You're listening to the face value podcast episode one to one, seeing people after gaining weight.
I'm Victoria Welsby TEDx speaker, Best Selling Author and fat activist. I have transformed my life from hating my body with desperately low self esteem to being a courageous and confident first party who loves every inch of this jellied society teaches us living in a fat body is bad. But what if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness, and instead focused on the things that actually matter? Like if pineapple on pizza should be outlawed? Or if the mullet was the greatest haircut of the 20th century? So how do you stop a negative beliefs about your fat body controlling your life? It's the first fatty podcast. Let's begin.
Hello, and welcome to this episode where I'm using a different mic. Hopefully, I don't know if you've noticed, some people did. Some people didn't. That there's a been a high pitched sound on the podcast. And it's my mic is my mic. I've got a nice fancy podcast mic. Something needs to change. I don't know what it is. Anyway. Apologies to people who've been listening and been like, Oh, this is so fucking annoying. The sound is really shit. I'm using an older mic today. To see how that goes. If not, I'll buy a new mic. Or I'll google how to fix this other mic. Yeah, I'll google how to fix this other mic. I'm sure actually, you know what? This mic that I'm on is the exact same mic that somebody in in in news is for her podcast and her podcast. Sounds great. So maybe I should just stick with his mic. And just stop faffing about. Yes. Hey, guess what I was looking at podcast reviews for this podcast. And thank you everybody for a reviews. I've said in the past, it's so annoying because on Apple, you can't see the reviews for you got to see all your reviews, you can only see reviews for the country that you're in. But I can I can kind of change the thing in Virginia so I can see it for the US as well as Canada. Anyway, I've realized that I haven't asked you to make a review for the podcast in ages because there's hardly any reviews from 2022. And there are no reviews of mentioning my new name. And so when I looked at all the reviews, and it said Victoria, it came gave me kind of gender dysphoria feelings. Like I was like, Oh, it's so hard to explain this gender stuff. But it would have been would be so nice if you could make a review and then be like, Vinnie is the mutts nuts, or something like that. Vinnie is a piece of shit and I hate them. They'll say that, I guess you can't say that. But whatever, if you can write a review. And the reason is not just so that I can see my name in lights. It's because more people will find a podcast. And did you know, dude, you know, first party podcast is in the top 2% of podcasts in the world. Which sounds really impressive, but is largely that impressive, because there's something like 2.8 billion million not billion 2.8 million podcasts. So I'm in the two top 2% And I bet you a lot of those podcasts are like they've done one episode one time or something. And so the top 2% is in like the top. I don't know. 40,000 or something. Let's look let's do the maths. 2.8 million 2800000 to find a buy 100 times to top I mean the top 56,000 podcasts in the world even knew that there were 56,000 Nevermind 2.8 million podcasts in the world. But yeah, maybe I put it on like different profiles to trick people into thinking that I'm impressive. Yeah, man, my podcasts In the top tube is there Yeah. Anyway, whatever. Yeah. So anyway, leave me a review. We'll Yeah, we leave me review, will you? You will. Oh my goodness. So appreciate it. Hey, since we've not really had a little chinwag in the last little bit, let me give you an update on my life. I've been dating I've been dating No. I'm still single. Still haven't got any dick. I can't believe this. I'm just very, very frustrated about this. Oh, Lord. I'm so I've been on dates. I've been on dates. Great, wonderful, wonderful, great, wonderful. And had a couple of guys around in the hopes of hooking up but didn't work out. One guy would came round and it was kind of like, let's see how it goes. You know? And so he came around my place.
