Hello and welcome back to the While We're Waiting - Hope After Child Loss Podcast. I'm Jill Sullivan, your host and one of the cofounders of the While We're Waiting ministry. Today I'll be sharing the second half of my conversation with Caleb's mom, Chrisy Slate, as we discuss grief after the loss of a child to suicide. If you missed last week's episode, you'll want to be sure and listen to hear Caleb's story to discover what a remarkable young man he was. For now, we'll pick up right where we left off last week.
So how do you feel like your grief in this third year compares to the first year in the second year? Can you talk about that a little?
Yeah, I believe that I am better at managing the grief, I never have once said that it has gotten easier. It hasn't. I say that I've gotten better at managing it, the big waves come less often. But when they do come, I can manage them, the stings come and go. And I don't ignore them, you know, I feel them that like, that hurts, you know, like something happened recently, I found a piece of piece of paper in the garage. And it was just laying there, it was in a stack of papers my husband was going through and I looked at it. And I had to look twice and it had Caleb's signature on it. And so I picked it up. And it was his pass to get on the army base to go to work because he had lost his wallet. And it took me back to that experience with him where he had lost his wallet and lost his ID and we had to, you know, apply for new ideas and do all that stuff. And you couldn't even go to work because he works on an army base. And you have to have an ID card to do that. Anyway, it was his visitor's pass to get on post and he had signed it in July of 2019. And just seeing his signature, it took my breath away. And I stared at that paper for probably five minutes. My daughter was like, what is that? I just couldn't find the words to say. And, and that stung. So those things still come even almost three years later, those things don't pop up. And but I've learned, you know how to manage those things and not let them hijack me is what I say. Because in the early days and weeks and months, of course, it was very easy to be hijacked by grief. But now I have learned ways to do this. I am better at managing it. So and I didn't think I would ever be able to say that. In the early days, I never thought that it would be easier to manage.
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's how you can tell that you're kind of moving forward is when you reach that point where you're able to manage it a little bit more. So that's good. So let's talk a little bit about the things people say ... you know, people often feel awkward around anyone that's lost a child because they don't know what to say. And I would imagine that's even more true when a child dies by suicide. You know, there are people that listen to this podcast that haven't lost a child themselves, but they love someone who has. So what is some advice that you might give to someone who's wondering what they could say or do to help someone who has experienced the loss of a child to suicide?
Ah, yes, there is many things. To name a couple, I would say don't try to help them understand or make sense of it. Because they don't, they don't need you to help them make sense of it. Anything you say is just going to make them aggravated. And I would say to send encouraging cards in the mail, or send text messages. Don't ever say it's gonna get easier because it doesn't, I kind of just mentioned that a little bit. Of course, you can say encouraging things. Like don't say things about it getting better or things that are getting easier or that their child is healed or in a better place or you know, like never say that. Right. So I would also say don't say anything about God's plan. Yeah, that and of course everybody might have their own opinion on that. But for me having my child you know, die in the blink of an eye but I see was tired. Talking to me about that being part of God's plan was not helpful to me. Sure. So we can talk about God and we can, we can talk about heaven. But don't Don't tell me that it was God's plan. I also had someone say to me, God needed Caleb in heaven. And I know God doesn't need for anything. You're right. Or anything. So no.
That's not accurate. Right, right. Exactly.
Yes, working through those things that people say. Now, I would say it also, you know, the person who is being spoken to that the bereaved parent depends on their personality, how they take things that people say, Sure. I let things go pretty easily. I would say let them roll off my back, I guess you could say pretty easily. There's just been a few things that people have said that I really did not like.
Holidays, Heaven days, birthdays, those kinds of things are always really tough for bereaved parents. So have you found any special ways to celebrate Caleb's life on those hard days?
Yes. His first birthday was in June of 2020. And he would have been 18. So we decided to have a pool party since he was a lifeguard. We rented out our city pool, and invited 50 people to come. And we actually had more than 50 people who wanted to come. But that was the limit. And of course, it was COVID at that time, so I'm surprised we even got away with 50. But we had a great party. All his friends came, my all my family was here. Lots of family friends came, we had Marvel decorated cupcakes, we had Skittles, and Oreos, and Dr. Pepper and swimming. And it was fun. It really was fun. And I even found myself looking for Caleb at one point. Because his presence was so strong there. And I'm really glad that we had that party. And I intended to do that every year, I was like, Oh, this is a great idea. We'll just have a pool party every year. Well, I got really disappointed when his next birthday came around in 2021, when he would have been 19. And I knew I absolutely could not do the whole party. And I was mad at myself. I was like, but that was the plan. You had made a plan like you were gonna do this every year. And I just I didn't have it in me. I just didn't, was not in a place to where I felt like I could handle the part the whole party again. So we didn't. We encouraged everyone to do an act of kindness in honor of Caleb, and then tell us about it on social media. So I enjoyed getting those messages and those pictures and seeing what everybody was doing to honor him for his birthday. And we did the same thing for him. We did several acts of kindness that year. And we did still have a little gathering at home with some of his close friends and some people and that was nice to have them at the house. And we we did have Tennessee decorated cupcakes. And so that was nice. Yeah. And then this year, this past year, this past June, he would have been 20. And so that was a really powerful. That's a big one. Because yeah, I didn't get to see him into his 20s. And so it was it was a really hard day for me. My husband and I went to the cemetery and we released balloons just we wrote a message on the balloons. Just yeah. And then we had a little gathering in our house again, all his friends came in, I just love his friends are absolutely amazing and loving and caring and they have taken Caleb's little sisters to made them their own. And so we have a lot of fun when they come around. And I love having them in my house because I mean to hear a boy noise, and I need to hear boy laughter and boy jokes and smelly, stinky boys, you know, boy smells?
