S5 E1 - 9:9:22, 1.51 PM
5:56PM Sep 9, 2022
Lee Skallerup Bessette
Hey everyone, and welcome back to season five, season five of the podcast all the things ADHD.
Oh, the things. Awesome.
Awesome. Every single one of them are bingo cards are infinitely large,
infinitely large and it's a bingo every time and every number hit twice what?
And numbers that we didn't even know. We didn't even know situation
of plenitude. Currently. Yeah. pundants abundance things
we get we'll get to Thanksgiving. I'll remember to be grateful for all the for something. Yeah, for something. And anyways, I'm one of your co hosts, Lee Skallerup Bessette.
And I am another one of your co hosts, Amy hoping things pick up soon. Morrison.
Yes. That would that sounds like my middle name too. So we left last season with a mission for ourselves and for you to make this the summer of self acceptance. And we ended it so optimistically. We did you could tell by her laughter in her tone right now.
Yes, it is rueful A F, as we can say. So, so how did your self acceptance going?
Well, I had a lot of opportunities to practice self acceptance. Let's say I wrote them down. So after we had finished, the first thing that happened to me was I went for a nice springtime bike ride with my husband. And some it was like a very slow bike ride down the trail after supper and some type of stinging insect flew directly into my eye, and stung me on my eyeball, which resulted in me almost crashing my bike and crying and having to walk my bike home and followed by an eye infection by course of antibiotics. And then after that, I had an unexpected business trip. And when I came back from that I was rushing down to a party and I slammed my fingers in between the panels of a garage door. Breaking the tip of one of my finger is having the nails surgically removed after four and a half hours in the emergency room in a party dress and my other two nails smashed up. So I had an open wound on my finger and seven stitches in my new bed, which did eight weeks of recovery, during which time I could not submerge my hand in anything which took me out of the pool, then what else happened
so you could no longer play piano you could no longer play
piano. My husband dropped a weight on his foot at the gym and broke his toe. So I had a busted finger he had a busted toe we were quite the pair he was in a walking boot for a while couldn't drive and I couldn't couldn't really shift. And then after that, what happened I had a weird mole. That alarmed my family doctor required immediate removal. Here's a something I just learned recently because this mole Now I call it was like I'm weird mobile years old. And now I have a mole hole because I had this mole removed a month ago. And the wound has not closed yet because any of our listeners who have one of the common comorbidities with autism have ADHD, which is Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is a skin and joint disorder. One of the classic hallmarks of that is a kind of imperviousness to local anesthetic and also slow wound healing. So I have had ample opportunity to test both of those things in many trips to the emergency room and it's here. So with my weird mole hole, I also can't go swimming. So my pool membership was for not to this year, and then rapidly after that my husband slammed on his brakes on the trail on his bicycle to avoid hitting a child who on a scooter would swerved into the passing lane right in front of them and he landed on his shoulder separated his shoulders so that he had two shoulders on the one side and then 10 days later had emergency surgery on that shoulder. Now he has a plate and screws in his arm and can't put his own pants on. So I had a lot of acceptance to do this here about not swimming and not seeing and not playing piano and not being able to type. And then also having my husband have some infirmities and injuries that required me to take on different tasks in the house that I had been successfully avoiding for about 20 years. Because he does that for me. Then my kids switch schools and I just kept getting injured and he just kept getting injured. And just before I got on this podcast, I was laying out pills on the counter for him on a piece of paper with times a day written next to the pills because I have to remember when he has to take
all of his pills saw a lot of executive functioning going on
I got you would not believe the stuff I'm forgetting. So my summary of self acceptance was about lowering my expectations. Constant Wait, about what my summer was going to be like. It's like you're gonna go swimming all the time. No, because you can't get your hands wet. Well, you can float. Okay, that's great. Except now you can't get your leg wet.
Okay? You're synchronized swimming.
We're doing exactly we're just gonna go for Well, no, Tom broke his foot. Okay, well his foots better now we're gonna go for walks with Tom. Now Tom broke his shoulder and can't go to the bathroom by himself. Okay, so we're gonna get right. So,
deep breathe. Okay. Now school started up again.
Severs god. Yeah. I mean, I'm laughing and I'm smiling. I will say the whole time, I was making jokes about the summer of self acceptance, because maybe it's a little bit easier to accept ourselves when things are going well. And we had talked about learning to accept ourselves for our own limitations, but we didn't really talk about accepting when life just continues to throw rocks got your face. You're just like, I'm okay with these rocks. And I have some more bruises on my face. And I'm a bit worried all the time. But like, that's okay. Okay, fine. Yeah. How about you? How's your summer of self acceptance go? I would say knowing the answer.
Yeah. So less things in firming me personally than that. But basically, like this summer self acceptance was going fairly well. I'm busy right daughter started her job coaching and lifeguarding and, but can't drive herself. And so, you know, and we don't have very good public transit in this area, at least for like, if we want to get into DC then it's, it's great. But if you want to go anywhere else, then not so much. So a lot of driving back and forth a lot of a lot of driving a lot of driving a lot of getting up really early in the morning to drive for two sets swim team, a lot of a lot of driving them to swim meets in the evenings and coaches activities and, and, and, and, and a lot of husband traveling for work, right. So and we did manage to take a trip to Montreal, which was yeah, I drove there was the easiest nine hours I've ever driven in my life. It was just like, No, seriously, I was because I was doing it by myself. Right. So I with the two kids, but when just it was just when we left and when you ended up skirting around at least the way we went. We didn't go Ontario you skirt around New York City. And so you basically go through the Catskills and then the Adirondacks. Yeah, and it's just like, oh, this is so nice. This is so pretty. And as my kids say thank goodness for telephones, thank goodness for smartphones because she was like What? What did you do on long car trips before this?
contemplated the universe? Yeah,
exactly. And played the license plate game, which we also did. We played the license plate game. Yeah, daughter kept a list on her phone of all the ones that that we saw. It was pretty it was pretty intense, too. When we hadn't seen let you sit once you get into upstate New York, there's not a lot of out of towners kind of things, right? Yes. A lot of New York plates. And we hadn't seen we'd shockingly hadn't seen Rhode Island and we saw Rhode Island and both both my daughter and I just exploded startled. Start the crowd. Oh
yeah. So you can say like before smartphones, we got really, really excited about out of state license plates. Yes. Like yeah, disproportionately proportionately excited
as we experienced even with the smartphones so and that so that was good. The trip was nice and fit was nice. My daughter actually went on her own using her you know, there's there's an advantage of getting your child as SkyMiles number as soon as that they have to buy a plane ticket and fly by themselves. So that when they're 15 they have enough miles to pay for their own flights to visit frenzy. Yeah, so she did that by herself. And yeah, so I mean, it was exhausting right like it was it an exhausting summer and you know, again, I was we had the pool membership, but I never really ended up using it to swim because I was like, why? I don't want to go back to the pool again. Right who's just here but I can't swim. Well, swim team is going on because parents aren't allowed anyways. Whatever.
So you don't want to drive back the second time. It'd be like Exactly. Like insanity. Yeah, yeah,
exactly. And I have to take 495 And I don't want to take 495 After work because then everybody's on 45 It is going to take me like 45 minutes to an hour to get to the pool, which seems counterproductive.