Having a chat on the on the sofa, you know, because you don't want to like just meet someone and then I don't know, maybe you do. But I, you know, didn't want to just meet someone and immediately start sucking the deck or whatever. So you'd have a bit of a chinwag. See if we actually get on? Because I don't want to I don't have set. I don't know you. I don't want to have sex with someone. And then afterwards find out I know that they love Donald Trump or something. But no, you know, can you imagine? If you just you know, gave someone like the best orgasm ever? And they're like, Oh my God, yes. I really love being a racist or something like that. Then you want Alpha Fuck sake, I just use my skills on this person. And they are not. They are not worthy. So anyway, have a chinwag with this guy. And I don't know if I should tell you the stories might be, it might be is it mean? Might be mean? I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna, I'm gonna say it. Okay, I'm gonna tell you the story. But and then if you think that I mean, then then then then you think that I mean, I probably am being mean. Anyway. So let me tell you the story. It's nothing, nothing that interesting. But so we're sitting on a sofa. And so I've got Google the dog, and Dougal and smell kept fighting the good kept fine. And he's not like Dougal Duke was not that big of a fighter. He might fight once, but it's not like the, you know, some dogs might be fighting all night long, and it's awful. So Google farted and then like, you know, 510 minutes later, I was like, Oh, if I can now Google keeps fine plumbing out. And then you kept going on I was like, it's an s not Dougie. Is that's not like Doggy Dog is not a big fatter? So then I was thinking, hang on. Is it me? So I have IBS, right? I have IBS. How I shit myself and I don't realize it. I'm like, trying to fill my asshole. Is there shit in my asshole? Around my also? No, don't think so. Not me. Definitely not me. Ah, okay. Has this guy come in and lift like poo on his shoes or something? No, no, his shoes and not near his shoes out the door. And after a little while, I realized the smell of farts that I was smelling was coming from his mouth. His breath literally smelled like farts. And I was like, Am I imagining this? After he left? I googled it. And it's a thing. Like if you've got some, like, you know, your teeth are rotting or some sort of things going on. It can actually smell like farts. I was like, oh shit, we didn't hook up. We didn't kiss. Nothing happened. I think maybe after realizing it was his breath. It was smelling like fast. Much it was kind of long so I could kind of you know, move away a little bit. I think we could kind of get the vibe that nothing was gonna happen between us. That wasn't I wasn't fun. Yeah, so one day inexperience another woman guy came around again in the hopes of maybe a little bit of a hookup. And, and then he's like, Oh, actually, last weekend, I got my penis pierced. And so I'm not allowed to have sex for three weeks. And I was like that for fucks like so then he showed me is his knob and stuff. And that was kind of interesting, but I thought oh, it's probably not gonna feel very nice. That aren't maybe it does. Who knows? But anyway, so wish me luck on my adventures. Maybe next time we talk. I would have been successful in my mission for some sex. It's been In 1000 days, I don't know how many days I'll probably that's probably pretty accurate. But yeah. So anyway, I saw an article from the Huffington Post. And I thought, You know what, this is very timely, very timely, because a lot of people, a lot of clients, a lot of when I'm doing q&a calls, people are talking about this very same takut topic. And that is, I have to go back to work, but go back and be in the office. And I've put on weight. So I saw this post, I gained 70 pounds during COVID. Here's what happened on my first day back in the office. No, I was like, extra long term. Give me a bit of this. I want to hear people's experiences. Written by someone who works for Huff Post. Their name is Emily mkuze Alma combs.
Great ginger hair. But it was Georgie, Georgie moments. On my hair used to look like that actually. at Toronto. Yeah. And so they they, she talks about this, she talks about this, it's maybe a 10 minute read, but I'm gonna read kind of the last little bit to you. And then we can have a, we're gonna have a bit of a chinwag about what she has said and her experiences now this is someone who is fat positive, by the way. So I'll link to it in the show notes show notes you'll find at visa a.com forward slash, one to one or first party forward slash fish fly.com forward slash podcast if you can't remember the new number of the show. Yeah, so I'm gonna read the last the last bits. Are you comfortable than I shank begin? In the privacy of my apartment with no one to see me. It was easy to slip into the into brain in a jar mode. But as restrictions began to ease, whether wisely or unwisely, the world and its opinions about the way I look are about to come flooding back in. This got real when my company announced our return to Office date last week. For the first time in years, I was going to sit under fluorescent lights and be perceived. I was going to walk farther from my bed to my couch in open terrain, I was going to be confronted with a reflection that contrasted with my mental image of myself in the office full length a bathroom mirror. Well, I had noticed my weight game when working from home I wasn't aware on of it on a minute by minute basis. And I certainly didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought about it. Not to mention, what was I going to wear, my