Yeah, I still need that. My heart needs those things and they can't come anymore, but they can come from his friends and so I really enjoy spending time with them and having them at the house. So that's how we've done his birthdays. Heaven days are really hard. So I'll just quickly say The first year we had like a little invitation only memorial service and where I got to show a video because I was not present minded at his funeral. And anyway, yeah, I couldn't speak, I did not prepare anything. So for the one year I did, I prepared a video and I showed that and had a few people get up and speak, like, share a fun story about him and stuff. And so that's what we did on the one year. And then last year, on his heaven day, it was pretty bad. It's during the beginning of school. So I took the day off, but my husband won't. He's an instructor. So he wanted to go to school to see his new class. And my girls, they wanted to go to school, they didn't want to be home. So, you know, I allow everybody to make their own choice for that day, what they feel they need to do. So they all went and I was home. And I as soon as I got out of the bed, I went straight to the cemetery, and I laid there for a while. And then I came home and I got into his dirty clothes, and I got into his pillows, and his blankets, and I just got lost in grief, which is okay, and I allowed myself to do that. But the only thing that was hard was, it was really hard to rebound from that day. Because I can so I had to go to work the next day. And it took me a couple of weeks to kind of lay down, really letting myself fully immerse into my grief. And it's coming up here in 10 days, and I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I think I have some family coming into town to visit us. Be here with us for that day. Everyone else will go to school, and I'll be home. But thankfully, it is on a Friday. So I'll have Saturday and Sunday to kind of recover. I'm not sure what we're gonna do, but likely probably just the am and I'll do whatever I feel like I need to do for the day.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I think what you've said too, is you kind of figure it out year by year. And what worked one year but may not work the next year. And that's okay.
Yes. I really wanted one year to work the next year. Right? really disappointing to me that it didn't work. Year after year. So yes, it is definitely different every year.
And that's okay. So you started a blog called a journey for Caleb, shortly after Caleb went to heaven. And I really encourage our listeners to check it out. And I'm gonna put a link in the show notes to make it easier for people to find. But God has given you a real gift of being able to draw lessons from simple things in life like nature, for example. And as I was preparing for this interview, I read your most recent post titled From Nothing Into Something. Would you mind just sharing one of those lessons that God has taught you from your garden?
Sure. I'm so excited about my garden! We had a big hedges there. And I was just like, No, I want these gone. So we had those pulled out and we had it tilled up and everything and I was like, I'm gonna plant wildflower seeds over here. And so I ordered wildflower seeds, I ordered a ton of them. And so we we planted them in all that dirt, and we got all you know, prepared and settled, whatever. And I just I had no expectations ... I really not a gardener by any means. But gardening it helps me and flowers help me ... they make me smile. So I was really excited to see what was going to come of it. So me not being a gardener not really knowing what I'm doing when I started to see the seeds sprouting. I was like, Oh my gosh, it's working. Like oh my goodness, like I was so excited. And I just could not wait to see what they were gonna look like. And so as the flowers grew and we really didn't get a lot of rain in the summer where I live, well we are getting it now but it didn't come for about six weeks. So I had to go out there and water and when they started to bloom, God was speaking to me through the nature and it was just this tiny little seed was planted. And look what came out of it. This is beautiful. This is so I just I love it. And so he was telling me look what I'm doing with you and how you're growing and When you felt like nothing, I knew you were something. And so you know, that tiny little seed I say is my faith. And I still had that faith that just like my dirt, you know, a garden doesn't begin with seeds, all that you can see is dirt. My dirt was nothing until I put a seed in it. And and so yeah, it just nothing into something is me ... I felt I was nothing but that's not the case. I was something and I'm trying to use that to tell my story. And while the garden is beautiful to look at it is also full of dirt and weeds. Which, you know, I relate to my pain and suffering. And the weeds are really kind of endless right now. Like I went out there and pulled some the other day and I had a whole bucket full and no time. And so you know, we have to kind of look at that and make sure that the weeds are not taking over us and how to manage those the pain and suffering in our life. But the flowers still grow and I can grow too ... and I have.
