If you've enjoyed our episode or the content that we provide on the universe's your therapist, check out our signature program, the whole health lab in the whole health lab. We walk you through healing from trauma physically, emotionally and spiritually. If you're wondering if you have trauma, go to many trauma.com/quiz. Take our quiz, and you'll be able to determine if trauma is affecting your life. If it is, and you find that you want to go further, we would love to be your guide as you recover from trauma. Hi, welcome back to another episode of the podcast. Today's episode we are really excited about because it is about cultivating gratitude, especially after trauma and how to do that as we go into November and the season of gratitude and thanksgiving, at least in the US. It's something I love about the month of November, the focus on being grateful. But we don't want to dive into toxic positivity, where we just wash over the trauma so that so we're not you know, that's not the direction we want to go. We want to do the both and you know, we can be grateful and cultivate gratitude, and still acknowledge what we're dealing with in our healing journey. So welcome back. And let's dive in to why gratitude why I mean, obviously, it's a tradition, and people are very thankful in November. But what is it about gratitude? And why are we obsessed with gratitude.
Gratitude is such a resilience factor. And resilience is building up the ability to be less impacted by difficult hard, traumatic things. So if you want to have less reactivity in your life, gratitude is one of the things that you can cultivate, that will help with that one of our members on the whole health lab calls it the great and what you were just explaining. So the great and is my life can be really hard. And I can be grateful that I have a house, a roof over my head, I have people who love me.
I love that. One of the things that I've been really excited about is the research that shows gratitude. And cultivating gratitude is not simply, you know, for resilience building. But it is also helping with depression and anxiety, and a slew of other symptoms that we get from unresolved trauma. And so in a very practical way, gratitude is a healing tool. And what we know about our listeners, and the people that we help on a daily basis is that sometimes gratitude can be really, really difficult when you've had hard things happen to you that have changed your perspective on the world. So what we want to do today is kind of look at how trauma can change your perspective on the world. And then we also want to step into that, that idea of given that we can cultivate gratitude by doing these specific skill sets. So talk to us about what happens to our brain after trauma and how that might be hard to then go through life with gratitude.
When we've experienced trauma, our brain in order to protect us from future trauma becomes hyper vigilant. And it's not as helpful in the way we live today where there's no lions or Tigers or bears. The hyper vigilance then allows us to look at things through a negativity bias in the hopes that we'll be prepared and nothing bad will happen again. So that is a natural response in the autonomic nervous system. In order to help our survival. We know that the brain does not do very well with seemingly opposite things at the same time, and that's where the great aunt comes in. Because when we start to notice things that we are truly grateful for. It actually sets up new neural pathways in our brain and it helps to dissolve some of that negativity bias, and it helps to dissolve some of the hyper vigilance.
Yeah, absolutely. And there, there's a little study I saw just a couple of weeks ago that said that people who decorate for the holidays, before Thanksgiving, it might have even said before Halloween, have less depression. And I thought that's so interesting, because, you know, I've always thought, Why? Why are people pulling out all of their holiday decorations? So early? Whether it's Christmas or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa? Why, why are we pulling these out so early? And that study was so interesting to me. So it got me thinking, why would people be less depressed and have a better holiday season if they had their decorations out. And the holidays are focused on giving, and gratitude. And so by shifting our focus for the last quarter of the year, we really, really do set ourselves up for more optimal mental health during what can be a challenging time for people.
That's so great. I love that, you know, our friends, Tracy, that we grew up with Tracy and Susie Tracy sets up all of her holiday decorations the day after Halloween and starts playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. So she cottoned on to that about 15 years ago. And it I mean, I didn't talk with her in depth about it. But it makes perfect sense that you're setting yourself up for joy and focus on the purpose of the season, and that it would help your mental health. That's cool. Yeah, go Tracy.
You're a early adopter in a lot of ways. One of the other hallmarks of unresolved trauma is that it changes the way we view the world. And that's actually one of the definitions that Dr. Bessel Vander Kolk says, sets apart a traumatic event from a heart event is that it fundamentally changes how you view yourself, and how you view the world. Given that sometimes, at least for me, cultivating gratitude can be really, really challenging, because I already have the negativity bias that all humans have. And then I have the trauma that has fundamentally presented the world as an unsafe place to me, right. So those of us who have had trauma, which PS is most of us have kind of an extra challenging job in cultivating gratitude. But the payoff is amazing. This is something I feel really passionate about. So what are the ways we can actually cultivate gratitude? I love there's a couple of ways that I use one is changing my thoughts midstream. The other is focusing on what I love about someone, especially when I'm feeling critical of them, I automatically try and think of three things I really love and appreciate about them. And the other is writing down before I go to bed every night, three to five things I'm grateful for. And so those are the practices that have really, really helped me. What other practices do you know that help cultivate gratitude?
