Well, hello, everyone and welcome to the podcast for this week. This week. I also have a girlfriend of mine. I seem to know a lot of people, but a lot of people and women in particular who were really having a passion and a commitment to helping other women, you know, to succeed in life. And my amazing friend Amber Trueblood is one of those women. How are you darling?
I'm great. I'm so excited to chat with you today.
I'm very excited. We're actually going to be talking about your new book that's coming out called the unflustered mum or the unflustered mom.
No, I like the way you say it.
Which is not necessarily just for mums. But for anyone who is challenged by anxiety or overwhelm, or, you know, finding yourself in a place where you're kind of in the fetal position is rocking back and forth. Like how do I get through life? So Amber has some great advice for you. And I'm sure Amber, the reason that you had this great advice is because this is something that you experienced yourself.
Exactly, exactly. I mean, I have four boys here at home. And you know, they're now like, 10, how old? Are they? 10, 12, 13 and 15 years old. And it was, you know, now I have I have a business, I love to write books, we traveled for quite a bit. But there was a big sense of time when I thought "holy crap, what what have I done to my, what did I get myself into", and I, and people can relate whether it's all of a sudden you find yourself with, you know, one child with, you know, special needs, or you are, you have no children, and you're taking care of your parents, or you just gave birth to a business and you bit off way more than you can chew, or it's a business in an area that wasn't your area of expertise and training. And now you're like, Well, what am I doing over here, I don't know this business, but I'm feeling really called and passionate to do it. So you can apply these principles regardless. So what I was feeling personally was, Wow, I'm not sleeping well, I'm not taking care of myself, well, I'm not showing up in a war in in the world in a way that feels good to me. Like, I feel like I'm just barely treading water, staying above water, and sometimes not like sometimes going down and coming back up. And I thought, you know, I didn't create this life, and choose to have all these children. So that I would feel, you know, flustered and overwhelmed and angry and resentful and sleepy, exhausted all the time and felt like I was just barely managing and reacting to everything. Nothing was purposeful, because I was like, Who has time to sit back and be like, "wait! what, How do I want to feel like, that was so far from my reality for many years, basically." But I like you am am a problem solver and a learner. I love, love, love to learn. And I love books. So I became obsessed with finding strategies, finding tactics, finding solutions. That worked for me. And that's how I started writing because I got really irritated, I would read these books and be like, Well, that was a great story. I liked that that worked for you this beautiful, happy ending, blah, blah, blah. The tools that you shared are not for me like that. They don't resonate, they're not for me, maybe they will be at another time in my life. So all of my writing and my work and the things I do with clients are very individualized. So my goal is to help you understand something differently about yourself. So then you are the one that says "oh, okay, okay, I need strategies like this, I get motivated in this way. This is what refuels me, and this is what trains me because we're also different." So that's, that's how my approach is maybe a little bit different than a lot of the approach is out there.
Yeah, because what you're describing is not a way to live. And if I mean, you could, you could be a mum, you could be a businesswoman and entrepreneur, you could be both, or you could just be facing this next chapter of your life and going "I need to be able to extend myself I need to step outside my comfort zone for me to be able to, you know, create what it is that I want." But that is going to create a certain level of fear. It is going to create a certain level of anxiety and it's going to be stressful at times so it's not like you go "okay, I'm gonna do this and it's all roses and everything's great." So having some different tools on how to handle that, because you know, it is part of the journey and you got to recognize that but then also recognize Seeing the kind of anxiety that you you know, because you've been able to isolate certain types of anxiety, that we all the different types of anxiety that we feel as the person that we are. So lead us through a little bit about that, because this is the first time I've heard someone drill a little bit deeper, because anxiety just gets put in a basket, but it's not all the same.
