This is episode seven of the Ask Dad Labs podcast recorded on April 15 2021. It's simple you ask questions and dad's answer. When we need to actual answers. We do find the experts. Today from Austin, Texas, we have clay. He has kids who are from high school up through adulthood. We have Nick from Louisville, Kentucky. He has two kids ages six and 13. And we have a special guest, Kyle, Kyle's from the same town. I am an island called Grosse Ile Michigan in the Detroit River. And he has one child who is just about a year and a half. We'll hear more about him soon. And I'm Ben, I'm in the Detroit River just south of Detroit, Michigan. My boys are 11 and 12. Let's get to the show. Hey, Nick, how's Louisville? How are the kids? Oh,
great. Kids Are All I'm not fighting with them this week for homework and everything. So that's been great. I am 100% huggable now. I've had both of my shots. And it's been 10 days to the second shot. So no worries for me on that front. So well. Good for you ready to go? Quite.
Hey, Nick, how you doing, man? I'm doing really good. All right. Glad to hear that. You know, I'm also two weeks post my second shot. So I am now fully in the land of the immune joining all of my in laws. My wife, my oldest son, who I saw video of this week, signaling helicopters while wearing a banana yellow suit aboard a Coast Guard cutter. And that was a pretty cool thing to witness. It was awesome for my oldest and he's doing just stellar. And my daughter's college is returning to sort of a less locked down status and, and as of this moment, she is actually going to get to play a field hockey game, her first in a very long time for her college on Saturday morning. So I'm very psyched about that. My youngest son had a little bit of a COVID setback. Although here in Texas, we've come back to normal a lot of ways and he's had a fantastic sports season. We're very much a sport family. Kyle, are you just going to be so bored hearing about my kids and sports it's like, it's like this ridiculous rare that I can't get off of. Anyway. So my youngest is a lacrosse player. He's a you know, good player and then loves the sport. And they've been so lucky to have a spring season. And they played they've played 11 games and they've had a lot of success. And they've made it to the championship game. You can't championship game is to be played tomorrow. And a kid on the team tested positive for COVID.
So they have to forfeit, are they going to reschedule it?
Well, in a in one of the most impressive shows of sportsmanship that I can even remember the opposing team, even though they could have collected a championship on a forfeit, agreed to reschedule Two weeks later may 1, which was such a class act that I did not expect we sports down here in Texas. I mean, this is a blitz blood, you know, I mean, it's it's so serious and for that school and for that athletic director to say hey guys, yeah, let's let's let's play this game. Let's Let's decided on the field a couple of weeks from now, was was a pretty huge thing. So that was good news for heads off. And I'm looking forward for two weeks they are going to forfeit some games, but they'll get to play that championship. So we're okay. We're okay. Yeah, so Kyle, how are you doing?
Doing? Okay, speaking of shots, I'm on my first I don't get my second until the 28th. So I'm still a little bit further away. But But grateful to be there. And I think we're going to be talking about teaching cultural diversity. I think I don't know if Ben's mentioned, but I was born and raised in Guatemala spent 18 years of my life there. My parents are still there. My sister's there. They actually came up, we had a vaccination event here on the island that Ben and I both live on. And they that was a chance for them to be able to get a vaccine, which the rest of the world truthfully doesn't really get a chance to have. An article I saw in Guatemala said it'll be four years before they're able to get some of this under control because of that. So they saw an opportunity to come up and get a shot and they did that Johnson and Johnson one and done. I know there's been some controversy around that since but they're very grateful for it don't have any side effects and I'm grateful to have my parents and within their mid 60s a little bit safer. And I will be the last one in my adult family to be more safe but but grateful to be there soon.
Oh, that's excellent. I'm in the same place and I got that one and done and my wife is in that target area, though. Of that That, what 18 to 48, or whatever 30 to 48, whatever the, the ranges for those blood clots, and with a fib and all that it's got us a little bit worried, but we're a week out from it now. And that means we're in the target range. So if she's got a headache, I'm driving her to the emergency room. Just note no stops. I'm just gonna drive right over the water if the bridge is backed up. So we're just gonna go for it
to kayak then I'll take her over to kayak if you need. There you go.
