34. Getting your deepest needs met - fantasy vs. reality

8:58AM Nov 20, 2024

Speakers:

Michaela Soleil

Keywords:

needs met

fairy tale

reality

monogamous norms

romantic partner

core needs

responsibility

illusion

fragile ground

realistic expectations

availability

non-negotiables

dynamic needs

self-care

community support

Welcome to the sovereign heart podcast, where we get to talk about what it takes to live love and build relationships from the unlimited potential of your heart. My name is Michaela rose. I'm the polyamorous dating and relationship coach, artist, lover, communication, nerd, total water bender and heart centered weirdo, and I'm so honored to be alive at the same time as you how great is that the world is a changing place, and so are the ways we love and support one another, within and beyond the paradigms of monogamy, polyamory, nonviolent, communication, polarity, tantra, attachment, twin flames, dating, kink and more, there is one thread that weaves us all trust, a nutrient that is only created from a willingness to go first, the discernment to call a red flag red crystal clear communication and a little bit of faith in the unknown. I am so excited to be on this journey with you. Let's dive in. Hello, beautiful sovereign hearted beings. Welcome to another episode of the sovereign heart podcast. My name is Michaela, your host, your friend, your human with a sovereign heart, encouraging and inviting you deeper into your sovereign heart. And today, we are doing that by talking about getting your needs met. And oh, my goodness, do I want that for you. I want that for everyone. I want us all to feel that it is possible to get more of our needs met, to feel that our needs matter, to feel that it is possible to get those needs met, maybe in relationship, maybe with self, maybe within community, maybe in ways that you Never expected. So today we are talking about the fairy tale versus the reality of getting needs met. And why this is so important to talk about is because so much of the time what I see is people having a very narrow minded, narrow focus on how and with who or with whom that they can get their needs met. And so I could argue that this is because most of us grow up in a more mono, normative monogamous is the norm, kind of style of paradigm or culture that tells us we should be getting most, if not all, of our needs met from a romantic partner. Now, I think there is a I don't know, a romance to that, a you know mythology to that, like the finding the one you know, the the mythos behind that, like the the twin flame, the coming together and the spiritual union, or whatever it is. And yes, there's beauty in that. There is beauty and finding somebody that fits into your life, or finding somebody that really just feels like this other being that is part of you, part of your soul, somehow. Yes, there's a beauty to that, and even if you were to so this is, this is something important I want you to really hear, even if you were to find someone in this life that checks all of your boxes. That is just wow. It's just this feeling that you're like, Oh my gosh. I've been looking for this person like for lifetimes, right? Even if it's this, wow, they are showing up in every way that I need them to show up. I'm showing up in my best self. They're showing up in their best self. We are just meeting each other on every level. There is still going to be needs in even that. You know, fairy tale of a relationship that over time or in certain pockets of life or in certain context or certain situations are not going to be able to get met by that person. So even in the fairy tale, even in the dream of dreams of the kind of relationship that you might have been looking for or want or hope that your current relationships are or like singular relationship or relationships, right? Hoping that it becomes this thing that's so fruitful, there are still going to be pockets where that's not true, where there's not this full, okay, we're meeting and then we're filling all of each other's needs, all of the time. And so. So you can already see how maybe that's a little bit preposterous, right to think that every need that I have is somehow then going to be partly my partner's responsibility to fulfill that need. Because, in reality, it's my need. I have to take ownership of that. I have to take ownership that this is something that I need, that my inner system for XYZ reasons, because I'm human and because I have core needs, I need to get this need met. How do I do that? That is my responsibility to know that and to get curious about that. So you can already see how if it is my need and I'm taking ownership and taking responsibility of that, but then I'm looking towards this figurative dream partner, whatever it is to say, Yes, I have this need, and I will get it met here, and because you are my dream partner, and because you are the one, or because you are this epitome of relationship I've always been looking for, I will get it met here. This is where I'll go. And that may work, right? Like that may work for a long time, even that may work sometimes that may work during that, like puppy love, kind of phase of love that it really, truly feels like, Wow, all these needs are being met so deeply every single time. And so it can give this illusion that that's always going to be true, that it's always going to be this forever and ever. You know, you look right here, directly at this person, and then get that need met. But what tends to happen over time, and why I really want to get curious about shifting out of this mindset is, like I said, there's going to be moments where that's not true, and at the same time, we're never actually getting the need met from the other person, right? So it's a little bit of a shift as well towards if it is my need and if I'm taking ownership over it, and if I'm taking responsibility over that need, and then I'm reaching out and saying, Hey, so and so I have this need. Can you help me meet it? You know, can you I need to feel seen? Can you help me feel seen? I need to feel held, I need to feel safe. Can you help me feel safe and held and loved? And so in that way, I'm still the one taking responsibility for that need, because this is kind of the when you flip it back on yourself, when you flip it back to I'm the one that's meeting my need, and there happens to be this other person that's engaging with me, that's helping me create that process. When you see it in that way that it doesn't become this, pouring all the fixation, pulling all the attention, pouring all the focus on I must get my needs met with this person, because over time, that illusion is going to fade. Over time, or in certain circumstances, that illusion is going to reveal its cracks and its ugly head, and you're going to be in a position where you're going to reach out in the same way you have and those needs are no longer to get met there. And then we have this tendency, right? Because we're so attached to this fantasy. We're so attached to this the story, you know, of of it being so perfect and so wonderful all of the time, that we then either demonize like, see something wrong about the partner, see something wrong about the relationship. Maybe we feel guilty or ashamed that we're not able to get all our needs met in the partnership. Or like a sense of brokenness, an inherent sense of, oh, I'm broken. They're broken. Our relationship is broken because this need that was constantly getting met, or that did get met before, or maybe it was never getting met, right? And it's still not, and then it creates this internal dialog that's like, oh, there's an underlying sense of brokenness. Now, in my opinion, creating relationship on an underlying sense of or rather on such a fragile ground that if this illusion doesn't continue to feed itself, and the second that it doesn't, then you're in this very fragile state of everything is broken and it's not perfect. And like now, I should feel all these terrible things about myself and the relationship. And all this stuff. And I'm not saying you do this like on purpose, right? Like this is part of the conditioning that we're talking about, part of the getting out of this.