closets were full of clothes that didn't fit me anymore, and my New York apartment was starting to reach capacity for how many differently size wardrobes it could hold. nervous about seeing my co workers who are who hadn't seen me since I was much smaller. I perhaps counter intuitively started shopping for something fabulous and distinctive to wear my first day back, ultimately selecting an attention grabbing pink suit, something that would be totally over the top in our casual office office. I couldn't hide out while wearing neon Barbie pink. Feeling like my extra stylish self was the best way I knew to bolster my confidence and signal to let to every anyone who might have something to say that I am happy with who I am and deserving of respect at any size. And then the article continues about there is a picture of our author with a short fringe. Long ginger hair. She is white. She's wearing a fabulous suit. I bet you that suit is actually from eliquid it looks great. It's like a baby pink. And she's got a white t shirt on that says personal essay in black text. You can see a hand peeking out with a tattoo on her hand. She looks cool. She's wearing black boots. If I saw her, I'd say will you be my friend? And she might say yes. Or she might say go away. I don't know you. Continuing with the article. When the dark day finally came I did feel self conscious. But I felt that way about everything associated with remembering how to be a human again. When it was my time to hand my ID to the woman at the front desk. I felt fumbly and nervous like I'd forgotten how to do basic human basic tasks associated with being in public. Talking to Moscow, Moscow. His co workers was surreal. Ultimately commuting in here was felt weirder than the fact that I've gained weight.
And compared to my experience 20 years ago, in the earlier in the article, she talked about being fat 20 years ago and people being like mean, and bigger bigots. So compared to my experience 20 years ago, things do seem slightly better, at least in my bubble. Nobody said anything rude or backhanded to me. I'm an adult now. And there are fewer bullies to hell fountain drinks at my head. Everybody raved over my pink power suit, which I wouldn't have even been able to wear 20 years ago because hardly anyone, anybody sold plus sized clothing. By writing this, I know I'm opening myself up to be reminded of just how many people are still out there dying to share their shitty criticism and hot takes on my body which let me be very clear, I do not want in capitals. But I know I'm not the only one struggling with returning to the to the world with a very different body. And I want everyone else navigating this experience to know that they are not alone. And they are not any less valuable than they were before they gained weight. A girlfriend recently told me that every time she sees someone who had she hasn't seen before the pandemic, she finds herself wondering, are they thinking about my body, and they might be fleetingly if it's changed in obvious ways, but so much has changed, fundamentally shifted during this pandemic. And we're watching to see how the world will reset resettle on its axis axis, no one is coming back the same as they were before. When we are finally able to climb out of survival mode mode after this traumatic globe changing event, I'm hoping most people will be far more concerned about how to acclimate back into their long abandoned routines, how to fortify their depleted mental health, how to honor those who we have lost by relearning the little things we didn't know. We're what added up to make us human. I hope it's soul stuff will be focused on not bodies. I do want to get back to a more active lifestyle because well, movement feels good. But whether I eventually lose the weight or gain I gained or not. And if I do, I will miss you massive boobs. I have to do my best to accept my body where it is it is every step of the way. Because honestly, what's the alternative? stewing in self hate accepting the fucked up messages were fed our whole lives and feeling the way they want me to feel about my body. It's been a long two years, I simply refuse to waste any more time. The end am aneema combs is the deputy editor editor of HuffPost personal she writes and edits first person essays, in topics in all areas included identity, race, gender, sexuality, love, relationships, sex, parenting, family addiction, mental health and body politic. She's based in New York, and she eats some hot dogs, because New Yorkers eat hot dogs. Isn't my New York accent Sogod? Yes, so so so so just a little caveat, before you read that the beginning, if you do want to read the beginning of the article, and you heard a little bit about the end, she's correlating a change in her lifestyle, to her weight gain. And it could be that that is what has directly caused her gaining weight, but it could be other things. So we need to always try to examine the connections that we make to fatness and health, especially when we're blaming ourselves. You know, because we've got this idea of what we eat and how we move our body. There's a simple equation. And if you eat more food than your body needs, you will gain weight. Well, that's not that's not necessarily true. Of course, it is true sometimes, but our bodies are actually a lot more complicated. And fatness and health is way more complicated than what we have been taught in society. And so, you know, I see a lot of times people say, I'm unhealthy or I'm unfit. And it's because I've gained weight. Or I stopped going to the gym and it made me fat. And how do we know how do we know how do we really know? We don't we make some guesses.