Very relaxing. If you Like, I get 10 times more stressed getting to the activity, that's my job.
And then getting home to raises both directions doesn't matter. So, but but that was, you know, that was all right. I got I got a therapist, yeah, therapists and that was that was a big thing too, that I finally, not that I not that I hadn't wanted to get a therapist, but as many of you probably know, and as experienced yourself, it is not easy to find a therapist in this day and age, there are not nearly enough of them.
And especially ones that will be attentive to the nature of your disorder and will not say as some therapists are tending to do, like, just make a list. Like so. That's how my brain works.
Although, although, although, mine, one of the things that we were talking about was my inability to sleep and always has been my ability to sleep. And she goes to practice because sleep hygiene and she sent me like the sleep hygiene article. I was like, oh, girly. Alright, let's talk about something else.
I'm gonna have to send you my Wikipedia page that details my whole life story here, because let's save some time.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. But anyway, yoga. You tried to get Yeah. Not recently. No. So maybe I should go back to it. And that'll help. I don't know. But, but then, so came home. We had a week afterwards, everything was we're gonna go to school, and then everything went to hell. Yeah, everything went to hell. And while it is not my health to share, let us just say that we are three weeks in where I am, because we start two weeks before we start before Labor
days, which is not right. I'm just gonna
stipulate Yeah, no, I know. I know. But at least there are other places that start before my birthday. My birthday is in mid August, right. And like I'm seeing back to school pictures before my birthday. And I'm like, Okay, no, no. New, new new. But, so I think my kids have gone to school, collectively between the two of them. Three full
days. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. So you're subsidizing the public education system with your taxes and your kids are not even going the same way that we are both subsidizing the community pools. We have memberships and but we never get together. You
never use Exactly. Yeah. Boy. Yeah. So there's and there's and there's been really legitimate reasons why they haven't gone to school. Yeah. Yeah, extraordinarily legitimate reasons. But also rotating cast reasons. So just to say that it was supposed to be back to school this week. And then there was food poisoning. And it was just like, Oh, sure. Okay.
Yeah. Oh, something new on my bingo card. Oh, exactly. Like, this is not surprising things that are happening in my life. It's never a surprising thing. Like, oh, you know what, I got a check for $10,000 in the blue. Well, that's very surprising. No, it's like, somebody's throwing up now because they know that no, okay. Like, I was not expecting that. I mean, you know, there are right. Oh, yeah.
We made the joke. Like at that point. I'm just laughing, right? Because I'm just like, Yeah, of course. Why not? And me like emailing the school yet again. Like, I they're still not there. Yeah, no, it's food poisoning. Yeah, maybe
CPS is coming to your house and going like, there seem to be an awful lot of strange tragedies in your household lately. This does not seem likely to have happened at all. Yeah, exactly. Especially all of them. Yeah, two or three weeks, right? In
two or three weeks. So like, last night, we were making the joke because we were eating dinner, and we were you know, had to get my son to eat the salad eat salad. I don't want you to get scurvy. And that's usually our job. That's usually our job. Just like nobody gets scurvy anymore. And I'm like, I am not pressing my luck watered on my bingo card. Like you're joking, but I'm really actually not tonight like yeah, let's not get scurvy. Try the avoidable ancient diseases.
You know people do still get scurvy actually befalls university age males actually.
Interesting not shocking at all right?
It's just like ramen noodles, beer and video games right at the gym do not eat anything with vitamin C. And weirdly, that's the population which has a resurgence of scurvy. And it's not from lack of access to food. It's usually from lack of access to smarts.
Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. No, exactly. Right like that. And that is actually my fearful son because it wouldn't be ramen noodles it'd be mac and cheese. Right but he would be he would subsist on mac and cheese. Yeah. You know for supplement
that with vitamin C, right? It's an orange food all organic foods should be like Doritos should be supplemented with vitamin C if it's orange, we're just going to as a society decide vitamin C and the way supplement Nope, with vitamin D,
or iodine in ourselves, right? Like, just no more
goiter is for anyone. So, yeah,
so I've been, why do we know anything? So? So yeah, so basically this has been the the self acceptance of this is not how I wanted the return to school to go this year. I was already because last year was I, I thought last year was hard. Right. But then like, this year is just last year said, Hold my beer. Right? Yeah, like this year just said, Hold my beer. And like, so, you know, so it's been, you know, I think back and forth on the self acceptance, right. Like, it's it was going well, until it wasn't. Yeah, and same sort of thing, right. It's going well, until it wasn't. And it's just been a lot of as, as my therapist says, she's like, You seem very task oriented at the moment.
Yes, you do.
Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, a all of this stress all in one place, all at the same time, sharpens the ADHD brain. And so like, now I can actually make lists and do them because like, that's what my brain wants right now. Because it's crisis. So, yeah, because it's in crisis mode. And it's happy about that. Not happy but you know, feeding off that
like, Oh, good. Nom, nom, nom. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
So, so yes, got very task oriented. But also, the tasks were things I could control. In the situations where there I didn't have a lot of control over very much of anything at all. Yep. And yeah, I still don't feel like I do. But, but I did. I mean, you know, I took the time off work. You know, like, I didn't try to power through it. I was just like, I have to take this week off. And you know what, I'm gonna take another day off as well, because it's not not gonna work otherwise. And
And aren't you glad you've been practicing that? Right? Yeah. So when you had your little car crunch up, little car crunch up. This is to say nobody was in the hospital for me. Like, I guess there was a time Lee, when anybody having any kind of car conjure up would have been the most serious thing that had happened to anybody I knew ever. But now I'm like, oh, that talk is just like regular little thing that happened? Yeah. Right. Because like you had done the work then. Right? Yeah, thinking about what did you need? And I think you'd had the experience that that had been the right thing to do for you. Right. And that, that you had managed to come out of that with a little bit less crisis, drama, self harm, and the neurodivergent hangover from that, because you had acknowledged at the outset, you know what, I actually can't handle
this. No, I can actually handle this right. And there wasn't even any question. It was just like, hey, this is happening. And I And of course, everybody was very understanding like, I don't even think they would have expected me to show up at work anyways, course. I mean, but the thing
that's important is that you didn't expect yourself anyways, like, I just want to pause there for a moment and say, like, it was so important that you had thought about those things before this particular moment, right, that you'd had a chance to rehearse? What would it look like? If I learned to read my own signals? Right before my signals, like shut me down? Right? What if I learn to recognize when a task is actually too emotionally upsetting for me to compartmentalize or when I need to take the time. And when you do that in a relatively low stakes situation where it's like damage to property, right, you're like, I actually need some time to deal with this. And you're not like tremendously emotionally involved in that. And so that you build a new habit, right? You build a new pattern in your brain where you've learned to notice your incipient feelings of overwhelm. And you know that the best thing for you to do is this. And then when you did it, like you didn't get fired, for example, right, you didn't think everybody's gonna hate me. And you did solve the problems more quickly that way. Because you you have that so like, if you build that, that new habit, and that self knowledge in lower stakes situations, and then you build a pattern of like, the world didn't burn down. When I
still called lower stakes situation. I
know. I know. I fear it. And like, I don't need to minimize
I know, no, I know, I'm laughing too. Because again, it was like, you know, you thought this was bad. Yeah, you thought
this was bad. But like, But wait, there's more. Right? Like, wait, there's more. Yeah. And so like, when we sometimes I think, like we maybe diminish the importance of, of attending to the little things, right? But like learning how to change our patterns as regards the so called Little things, right? Means we don't change our patterns and then we're still stuck in the same like, I can do it all I must be so task oriented. I need to put my blinders on and shut everything else down, that when the big things happen, we are not equipped at all to deal with them. And so like that's why I think it's so great when you Lina when people are able to have therapy or when people like start mindfulness practices, or meditation or or movement practices, or all the things like we talked about on the podcast about learning a little bit more about who we are and what we need, or what our strengths and challenges are, or like learning what kinds of rest we need, like, we've done several episodes about how to have hobbies and have rest. So you fill up your give a fuck bucket a little bit more, right before you eat it. And when we learn how to deal with conflict, like we did that episode where like the self care episode where you were like, and I needed to get away from the situation, I need to go to sleep right away, but actually just needed to listen to, like a meditation app for half an hour before. Like all those skills that you're building. And what feels like smaller one off crises means that when a big crisis hits, you've already done, actually a substantial amount of work, learning how to treat yourself better, so that you can, like be more present for the things that you need to do. And I know it's like a really shitty time for you right now. And it's a really,
for me, too. Yeah. You had it, you had a you had a big win. Well, a big win, as well, in terms of of asking for what you needed. And stepping up and recognizing it before it got to be too much.