And so when you instead are looking at it again, towards taking ownership over that need. Yeah, and something that you've reached out about before, or maybe, you know, have, most of the time, gotten that need met. It's not, there's not an immediate Oh, there's something wrong with them, oh, there's something wrong with me, oh there's something wrong with their relationship. It's, oh, I'm not able to get this need met here right now. Interesting. Okay. Well, I wonder why that is. I wonder if there's something else going on, right? Then you get to get curious, and then you also get to go, Okay, well, maybe this is just not available here, right? A partner that could be super loving, super forgiving, super like on it with it always creating so much safety and love and care and compassion had a hard day, or lost somebody that they love, or was feeling impacted by something in their life that has made it really hard for them to even feel good about themselves or feel loving or kind or compassionate towards themselves. Maybe they're going through something, and that same love and care that you were reaching out for before is no longer there. Right when you know that that's your need and you could take responsibility over that, then you're not adding the extra burden on somebody that is already down, already having a hard time. They may usually be able to provide those needs, but right now they're not. And then you get to say, oh, okay, well, maybe I haven't been providing for providing for this need as much for me, maybe this is my opportunity to do that for myself and to teach myself how I can do that, or to potentially get that need met in other ways, right with other People, or other experiences, other communities, whatever it is. And so in that way, you know, the irony of it is that the more that you actually lean in to meeting your own needs, the more available you actually are to be a better partner, to show up in your whole full self, you know, self with a capital S, right? The the loving, compassionate, kind, calm, centered you, not the you know,