There you go. We'll we'll steal a jetski or something to write the boat, we'll figure it out. We'll get it figured out. And you know, it's the chances are one in a million. almost literally, I don't think we're that lucky. So we'll, we should be fine. But you know, talking about my wife, you know, it was weird because I took her out. We were her birthday was last week. And I took her out shopping for some birdfeeders. Right. Clay looking at me like that. So we have hummingbirds. We have lots of birds up here. Kyle knows. We have lots of birds. And my wife pulled me aside. And she said, You that clerk you're talking to she's got COVID I'm like, What do you mean? And she says she's flirting with you. She's got COVID like, I have no idea. What are you talking about? says she obviously has no taste. And I said she was flirting with me. Nice.
Well played, Deborah played.
I saw that one coming. I still wasn't ready for it still.
And you couldn't and you can look away.
Clay you're gonna need you're gonna have to listen to last week's episode. It was it was a great one. everybody laughed.
Yes, we had a good time.
I think all our listeners laughed anyway. So the Yeah, it was great. Well, and your daughter's gonna kill me. But that's that's beside the point. We're looking for. We're looking for a lacrosse game where we can drink beer. That happens near Kansas City. Keeping Keep your eyes out. All right.
Kyle sent me we were talking about coming on the podcast. And Kyle said he looked at you looked at a letter that he wrote to assign his Kyle. Your son is is now about one and a half. That's right. Yeah, one and a half. Yeah. And back two years ago, you wrote a letter to him? Yes,
that's right. Yeah, I wrote a I wrote a letter before he was born. I call it a letter to my unborn son. It's it's kind of long, I don't know how, how, how deep we should go into it. But yeah, I was grateful to have written it at the time we wrote it it kind of together, me and my wife. And yeah, it was just kind of a way to think about the future. I told myself, I'd write one to him every year. And I'll hear one and a half. I haven't written one for his one year old birthday. So I was actually thinking about that. Earlier this week. I was like, I just got to write something doing even if it's a little bit late. And and Ben wrote me earlier today and said you want to join and I was like, I was actually thinking about this earlier this week. So I don't know if you all have done anything like that, or Yeah, I think I read an article today about a father who actually every year kind of just speaks to his son for like, an hour or so like, as grown up son, you know? And yeah, just kind of thinking of those practices. And I think I think you both or all three of you have had children a little bit longer than I have. So I'd love to hear kind of what you all do. If you have any practices like that, or just thoughts like that, it would be helpful for me for me to hear. Well,
I know for me, I didn't ever think about that. I was I was horrible. We'll talk about that later. But, you know, I think we've all seen like the Google commercials where they set up the email account, and they would email that account every so often whenever we're thinking about the kid, and then turn over the email account to them. Well, you know, my, my older son turns 13. And since now that that qualifies him now for all the social media accounts and all that. This would be about the time that we turn that email account over to him and of course, there's none to be turned over. But And so yeah, I wish I had had been so. So I wish I'd had the foresight to do something like that. Clay, did you do anything? In preparation for your kids to grow up like that?
I mean, you know, I love counselor, I mean, it was just, you know, it's beautiful. And it's such an it's such a great idea. Because not not because necessarily your one year old is going to feel like your child's going to be 20 before that's valuable to them, but it when they're 20 it will be but the way that it's so valuable to couples is that you know, you have this conversation about the values and and what you believe and what you hope for your kid. And and you know, and it really I think is a great focusing conversation for parents and that's why I thought that letter was, was really a beautiful thing to do and will be valuable to your whole family. Every word that you write to your kid is invaluable and every kid every word Your kid writes to you, is invaluable in these digital days, we really don't appreciate how much we will treasure, those written correspondences. And I've had a couple of occasions, the school where my kids have gone has has asked me to write letters to the kids. And to kind of sum up what my hopes for them are, as they started entering into kind of the graduation process. And that is a fantastic exercise. And, and I highly recommend it, anything that and so really, at the end of the day, anything that is a tool that helps you to write your kids use that, and I think that when my son went into the into the military, I was no longer allowed to communicate with him when he was in boot camp for with electronic means. And so I had to start writing him. And and so I started shopping for for cards. And that's a practice that I've kept up with. So my as a matter of fact, today, I was in a I was in a store. And so I decided that it was talking I want to pick up a card for my daughter, I had to I had to pick up a couple of other things for her. You kind of have to know my daughter a little bit but so I've got some stocks here that are beautiful. They've got some pretty I don't know, they've got some flowers on them. I don't know if you can read but it says on here I never fart. She'll appreciate this is another pair of socks. You know, it's a it's a girl gazing at a sunset and it says just taking this shit in, you know, you just have to you have to know your kid and what they got her a little change purse that says new fancy bitch. She's about to go into exam time. And I want to send her some things just to think of. So these are the lovely gifts that I've been I've got her but also you got to get the card, right. And so I found this card that says you're the sweetest badass I ever met. And, and not only is the sentiment just awesome, like and true of how I feel about my daughter. But then you know, this afternoon, I'll you know, I've got to fill this out and made. And here's the thing, make that investment and do it every so often. And what you'll get back is someday when you're an old man, your daughter will write you a letter like this. It's a thank you letter. And this is this is probably one of my most treasured belongings. And it's just a thank you letter, handwritten thank you letter from my daughter that she wrote when she was about a senior. And I'm not going to read this to use a bunch of slobs, you haven't earned that yet. But I hope, I hope, Kyle, that some day, what will happen is you share that letter with your kid. And your kid is going to write a letter back to you about what that meant. And that's the whole thing.