And I am going to share exactly what I can tell you the moment this, the idea was downloaded. And it was March, I think it was the 13th of 2020. And this was when the world was starting to feel very, very chaotic and uncertain, and a lot of fear flying around. And I saw the beginning of, you know, coal countries, at at, at odds, you know, neighborhoods, family members, couples, you know, people were seemingly facing the same threats or potential threats, right to our health or to our politics or to our financial futures. But we were all reacting very differently, right? And then out, there was a lot of like, "well, how could you possibly have this reaction? How could you think that", you know, when I think this, and then that undermined a lot of relationships, because it was like, "Well, if you're taking this direction, then I don't even know you anymore. I can't even I can't even find compassion for you, because I cannot understand." So I was feeling you know, like you like, because I know, we have these similar emotional, you know, trees, where I was just feeling all of that and wanting to find a way to say "gosh, wow, we're missing compassion, because there's so much fear", the fear is rampant, and we've lost our ability as a whole, not everybody, but a lot, a lot of us to find compassion. And if we can't even find compassion for ourselves or for others, man, we just we don't have a fighting chance here. So I looked at, I looked at, you know, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which is like a way old, you know, psychological theory about, you know, different needs that people have. And I looked at the framework that Gary Chapman proposes in The Five Love Languages, it has been around forever. And the way you know, oh, if you can understand maybe how you look at something differently, then your partner or your neighbor, or your boss or your cousin, Well, wow, maybe that can help to ignite some compassion, and then even open the conversation for some discourse. So that's really where this came from. And I thought, well, well, we're all scared of, we all want the same things. But we're all a little bit more scared of different things. So for instance, and it's funny, because it went through several iterations, I was calling them fear languages at first, which I knew I was like, unless I get Gary's, like blessing, Dr. Chapman's blessing on this, I'm not going to name it the five year languages. But that was the working title for some time. And I did, I spoke with his team. And it's a long story. But you know, we didn't we didn't move forward, like as a joint project at all. But, I didn't want to write a book that had the word fear written in it exactly. The time. So I was like, I, there's no one to do that. So you know, then it moved to anxiety styles. And then I said, Well, there's a, there's a, there are positive attributes to each of these styles. And there are attributes that are like no longer serving us, you know, that they came into being for reason, and chances are, were quite useful to us at a certain point in time, but maybe they're not serving us now. And then, on the positive side, like what are the traits that we develop from these styles that are our geniuses? That like, you really need to acknowledge and celebrate because not everybody can do that. And, right, we often, like, sit, you know, we often like poopoo, the stuff that comes easily to us, right? Because we think it's no big deal, we could do it, you know, in our sleep.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Right? Right? And let alone everybody else is like, how do you do that? Like, what are you talking about? So, um, so that's where I came up with these five anxiety styles. And so they are the lover, the fighter, the executive, the dynamo and the visionary. And the funny thing is, so the fighter, I think it was this one that I said, didn't, didn't come up at first, and I thought, you know, something's missing. And so I'll start off by explaining the fighter because and I'm curious for everybody listening, like somebody will probably pop in your mind. And I'm curious if somebody pops into your mind, but the fighter is somebody who is often calls themselves refers to themselves as a survivor, you know, as they're tough they are, they are the person when something goes wrong, in the kid's school or in the neighborhood or down the block, they go toward the challenge, they move toward the burning building. If somebody is getting hassled getting bullied, not treated fairly, they're the ones that jump in, even if they don't want to all the time. They really feel compelled to move toward the challenge move toward the drama sometimes, and often it comes from being raised in an atmosphere where the chaos and the trauma sometimes is the status quo. And they're also the people that often when things are calm and going really well, it's super uncomfortable, it is not, not a state that they're comfortable in and, and sometimes what happens then is they'll sabotage something on unknowingly, you know, or they will, you know, just not believe it just be waiting for the other shoe to drop, because well, things are never smooth like this. So I kind of call it when somebody is like, so say you were raised in a really, really high altitude with very little oxygen, right, and you learn how to function there, and then you come down into sea level, you're not having to fight for breath, you know, but that's what your body is accustomed to. And so you kind of this is like a kind of a gross metaphor, but like, you will kind of stop the oxygen and you will kind of suffocate yourself a little bit, because that's what you're comfortable with. But there's just this free breathing in a fresh, clean air fully oxygenated, can be very uncomfortable. So sometimes fighters will find themselves recreating the chaos of their childhood, because that's what they're comfortable with. And obviously, it goes much deeper than that right into worthiness, and deserving of, of happiness and all the different areas and ease. So a lot of mantras and meditations associated with that style are around that. How can I get a little bit more comfortable with ease? With kindness with healthy, you know, environment? Sorry, what were you gonna say?
Yeah, so, what you're actually talking about is epigenetics. So what happens is that every emotion that we feel has a chemical makeup. And so when it is the dominant emotion that we're feeling, not just now, but like for most of our lives, the cells of our body become addicted to that chemical. So we can try and make a difference, we can try and do different things. If we're, if we're quick to anger, have we, you know, quick to feel certain emotions. If we try and switch into, you know, gratitude or you know, something different. Our body's going, what the hell is going on? I need that other chemical. Let me give me give me some more of that. And it's uncomfortable to get through. I mean, I think you can change it actually, I know, you can change it. But it's something that you need to be aware of. And I think that's why we just tend to fall into patterns of emotions, because that's what we're addicted to.
Right. And you can direct it, I think, when it become when you're aware of it is I mean, we're just digging in a little bit further in the in the fighter here. But, you know, when you're aware of it, that's the first step, obviously, right? And then the second step is, you know, where can I direct that tendency, it's not going to completely go away ever. And that's where you're, I think, where your gifts lie to, you know, that, how can I use this these capabilities to serve me like so maybe I need a job that's a little bit more challenging, or maybe I need special projects, but maybe I don't want to feel that chaos and hurt in my interpersonal relationships anymore. Right. So I can, you know, seek it elsewhere so that I'm not creating havoc in or attracting havoc and in all areas of my life, right.