And is it helpful? Because is it Are you blaming yourself? Are you making about body size when it it could be increased stress? Especially like you know, I you know, I hear people say, you know, I've been in a global pandemic. I also have given a birth to a child. I also broke my leg last summer and I've been suffering from depression and my my mum is really sick and all this sort of stuff. And now I'm out of breath when I climb the stairs, and it's like, and they say always because I've put on weight, we need to get a little bit more curious, is what I'm saying? Like, is it just that you put? Is it that at all? Or is it that you are experiencing a shit ton of different stresses? Changes in your life? You know, all sorts of things are going on. And so I just really want to caution us against that very simple. Look at I am fat because I am bad. And I didn't do the things I need to do to stop myself being fat. And one thing we do know about moving our bodies exercise is that it it really doesn't lead to reducing our weight. It's not mean nothing does long term, but moving our bodies really is something that it could could be good for our health. Not always because sometimes go people go overboard, sometimes people are not able to move their bodies for various different reasons, or it's not healthy for them to move their bodies or whatever reasons. So yeah, I mean, anything that you say it's kind of it's very kind of nuanced, right? And we have to look at it less black and white and more shades of gray. So let's talk about this. Let's talk about this. Let's talk about the little little a little bit. Okay, so if you're in the same situation, I want you to know that you are so far from being alone, you are so far, like I said at the beginning of the episode, many people were asking me these questions around these, my body is changing. Now I'm nervous, I'm frightened, and I'm anxious. I'm stressed out. I feel shame. Basically, I feel shame. I know, I have to go and see other people, I can't avoid it unless I stayed in my house forever. And, you know, where a bag over my head and a tent over my body or whatever. People are gonna see me, and it's gonna be awful. And the reality is people do judge others. Right? We all do we all judge people and perceive people and that in that article, Emily wrote the word perceived. And that that word is really big for me, because you know, with gender stuff anyway, is that I don't want to be perceived. And I can't help her, you know, if someone can see me, hear me, feel me, smell me, and my poo breath, then they can perceive me, you know, and I can try and manipulate the way they perceive me good or bad, but they will perceive me and no matter what I say if I you know, say what gender stuff I want to someone to perceive me as non binary, whatever, you know, whatever someone can perceive me as, I don't know what non binary looks like. But, you know, because non binary is not a look, but I want them to perceive me as such. And it doesn't matter if I do all the things to look nonbinary people are going to perceive me the way that they perceive me, right. And the same way with weight. People are going to be perceiving you and therefore making a judgement based on their own stuff. Right. And the thing is, most of the time, we don't actually know. And most of the time, the extent that people are spending their time judging you is probably different from what it feels like. It feels almost like you know, we're gonna go back to work. We're gonna go into the office, and the whole office. You know, they're already there before us. The whole office just dropped silent. You know, people mouths are agape. The phone stop ringing there you are and you've put on weight. Someone in HR lets out a shriek. Oh my god, did you see how fat
you know? That's what it feels like people rushed to the, you know, to the to the what do you call it like MSN, MSN, 20 years later, Slack channels being like, oh my god, they're so fat now. Oh my God, that's gonna focus group to talk about how fat this person is. You know, that's what it feels like. And we know that that's not going to happen, but it might as well happen because it's, you know, very stress inducing. And so I mean that could happen, I don't know, maybe it in a movie, but it's probably not going to happen like that, right. And the outcomes of of you going back to work you seeing people you've not seen for a long time is they are going to perceive you because we all perceive each other, and they are going to perceive you and judge, you negatively, judge you positively or don't care, not thinking about you're thinking about what to make for dinner tonight. And I'm worried maybe about you judging them. I'm gonna say most people are falling into worried that you're judging them, or something like that. And that's not to say, of course, there are people who are going to be like, Oh, my God, they're fat? I don't think so. You know, but what do we think that the people who are thinking, wow, they gained weight, and it looks bad? What do they feel about themselves? What do you think he's got? What is their internal dialogue going on? If they are judging you negatively, they are perceiving you. And it's okay, if they perceive you, and they notice that your weight has changed, or there is a big change in your appearance, because that's difficult to not notice, right? And just someone noticing that is not necessarily a bad thing. But some people want if they do say in their head, wow, they are unattractive because they are fat, or they have put on weight. Or they have changed in a way that I think is not good. What types of people are they not saying they're bad people? Because I mean, fucking hell, that's been me laying most of my life being like, look at her over there, you know. But when I was like that, I really didn't like myself. And there was a lot going on with me. And I wouldn't necessarily want to be friends with with me at that point. Yeah, and what about people who think, oh, they gained weight? Okay, whatever. I'm so pleased to see them.