That's beautiful. Thank you. That's amazing.
Well, I haven't done anything that for or from me or us. But I did a idea from the internet that was started, I don't know, quite 10 years now. And I got the book. Oh, the places you'll go. And I can't say this all too loud. Because my kid is upstairs. And he still doesn't know about this. Oh, the places you'll go. And starting from his preschool. I have had his teachers sign into it. They can sign anywhere they want long as they just put their name and what grade or what place he was with signing it. So I'll keep that going until he graduates high school. And then I'll give it to him in high school. So you have time to do that one still, Kyle. So cool. Wow, what a cool and then I've got a I've got a second book started for the girl. But she did kindergarten. She's her. It's actually still at her preschool right now. I haven't gone back to pick it up. But because I've always had them with me. But the challenge to that one is keeping track of that shit for
12 years. Well, yeah, that so my wife's doing the same thing, right? And and so we haven't been going for eight years. We moved in the middle of a year and and so I was given a book to take to the teachers and we had one of the pages signed with two books. One of them made it out. One of them got packed by the movers packed right at the end of the school year. And I happen to have one with me. But the other one got packed. And so we couldn't find it. And you know, it went into a box and we had no idea what box we went into. And it only had one it was for it was for the little one who was you know, huge. So it only had his kindergarten teacher in it. And so the next year Deborah bought another book And we started over again. And she's like, well, maybe I can find the teacher and get that taken care of. Well, but the thing is, is that that eventually we found that we found that book and so now the process of taking the exacto knife and cutting it out, and then taking the other page out of the other one and then slicing it back in there. And so I don't know if she's done that yet, but that's that's a PR rally she'll probably get out, you know, get out some some fancy equipment and spy the spy stuff there. It really is. It really is. We need to put some microfiche in there something but we'll get it figured out. But I'll tell you I don't know it. I just I never could. I was always impressed. You know, Clay, you guys talk to the was that the the fathers? Was that the the band of fathers or the
dad two guys?
Yeah. And so them coming together and making plans like that. And I just I I missed the boat on and I really regret that. But But Kyle, that is just awesome. And we're all there for you.
Yeah, I mean, we'll help you. Yeah, and get on that get on that first letter before, it's the second year. And fourth, the third year before it's more you got to get started as that book for the boy 13 years ago, I got two pages of it done. And nothing more has ever happened with it. I'm not even sure where it is at this point for those two pages. Guys, I'm going to bug out here I'll look and listen. But I'm gonna log out here I've got some other things take care of so you guys have fun. Great to meet you. I'll see you again sometime. Good to meet you too.
So the other thing I was I was thinking about with with Kyle was you know, you're you're heading into the when you're in the tail end of your your second year here. And I was thinking about my first I feel like I failed my first five years of fatherhood. I'll just tell you that straight up. And, and honestly, it was DadLabs helped me through tremendously back in the day. But I just I was not ready trying to think of all the things that helped me survive that, that those early years of fatherhood. And the number one crutch I had was was DadLabs To be honest, we had a social group that built up around that and, and getting to see clay and Brad and Troy and Owen, just screw around. And do their things really, really helped me out. So how are your first you know, how's it gone? Has it been everything you expected it to be so far?
