me light up and makes me feel like it's worth living another day, honestly, in some capacity. And so, I would encourage you to think about an organization, think about a community group, think about some way that you can give back to your local community, because I just think that when we give of ourselves to our community, it comes back to us in such an amazing way. And I know that we shouldn't necessarily be doing things for others in order for us to feel good, but it's just such a wonderful, extra residual effect. And I feel like especially during the holidays, if there's some way that you can give back and bring someone else some joy, maybe that will make you feel less alone and bring you some joy as well, which I mean, heck, that is what I am most interested in is making sure that you are getting some happiness and some joy out of these holidays.

I also want to speak specifically about holiday traditions. And this is why I think the holidays can be so difficult, because potentially you will have done something specific with that family member who has passed away or that friend group or even if you're, you know, family gathering looks different than it will have in previous years. I think that the thing that is so difficult sometimes to come to terms with is this idea that traditions have shifted. And I want to encourage you to uphold those traditions, if it still speaks to you, if it still is something that lights you up and brings you joy. But if it's something that does not, it's perfectly okay to build your own traditions.

For example, if you know one of the members of our community whose wife passed away, if there are things that you did with your wife that still bring you happiness, and you think about that tradition and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, then absolutely continue to do that. I strongly encourage us to continue those traditions. But if it's something that's just too painful for you right now, that's also perfectly okay. It can be something that you revisit in the future. And if you're concerned about that tradition getting lost, or you forgetting it in some capacity, number one, I'm sure that you won't, but number two, write it down.

I think it's perfectly okay during this time to reminisce on past experiences, but also fully acknowledge that grief changes things. And there might be a different experience that you have in the future. That is unlike the one that you are having today. Right now the holidays might be so incredibly difficult for you that you can't possibly reimagine or recreate traditions that you will have done in the past. But that might change in the future. And I just strongly encourage you to take these days and take this holiday exactly as it is and not beat yourself up that you can't necessarily live up to the expectations of a past holiday, which is something that we talked about last week, but specifically when it comes to grief and when it comes to losing out on a family member or friend or whatever you've lost and that is causing you this immense amount of grief. I just encourage you to hold space for those traditions if it serves you, but if it doesn't, you can just put it on a shelf and potentially pick it up in the future.

And finally, the last coping mechanism that I can give you this holiday season is to just be kind to yourself. I mean, this is something that I discuss pretty much every week because it is really, really important. But I think that that is especially true right now. In the latest study, one in three Americans know someone who has personally died from COVID. And that isn't even including all of the loss that we've experienced outside of this incredibly impactful disease that has taken so much of our lives in so many different ways over the past couple years. And so I just strongly encourage you to give yourself grace. And again, just like, give yourself some understanding that number one, your holidays are going to be different than they were in the past. Number two, that's perfectly okay. And number three, the fact that your holiday this year does not have to be the same as what it is going to be next year, or in five years or whatever. I think it's just really important to remind ourselves sometimes that life is always ongoing, it's always changing.

Something that I just want to leave everyone with, and it's something that I think about all the time and that is discussed endlessly, as someone who's in the entertainment industry, as an actor and a performer, there is this idea that is talked about often that your life can change in a day, your life can change in an instant. And we always hold on to this idea. Because the entertainment industry can be freaking hard. And you never know who is going to be the person that is going to come into your life, and inspire you, or help you open a door or help you blossom into the person that you're supposed to become or help your career blossom in the way that it's supposed to etc. But I think that that's an idea that really translates to all aspects of life, and, and everyone, no matter what industry that you're in. And I think that it's also really important to remember that as just someone who is potentially struggling with grief and struggling with getting through today to get through the other side of the holidays, you never know who is going to enter your life who is going to impact your life and who is going to change your life forever. And so however you're feeling right now, it doesn't mean that that's how you're going to feel in a year. And I think that's just a really important reminder.

About a week ago, I saw a tweet from someone who is a friend in the mental health community and she shared that a year ago, she was thinking of ending her life around the holidays, and that she is so eternally grateful that she stuck around, and that she's still here today. And I think that it's just such an important reminder that life changes all the time. And we never know who or what is going to impact our lives in such a beautiful way. And so, however you're feeling right now, if you are struggling with grief, if you're struggling with the ending of a relationship, or the beginning of a new one, or losing a family member from COVID, or losing a wife from COVID, or whatever it is. Whatever grief you're experiencing right now, in whatever capacity, I think that it's just so important to remind ourselves that this feeling isn't forever. And you will get through this and myself, and the entire More Than You See community is here for you.

Thank you so much to everyone who was constantly reaching out to me and sharing their own stories and making me feel less alone in my feelings. It truly does make all the difference in the world. So thank you. And please be kind to yourself. Remember that you and everyone around you is more than you see. Thank you so much for listening. I will see you next week.