I have all these needs and I don't know what to do, and I'm like, you

know, the the younger parts or the more fearful parts of you that are like, I just can't figure it out, right? You're able to meet those needs and show up in your partnership, in this place of wholeness, in a place of fullness, in a place of overflow, right? So the partner that's maybe always there, always able to provide for certain needs of yours, right? And lots of needs, whatever, when they're not, you're able to resource, you're able to come back to yourself, you're able to meet those needs in other ways, and then you're able to then even be there for them during a time of need, during a time of challenge, something that may they not, you know, may not usually ask for, right, or may not usually need from you, but then you get the opportunity to also show up for them. So I'm using this example of partnership, because this is so commonly where this happens. But I also want to talk about, you know, the difference between realistic expectations versus unrealistic expectations in partnership. So and then we'll kind of zoom out a little bit so knowing, being able to discern and have the clarity of expectation, not expectation in like, oh, I expect something, but just a clear understanding of availability. I think that's a better word. What is this person actually available for right now, in the moment, but also in the context of their general life, and maybe just in the context of who they are, what are they actually available for, and what are they not, you know? And then as yourself, can you ask yourself the same questions, you know, what am I actually available for and what am I not? And that may change depending on the person. That might change, depending on your energy levels, that might change depending on what's going on in your life, or responsibilities that you have, or anything like that. And so when we really try our best while getting to know somebody, or even after having gotten to know somebody, and you've been with them a long time, to really take the time and get super curious in this phase of life, in this context of life that we're living right now, with all the nuances and all the things and all the stuff, what are we actually available for? Right again, is there something impacting life, right? Is there something impacting each each person in a relationship or relationships that is making it difficult to do things the way that it was before. You know, if there was an openness to sex five times a week, and then there's a loss of a loved one, and that person goes through a grieving process and they want sex none times a week, right? Like they want. Sex with with no one but themselves for a while, right? Or or not at all, right? You don't, you don't know how something is going to impact somebody. And so being able to constantly, not constantly, but, you know, regularly, have that kind of conversation of what's really going on in each person's lives, life, and how is that affecting their ability to show up for the things that they maybe have committed to showing up for, or that you're, you know, has been like a regular thing they've showed up for. And then, of course, there's the other side of this, of understanding, what are your like non negotiables, right? Like, what are your non negotiables when you are in relationship with somebody, you know, for me, it's a sense of safety, love and belonging, right? Those are kind of non negotiables, right? In any relationship, I need to feel that I'm able to get my needs met, for safety, for love and connection and for a sense of belonging, right? In some way, shape or form, I don't have to feel like I belong in every way, right? I don't have to feel like every single nuance and aspect of who I am belongs with this person. I can feel that as a whole. But for instance, I don't have to feel like because I'm a hula Hooper, which I am that then my partner has to be like into Flow Arts as much as I am, Flow Arts is like the whole realm of hula hooping and, you know, spinning ploy and fire fans and all that kind of stuff. And the idea that to be able to belong with my partner like he would have to have the same level of interest into that community that I do, for me to feel like I fully belong with him. That wouldn't really fully make sense. It takes away from me owning that this is a need, that I have to feel a sense of belonging with this kind of community. And it puts an unrealistic expectation on him to like what I like as much as I do, just for me to feel like I belong like it doesn't fully make sense. And it also, again, brings it to that hyper focus, brings it to that laser we have to do. We have to get everything met here, everything that we are, everything that I am, needs to be all right here with this one person. But when I can zoom out and go, Wait a second, there's plenty of places that I can get that need met. There's plenty of people that go to flow art jams and, you know, come together and want to, want to practice all this stuff, and they're naturally just as excited about it as I am. And maybe I go there and I get my need for belonging in that kind of space, in that kind of context, in a much deeper way than I would get that need met just being in my living room with my partner and being like, Let's do Flow Arts, it's like I would, I would feel so much more belonging in that kind of community space where everybody naturally loves that than I would with somebody that's like, Yeah, that's cool, right? Like that, that's, that's kind of cool, right? So in that way, it's shifting out of the expectation that your partner has to really meet you on every single level of who you are. Another example of this is, you know, I am a woman, and I love paying attention to my cycle. I love paying attention to my body. I love being in the feminine wilds, and I love connecting with other women about that. I love going to women's circles. I love connecting with women that have wounds and bleed and have lived experiences of being a woman, that have this essence of femininity, that want to talk about those things, that want to express, those things, that want to really dive into the ceremony and the ritual of what it means to be a woman as as a cyclical being, and people that want to do that, and I get so much for that from that, And if I was to turn to my partner, who's like a man's ma'am in a lot of ways, right, that can maybe understand that my experience as a woman is different than his, and I can understand that his experience as a man is different than mine, right? We were conditioned different ways. We have different sex organs. We have different, you know, lived experiences. We have different ways of expressing in the world. If I was to go to him and expect that, need to have that feminine camaraderie, right, that feminine like connection, that womanly, you know, the red thread of connection of other women. If I was to go to him and say, I want to get this need met with you, because you're my partner, and you should be my everything. You should be my all. So I want to, I want to feel this here.

