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Everyday Zen #1 | Otter.ai

Everyday Zen #1

John Pulleyn41min

John Pulleyn

00:06

This is the fifth day of this October, November, 20, 24/7 day. Seshin, and today I'm going to turn to Charlotte, johco Beck reading from the book everyday Zen love and work. Everyday Zen love and work, which is transcriptions, edited transcriptions, I'm sure, of talks that she gave at the Zen Center in San Diego. Teacher there for many years. I

John Pulleyn

00:46

not sure when she passed away, but it was some years ago I

John Pulleyn

01:00

I'm reading from a talk that's entitled running in place, and she says, I talk to many people, and I'm saddened again And again that we don't see what our life is and what our practice is. We are confused about the basic core of practice, and we get sidetracked with all sorts of incorrect notions about it. The degree to which we're sidetracked or confused is the degree to which we suffer, let's say they have some correspondence anyway.

John Pulleyn

01:55

Practice can be stated very simply, it is moving from a life of hurting myself and others to a life of not hurting myself and others that seems so simple, except when we substitute for real practice some idea that we should be different or better than we are, or that our lives should be different from the way they are. When we substitute our ideas about what should be such notions as I shouldn't be angry or confused or unwilling for our life as it truly is, then we're off base and our practice is barren. So this is hard to hard to get. I think we all fall into working with how we think we should be, how we should look, how we should feel, how we should feel. I should feel a different way. It's ridiculous.

John Pulleyn

03:02

My dog should feel a different way.

John Pulleyn

03:09

One that happens, it's right, she's right. We're off base in our practice becomes barren, where we're working with the wrong thing. We're we're we're trying to fix something, trying to be a certain way. Practice is doubt about discovering how we are we really are, and that can be messy. You.

John Pulleyn

03:48

Uh. She says, suppose we realize. We want to realize how a marathon runner feels if we run two blocks or two miles or five miles, we will know something about running those distances, but we won't yet know anything about running a marathon, sort of like somebody who hasn't been to a seven day seshin Before doesn't really know what it's like. Can imagine it

John Pulleyn

04:17

again. We can recite theories about marathons. We can describe tables about the physiology of marathon runners. We can pile up endless information about marathon running, but that doesn't mean we know what it is. We can only know we are the one doing it. We only know our lives when we experience them directly, instead of dreaming about how they might be if we did this or had that this, we can call running in place, being present as we are right here and right now. You. It

John Pulleyn

05:10

so hard not to think about how we might become much freer we might be I maybe we'll graduate from Zen practice with honors.

John Pulleyn

05:32

Joh says the first stage in practice is to recognize that we're not running in place. We're always thinking about how our lives might be or how they once were. What is there in our life right now that we don't want to run in place with? And she answers, whatever is repetitive or dull or painful or miserable, we don't want to run in place with that. No indeed, the first stage in practice is to realize that we are rarely present. We're not experiencing life. We're thinking about it, conceptualizing it, having opinions about it. It's frightening to run in place. A major component of practice is to realize how this fear and unwillingness dominates us.

John Pulleyn

06:27

We're afraid to think I'm a bad student,

John Pulleyn

06:40

that sort of desperate scramble.

John Pulleyn

06:56

What it would would be if we let go our concern with how we're doing, we just entered directly into our life, which means just being present, Just being here, taking it in,

John Pulleyn

07:20

during the wind rumble of a plane in the Distance.

John Pulleyn

07:40

Johco says, if we practice with patience and persistence, we enter the second stage. We slowly begin to be conscious of the ego barriers of our life, the thoughts, the emotions, the evasions, the manipulations, can now be observed and objectified more easily. This objectification is painful and revealing. But if we continue the clouds obscuring, obscuring, the scenery become thinner. In order to recognize the barriers, our ego barriers, we have to be willing to see them so much of conventional work on oneself devolves into just turning away from whatever doesn't seem good, whatever seems like a failure, ever seems inadequate. Need to see it. It's okay, seeing it is already progress. Yeah, we're selfish. I always like to point out the fact that when someone shows me a group photo and I'm in it, my eyes go right to me. Why is that? Because I'm foolish, because I'm self centered, totally unnecessary. Seen myself in pictures a million times. It's really nothing I can do about it. I

John Pulleyn

09:27

so the second stage is seeing our evasions and manipulations. And then the third stage, what is the crucial, crucial healing third stage, it is the direct experience, experiencing of whatever the scenery of our life is at any moment, as we run in place. Is it simple? Yes. Is it easy? No.

John Pulleyn

09:57

Could say our life flows. We just flow with it. One thing follows another, and we're present. We're there for it. Such an opportunity to do this during seshin, walking down a hallway, going into lunch, putting food on your plate so simple,

John Pulleyn

10:37

we experience the scenery of our life and our chatter, all the thoughts buzzing in our head begin to die down.