I did, I was so proud of myself. Because like I was like, as as we all know, on this podcast, because it's a running joke about my enormous paper I wrote with like the 90 some citations in it when that was about academic accommodations, right about how we did not want to ask for them at work, because I didn't want to be that disabled person. Right. And we talked about the internalized ableism about but as I was at the hospital last Tuesday, with my husband while he was undergoing surgery, and like this was very annoying, because I'm in the waiting room where they told me to wait. But then he was out of surgery. Nobody came to get me for like two hours. So anyhow, I'm sitting there, like freaking out because like, Should we be out of surgery? Oh, my God, maybe he's dead. Like,
you know, the way the brain goes? Yes. Like, yeah. Is he not waking up? Like what's going on here? Yeah. And I was feeling very, very stressed, because
it had already been like 10 days. So he injured himself on August the 28th, which was the time I had set aside to be working on my courses, right? Because I've mapped out my research term this past summer, like we could talk about this in another episode. But I've been working on like, How can I work in a way that suits me not a way that suits other people and have been batching things in smaller chunks of intense time to get a complete task done. And my course prep time was like, meant to start on August 18. And like, go through the beginning of term, but then Tom injured himself on the 20th. And my whole life fell apart. After like, it was just panic and confusion and tasks and like, your task oriented, yeah, task oriented, right. But and but the tasks were not my tasks and. And so here I am in the hospital last week, like August the 30th, or 31st. And I was like, shit school starts next week. And I don't have any like, courses sites, because I had to re prep this one course. I've taught it for three years. It's a social media class. And I was like freaking out thinking like, I can't really be present in this hospital right now. And I can't really be present for Tom and what he's going to need and taking care of him, because I'm so worried that my courses are not going to be ready. And I like emailed my chair, right? And I just sort of said, like, well, here, I'm at the hospital. And here's what's going on. And I'm wondering if there is any ta funds left or any like roving TAs and like, Could I maybe get a bit of help, like getting my course together, because like, I am going to be really busy, like for the foreseeable, and I will not be at 100%. And like it felt that asking because like, I'm just the caregiver, but like, I was finding myself getting like more and more panicked and more and more short tempered, and irritable and split and forgetful, because I was like, I gotta do 100% of my job. But I also like, my husband can't put his own socks on, right? He can't shower by himself. He like can't manage his pain pills, like I have to do so much. And I really want to be present. To do that. For him. That is like panicking and panicking. And so I asked him, like, my chair wrote me back right away. And he's like, Yeah, I will let you know in two hours when we get done. And now I have a TA for between two and five hours a week, casual PE for as long as I need them. And I was like, Oh, wow, my TA has already worked. Maybe eight or nine hours with me, which doubled the amount of time I would say well, basically to spend prepping my courses and it saved me such an enormous amount of work. So I'm still completely overwhelmed. Like I'm not getting ahead. Like I'm keeping up. I'm keeping
up. Basically keeping up is still Yeah, right. Like, yeah, and the way the way that you would scheduled out your summer as well, when we were talking about this. Last week, we checked in last week, and we checked for a podcast episode because it was a lot for both of us. And we were like this is a little too much. Let's get some distance get it all out and do a debrief. Yeah, yeah, we did a debrief and then. So I guess this is the first podcast we've ever prepared for. Beyond like, what are we going to talk about today?
People are gonna be like you prepared for this one because it does not sound any different.
I know. That's how bad it is that we actually had to prepare like
to get to this we had an accommodation to get to their usual level of function.
Yeah, exactly. But again, like you were you were saying that you had built in slack time. I did write that you'd finally God. Yeah, exactly. But but sort of and you know, knowing that If it took a little bit of pressure off you that things could happen, not perhaps not just catastrophically as they did still have some space. But it did actually create a little bit of ease as well, because you had space even to be able to email the chair and say, Okay, this is what I need to get to the minimum. Where, and I. And what was interesting too, is you were saying you built in the space not to get ahead. But just to be like, this is just, you know, I'm not going to try to, but I'm going to take the time. And then rather than take because I think this is an ADHD thing, too. We don't see time very well, right. We don't we don't understand how long things should take. And so it's a hard lesson to learn that you recognize it's like, Okay, I think this should only take a week. But after 40, whatever years, maybe I should finally realize that I should double,
double that amount of time. double that
Yeah. Yeah. Like, I think I was more reasonable this summer. Like, for me, that was part of my summer of self acceptance was not like, I'm going to spend a summer like, quote, unquote, writing my book, because I've been doing that every summer. And it's not getting me where I need to be right. So this summer, I had been invited to do some things. And I like when I get invited to do things, because I already have accountability for it, and someone is already interested. And then they always have deadlines. And so I picked things that had deadlines that were each like four to six weeks apart. And they were fairly similar to one another, they were in related domains. So some of the work would transfer and I set myself like a first deadline, I'm going to submit this 4000 word piece on this day, and then the next day, we go on vacation for five days. And then when I come back from that, then I'm going to work on the next thing for six weeks, right, which I did. And then that had a deadline, because it was a keynote at a conference. And you can't be late with those because everyone is in the room already. Right. So I did that. And I booked myself, Oh, I'll get it to you tomorrow. I'll get it to you tomorrow, like if you would just like to stay on the line. And I did that. And I booked myself three days afterwards to just like, decompress from that. And it's like, okay, and then I'm going to start the next thing we do half of my course prep, I'm going to work on the next thing that's due September the 30th. And so like, by the time I had to sort of ask for help, I had met my two deadlines, you know what I mean? Like I had follow the plan. And so like, I'm just realizing this now, but it was probably easier for me to send them that email and feel like I deserved help. Because I had been working all summer, ya know, like, I had made plans and I had followed through and I wasn't like, you know, I was planning to do this thing. And I didn't do it. And Tom wasn't injured then and I wasn't injured, and they didn't get it done. And like now I'm still not getting things done. Like what's different, right? I don't deserve any help, right. But I had been feeling like I had done the best job that I was able to do and that I had a system that was working. And I had like a couple of wins, which was like I submitted a thing on time. And then I submitted another thing on time, right. And then I was working on the next thing. And then when it fell apart, I was like I was able to do before and now I'm not so the situation feels different. And it's okay to ask for help when like in the normal course of things. I feel like I've never getting anything done. So if I'm getting less of not getting anything done then before I don't feel like I deserve help for it. Because even when situation was good, I wasn't getting anything done. Does that
make sense? Yeah, no, it makes perfect sense. But here's to say that even if you weren't getting anything done, I still deserved. I know. I know. It's for all your listeners out there.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, this is about like feeling safe to ask, right? And it's not even whether this person would give it to me or not. Because they might have it's would I have allowed myself to ask right? What I've been able to undo my reflexive self loathing about my work habits of mind productivity enough to say like, I don't really deserve a TA $45.45 An hour right to help me with this, because I wasn't getting anything done anyways, even if everybody else in the world would have said, this is an unusual situation. And you need some help. Right? Yeah. So it was only when I was getting some things done, like not like I was competing with anybody, I'm getting more down than everybody else. And I deserved some stuff. It was like, Oh, I set myself some minimal goals. I was accepting my own work habits, I had made a reasonable plan that I thought was geared to my abilities and my interests. And that was true, and I was going great. And then a circumstance happened and so I was able in this instance to be like, Oh, it's the circumstance. Yeah, that's the problem. Not know. Yeah. And that was a new feeling for me. Yeah.