I love that. I just I love that whole analogy. So you and Joe have started an amazing nonprofit ministry in memory of Caleb and I would love for you to share all about it with our listeners.
Sure, I would love to. I'm just gonna go ahead and read from my website a description of our organization. The Caleb cares project is a registered 501 C 3 charitable organization that serves as an outreach in the Clarksville, Montgomery County, Tennessee area. Caleb not only lived, went to school, and worked in our community, but he gave his heart in time and community service and showed love to people every day. This nonprofit strives to honor Caleb and carry on his legacy by using our hands to show love, give back, and serve our community in his memory. Caleb died suddenly and tragically when he took his own life on August 12 2019. Devastatingly Caleb did not leave behind an explanation or reason for that choice. But he did leave behind a legacy of love for us to continue. We were not ready for our earthly life to end with Caleb so this project helps us keep his name spoken and his love alive. While the Caleb Cares Project is an outreach organization, we also strive to bring awareness to young people and their families that suicide does not discriminate, and strongly encourage open and honest conversations at home about what to do when difficult circumstances arise and life turns dark. Our mission is to show love and help meet the needs of under resourced children, youth and families in our community. We see people for the children of God they are and will show that we love them just as he does. The motivation behind all we do is our love for Jesus and our compassion for people. We strive to enhance the quality of life for those in need in our community. And our vision is to give love and serve genuinely and authentically to show people that we believe they are a big deal around here and through us Caleb's hands will still give, his heart will still show love, and his story will save lives.
Yeah, I love that phrase of showing people that you are a big deal around here. Where does that phrase come from?
So that was actually my husband's idea to use that phrase kind of as our slogan. Because it was something Caleb said, often, kind of jokingly, you know, I'm a big deal around here. So when my husband, you know, we're talking about the mission and the vision and everything he's like, You are a big deal around here. Like that's our that's our catchphrase. And so it goes on the back of all of our T shirts. And it's a you know, hashtag I use on social media and things like that. So yes. Caleb is still a big deal around here. Yeah. And we are trying to, you know, show others that they are too.
There are several things that your organization does. And I know one of them is a swim school, something to do with swimming. What is that all about?
Yeah, so Caleb was a lifeguard for our city. And they contacted me. They wanted to have a meeting about starting a swim league in Caleb's name, so I was like, okay, you know, so we scheduled a meeting and they asked if our organization would like to sponsor the swim League. So of course, we said yes, and that became the Caleb Cares swim league. And we started this past spring and it just finished up its first season. It was so popular that they are continuing it for the fall season. So parents really loved the affordable option of a swim league for their kids. And we are honored to be the sponsor for that. It's hard. Because I go to the same pool, we went to the meets to just, you know, show our faces and support the team. It was hard being there with all the memories I have attached to seeing Caleb at work, because of course, I took his sisters out of swim while he was working. And so we would take pictures of him and selfies and sometimes, you know, we had fun with that. So it's hard for me to go there. But it's also very honoring, because it was their idea to honor Caleb and not ours. So when someone else does that for your child, it's just very, it's a huge, huge blessing and like a huge hug. Yeah, to your heart. And so I'm grateful to be there and grateful to have the support of the city behind us. So because he was a city employee, that means a lot to us that they are willing to support us and be involved in what we're doing.
Yeah, absolutely. Well, I love it. I love all of the things that you've got going on with that. So is there a way that people can support the Caleb cares project or get involved?
Yes, they can find us on Facebook at the Caleb Cares project. Of course, my website and PayPal.
Okay, good. I'll put all of those links in the show notes so people can find them easily. And I hope some folks will get involved because I think y'all are doing wonderful things. All in honor of Caleb.
Yes, I actually got a call yesterday ... so we have a free preschool program in our town for three to five year old kids. And we sponsor one of those programs by providing weekend food bags to the kids. Oh, kind of like a fuel bag, if you've ever heard of that. Yeah. So we provide them with snacks and food throughout the weekend. And they called me yesterday and wanted permission to put a bench in front of their building in honor of Caleb. Oh, wow. Well, of course, you have my permission for that. Yeah. That's also the neighborhood where it's the government housing neighbor neighborhood that Caleb went to very often and volunteered his time. So because his heart was there, our heart is there. And we continue that work in that neighborhood for those people and those kids and families. So for them to ask me if they can put a bench out front for Caleb, like, yeah, I was just, I was breathless. And I was just so thankful that they want to do that for him.
Talk about a hug for your heart. I mean, it doesn't get much better than that. That's, that's awesome! Something else you're going to be involved with you and Joe are going to be starting one of our While We're Waiting support groups there in your area. I think you're going to start in September. So talk a little bit about where you'll be meeting, when you're gonna start ... a little bit about that, and what's your desire with this group.