Well, I remember last fall, we were both listening to Andrew, your humans podcast, and he talked about gratitude. And the way he talked about it actually lined up with what I learned when I was doing my EMDR training. What he talked about is that gratitude practice is much more powerful and effective. If you can get into a quiet place. And remember a time when you when you experienced a lot of gratitude, and then let yourself be there and experience the gratitude again. And in EMDR, we call that tapping in because you're tapping in resources or positive memories. And so you can even if you'd like, tap your arms or your knees, while you're having this experience of bringing up the image of what was what you're grateful for, and then letting yourself experience the real feeling of gratitude. That is super powerful. We know that the brain rewires more effectively under strong emotion. And that's why trauma can be so difficult because it can lead to terror and fear and that sort of thing. But it can also be rewired through what we would typically think of as positive emotions. And so being able to be in gratitude, while you allow yourself to experience it throughout your body, again, is super powerful. The other thing that I love is the expression of gratitude. And we have really moved away from that, especially in the last several years where there's been a lot of divisiveness, divisiveness, and conflict. About 12 years ago, I read a book called The gratitude diaries. And I can't remember who it's by. But every chapter, she did a gratitude practice for a year. And every chapter was one month. And one month, she purposely engaged in that with her spouse, and their relationship was fine. But she became hyper conscious of issuing statements of thanks and appreciation. And she said, within the first week, she was astonished at how much more they felt connected to each other, and how more understanding they were of each other. It was so powerful,
I love that. I don't know if you remember. But when Kevin and I got married, the person who married us actually challenged us to, you know, this might not have been in the ceremony, it might have been afterwards, I cannot honestly remember, but he challenged us before we go to bed each night, to tell each other one thing we loved about each other. And so we did that without fail for the first 15 years of our marriage. And some nights was so difficult, because I'd be thinking you are getting on my last nerve, I cannot believe, you know, I cannot believe this day was crap. And then we would lay in bed. And I would think, Okay, what do I love about him today, and it had to be specific. And so it forced my brain to and I'm sure he felt the same way. I'm no picnic, either, right? I mean, we're human, we're all flawed. But it forced us to really focus on what we loved and what we are grateful for, for that person each day. And so as we looked back on the day, we got to cherry pick for our brain, the things that were working, and that fundamentally shaped our whole marriage,
I believe you is so powerful. In fact, I remember you telling me about that. I remember that. And I've used it when I was doing counseling, I used it with my clients. That's awesome. And I remember one of my clients said to me, why should I express gratitude for what he's supposed to be doing anyway? And so we talked a little bit about who would do who would have to do it if if her spouse didn't do it? And she said, Oh, I would, because all of our kids are small, I couldn't get one of my kids to take out the garbage cans. And, and so she started practicing expressions of gratitude. And it really helped her become much more emotionally regulated internally, instead of only based on external things.
Absolutely. And that's ultimately what we're talking about is, is that internal locus of control, and we've talked about it in other podcast episodes, that's one of our main focuses in our program is helping to people to understand that instead of focusing on everything outside of us, to provide what we need emotionally, we start to really strengthen our inner locus of control or inner self and inner resources so that we can help provide our own sense of safety. Truly, yes, yeah. And that's been a miracle for my healing journey. And I've noticed as I've understood the value of an internal locus of control, I've been able to parent differently to be able to teach my children that they don't have control over anyone else, the only person or thing they can control is what happens here, and what they do with it. And that is that is power to realize that you have power.
It is immense power. And what it does is it allows us throughout our lives to develop more healthy relationships, because instead of demanding certain behavior for someone so I can feel better. I know that I can make myself feel better as I do my own healing work. And as I embrace different practices that can help me regulate my MO missions, regardless of what someone outside of me is doing. And in the world, it might sound something like it is what it is. And it might sound like the Serenity Prayer. And it is, it is so impactful to accept that I can't change anything outside of myself, sometimes I can't even change anything inside myself. But to be empowered to know that regardless of what's happening, I still have choices about how I deal with it.
Absolutely. I think that's the ultimate goal of everything that we're doing is to help people really call back the power that they do have as an individual, and realize that they do have choices, despite what's happened in the past, that there is hope. And that by doing these really small and simple things, they can actually make a lot of internal changes and progress in order to resource themselves and move out of those old dynamics and those old patterns. Anything else that comes to mine about gratitude? What are you grateful for,
I am really grateful for my family, I am grateful for our relationship. I'm grateful that I'm feeling more healthy after four years of being ill, and grateful that our friends moved to Missouri to keep working with us on this project. I get to teach at church, I get to teach the teenagers and I love that I'm so grateful for that. I am grateful for a lot of things.
That's awesome.
How about you? Oh,
gosh, I think I am most grateful for my partner, my husband, Kevin, he is he is just the rock of my life. And I'm very, very, very grateful for my children. I'm so grateful that all of the hard work that we've put in as a family through therapy and through going to specialists because you know, three of our kids are special needs, that it's as they're going into their teenage years, it's really I can see how it's helping them I can see they're developing life skills of independence, I can see that they're learning to be kind. I'm grateful for my family of origin. I'm grateful for the work we get to do. It is so satisfying, and gratifying, gratifying to me that this is my job that I get to work with people and help them have hope and heal. I think it's it just feels like such an honor and such a privilege. And I'm really, really grateful for, I guess, my spiritual. Don't know how to describe it, I guess my spiritual knowings that I've learned to lead my life by these nudges and these promptings that are coming from a universe that is much greater than me. And so I feel really held and taken care of by the larger, you know, I call it God, but you can call it whatever you want. It just feels I feel like I'm okay. And I feel super grateful for that.
Wow, that's beautiful, Amy. And I think that as we heal, we're better able to see what what a lot of people call coincidence, but I think are from the universe or a higher power. And when we are able to acknowledge that it contributes to a deeper sense of peace. I'm so glad to share that. Thank you. That was beautiful.
Oh, thank you. Well, we are grateful for our listeners, especially, and anyone who's trusting us on their healing journey, and we really want to serve you and give you value. And so if there is any topic that y'all want to hear about, just email us or reach out to us. Of course, we have our program, the whole health lab, but we also are on Instagram and YouTube and Facebook and all the channels. So just reach out to us and we would love to incorporate any of the topics that you are needing help with in our episodes. But we are grateful for you and we hope that you're able to go forward with more gratitude this season. And we'll see you next week. Thank you for listening to the universe's your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at many trauma on Instagram, as well as many trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show we'll see you all next week