Well, and even even like you said, knowing that after your keynote you got to book that weekend off right and not feeling guilty about it. Because this is what I need in order to be you know productive presents a normal human being right where you know we have the we have the hangover, we know we're gonna get the hangover and so we need to if we can schedule time for it, right where it is. I'm going to do this thing. I tried to do something like that this summer. I I just remembered as you're talking about this, my what I thought was the worst thing was gonna happen this summer. are so poorly. I knew my husband was traveling a whole bunch, right? And so I was like trying to think of something I love. I love being by water. Like I just find that very restorative for me. Particularly natural bodies of water. I mean, standing on a pullback is fine, but it's not quite the same. It's a different vibe. Yeah, it's a different vibe. So I thought you know what? I don't camp, right. We're not camping. And we're not a camping family. And but I heard that they had these yurts or rustic cabins. So it was like you started there's no electricity. So but but at least there's four solid walls or like,
I mean, it's round. It's a set of red. It looks like a UFC cage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
But, but not a tent. Right. And there's, there's actually a bad yeah, yeah, there's a bed in there. And there's tables and chairs and all of that. So I was very excited. And so found one that was near on a lake in a state park. So it was fairly affordable. But because it was sort of last minute, the ones that were closest to me, were all booked up. And then so I was gonna go near Richmond, which is the best of times is a two hour drive, but I was going on 95. And so it was like four hour drive. Yeah, stopped in Fredericksburg, saw friends in Fredericksburg, hung out for a little bit. That was really fun. And so I get there, I get to the State Park. I get to the gate. I'm all ready to go. But it's in the evening and stuff and I'm just like, Okay, I'm gonna make my firing and eat my dinner. I'm gonna set up and I get there and I'm like, Yeah, I have a yet reserved. They're like you do? Like, yes, they're like, oh, no, you didn't reserve a year. You just reserved a campground. Oh. You have no tent? No. Oh, no. Oh, no. Like, you could try sleeping in your car and I burst into tears. Sure. You know, this poor Park State Park Ranger. Just they're like, Well, you could try another one. And I'm like, what other one? Like where the fuck am I going like, so I was still I got I got into stubborn mode. Sure, like fun camping my fucking car. Yeah, it was my car. I'll show you. Yeah, I've got an SUV. It's fine.
Yeah, it's fine.
It was the hottest balls, right? The campsite was so far away from the bathroom. Oh, no. And it was just like, so finally. It's 1230. I've been basically crying this entire time. Sure. Yeah. And then I was like, alright, well, because I was planning to stay two nights, right? It was getting to the first day stay overnight, go to the lake the next day. There's like a little canoe trip and all of that. Go to the lake the next day and then, you know, leave leisurely on day three, right? That was that was George rested? Happy? Yes. Yeah. Yes. It was. I was like white knuckling it until that, right, like just white knuckling it. And then, of course, it's so I like drive home at 1230 at night, which only takes an hour and a half because there's traffic and the traffic, traffic. And so, so I ended up coming home and then was just like, though, I'm like, Just leave me alone for two days. Yeah, he'd already planned to do all the kids stuff, like just leave you alone for two days. And it was just so I was so like, and again, it was like I had, but, but it's just that I felt like an ask because I hadn't paid attention to the site. And it wasn't like, I was so excited. And blinded by this, that it was just like I'm making a reservation. And then didn't double check anything. So yeah, but I
mean, Lee, because it's very, very, very relatable.
Yeah. Right. And it's just is just like Todd and I, you know, it feels like an ass. Right. Coming home with a tail between my legs lose good people. Yeah. And you're like, Shut up. Don't talk to me. Yeah, please, please don't like we're never to speak of this again. Which is one which I've effectively forgotten about until right the second so it worked. Like it happened a year ago at this point.
Yeah. I was like, No way. That's not good. Because it means like 10 million other things happening.
Well, then I did. I did have a really nice, great thing. So when we went to Montreal, really good old friends of mine, bought a lake house. And I didn't want to invite myself of course. And so I texted my friend said, Okay, well, because we were still hemming and hawing about are, am I going to drive? Are we going to do this while we're going to Okay, so, when you finally committed and said, Yes, we're going to do this? These are the dates we're going to do it let's go. I texted my friend and said hey, we're going to be in town are all y'all are y'all gonna be in town? They're like, well, the kids Is your camp, but we're at the at the cottage. I said, Okay, great. Well, you know, let me know when you get in these like, do you want to come? I was like, Oh my God, thank
you like, Wow. I mean, since you asked,
I was like, I didn't want to invite myself. So I drove, basically showed up on like, Thursday. And then Saturday was like, Sia, nice. Like, I bring you the kids. I'm like, Well, no, no. Like, have fun with my teenagers. Right? And so and it was, it was fantastic. Because like they were, this is what they do live. So we just, like sat by the water, and went swimming in the water, and then sat by the water. And then like, yeah, it was just, you know, and I felt like, and it was amazing. It was just like, what not even, I don't even think I was there. 24 hours, maybe a little maybe that. And it was just sort of like, oh my gosh, like, all of a sudden, I was like, I was like getting ideas again. Right. I was like, wouldn't be interesting if I did this thing. And so now I have five new projects that I'm thinking about, but, um, but like, it was just this this amazing, like, you know, moment where I was like, oh, yeah, okay, I need to try to find a way to do this more often. In renovation,
right? Because you are not the designated grown up there. Yeah. And you did not have your kids with you. And no one needed anything from you. Right? Like, you didn't have to have your notifications turned out like there was nothing, no one was depending on you for anything, and you had nothing to do. Right. So it's like that kind of, like we were talking about when we were talking about rest that for you. Sometimes you need to introvert. And sometimes that introversion means like just paying less attention to everybody around you and what they need. Yeah, right, which gives you a little bit of time to just ease into yourself, and it doesn't take long, well, like you really do it. You can't do it with a phone in one hand while trying to like book after school activities for your kids. Like it's like you can't you have to completely stop. Right. And if you completely stop, it can be one day. And it's amazing. How much of your soul you can get back. Right?