Okay, our first group is going to meet on Sunday, September 11, at six o'clock at Grace Church of the Nazarene here in Clarksville, and it's our, our hope for the group to walk alongside other grieving parents, and kind of help them learn healthy ways of grieving. And just support them in their journey. And also we know they might be able to teach us some things. They might be further along in their grief journey and be able to show us some things and help us in ways as well. So we're looking forward to just being that the leaders for that in our community, and hopefully it will grow and kind of branch out into smaller groups. But yeah, we are looking forward to getting that started. And I've been thinking about it for the majority of this year and praying about it. Just wanting to have what I needed. Yeah, or wanting to give what I needed. So when Caleb first died, I just I was like, someone has to tell me what to do. I don't know what to do. I need another mom. She has to tell me what to do. I just, I wanted a quick fix. I wanted a big bandaid and that didn't happen. I couldn't get that. Right. And there was no support groups here. So, you know, we had to figure it out for ourselves and find our own resources. and things like that. So I'm looking forward to establishing that here in our city. And the reason why we chose While We're Waiting is obviously we love the ministry. We love you and Brad and and when we came to the last retreat and saw that there were no yellow pins on the, on the map ... no support groups anywhere near us. Yeah, we knew that that was confirmation that we should do it.
Yeah. I love that. And I like how you said that, that you may learn as well. And it may help you because we're, you know, it's been 13 years since Hannah died. And I'm telling you, every single time we host a retreat or support group meeting, I learn something new from the other people that are there, whether they're ahead of me or behind me, everybody has insight and things that they've learned that that can help each other. So, yeah, it's just really something special when a group of bereaved parents get together and shares. So yeah, that's great. All right. So one last question I always like to ask, and that is, has music been an important part of your grief journey? And if so, what's on your playlist?
Yes, it has been a huge part in my grief journey. And I have a playlist that I created very shortly after Caleb died, because I just, I relate to music so closely, and I really just feel it and allow it to comfort me. So I created a playlist called "Possible". And just a couple of the songs I have on here are Remind Me You're Here by Jason Gray. I Need Thee Every Hour by Jars of Clay, Sovereign by Chris Tomlin, I Know by Big Daddy weave. And that one is the first kind of Christian song that I heard, where I felt like he was speaking directly to me. It's if you've lost a child, I mean, in any way, you're gonna want to look up the song I Know by Big Daddy leave. That song was a game changer for me. And most recently, I added the songs God Really Loves us by Crowder and Dante Bo. The song Steady Me by Jeremy camp, that one is is a prayer. Yeah, I really enjoy that song. And then Run to the Father by Cody Carnes. That song, I heard it at a youth event recently. And our youth pastor played it. And I could barely breathe, I was crying just so hard because of the lyrics. And I'll just read part of the chorus real quick. It says, I run to the Father, I fall into grace, I'm done with the hiding, no reason to wait. My heart needs a surgeon, my soul needs a friend. So I'll run to the father again and again. And again. And again. And I just thought to myself, I just wish Caleb would have ran to the Father again. Just one more time, just run to the Father. Again. Yeah, yeah. And so that was that was a hard song for me to hear. And I was kind of surprised with myself adding it to my playlist because I was kind of mad. Right? Sure. Just run again, just run again and again and again and again. And unfortunately, that's not what Caleb did. But I run to that father again and again and again to help me through this. Mm hmm.
Yeah, thank you for sharing the names of all of those songs. Because I think that can be helpful. People are looking for songs that they can relate to ... every song that you mentioned, is so meaningful to a bereaved parent, every one of them has lyrics that we can just grab a hold of, and hold on to, you know, because like you said, music sometimes speaks to you more than more than just about anything else.
Yes, definitely. And, and honestly, I don't read Scripture right now. I mean, there are verses I definitely cling to, and I still hold the word in my heart. But the lyrics and music and I just I really hold on to that and let it speak to me.
All right. Well, is there anything else you'd like to share before we wrap up?
I would like to say thank you for what you're doing and for how you've helped me in my journey by offering the podcasts and the ministry and everything, and I appreciate you and all you're doing.
Well, I appreciate you. You've been a blessing to me just just the times that I've gotten to be around you and and hear Caleb's story and, you know, just from one Dutch girl to another, I just really appreciate you. Well, thank you so much for coming on. And I just look forward to the next time I have an opportunity to see you in person.
Yes, me too. Thank you.
Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of the While We're Waiting Hope After Child Loss podcast. If this podcast has been a blessing to you, please take just a moment to leave a rating or review and please feel free to share it with someone you know who might be helped by it. We're so grateful for all of you who come back and listen every week and those of you who may be listening for the very first time. I hope God has used it to encourage you today and to help you live well while you're waiting.