You know? Well,
it's hard to say again, going back to that letter, like when I wrote it, I had no idea what the world is gonna bring. So you can do a pandemic since then. I think part of why didn't write after his first year was the world just felt so uncertain. It still does, I think, maybe a little more certain now that even six months ago, yeah, it's just been such a crazy uncertain time. So of course, you have ideas in your head of what things will be like, I mean, just simple things. Like I had an idea of him being in daycare or something like that, hoping, hoping to socialize a little bit more. And we haven't you know, and that's okay. You know, I know life throws punches and stuff. And you all can, can tell me some of some of that. But I will say one of the most amazing things over the last this last year just been the light he's brought to all of us through this time, you know, I again, as you both know, like I, I am from Guatemala, I feel very connected there and haven't been able to visit for over a year now. So that's really been tough for me. And yeah, just having him to wake up to every day see something new, he's learning. It's been a huge kind of, kind of hope for me through all this in the future. But I don't know how I would have done it with older kids. This is like, incredible to think about that. And but yeah, just simple small things that I again, I know, I'm sure you all went through. But even simple things like sleep has been hard, you know, like, we finally feel like we got it and then he kind of goes off it and, and you're not sleeping again. And that makes things hard again, but so yeah, I'm learning and, and I'm just trying to roll with the punches.
Everyone's having trouble getting sleep, you know, at the right times, everybody's off their schedules. They're not not getting up at the regular time to make their commute. You know, you're waking right up in time to get on a conference call at 730 or eight o'clock, or in clays case, sometimes 10 o'clock at night.
Well, you know, sometimes you got to talk to Singapore. But you know, it's just amazing is in this time, everybody's everybody's had some sacrifice. Everybody's had some everybody's have loss. Everybody's got grief, everybody's given something up. But then, you know, in weird ways, it's given us some stuff. And, you know, you tell me maybe it's not true. And I want to make a terrible analogy right now, because I'm good at that. Which is that we got a puppy last February and I know Ben you're it's coming right but literally Three weeks before the pandemic started, we got a puppy. And in some ways, this is both the best and worst time the best and worst year possible to get a puppy. Because you had all that time. And you know, it was this constant sort of source of amusement and brightness. And kind of, you know, let's just sit around and laugh, just the damn dog because there may not be anything else that we can be positive about. You know, on the other hand, that's one spoiled damn dog, that that dog is the most spoiled animal, it's ruined. I and now I've got to live with it with like, for 14 normal years. I hope that doesn't happen. Day. And I'm sorry to draw an analogy between my Corgi and your precious child. That is that is that's a parallelism that I fundamentally object to that is not affirm baby,
but he's gonna do it anyway.
Anyway, but but I am going to do it. right ahead. And so there's got to be something about this crazy lockdown world, like what a time to have a baby at home, when, you know, you really don't have to make excuses about making the time to be anyway. So I'm sure that there have been sacrifices and pains in your life, but also, in a weird way. How awesome.
Yeah, and so your parents haven't gotten to meet him until just now.
My mom was thankfully able to meet him once. Well, a few times, actually. But But yeah, she was able to get up once my dad Yeah, hadn't seen him for we baptized him in Guatemala. And when he was, let me see, couldn't have been six months. Less than that. And then yeah, he'd missed him for a year. So he just saw for a few days right now. So yeah, having obviously we do video calls and stuff like that, but it's not the same. No. Yeah. And clay, it's not a bad analogy. Yeah, we have a dog. He's He's three years old. Now. I'm grateful I was able to have you know, we had him as a puppy. When we I was able to work from home, I don't know how I would have been able to do it otherwise. But it's not it's not a bad thing. It really is important to, or it's something like special to be be around during all that not just me, my wife.
What was it? Like? You know, what I remember, that was so hard about having the little ones at home this this first two years was the is the incredible amount of like, physical work that is, and your your sleep schedule is destroyed. And you still have you know, we were a two career couple. And all the work expectations are are there. So what gives, it's like to in the morning, if murder doesn't happen, like that is a great night, you know? Did you guys still experience that during COVID was like, Oh, well, now we've got less, you know, we've got more flexibility. And we can trade off? Did it make it any easier? Or? Or do you still have some of those nights where like, it's three o'clock in the morning, the babies screaming and some there's three of us. And we're just really hoping there's going to be three of us by 6am?