Yeah. Well, and I think part of it as well was like, this was one of my oldest friends. And so they're really, you know, I can I can be myself, or at least there isn't, you know, I mean, you know, there's always a level of masking, right? Like if you've got friends with call, if you're friends with colleagues at work, there's a level of masking if your friend you know, I mean, you always have to right, there's a there's a there's a performative expression, yeah, self consciousness and performative, which, you know, even even if you're not neurodivergent, there is always that level. But, you know, with this friend, and it's also just to be able to be, right, and it's like, well, you've known me since we were 17. And, you know,
like, that was probably the worst, least evolved version of myself. So it doesn't matter how much I let it go right now. I'm still, you know, I'm not going to hit that nadir of the person that you met when we were 17.
Exactly. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, exactly. And so. So I think that also really helped was just being around. I think this is like, this is where I would, because I was thinking about it on the drive home. The people who love you unconditionally. Yeah, right. Like those, those particular ones were. But there were also there are also no stakes. That's right. Right. There's also no stakes, where there's no deliverables. Yeah, there's no deliverables. Well, but there's also none of the, there's none of the who's going to pick the kids up who's gonna you know, because there's, there's that too, right? Where it's like, the, the everyday will intrude on it. Where it's like, yeah, we shared our every day, but it was more like, you know, here the shitty things that are going to you know, like just anybody in their 40s Now, right, your parents are getting older your kids are, you know, your kids are getting older too, what that means to you to drive them places, you still have to drive them places, in some ways. You need that they need You more. That's right, but also don't want you but you know, you have to you have
to drive them places that take an hour to get there, but they're on their phone and won't talk to you the whole time. You're like, oh, please give this uber a five star rating. Like Yeah, honestly. I feel so valued here. Yeah, just have two hands and a driver's license at this point, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Who who could? Who could who also has a credit card?
Yeah. And insurance and a vehicle like that's it right. Um, the infrastructure? Yeah. But not great.
But it was and I met in a little bit more chaotic, but I also got hung out with to my older friends to who I know through swim team. And so like, you know, even more of the pep donate since I was 13 and eighth grade boy. Yeah. So deep. Yeah. Deep. Oh, no deep, deep cuts.
I mean, my house, we know something about deep cuts at this point.
Put on home.
Thank you. Do you need me? I'll be at the ER.
Yeah. It's your gaping wounds.
Wounds are my husband. I just have to tell you, I have to tell you didn't want to know what my husband texted me. When he had his bike crash. What did you know, I'm, I'm still in the city. So he is at the very south end of Waterloo. He's like, actually in Kitchener, and I'm at the very furthest north point of the city. So I'm quite far away from him with my sister at home since what would it be like? HomeSense is like like a winner and TJ Maxx or something like that. And so we're like browsing for Fall stuff. And I get a text from my husband, and it says, Help. I'm like, what, and then I get another text right after and it says broke my shoulder. And I was like, I'm sorry, but I haven't even had time to respond, because the texts are just gonna be so first text help. Second text broke my shoulder joint out the third text was caught by bike, come pick up my bike. And I wrote what called him? Yeah, it's like, he is so task oriented, right? He's like, broke my shoulder, pick up my bike. I'm like, That is not what I'm worried about. Yeah, right now. So you have to imagine me I'm on the phone now like with one hand over, like my year and then like the phone held up, and I'm looking down at the floor because a bit chaotic. And I'm trying to block out some of the stimulus. And as I call him, and he's like, he's clearly in pain. And then I hear the paramedics come, we just like, hold the phone and I could listen to the paramedics like get him on a gurney and ask him what has to stop. And I was like, what is happening? And I wound up having to like, like, just anyhow, it was like a major major tralala my whole day I banded my sister at home since but I felt like God what a classic husband thing to do is like help broke my shoulder pick up my bike. And that was his main concern. Come get my bike. And I was like, I think you kind of missed the point here.
Well, it's like every it's like, you know, it's like when I had my scrape up with the car, right? Like, I was crying about the car and all everybody else cared about it was like, are you okay? And I'm like, Oh, no. You're missing the point. Yeah. Oh, my car. Yes.
You should talk to Tom about this. Yeah, we'll come pick up my bike. It's like, what? Like, wow, we're so smart when we're in crisis. Right? Well, I notice kind of on the wrong things. Yeah, I did not get as much of that kind of like let my hair down of the summer that was not like last summer we had a great summer we didn't intentionally we went places and we did things together and their activities and we did the best that we could but but this summer like we went to the lake for for five days like we were planning but I had just broken my finger and I did this open gaping flush wound like I looked it was wrapped up was the size of a banana. My like it was my middle finger on my right hand too. So I've always like slipping the bird at everybody but it was a giant splint on it and there's like enormous bandage it looks like a banana and I can't get it wet and it hurts a lot and we're camping in the dirt right with the water and stuff and I can't do any of that and that that wound up being the only thing that we had wound up having planned for the summer my kids camp I cancelled it all just kind of kicking around the house and you know Tom had one heck of a vacation but he kept getting injured and I just really wanted to work and everybody like wanted help with my kid was getting really bored and they were so excited when they got asked to babysit two days a week by somebody and they were even excited that they got to speak French like our summer wound up being like both like frenetic in terms of like the constant medical crises we were suffering so it also deeply boring because like my kid you know remember the one who hates school actually said like two weeks before school or like I think I need to go back to school because I need to be praised by adults who are not you Wow, wow, that's very bored and like even like you think if we stayed home we would have got like a bunch of our yard work and gardening done but I think I just like barbecued the first thing of the entire summer of last week because my fucking finger was broken right? Yeah, I can't like do yard work with I can't hold the cicadas like it was in my dominant hand to like I can't even trim my vine that grows six inches every week. I could not do like the weeding and the Greg I couldn't because I couldn't use my hand or anything right so like, the house is falling apart around us like Tom's got a broken toe so he couldn't do anything for a long time and I'd have broken hands so I couldn't do anything for a long time and we're stuck in the house because we don't have anything planned or we're just watching everything decay fall apart around us and I'm like typing with four fingers. Like it was just stupid. So it was like a very boring but stressful summer. Yeah, at the same time where even my kid was like I need to be praised by adults who are not you. I was like all right. So this week like we're back Tom's not back because he's off work for at least another three to five weeks now and oh my goodness. Yeah. But our kids started at a new school and I went back to school. And my kid and I come home every day, like looking like we've just, like, got back from Burning Man, you know, like we're so catastrophically overwhelmed and physically exhausted from like, being out of the house around people and in activities for that many hours a day is like, very strange. So we're, we're trying to accept that as well. And then, like, My poor husband is both very bored. But also he's like, my brain doesn't work, right. And that's true. Because like, he tries to help me with stinky tasks and can't write. So they read the same memo from school with him. And he's like, so it means this and I'm like, No, it doesn't. Like it does. I could read. I'm like, Yes, you can write but this is this. Like, even our kid is looking at him. Like,
are you okay, dad? Right.