John Pulleyn

10:52

Step out of the monolog.

John Pulleyn

11:00

She says, I remember the Saturday morning when we delayed the morning sitting schedule for 20 minutes so that some of us could go a few blocks for the great opportunity of watching the San Diego marathon leaders race by and 905 along they came. I was amazed by the flowing quality of the leaders movement. Even though he was in the final five miles, he was simply gliding along. It was not hard to appreciate his running. But where is it that we have to run and practice? We must practice with ourselves as we are right now, to see a top level runner is inspiring, but thinking that we should be like that now is not useful. We have to run where we are. We have to learn here and now from how we are here and now. We never grow by dreaming about a future wonderful state or by remembering past feats. We grow by being where we are and experiencing our life as it is right now. We must experience our anger, our sorrow, our failure, our apprehension. They can all be our teachers. They can all be our teachers when we do not separate ourselves from them, when we escape from what is given, we cannot learn, we cannot grow.

John Pulleyn

12:38

Beginning of practice is not immediately trying to escape sticking around for a moment feel that painful twinge

John Pulleyn

12:58

being okay to let it be, maybe even being Curious, feeling it in the body.

John Pulleyn

13:21

Take it in, don't run away, don't deflect.

John Pulleyn

13:35

We never grow by dreaming about a future wonderful state or by remembering past feats. We grow by being where we are and experiencing what our life is right now we must experience our anger, our sorrow, our failure, our apprehension. They can all be our teachers when we don't separate ourselves from them, when we escape what is given. We cannot learn, we cannot grow. That's not hard to understand, just hard to do. Those who persist however will be those who will grow in understanding and compassion. How long is such practice required? And she answers, forever. I

John Pulleyn

14:29

this is the place of practice, wherever we are. So simple, I it, and it can become joyful, because it's something that we can do. We can be present. Maybe it won't last for too long, but we can come back. Keep coming back. I don't have to be stuck in a goal oriented beat myself up because I'm a failure, kind of mind state, or a goal oriented puff myself up because I'm great kind of non state. It's just, it's just nonsense, immediate and direct. When we do that, change begins to happen. We're actually doing real practice. You

John Pulleyn

15:55

The next section is called aspiration and expectation, and she says aspiration is a basic element of our practice, we could say that the whole practice of Zen comes out of our aspiration. Without it, nothing would happen. At the same time we hear that we should practice without any expectation, sounds contradictory, because we quite often confuse aspiration and expectation,

John Pulleyn

16:27

confusing our direction with a goal with an end line. Aspiration is moving in a good direction. You

John Pulleyn

16:45

It's endless, boundless, all beings without number. I vow to liberate. Liberate. It's an aspiration. May I move in that direction?

John Pulleyn

17:09

Joh says aspiration in the context of practice is nothing but our own true nature, seeking to realize and express itself intrinsically. We are all Buddhas, but our Buddha nature is covered up. Aspiration is the key to practice, because without it, our Buddha nature is like a beautiful car unless someone gets in the driver's seat and turns on the ignition, it's useless when we begin to practice. Our aspiration may be very small, but as we continue in the practice, aspiration grows after six months of practice, one's aspiration is different from what it was when just beginning. And after 10 years, it will be different than after six months. It is always changing its outward form, yet essentially it is always the same. As long as we live, it will continue to grow.

John Pulleyn

18:10

One sure clue as to whether we're being motivated by aspiration or expectation is that aspiration is always satisfying. It may not be pleasant, but it is always satisfying. It's satisfying because we're going in a good direction.

John Pulleyn

18:35

Satisfying because we're being who we are, satisfying because we're not pretending, seeing if we can pass.

John Pulleyn

18:52

Johco says expectation, on the other hand, is always unsatisfying because it comes from our little minds, our egos, starting way back in childhood, we live our lives looking for satisfaction outside ourselves. We look for some way to conceal the basic fear that something is missing from our lives. We go from one thing to another trying to fill up the hole we think is there you

John Pulleyn

19:27

I've told the story of Bertrand Russell standing by himself at a party, and the hostess came up to him and said, Lord Russell, I hope you are enjoying yourself. And he said, that is all I am enjoying.

John Pulleyn

19:56

There are many ways by which we try to try to hide from our dissent of. Faction. One way, for instance, is by struggling to achieve something. Now, achievement in itself is a natural thing, and it's important that we learn to run our lives well, but as long as we look outside ourselves for some reward in the future, we're bound to be disappointed in our expectations. So uh, life takes care of that very well as a way of disappointing us efficiently and regularly. Think of all the things we've been besotted with only I had that. How happy I would be if only I didn't have to do that, how happy I would be. Sometimes we get what we want and then it fades. It's the futility of chasing after some state in the future. Whether you get it or not, you've lost the present, rich and complete world we're living in like one in water, crying, I thirst.