So when so then we have the lover, who is all about relationships, and feeling and not just about other people, because I think a lot of people would say, well, relationships and family are the most important to me to like, you know, a lot of people will say that and so, but these are the people who you know, the other kind of piece of that is feeling wanted feeling like you belong feeling like you are included feeling like you're liked is also really really intertwined with this. It's not just oh, I love my family so much, and I want to be with them and I really enjoy being with them. This is it kind of takes it to another level. So you might be the person who's triggered. And in each chapter I go into, like, you might know, you know, if you're triggered by these types of things. So if your, you know, significant other says, you know, I'm going to be late, or they just don't answer their phone for a couple hours, or they end up going out to dinner with friends. And you see pictures, but like, nobody invited you, you know, those are things that are going to be particularly triggering. And I do have a chapter later in the book, Natalie, where I go through each, like dynamic between each of the two, if there's two people involved, and you know, where are the places you guys have some commonality where you can really connect, because some are have more of a global view, some are far more particular, some are more flexible, and spontaneity and spontaneous. And others are more like I need, I need warning. If we're gonna go out of town this weekend, I need to know ahead of time, I need to know where we're going.
I need to have a plan I need to get...
Right. And other people, you know, they might be married to somebody who is like, what do you mean, this is so great, like we just get to pick, let's just throw stuff in the car, who cares, you know, but if you know that you're together with somebody, where that would actually cause a lot of anxiety, then you can you know, you can monitor yourself a little bit better so that you both have a good one person's nightmare and the other person's like, fantastic weekend. Yeah.
I love that. So I'm really interested to hear about the dynamo.
Okay, so dynamos are, I'm a dynamo, achievement junkies. And that's the like, mean fun way of saying it. But you know, these are people who are highly motivated and reinforced by, by achievement by getting things done by projects by action by doing, by movement, progression. So often in in our heads a lot more than in our hearts, often in the future, instead of in the present. Often in our kind of imagination, land and dreaming up goals. And the next thing instead of noticing what's where we are right now what we're doing, oh, I'm talking to Natalie, this is so fun, I get to talk to you, we get to talk to all of your audience, we get to share about my book, like, instead of just being up here in my head, thinking about what I might say next, you know
You know, the thinking about the list that you've created and can't wait to tick everything off like,
Totally, totally so. And so then there are strategies for each one to find out. Okay, where's this really serving me? And how do I acknowledge and celebrate that because that's deserving of such? And then where is it maybe not helping my relationships or not helping my feeling of maybe I'm not feeling accomplished, because I'm not taking two seconds to acknowledge something I was working on for six months and finished. And I'm just swoop on to the next thing, right. So like, for me, I've instituted a lot of practices to be very purposeful about acknowledging and celebrating my wins, no matter how small, but I have to retrain my brain, because that's not my usual mode of operating. And I don't like that I want to be in a mode. But then I do think that I will open up more doors for opportunity if I'm actually enjoying and appreciating the last things I accomplished. So dynamos, so can you relate to that?
I mean, that's not my main, you know, operating situation, but I can relate to getting things done. And I can relate to going from moment to moment without appreciating each moment that's like that moments done. I don't have to look at it again. I'm looking forward to what has to happen next. So I do have a little bit of that, although
You might be visionary.
Yeah, so I mean, my my partner, my new, newish partner, I should say we've been together a couple of years has really helped me to slow down between the pandemic and him. I've like, right, I can, you know, appreciate everything and it's really helped my decision making process so I'm not just you know, I was always a Yes girl. But that I was single I had plenty of time, you know, but now it's like no, no, no, I need to drop in and appreciate life for what it is and not overextend myself and
you say yes, for 15 years straight you accumulate quite a number of projects.
Right.I have to learn how to pick a lane.
And we do attract I think you know, often the qualities that we wish we had in ourselves, which then are wonderful and then also aggravating to you know, right. So in my husband will do that too he'll say, you know it's been raining all week. It's gorgeous out Like, word, everybody's dropping everything, we're going to the beach. And I'm so grateful. It'll, it'll irritate me in the moment. As soon as I'm at the beach, I'm so grateful, because I would look out the window and say, Oh, it's beautiful. I'm so glad it's not, you know, and then I go back to the project, because I love projects, and I, and the projects that I get to do right now are all past, you know, passion projects. So, so yeah, the, each one of these has, you know, I move and make decisions a little bit from more from my heart, or I'm up here from my head. So if you are, you know, if you have somebody on your team, maybe who is a visionary, and you're an executive, you know, you can figure out, okay, here are the areas where you relate where you can communicate on the same level. And then here are areas where this person is going to react. polar opposite to what how you might react to it. So let's have a little compassion for that, you know?