But he's like, I do it myself. But I'm like, Oh, right. But that's incorrect. So he's, like, very bored, and also like in pain, and then we come home, and he's like, please talk to me. And then my kid and I are like, I want to go in a room and make it dark and not talk to anybody for four years. So now we have to practice a different kind of self acceptance. Ever. Like at least we won't get injured. Right? If we're just isolating in our room. Yeah. Like, how could I possibly hurt
my don't even don't even don't even say? Well, I
guess my weird mole came out of nowhere and got me Yeah, right. Exactly.
So Oh, I could still be scurvy. Like, let's be honest. And it's so good. So weird shape.
While many people my family tend to get skin cancer, like if you've anybody has seen what I look like that will be obvious to you that we are not a sun worshipping.
No. I'm at the weird mole stage to when my grandma yelled, yeah, yeah, I'm We're rolling. Well, it hasn't happened yet. But like my, I get all of my coloring and my hair and all that kind of stuff for my grandmother. And she had you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know. It's it's, it's, it's it's coming. It's happening.
So like, one of the upshots for us, Lee is that we are doing remarkably well, for people. I mean, like, just imagine who you were five years ago? Oh, I know, would would leave from five years ago. Be as functional as Lee right now is?
No, I don't think so. Probably not. Probably not.
I mean, you might be blowing through with your task orientation. But would you be able to find any kind of emotional equanimity, right? Probably not. Right. Because I think you've grown a lot. And so have I like, I think, yeah, good, like prior versions of myself. And I think like, oh, boy, I would not have been able to handle this. Right. Yeah. And so that even though I'm like pretty thoroughly miserable, a lot, like you would not believe that things. I'm I'm forgetting like, it's brain like a soup.
Oh, yeah. Oh, no, seriously, same. I'm just like, Okay. Like, yeah, you know, and, and again, it makes sense. You know, we're, you know, my son went back to school today, at least, because we got over the food poisoning. You know, he's, oh, no, I have PE bomb. You still haven't bought me my PE uniform that you have to get me? And I'm just like, yeah, all right. You know, like this. This is sure. So and I did it right away. And I was just like, but and he had this is the third time he's told me in prep to go back to school. But But again, it was it's in there is what is the other thing like? Like a lot of the things that it again, that's the routine things that always happen at the beginning of the year, just because of the total disruption of it just haven't happened. Because like, you know, the notes haven't come home, because there's been no and then I you know, the emails and have you signed me up for this yet? I'm like, what, why am I doing that? You know, no, no, I haven't signed you up for a yet like I, when when would I have time to do this? And then, you know, it's like, well, you're he took last week off of work. And I'm like,
I am so kind of things I'm forgetting. So I'm functioning at a very high level right now. And also not so my friends have been asking me what they can do to help, right? Because I'm like, I am managing a lot right now. And it's hard for me. Like I was saying to my friends, it's hard for me to make meals because I'm never hungry. Yeah, and I don't like cooking. But everybody's hungry. And Tom can't do anything. So I need help with that. So my sister has offered she's like, well, if you want we can batch cook together. So that way, it's a social activity. And we're just going to on Sundays make meals for the whole week. So you can have leftovers and so it's going to be something. I was like, Okay, great. Let's do that. And my friend Frankie was like, we could co work, right? So that that'll be dedicated periods of accountability when we're going to be together and we're both going to work so that you will not be like, Oh, I'm going to go to a house task now or I should go check. Like, right. And so my sister is teaching a course It has a D 12. site as well. And we both had to create our G 12 courses. And she's like, Well, why don't you come over on Friday? That's the day I'm working on that. And we can spend a couple of hours working on that. I'm like, okay, great. Good. Really good. I know, it's really good. And so I went, I went to her house, and I was like, all pleased with myself, because I was almost on time. I was only 10 minutes late. And I remember to bring the coffee and that was great. And I sat down, I was like, Ah, maybe this is gonna work out. And then my phone rang. And I looked at it, I was like, What is this number? Like? So I pick it up? I'm like, huh, wow. And it's like, Hi, this is Brendan from CJ lb, Winnipeg. And it's like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna be on the radio five minutes. I fucking forgot Lee 15 hours earlier. Right? I had answered a journalist email. But this radio station I talked to quite frequently in Winnipeg on the resident social media expert at Morrison University. And I was like, yeah, be great. I think if I was gonna go, and the phone rang, and he, like, had no fucking idea who it was, until he started talking. And like, he's like, we're just gonna have you on a couple minutes. Right after the weather break. I was like, shit. Now I'm frantically googling because also we're going on to prepare. Yeah, obviously. Immediately slipped my mind, right. And I thought, Oh, great. Like, that's what I'm doing, who forgets a live radio interview that they only confirmed 15 hours prior. Me. I also forgot to hand in the form of grading my master's student who completed a month ago. Right. So I got email about that as far as because it's done. But I never handed it in. And yeah, it's a crisis, right? Or I went, where did I go? I was on campus. And then someone came to my office because I had a meeting booked with me, and I forgot where I got an email from. No, I got a text from Tom. I was at work on the other day, and he texted and it was, it was three 330. And he was like, will you be able to drive our kid to their art class? At 430? Because I can't drive. And I was like, feeling very smug about it. Because I wrote him back. And I said, Well, yeah, I'm happy to drive them. But it's the fall now. So art class is back on Wednesday, and not on Tuesday. Right? I'm like, Look at me. I'm so smart. I'm handling everything. He wrote me back. He's like, Yeah, it's Wednesday today. Yeah. Right. It's like, yes, so clear. I was like, I'm going to be gentle correcting him here. I'm going to be the bigger person. And I'm gonna be like, it's okay, I got this, you've got the wrong game. He's like, actually don't. So I like I did that. And then like Wednesday night, I was like, playing piano for the first time and like, all week, because I just thought I have not had time because I'm using all these things. And I was like, Yay, I'm finally getting 20 minutes of piano. And it's like, 1030 at night. And I was like, Hey, I remember the cleaning the desert company tomorrow. And I was like, and I had a tantrum about it, because I completely forgot. And I was aware that I was having a tantrum, because people were coming to clean my house. But I thought that they were coming on Friday. I don't know why they never come on Friday. We had a service like many years ago that came on Friday. And somehow that's in my head. So now I'm like, mad because I was planning piano and now I don't get to play piano would have to clean the whole house because they also come at like eight in the morning. Yeah, right. So it had to get done. And I had a tantrum. And I did not want to I have a brain like a sieve, like the executive function is completely shot. So I am like trying to do all the things, but I forget them. Like, constantly, I forgot to leave the Percocets out for Tom when I went to work the other day. I'm like managing the Percocet. But also, he can't open the cap on it. Because you're too hands to open the cap. And sounds like I can't like the things I'm forgetting. And I'm feeling a lot of shame about that. But I'm trying now to build some systems like, I'm going to work with this person, I'm going to do my batch cooking, and I'm just trying to automate things and put reminders, because I'm like, I am trying to remember too many things. I have exceeded my capacity. So like, I have to be the grown up and I will do it if I can only remember what it is that I'm supposed to do. So boy, the challenges are multiplying.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, it's, it's, you know, it's, I'm, I'm dreading that, because right now, every everyone's home, nobody's going to doing anything. Right. And so and they're, you know, I took time off. And even though I'm back, it's, you know, and I'm supposed to be going to campus twice a week. Everybody's been very understanding and saying, Look, if you have to work remotely, we totally get it. But you know, that this is what I'm dreading is that, like, they're gonna start going back to school, they're gonna start doing their activities. This is what we want, then, you know, my daughter was like, I just want to go back to normal and I'm like, Oh, my God, so much so, but I also know what that means. In terms of like, making sure the schedule is all right, and making sure everybody is in there to read over Marie's good, my husband's gonna start traveling again. And you know, it's So I'm sort of bracing myself for that and that I think that that's the that's the other thing that that's really hard right now for me is the bracing right? Where you know everything is okay right now but it I'm in a situation where it's impossible to predict that this will continue. Yeah, right. Where you know it's it's it's really hard to be kind of present when it's you know there is a legitimate and not a like ADHD spiraling but a very legitimate worry right about like, is the case good now it is better or is it going to continue at this level or get better but it could there it is just as likely that it might get worse
again. That's right and third act plot twist to Yeah, right.