It just it. It's like, yeah, I can feel

that I'm seen and loved and respected and worshiped of the Goddess. That I am with my partner, but it's different flavor. It's a different frequency. It's not the same level of connection and love and safety and understanding that I get if I was to say, go to a women's circle and share something and witness other women sharing as well. So when we zoom out from this hyper focused place, we get to get so curious about new solutions for getting our often very dynamic needs and desires met and fulfilled. We all have these needs, right? We all have needs for safety, for love, for belonging, but we also have the needs for connection, for a sense of security. We have needs for the sense of variety or uncertainty, right? Like a little bit of unknown in our lives, we have needs and desires for a sense of growth, right, a sense of of actualization, getting to become more of who we are in the world. We have needs of, you know, adventure, adventure and having, having just different, yeah, variety, I guess I already said that. And then we also have needs for, you know, being of service, for knowing that we are being in service to something, in some way. And if we look at it from that place, and we take ourselves out of this fairy tale a little bit and get a little bit more grounded and a little bit more curious about what getting needs met can actually look like, then we have so many more options. We have so many more possibilities, and life actually gets to be dynamic. Life, relationships, community, personal self expression and the places that you choose to put yourself in, the people that you choose to spend your time with, get to be so much more dynamic. They get to be so much more holistic to who you are. And this is actually part of the process of actualization right, of coming into the full liberated, sovereign nature of relationship, to be able to achieve that right, to be able to get to that place of feeling fully liberated, fully sovereign, fully yourself and also fully connected to another person that is also fully sovereign, fully themselves, fully actualizing in their own way, while the two of you are also coming together, looking towards a common vision, a common goal, and saying, let's do this together. Let's play with the alchemy of our human connection and express and go through the motions, or rather go through the waves, right of what that is, and leave our legacy in the world to be able to ever get to that place. It starts with this foundation. It starts with this place of understanding needs, not as you know, something that you're constantly, you know, reaching out to a partner and saying, Please, please, please, I have nowhere else to go. But it's something that you're feeling flowing from within a fountain, an endless fountain of possibility, to meet those needs with yourself, to meet them with a partner, to meet them with a friend, to meet them with community, to meet them with another partner. If you choose to have more than one partner or another lover or even a cuddle buddy or a dance partner or a business partner, that's not your romantic partner, right? There's so many different possibilities, and there's so many people out there that have the exact needs that you have that would be absolutely delighted to get to, to get to meet those needs with you, if you're super into physical touch and cuddling and just being able to touch people, and you don't feel like you're getting enough touch in your relationship. There are so many people that are doing contact dance, or even water contact dance, or, you know, cuddle sessions, you know, just, just cuddle, groups that come together just to cuddle for hours, just to get those needs met, and people that you could meet there that would be a, you know, cuddle partner, or a dance partner, or somebody that you have a different kind of alchemy with that is not the same as perhaps a relationship that you might get those needs for safety and love and belonging met in such a deep way, in the sense of growth and actualization and all that you might get that in one relationship and find a friend to get those those needs for physical connection and touch and all those things, or multiple friends, right, or community and the beauty. Of that is that you have so much more accessibility to what it is you actually really do need and what it is that you really can get met with any given person or in any given circumstance or community. You get to have so much clarity about what that actually is, so that you can lean into it, and you can lean into the strengths. You can lean into the natural, yeah, the natural places that are already easy with a partner or a friend or a community, to lean into the needs that you can get met there. To lean into the places and the pockets where it's already quite simple to do that, and then you get to, you know, press even a little bit deeper you get to, you know, peel back the layers a little bit more and say, Okay, well, this is naturally what feels good. How can it be even better? How can we bring even more attention and more awareness of how good this piece is? And how can we really just amplify that and let it be good, let it be so, so good, and from that place, focusing on your strengths, focusing on what's working. What tends to happen is that naturally, especially if you're looking to get your own needs met and taking responsibility for them in your own life, you tend to actually open up and find that it's easier to get more of your needs met with somebody that you maybe previously couldn't get those needs met with, for instance, using the women's circle piece, right? If I'm going to women's circles and I'm getting that need met of being fully seen as a woman from other women, then I feel more fully seen as a woman with myself, and I bring that home to my partner, and I express more in that essence of who I am, and in that way, I'm then seen more in that essence. And I know to ask more to be seen, and I can be even more specific about what that means to me and about how that feels, and allow that to be something that expands in a different relationship. So it's this really beautiful dynamic thing that when you meet the needs yourself, when you seek the places and get super curious about how those things can get met and where and with whom, and all of the nuances of that, then you have more capacity. You have more of a full tank to be able to express those dynamic parts of yourself without needing a certain person or every person, to get it as fully as you do, or to get it as fully as somebody else might. And so it's such a beautiful process, and I really encourage you to get curious about it, and to get curious about the beliefs that you have around getting needs met, around partnership, around you know, the fairy tale of relationship versus the reality that is So much more vast and so much more forgiving of, really, this garden of possibility that you can tap into, should you want to? Should you desire to and lean into all the various ways that you can get your needs met? So I hope that that encourages you to go do that and get curious, and maybe journal a little bit, and maybe just enjoy and lean into these pockets and these places of how your needs are already getting met, and get even more curious about how it could be just that much better. You might already have so many places that you're just not paying attention to because your focus is over here. When you focus and open up your focus, open up your gaze to take in the periphery, as well as you know the horizon and the fine details and all of that, you might see something that you missed, or you might see some new growth, right? You might see some tiny sprout of new possibility that you can water and you can follow and you can grow that into something really beautiful. So I'm wishing you the best. I hope that you have a great rest of your day and a wonderful week, and I will see you next time. Okay, bye. Bye.