Well, I say it's me, my wife, and we live with our arm to who's who's who's older, she's able to give us you know, one or two hours every day where she takes care of the valley. And that is friggin a lifesaver. I'll tell you and I'm also I mean, my wife is basically I mean, part time isn't the right way to do it. She's a therapist, so she does three or four sessions a day. So you know, that's three or four hours. And then of course, she's got to do the paperwork beyond that, you know, but, but so yeah, we switch off, I'm working from nine to five. She does, like from three to seven. And and yeah, my covers in from three to five ish, you know? And so, you know, it's Yeah, I'm not gonna say it's easy, but we're grateful to be able to do it and be safe. I mean, just to be very specific about a challenge we had very recently. So, you know, we gone through the year, most of us sleeping in the bed with us. That's how we went through it. Even though I know you're not supposed to do that. And finally, we got him in his crib. We thought we were good. And we were getting full night's sleep. And then suddenly, he you know, he starts waking up and he realizes, hey, if I hit my head against the side of the crib, I can get my parents to come in, you know. And so we're trying to kind of like, let him like, you know, they say cry it out, let him deal with so the doctor told us and over time, he's like, hitting his head. Sorry, he's freaking making a bruise in the middle of his head, you know, so. So I start going in like, and just being with him. That's how I've been for the last I want to say a couple months now. But even on top of that, top of hitting his head, he's also realized he's learned how to make himself throw up, you know, so, and if he throws up he's able to make us come in and clean them up and give him all the attention he needs, you know, but yeah, those are the nights it's like, Oh, we got to clean up a thrown out for hitting his head or, and yeah, you wake up and and you're you're not even They do work very well the next day. And I mean, there's all these other things I know you all No need to do.
That maybe the reason that you haven't written that second letter.
Put them in the second letter. But But yeah, I mean, like, it's springtime, we got to be mulching the garden beds and weeding, and it's like, when do we find time for this stuff? You know?
I'm telling you.
And always is what eighth generation on the property that Kyle's neither?
Yes. Yeah, yes. We've been
here for a while. And his family bought the property bought the entire island. July 6 1776.
Yeah, I don't know if that's the right word. But there was an exchange. Yes. And, and some kind of agreement between my ancestors in the pottawatomie. And, and we've kind of found a way to stay connected to this piece of land ever since. And it's Yeah, it's
so it's a farm that's been in, in a family for generations for Yeah,
that is, that's part of the beauty of it is, you know, like he loves being outside even in the cold. I mean, now it's getting warmer, but
except today.
Yeah. Well, even today, he went, he went outside, we went out for a walk today, even in this kind of cold weather. And yeah, we haven't been able to travel or see grandparents but to know that he's able to walk and be around as you know, Ben a beautiful place out play, I hope you've been here or able to be here soon as right along the Detroit River and, and has his beauty to it, you know, and and so for him to even one year old, walking around and talking, pointing things out and playing them out. It's, it is beautiful in that way. So you know, those those moments make make all the all the tough things worth it? Of course, not. Thanks for bringing that up.
Yeah, it sounds like it's gonna be great, it's gonna be absolutely great.
Go back to your Guatemalan roots there. You know, one of the things that's that's hard to do when in well, especially in a community like ours in particular, it's it's rather homogeneous in in not not necessarily the best way. And it's really easy for us to get sort of trapped in our enclaves. We talk about kids going going overseas for exchange programs and, and different ways to get to kids, kids to experience what life is like, in through other through other eyes, walking around in other shoes. And you had that unique experience of growing up in Guam? Well, all the kids in Guatemala grew up in Guatemala. But But you went from Guatemala, and then and then eventually came back up to the states and into this place where your family has those deep roots. How do you expect to give give your son the same? The same sort of perspective? Do you think?