Yeah. And not and not in a and not in a like oh my god look, no, I have a mole of course I do. Or I know I need fungal cream because of course I do. In my case, just just enough so everybody, everyone who is following everyone in the house is falling apart. Even my husband, my husband came back from Europe gets he had to for these crises and came back with some sort of Amsterdam play because that's where it was in Amsterdam, and has been literally hacking up a lung since he got here. And so hasn't wanted to cook because usually he's the one I know. Yeah, that's his job. But he doesn't want to be hacking up along over food that he's preparing which cool I get that too. That's fair. But but also like and then so you know, so it and then there's all this and so I'm like mildly uncomfortable. Like I'm having all of these it's like almost like paper cuts. You know, everybody else is like catastrophic. I'm getting these paper cuts but the paper cuts are like turned up to 11 because right I'm trying to do everything and have this like low level this low reasonable level are again talking to the therapists are like well how's your anxiety level? And I'm like, I mean, I think normal for what the hell's going on right now. fortunate situation I don't think I'm blowing anything out of proportion right now like I feel like I feel the the appropriate level which is
not catastrophizing. This is a catastrophe. Yeah. This is
this difference. I know catastrophizing Yeah. My imagination cannot make this any worse. This is the imagined
the imagination. Yeah, like, yeah, it buried for this my whole life with worst case scenarios. And now they're all true. So now I'm not catastrophizing, but yeah, it doesn't matter if your anxiety is disproportion or proportionate. It's that you have it for Yeah, it makes it hard.
Yeah. So it's so it's been like so. And so we're working really hard to get back to normal. Right. But I know and normal will feel normal will be differently hard. Right? Does that make sense? Because it'll go back to normal. And there's all the lists of things in there forgetting things on top of that, that already will say low level of anxiety, the medium level of reasonably medium level of anxiety. That's, that's, that's coupled with it. So it's sort of like, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm not in the mode, like, I am sort of forgetting things, but nothing. Terrible.
That's not lightning move. No, but but that's
like, it happens so many times. Yeah, it's coming. Right. Like there's, there's the stuff that's coming in, it's because again, I'm supposed to be three weeks into a routine and I'm not three weeks into a routine. And so there's a certain expectation to that. It's like, well, you should already be in the routine. And it's like, no, there is no routine yet. Like it's it's there's no and so that's where I'm going to start, I think forgetting things, right? Whereas you're like, I feel a metaphor
coming on. Okay. And the metaphor is this, we got this hilarious handout when Tom left the hospital with a fistful of Percocet is right then it said do not make any decisions for the next several days. Right? Because you are high on pain meds, right. And also it hurts a lot. And also you had a nerve block and general anaesthetic right. Do not make big do not make major life changes right now, this is not the time for that. Right and, and so I think maybe that's where you are, too and where I am is, and also the when I hear you say things like get back to normal. I think if we hold that idea that like we just have to get through the crisis so that normal can start that every bit of way that the crisis expands or shifts is going to be disappointing. Right? Because we're, that brings us further away from normal and maybe we just need to right now be engaging in, in harm reduction, right? Which is like because my husband says to me like, like, what are some things that you can change, like so that we don't just don't have to do them right now? Right? Like, and not like, I think we can continue for another couple of weeks like this. As long as things get better after a couple of weeks. It's like, nope, let's change what we do change our routines and our expectations based on the situation that we're in right now. Not like how long can I bear this for? So here's the continuation of my Percocet metaphor. So my husband, and many ADHD people that listen to us will have this issue too, has very poor interoception, right, which is being able to identify the sensation in your own body. So like, if you want to, like, find my husband's kryptonite, ask them what kind of pain he is.
Guess this story last week, which is live for MTV live, and this is
this kind of situation because like, we were at the hospital, and when I finally found him in the post op area, he had just got some Percocet, and he was like, laced out and the nurse said, so how would you rate your pain level now? And he said, What do you mean? And she said, out of 10? And he's like, I guess, too, right? And so we get home. And then later that night, we're sitting at the table, and I'm like, I think it's time for another dose for you. What is your pain level? And he said, What do you mean? And I said, How much does it hurt? He said, Well, I can handle it. I was like, that's not the question. I asked you, right? What does it hurt? And he said, I don't know what you're asking me. I was like, Okay, remember, we're at the hospital and the nurse asked you what level of pain you're in you. You said Is it too? And he's like, Yeah, but I don't feel like that. Now. I'm like, right. Okay, so I'm asking you if that was a two, what is your pain level now? And he said, it hurts. I was like, Okay, listen, on a scale of one to 10. He's like, Well,
what violin cases that they have?
Any I know? Well, I actually my kids suggested, excuse me, and I did. We brought up the Hyperbole and a Half camo. And everyone should Google this that it's called. boyfriend doesn't have Ebola, probably because in there, she does a graphic of a better pain scale. And one of them is like, I'm actively being eaten by a bear. Right? Excuse me, I'm choking on my own laughter here, but so he like does not understand. Like I said, just because you can handle the pain, like Does that mean you're not gonna burst into tears? Like it? It doesn't mean it's the same amount of pain you were in before? Is it more pain? He like could not understand that question, right? And I was like, I can't ration their pain. I can't know if you're on the right dose. I can't know when you need other one. If you can't tell me it hurts more now than it did earlier. Right. So that's what we're working on. So like, I think sometimes we put ourselves in crisis in this situation. Like I can handle it. I don't need to change anything because I don't want to pull in extraordinary measures because maybe it's gonna get worse and I should save my extraordinary measures for them. But Percocet metaphor continues. Are you ready? This is a good one. You like what they say in your hospital handout too, is like Don't be a fucking hero. Right? Take your goddamn Percocets right. It's just take them every four hours. Don't be like you know, at four. It's not that bad. Like I'm going to wait to start over there like don't do that. Because if the pain comes back, you can't knock it back down. Right like you need to like blast it when you come out of surgery and then maintain a two You can't be like I'm at a two I don't think I should take another Percocet because once you get to five, you can take a Percocet but it's gonna go up to six or seven. Right? That's how it works is when the pain breaks through. It's really hard to push it back down again so when we do stuff like I'm just going to try to white knuckle it through until we get back to normal or if things get worse than this then I will put my I will take my purpose I'm not suggesting Lee that you take Percocet no
it is their their their metaphorical perfect their medical. I don't do well, I don't do well with those kinds of painkillers anyways, they like turn on my stomach and all that kind of stuff.