John Pulleyn

21:20

She says, generally, we look at life in terms of two questions, will I get something out of this, or will this hurt me? We may seem serene, but under that surface serenity, these two questions bubble and boil. It is amazing how many people present very well and yet, beneath the surface, they're struggling. They're flailing. Everybody thinks everyone else has it figured out. They're just trying to blend in. I

John Pulleyn

22:03

uh, so painful to put your effort into pleasing other people, into presenting the right image.

John Pulleyn

22:18

The physicist Richard Feynman said. Feynman said, What do you care? What other people think? Really, you

John Pulleyn

22:44

under the surface of serenity, these two questions bubble and boil we come to a spiritual practice like Zen, trying to find the peace and satisfaction that is so far eluded us. And what do we do? We take the same habits that we lived with all our lives and put our practice into that same framework. Of course, we do. We set up one goal after another, continuing this life long habit of running after something. I wonder how many koans I can pass this seshin. Or I've been sitting longer than she, but she seems to be progressing more quickly. Or my zazen was so wonderful yesterday, if only I could get it back again.

John Pulleyn

23:31

I remember in my early practice how my heart would sink when I heard about somebody being passed on their koan,

John Pulleyn

23:52

yeah, such an advance When we begin to feel joy at the good fortune of others. Buddhism, the word is mudita, one of the heavenly abodes. It's

John Pulleyn

24:16

not a competition. I

John Pulleyn

24:25

we're all in this together,

John Pulleyn

24:33

all making the same mistakes, all going in the same direction, and

John Pulleyn

24:46

she says, in one way or another, our approach to practice is based on the same struggle to achieve something, to be recognized by our peers, to be important in the Zen world, to find a safe hole to hide in. We're doing the same thing we've always done. We're expecting something, in this case, Zen practice, to give us satisfaction and safety. Dogan Zen ji said to look for the Buddha Dharma outside of yourself is like putting a devil on top of yourself. And Master Rinzai said, place no head above your own that is to look outside of ourselves for true peace and satisfaction is hopeless. It's

John Pulleyn

25:32

important that we continue, that we continually examine ourselves and see where it is that we're looking and what it is we're looking for. Looking for accomplishment. We looking for a future state? Are we looking here right now?

John Pulleyn

25:59

Just this?

John Pulleyn

26:06

What are you looking for outside of yourself? What is it that you think is going to do it? Position, relationships, passing koans, over and over again, the Zen masters say to place no head above your own and add nothing extra to your life. Each moment as it is, is complete and full in itself. Seeing this, no matter what arises in each moment, we can let it be right now. What is your moment? Happiness, anxiety, pleasure, discouragement, up and down we go, but each moment is exactly what each moment is, our practice, our aspiration is to be that moment and let it be what it is. If you are afraid, just be fear and right there you are fearless. You

John Pulleyn

27:14

There was in ancient times a rabbi, Rabbi Zuzia of Hanh Paul, who used to say, if they asked me in the next world, why were you not Moses, I will know the answer. But if they ask me, why were you not Zuzia, I will have nothing to say. You.

John Pulleyn

27:43

And Joh says there's a story of three people who are watching a monk standing on top of a hill after they watch him for a while. One of the three says he must be a shepherd looking for a sheep he's lost. The second person says, No, he's not looking around. I think he must be waiting for a friend. And the third person says he's probably a monk. I bet he's meditating. They begin arguing over what this monk is doing, and eventually, to settle the squabble, they climb up the hill and approach him. Are you looking for a sheep? No, I don't have any sheep to look for. Oh, then you must be waiting for a friend? No, I'm not waiting for anyone. Well, then you must be meditating. Well, no, I'm just standing here, not doing anything at all.

John Pulleyn

28:36

It's very difficult for us to conceive of someone just standing and doing nothing, because we are always frantically trying to get somewhere to do something. It's impossible to move outside of this moment. Nevertheless, we habitually try to we bring the same attitude to Zen practice. I know Buddha nature must be out there somewhere. If I look hard enough and sit hard enough, I'll find it eventually. But seeing Buddha nature, seeing our own nature, requires that we drop all that and be completely in each moment, so that whatever activity we're engaged in, whether we're looking for a lost sheep or waiting for a friend or meditating, we are standing right here, right now, doing nothing at all. Of

John Pulleyn

29:37

course, society is built on having us chase after goals, chase after feelings.

John Pulleyn

29:51

Society is very uncomfortable with someone who isn't doing that and.

John Pulleyn

30:02

You've heard the story of the guy sitting in a Starbucks with no phone or laptop, drinking a coffee like a psychopath.