That's a good question? I mean, I, to be very honest, I've kind of given up already, even at one and a half years, it's like I you know, he's got a different life than I did when I was going, I was growing up in Guatemala, and even just had access to even the language of Spanish in a way that he doesn't, I'm the only one that speaks Spanish in my household. My uncle's, he said, he lives across from us, but he doesn't get much access to that. So I'm already kind of resigned, if I can say that to the fact that, you know, he's not going to learn Spanish as well, as I did growing up, you know, and that's okay. You know, I one thing I did learn, Spanish was always a very, I don't know what experience you have with this sort of thing. But it was actually caused a lot of anxiety. And the the only way I was able to prove I had spent time in Guatemala growing up was through my Spanish show, it caused me a lot of anxiety, when I wasn't able to speak it as well as I felt I should. I'd even like fake being sick during Spanish class growing up or something like that, to kind of avoid it. And I realized over time, that one of the ways you learn Spanish or expose yourself to other cultures, even if I can expand it that way, it's just getting over the embarrassment of it and being willing to put yourself out there. And so if that's something I can teach him, I will be grateful for that. And of course, as things open up, I want to expose him to more there are Guatemalan communities near me, that I want him to have access to and, and I know it's going to be a struggle. It was a struggle for me with my parents. My dad was always like, why are you speaking Spanish more, but that's the experience very well, even though he's from Michigan, he grew up most of his time in Latin America speaks it better than I do. And for me, it's just not letting them feel embarrassed. It's putting himself out there and and acknowledging that, that it's not going to be perfect. I had this idea growing up that worldly or whatever, traveling a lot is something that's really good. And it is good traveling, helps you learn things and being rooted in a community and and feeling the depth of being connected to a community is probably one of the most important things I can teach him. So I don't know if you'll have that I have family that's grown up here. And I know kids that grew up here where you and I live in and they get so sick of it, they want to leave you know, so I don't know if you'll feel that connection to here. But if he doesn't, I'll try to expose him to it and, and just see what happens. You know, support them. Whatever choices you make. You know, we I don't know it's hard to it's hard to think about what kind of pressure you put on your kids and I'm sure he'll feel pressure but the best i can do is i hope support him and Teach him to be a good person. I mean, he's learning little things, like, he loves sharks, and just all those little things that a lot of little kids do identifying different things. And I'm like, those, those are great things. And he's being amazing. But I'm always thinking in my mind, like, how do I keep teaching him to be a good person? Even little things like saying thank you and stuff like that we're trying to teach him he's doing pretty good at but but that's, that's my goal, whatever, whatever exposure he's, he's connected to, you know, yeah,
I don't know, Austin, sort of a blend, you know, when, when I was growing up, at least everybody assumed that everybody in Texas was going to speak Spanish and English. And, and it was just a fusion culture back, you know, to Central central Ohio, Central Texas, San Antonio Austin was was like the global melting pot of Mexico in the United States. I get the I get the feeling. It's not quite that way.
It's not quite that way. And Austin is a place that has pretty good intentions. And it's a place that is has aspirations to be multicultural. It's still Texas, and we still have huge issues. I have to say that to my kids, enormous embarrassment, I am super proud of my shitty Spanish. And in my world, in Spanish, everything happens in the present tense. And in my world in Spanish, you know, everything is in the now. But that doesn't stop me at all. from practicing my special even today, I had this amazing experience where I was, I had to call it Uber. It's a long story. I won't get into that. But I had to call an Uber. And I was extremely frustrated, because I could see on the, on the map, that my Uber was like two blocks away. And it was taking this person like 20 minutes to like, get to me, it was like what is going on. So I sent a text, I sent another text, there was nothing I said, cancel the ride, if you can't come get me. And I saw the car move, you know, you're looking at the screen, and they're like, move like two blocks over and it stopped again. I was like, Okay, I'm going to call this driver, I call the driver, it goes to voicemail. And, and I'm just about to completely lose my patience, when the car begins to move. And you know, after 20 minutes of steering, the car that's two blocks away, that pulls up. And the door opens and like I finally I get in the car. And the first thing the driver says is Li spaniel. And I was like, Oh, well, as a matter of fact.
I do. So what ends up you know, flowing is that, you know, this conversation is the my Uber driver was Cuban. She's recently come to United States. And she was in a situation where an elderly lady had figured out how to use Uber. But she put in the wrong kind of address. And so trying between this Cuban immigrant that had no English and his elderly lady, like, I wish I mean, I wish and I don't wish that I'd been in that Uber, just to hear what the communication was, was there try they're struggling. And as always doesn't know how to use her phone. And this Cuban lady that can speak English, and they're trying to work it out. Anyway. So all that trauma happens. She picks it up, and I'm trying to, you know, myself, and my Spanish is such that, even though it's all in the present tense, my accent is really good. And immediately people assume that I'm just completely fluent. And so I'm getting about 20% of what she's telling me. And it's a lot and it's rich and full of emotion. And she's telling me things that I think I got most of it, but the one thing and I came home and I explained I told the story to my son, you know, we've traveled to Spanish speaking countries a few times. And they've seen it again and again. And again. When I speak Spanish, even my shitty Spanish then bear says the hell out of them. The respect that shows to the, to the culture, and to your cab driver, and to the person that works at the hotel, and to the person that works in the restaurant. All my all my relatives make fun of me for like, those little things that guacamole like, that's what they say to me, like when they see you know, margaritas, you know, they mock me for my, my bad Spanish, but I like Hey, I know, it's laughable in the moment. But do you see the fact like when you look at the people that are serving, like how happy it makes them that you're trying and that it's it's a it's a it's a show of respect, and it gets you better service, and you're more engaged in the culture if you try. You know, this is a super powerful lesson to to young people, because it's fun, it's funny and there and there. They get to make fun of me for trying, everybody else is totally silent, right? All of them take Spanish. And I'm trying to use mice in the cab to you know, and they also know that I'm understanding about 10%. You know, it's very funny, kind of, but it goes back to the most important idea. When we talk about teaching these kind of cultural things, you got to show it, right? You got to model it in, if trying to speak Spanish to Spanish speakers, as a mode of respecting you tell your children, I'm doing this out of respect for them. And I'm going to try and they're going to be very happy, and they're going to correct me they're going to, they're going to help and my Spanish will get better. So this is why you do it. I know, my kids are so embarrassed, they won't even fucking speak a word of it. Even though I've spent so much tuition money to teach them. None of them will say a word in Spanish. Anyway, I've I've gone on but you I mean, you would agree, like part of part of it is what you model. And, and and I think that's one way, one way that you can do it. That's real.