I don't It's not great. I used to get my mom nightmares. And that's kind of how I am to it's like no and so my sister loves them though. But that's another story. So the thing is like you're in a crisis right now and waiting for things to get back to normal might lead both of us actually to continue with types of behavior that are not sustainable. Right and then that's when we become anxious about I can't control when this stops right but if you're making the bet like it's almost like going out with that umbrella right? You're like it's only a 40% chance of rain so I'm gonna go without my umbrella but the clouds are getting darker and I'm super anxious in a way that I wouldn't be if I just had my umbrella umbrella yeah with me just brought my umbrella with right so what if we like work to like we're not normal. Right now things are catastrophe. Again, what if they're like things are a catastrophe and it's not reason to More for me to just white knuckle it. What if I decided to I'm going to cancel my HelloFresh because it makes too much garbage it takes too long to cook. I just want to batch cooking, not everyday cooking and percent of cancel the HelloFresh until further notice not be like, well, I'm going to try it. I don't want to change my thing. I'm just going to continue like this, it'll probably be okay. Like it. It's not just do what you need to do to make things easier right now. And then if things change later, then you can change now be like I am really holding note because if this rainstorm doesn't stop, I'm going to ruin my leather shoes. Right? I'm going to run out of Percocet because now it hurts too much. And I can't do anything about it. And now I'm very anxious and I have regrets. That hurts a lot. Like I have regrets. I have regrets about so many things.
regrets, regrets, no regrets. No regrets,
all of that stuff, all
that stuff. But and I think that like it is. And I guess it's an M maybe and you were talking about this to where it feels good. But it's also this unfamiliar feeling. Right? So like when people ask, how are you doing? And it's, it's not? It's like asking on a pain scale of one to 10. And you're just like, Well, I'm not dead. So I guess I'm all right. But what if all or nothing, but I'm also a kind of little below that but I don't you know, it's this weird because again, doing the things that I need to do to take care of myself were usually something like this, I would be like, much more of a mess. That's right. And so it's this kind of weird feeling about that where it's like, well, I'm not at total disasters.
Weird where I'm only 75% demolished.
But still, that's Yes. Like an extra 25% there that wasn't there before. Like, you know, it's sort of looking at it going like, what's that conference? Weird? I'm poking at the air. Like it's somewhat strange thing. Like I'm just sort of taking a step back from myself being like, you know, weird part of me. That's okay. All right. You're
like the meme. The cartoon meme with the butterfly reel. Like, is this a coping skill? Yeah, exactly. Is this a coping skill?
Is is this what is this what? Jarrow typically?
Like when you take your meds for the first time? You're like, oh, is this how people think every day? Yeah.
Yeah. So that's, that's how we make to do list and stick with
it playing on the hard setting the whole time.
Yeah, I've been playing on the hard, same old time and then. And then when I tuned myself down and take myself out of the hard setting life is just like, Ah, right. Maybe you're,
yeah, like, I've decided not to do this with my non dominant hand. I'm going to use my good hand and like, it's like, well, guess what?
I'm a broken finger.
At a weird mole, and a weird mole. Now. Yeah, we're normal.
So we're back. We're back. You're better than
this. Chaotically Miss directional line alized in our podcast episodes, as ever, let's try to summarize. Yeah, the upshot here is the summer of self acceptance, threw us some loops. It gave us ample opportunity to practice both acceptance of our own nature, but also acceptance that we cannot control the universe. Right. And the universe, sometimes very
rudely reminded us a very good ways that I could have gotten this is could have been a lesson learned with end let's tenuously. Yeah. And with less forward
down. Yeah, let's do let's force, right. And that the work that we've been doing, like through this podcast, and through our therapy, and through our just general growing up and becoming better versions of ourselves, on the little things has paid off for us and increased coping skills, insight and resilience for the hard things. But sometimes, we're still a little bit trying too hard to blast through things so that we can get back to normal it is okay. To ask for help, when you need it, and help allows you to maintain a little bit of energy for the next day, then that's good, right? So we're struggling, but look at us, we managed to make time to record a podcast episode today because that's an act of self care. Yes. Right. And sometimes the purpose of our lives is to serve as a terrible warning to others. And that's a service we provide for you. Your listeners you like but there's such a hot mess.
Yeah. Maybe we shouldn't have called it well. I'm gonna actually title this episode. We have regrets. regrets. regrets. So many. So many, so many. Say maybe that should have been the whole podcast like not all the things ADHD just we have
regrets. But like we're smiling, we're both smiling and we're chuckling ruefully. And it's not a self damaging or self erasing kind of chocolates. Like no, like I'm getting through this. Not not even saying like it's fine. It's Fine, I can deal with it. We're like, it's not fine. And I can't deal with it. But like, here's what I'm trying and it's gonna be okay. Here's what we're gonna do. Yeah. You know, it's not the way we want it to start September, which is like academic new year full of fresh beginnings and new pencils and shiny things and new students and courses. I haven't disappointed anybody yet. Right. So yeah, we wanted to start. But here we go. And we're still here.
Yes. You're still here. We're doing it. And we'll still be here next week. Although next week, well, we should we should record a super long one next week, because then I wouldn't be in Scotland. And we're going to Scotland we're keeping that trip on the books even though it's gonna be like, hey, school, my kids. School. I
know. We haven't been here. So get used to that.
Yeah. We're gone again. parent of the year right here. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Self Care,
healthcare. Oh, no. Like it was. We're, we're all very excited to go. So I think this will be good. This will be good. Except we arrive to keep things current and just keep talking. Because why not? It's been an hour and 15. We arrived, we're going to Scotland not England. Thank goodness. Because we are arriving on the day of the Queen's funeral.
I mean, it's not for sure that you killed her. Right. But the way your luck is going now just the thing like everybody now has to like wear black in the UK and nothing is open for 100 years. Like that would be like great. Yeah, this is
well, that's what I was saying. I'm like, when's the coronation? When is the funeral? Like, is it while we're there? It's like the day we arrived. Okay, great. But at least we're not trying to get into London. It's just like, we're going
to imagine. Can you even know
I was I was so I'm just like, I'd be like, trip is now canceled. We're not going because
add to the conclusion to this episode, we've managed to make the end of the longest reign of a British monarch into a story about personal travel and convenience. Yeah, because that's who we are. Because that's who we are. That's who we are. That's my best radio voice. Brilliant. That is a really good radio voice. I
really liked that. Well with that, we will say goodbye and we will say See you next week or wherever else you listen if you're binging we'll see in a few minutes. Yeah, we'll see you in like two more seconds when you press play on the next episode.
And thank you listeners for coming Yeah,
yes thank you should show
that is our podcast
they thank you for reaching out and say asking when it was going to come back and hoping it was going to come back and thank you for accepting my reasonable my trying to set reasonable expectations were sometime in the fall time sometime in the fall. We did it we did it earlier than I thought I was like it's gonna be October but we said podcast
outlasted Queen Elizabeth the Second too soon to be late.
I don't know.
Boundaries. I have.
Oh has done alright. Alright. So take care of everyone. Take care of yourselves. And we'll see you next time. Bye.