John Pulleyn

30:20

It's kind of fun to sit in a doctor's office and not do anything. Just wait for the doctor, wait for the nurse to call you, stand in line just like Lord Russell, enjoying yourself. I It's the world is wide open. The great way is right in front of us,

John Pulleyn

30:57

just being present when you're on the mat, you're just on the mat. Don't have to think about when the round is going to end.

John Pulleyn

31:16

Tangen Roshi says, throw yourself into the house of Buddha, the house of Buddha is your life.

John Pulleyn

31:39

She goes on. If we try to make ourselves calm and wise and wonderfully enlightened through Zen practice, we're not going to understand each moment just as it is, is the sudden manifestation of absolute truth. And if we practice with the aspiration just to be the present moment, the aspiration just to be the present moment, which we are, our lives will gradually transform and grow wonderfully. Various times. Will have sudden insights. But what's most important is just to practice moment by moment by moment with deep aspiration and

John Pulleyn

32:26

when we are willing just to be here exactly as we are, life is always okay. Feeling good is okay. Feeling bad is okay. If things go well, it's okay. If things go badly, it's okay. The emotional upsets we experience are problems because we don't want things to be the way they are. We all have expectations, but as practice develops, those expectations gradually shrivel up, and like a withered leaf, just blow away.

John Pulleyn

33:06

Might add a warning here. Don't turn this into another thing that you should be doing. I should feel that everything's okay.

John Pulleyn

33:21

Have to laugh at ourselves really. Keep coming back right now. It's like this, so promising. She says, more and more we are left with what is right here right now. That may seem frightening, because our expecting mind wants life to turn out a certain way. We want to feel good, we don't want to be confused. We don't want to get upset. Each of us has our own list, but when you're tired after work, that's the tired Buddha when your legs hurt during Zazen. That's the hurting Buddha when you're disappointed with some aspect of yourself, that's the disappointed Buddha. That's it. When we have aspiration, we look at things in a completely different way than we do when we have expectation. We have the courage to stay in this moment, since, in fact, this moment is all we ever have. The mind wanders off into expectations. Having inspiration means gently returning it to the present moment. The mind will wander off all the time, and what it does, simply return to the moment without worrying or getting excited. Samadhi centeredness and wholeness will develop naturally and inevitably from this kind of practice and aspiration itself will go grow deeper. And clearer so

John Pulleyn

35:33

all of US are imperfect with failings and

John Pulleyn

35:54

We're all work in progress. We're

John Pulleyn

36:03

I can't even know where that progress will take us. If we did know, it would be flat. The other thing about aspiration is just wide open. So it's why, as Joh go says, it's always satisfying

John Pulleyn

36:35

when you work out of aspiration, turning back to the practice is joyful when you work with expectation. Turning back to the practice comes with a twinge of frustration and regret. I've gone astray once again, just just a small change in attitude and the whole atmosphere changes.

John Pulleyn

37:15

You realize we have a base from which to practice. That base is exactly how things are right now, how we are right now. There's not a problem. We know what to do. The more we go on this path, the more we begin to trust it. The

John Pulleyn

37:46

uh, not trying to accomplish anything, not trying to fix anything, just trying to show up, show up completely, trying to throw ourselves into the house of Buddha. But we're not beating ourselves up thinking, Well, I'm not really throwing myself in very well. I'm sure Tangen Roshi really throws himself into the house of Buddha. That's just, I can say stupid stuff for quite a while.

John Pulleyn

38:22

It's yeah, it's just so wide open. Then we begin to find moments of joy. Can't bottle them up and keep them either. It's the other big problem you you really do let go of your expectations, and you do throw yourself into practice, and all of a sudden you're in a state maybe you haven't been in before, stronger than before, or whatever, and now you want to go there again. It's just it just life will teach you that you can't do that you can't repeat. There is no recipe.

John Pulleyn

39:12

That's why they use the term surrender. What you're surrendering is your expectations, your agenda, you

John Pulleyn

39:23

I still work incredibly hard, just relentlessly coming back whatever our method is,

John Pulleyn

39:41

bottomless patience being okay with doing it wrong.

John Pulleyn

39:57

Patience, time, space.

John Pulleyn

40:09

Is interest. It's fascinating. What happens when we're really present,

John Pulleyn

40:22

who wouldn't want that? Well, the ego wouldn't want that. I

John Pulleyn

40:47

sesshin gets into the later stages, we have more ability to find ourselves directly engaged. Take advantage of this opportunity. If you if you are in the habit of doing late night sitting, try doing a bit more. Just do what feels right. Find your way you stay centered in this moment.

John Pulleyn

41:40

Our time is up. We'll stop here and recite the four vows we're.

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