I mean, it's, I don't know, it's, I mean, I'm sure adults feel this too. But it's like this fear of failure of being embarrassed, you know, that you have probably as a teenager more than anything else. And it's just, I just can't say it enough, you got to put yourself out there, like you say, Clay, I've seen so many kids in the states that have learned or studied Spanish and they lose it because you're not willing to try and so it's just so important to put yourself out there and try and, and yeah, and be willing to be embarrassed, you know, even in this time where anyone can pick up the phone and, and mock you or whatever put shot social media, it's like, I just gotta hope that, you know, if we're all all in there and embarrassing ourselves that it won't be that big a deal, you know,
huh? Yeah, it's the same. It's, you know, it's kind of the same way across modeling, all cultural crossing cultural barriers, right. And if you bring people into your home, going to other people's homes, taking your kids with you, you may be worried you're gonna mess up, my wife's best friend is African American, her family and our family are together a lot. And there are times where I'm like, Oh, God, I think I'm doing I'm not sure I'm doing this right. I may be saying something that's not right or wrong. But you, you have to trust it, you got to be present, you've got to take that risk, and model it for your kids. And that's the way and the other. The other thing is, I mean, I don't know why. I don't know why this notion of privilege is like, so hard for so many people to swallow. But I also feel like it's something that we kind of have to talk about a little bit is like, the background and why we got to do certain things and, and why we feel safe, when other people don't feel safe, and how powerful that is. And, you know, when we talk about what we've accomplished, or having accomplished or done or haven't done, and just acknowledging that there's a whole kind of network and universe of history that's behind that. I mean, it's gonna be interesting for you, as someone, kind of someone who's been in a place for that many generations. It's like, that's beautiful. It's an incredible story. And it's also something that you gotta appreciate, like, Guys, you know, this is, and I love the way that you even, you even started to introduce that in how you talked about how your family came into possession of the island. Like, guys, there's some nuance here that we have to understand. But that's, that's how do you how do you anticipate talking about that, with your kid,
even this idea of cultural diversity, I'll say, like, growing up in Guatemala, I was able to go to an international school. So I was able to be around people from all over the world and all different backgrounds. You know, in my small class of like, 26, I had both an Israeli and Palestinian, I had African American folks and Afro Latino folks, you know, and growing up in that, you tell yourself all this is the way it should be, you know, and this is, this is how we all should be. And, and it wasn't till afterwards, you know, after I graduated and left and came up here that I realized, that's not what most people are, they're not exposed to that even was in the Boston area for a long time. 10 years, and that's one of the most segregated places in the country. And neighborhoods are just very, very segregated. You know, of course, Ben, you and I live in a very segregated place. Well, Guatemala is very diverse, like the same is true, like to be able to access different cultures is a privilege in itself. And so it's it's hard to even try to I don't know, I've just tried to be conscious of like, well, Ben, you and I are in Brazil, and like this is a certain place that that people are and be in the way that they be like having people just even appreciate that and this is where we are not putting yourself above it and saying, Hey, I know more than people here. Know cuz I've been around, like, that's not necessarily true that, you know, it's privileged to have access to a whole bunch of different things, you know. And so, again, I have no idea how to pass any of this on, I just gotta hope that my children will, will have will make up their own minds. You know, I think we all go through something, at least I went through something where you think you know, better than everyone else, and that, that, if everyone just kind of changed everything, everything will be okay. And then you start realizing, hey, a lot of folks have had the same struggles that I've had, and we all got to make the same mistakes. And maybe if I learned from others in the past, I'd be in a better person. So, you know, I think we all go through that. But a lot of the things I've learned have been over, I've been here for, let's say, seven, eight years now. And in the Michigan area. I've learned a lot of things in those seven years, and I've made a point to learn them, I think, I realized the power of stories of family stories of community stories. And so I've tried to really dig in and learn I still have a lot to learn, you know, but yeah, stuff I've learned about Alexander McCollum, I didn't know my ancestors were slaveholders until after I moved here. And so I've just tried to learn about those things, be