Yeah, absolutely. So all right, visionary, let's, let's talk about the visionaries.
Yeah, so visionary. I mean, it kind of speaks enough in the title, but it really is somebody that is very imaginative, and thinks far into the future, and loves the idea of really has grand grand plans as a, a grand exciting plan that's much more much larger than themselves, or their family or their community or you know, tends to be very large. And very long term, this is not something they can do in 10 days, or in a 21 day challenge, it tends to be like, earth shattering, sort of, at least that's what the underlying like drivers, that's what feels good and exciting. That's what refuels you and fills you up. And so things like the strategies that I have, for visionaries are ways to, you know, come to the present moment more often, ways to bring the people you care about into your world a little bit, like have that connection a little bit. Because often it's, you know, it's not even slowing down to bring other people into that excitement, and then they don't feel connected to you. And then they're also less likely to maybe support you in that. So, you know, how can we make sure to, to share in our vision, and then also, sometimes visionaries have a hard time really relating to other people, and not just like, well, what's your vision? Well, maybe they don't have a big vision like that. What's important to them is that every that they get to make a home cooked meal and have everybody just connect and talk to each other over dinner and make eye contact and not have their cell phones and not be thinking about something else. And so a lot of what I talk about with visionaries is how can you show up for the other people in your life in a way that feels good for them. So that then in turn, when you're off in the clouds and just changing the frickin world? They're there for you as well. And they get
Yes, I'm definitely fall into that basket.
And we all have combinations, right? Like the quit, if you go to flourishquiz.com. Again, I didn't want to call it an anxiety quiz. So flourish quiz, because that's what I call, you know, when you're really using this style to understand hmm, these are the things that are no longer serving me. These are the qualities that I really want to embrace and celebrate, then you're flourishing, which is the goal. So about halfway through, I stopped calling it anxiety style, and we move toward, you know, your flourish type.
Yeah. Well, and I think that with a book like this, it helps us to truly understand, you know, what can trigger us? So we know how to navigate through that? What motivates us, you know, because we can tap more into that when we need to get that extra fuel, but also how to help other people communicate with us in a way that supports us and that we support them. You know, because that that is where it's all at. We can have these big dreams and big goals and careers, and even you know, that our families that we're looking after, and if we can figure out how to support ourselves and the people around us in a way that supports everyone. Yeah, then we're winning. I mean, that's it. That's, that's all we need to achieve. We're winning at that.
Right? Yeah, we're winning at the process, because the finish line, who knows what's gonna be there when you're gonna reach it right? If we're not enjoying the process and feeling good along the way? 100%.
So flourish.com is where they can where people can go into do a little quiz, so they can,
flourishquiz.com
Yeah, think about it. And so where can I get their hands on the book? How can we
Anywhere books are sold online, you can go to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Thrift books. It's on like, walmart.com It's everywhere. I don't think it's on target yet, but everywhere else, The Unflustered Mom. And then oh, if they go to my website, and they say, oh, yeah, I ordered it at Target, or is that the one place? I said it wasn't? I ordered it on Amazon
You're projecting. It's okay.
I know, right? I'm like, Target, Target target. See, I'm not having gratitude for all the other places. It's available. I'm just freaking irritated this non target. What? That's ridiculous. Okay, so, so say you ordered on Barnes & Noble. And you go to my website, it's just Amber Trueblood. And if you click that, you know where you ordered it. And then you say, Okay, I'm a visionary, or I'm an executive, then that triggers a bunch of fun, really, really cool resources that will go straight to your inbox. And so there's a guided meditation for each style. There's a guided mantra, audio that I wrote for each one. And then there's a bunch of other fun stuff. So sleep tips and things like that. And another little like a webinar, like a mini webinar with some of my favorite tips for overwhelmed moms.
Excellent. Darling, thank you so much for joining me today. And as you can hear, yes, the name of the book is "The Unflustered Mom", but it is not specifically for moms. And I, especially after the couple of years that we've been through, because I feel you like I was I had to actually for me, I had to step out, I had to step out of a lot of you know, social media and everything because I was just so confused. And I'm like, okay, my friend who I know has a meditation practice, who I know is, you know, has a business with helping people as having this massive angry rant about having to wear a mask. I'm like, this makes no sense to me. What is going on? So yeah, and that was a lot of judgment. There's a lot of stuff going on. But, you know, like we said, understanding what makes you tick. It can be exceptionally helpful and I know that this book could be very good being able to help you do that. So thanks again. Amber. It's been so great chatting,
Natalie, it's been lovely, and I want to just start calling it The Unflustered mum. Yeah. They're calling it that. Awesome.