honest about those things, and try to try to work against them, you know, or not against them, but just recognize the privileges and the things that that those gave my family at the same time that like, hey, it can't just be about privilege, like, it's also about liberation, you know, and I really do believe that, as long as he's inequality still exists in our world, none of us really are free. You know, again, Ben, you've been here for a little bit, but I haven't been around long. I haven't been around that long. But I do know, some of my cousin's grew up here. And they didn't, they had tough life to like, they got access to drugs and early pregnancies. And I've got to believe that that's part of of trying to segregate yourself from everything, you know, and being disconnected from things. So I've got to believe that if we learn to connect better, and and and we'll all kind of find a way towards a kind of freedom, you know, but yeah, it's it's a tough thing. I'm still learning I'm trying to find ways to work against and talk about these things. We I wrote that thing about my my ancestor, Alexander McCollum, he was a general, it's a long story. But the short version is, you know, he, he's a war hero war of 1812. A war not many people know about, because it was a war that the US didn't do very well, in most of the words you hear about in our history, and the people, we're proud of the ones we win in the war of 1812, we were very lucky to come out and come out with a stalemate, you know, so we're Ben and I live would be Canada, if the war of 1812 hadn't happened, and if my ancestor hadn't won that battle, and while that story is being told, no one's talking about the Native Americans, the original inhabitants of this place, the first nations that, that have suffered through a genocide, you know, and, and, and, you know, they're still still still here today, and still working and, and still folks that we've got to pay attention to and work to connect with and learn from and acknowledges the original inhabitants of this land, and hopefully, in doing so can can try to work towards a better, better, better future.
But yeah,
I'm learning these things to myself, and I have no idea how to pass this stuff on to a kid.
The thing is, the thing is, it's not like, it's not like a lesson you make up like your kids, the thing that you have to appreciate is your kids are listening, right. And these are just the conversations that are happening in your life at your kitchen table. These are your values, as long as you guys are coming together and talking about these kinds of things. It's not like something you have to teach. Like, I think that one of the things that with three kids that have gone through this, and you ultimately are really manifesting a lot of in a way that makes me incredibly proud. You know, social values and, and personal values that I'm just really proud of. I didn't there wasn't like this session, you know, there wasn't like a lesson. It wasn't like, it was just like hours and hours of conversation around the table and listening to what my wife and I were talking about, or what our friends were talking about what we're talking about, you know, the kind of conversations that you're going to have Kyle, I can tell the kind of conversations that you're having now. This is this is this isn't gonna be secret from your kids, you're talking about it. You're talking about with your friends with your wife in the dinner table in the house. This is the conversation in the house, and that's they're listening. They're listening so carefully, even when they pretend like they're not, and even when they're teenagers. And they're kind of cool. They're, they're pretending like they're listening so carefully.
And, and that's great, too.
Yeah. Just know that your life Your life is their curriculum. And, you know, it sounds to me like you're thinking about some pretty interesting deep stuff that's gonna, they're, they're, they're hearing that
it's awesome. Yeah. Well, Clay you need to make sure that your daughter does not hear me talking about about field hockey.
That's for sure. Okay. She will come
she will come after Me.
Yeah. And you don't want her after, you
know, Nick was talking about, you know, there's girls beating people with sticks, and I think he met me. So, yep, it's a it's it's quite a thing. Well, thank you guys, even you, Nick. I know you can hear us even if you're going to ignore us. But thanks for spending spending the evening with me and talking over all this stuff.
And
I appreciate you guys. extra special thanks this week to Kyle Debbie say our special guest. Kyle answered my call when when I found out that Nick was going to have to have his tension taken away during our regular schedule recording. And Kyle brought with him some great topics that that we can talk about, and I think everyone was enriched by it. Of course, always thanks to Nick Dawson and Clay Nichols and their families for letting them spend this time with us every week. And big thanks to you, our listeners for staying with us on this as bad Labs is produced and edited by me Ben fote and fote Media productions LLC. Like follow subscribe and share across the entire social media landscape. Wherever you find that lads. Talk to you next time.