I wonder if they're judging me?
What are those types of people think about themselves? The people who are who are, I feel like they're more real, more compassionate, because, you know, these evil villain type people's people. They don't often exist, I don't think I don't think people are, you know, their cackling being like, Ah, I'm going to be judging every single person who walks by and I think everyone is unattractive and horrible. And there's not that many of those kind of just soulless people out there. I think most people are. Have compassion, right? And they might perceive that you've gained weight. But But I want you to think about how, if you saw a colleague, someone you cared about, whatever, might you don't even know them? And you notice that they had gained weight? Would you? It depends where you're on your journey, you might say, I'd be like, Oh, that's horrible, blah, blah, blah. And that's fine. That just gives us information about where you're at in your journey, and what work you need to do. Would you be thinking like that? Or would you be thinking, Oh, my goodness, I'm but that was really hard for them to come in. And, you know, I hope they're feeling okay. And, you know, what would you be thinking? And I would say, I was, you know, before the podcast thinking, what would I think? And my thoughts would be, like, selfish thoughts of, Oh, my God, I get a new cool fat friend, or, Oh, my God, can we share a wardrobe? Like, it's almost like, I would have gained something. Because I would see it as something cool and fun and exciting. But also, I wouldn't be saying that to them, because I know that they might be like, I don't feel good. You know, I wouldn't be rushing up to them being like, Oh, we can share our wardrobes now. Oh, my God, how? How big a year, you were, like, my size? You know, I just thought I would just be thinking like, oh, another one another one have another new cool, fun person. You know, that's what I probably thinking. And also be thinking, I hope that they feel okay. I hope they don't feel too stressed. I hope they know that. I don't think that they're bad. You know? So, and I think that that's what most people not necessarily the, I hope we can exchange close now. But most people are compassionate. They have levels of compassion, right? And they might have their own shit in regards to fatphobia. But what is the reality in regards to you know, the workplace? Is it going to be that kind of phone stopped ringing every When you know, if someone drops their coffee in shock when they see you is it that? And, by the way it's true. We live in a fat phobic society, right? I don't want to I don't want people to think that I'm not saying that we live in a fucking violently fat phobic society, we do. We do. Absolutely. And lots of people have compassion. So your perception of I'm stressed and worried and anxious about going into society as a fat person is based in reality, right? It's true. We've all seen, if you're fat, you know, we've experienced we've seen what it's like to be in a fat body. It's not fun, right? It's not fun. So it makes sense. So you're not being ridiculous by by saying, you know, or feeling nervous or anything. But also, you know, the two truths can be be, you know, two realities, at the same time is, is people can hold bias. And people can try and work towards being compassionate, as well. But, I mean, that might not be a reality, you might work with a bunch of balance. Like Vinnie, that'd be great if my colleagues had compassion, but they don't their decks. And in that case, then, you know, that really, really sucks. That's not fun. Yeah, and I wonder as well, what about those who are noticing you blossom into someone who's more peace with themselves if you are working on this stuff? You know, we we think about how people are noticing bad things about us, you know, quote, unquote, bad. But what if people are noticing the beautiful things, the beautiful things in regards to the acceptance that we're growing for ourselves? The don't give a fuck attitude that we're growing the resilience, you know?
And, uh, yeah, the big thing is, because of the the Panini that we've been in, most people I think most people are stressed. They're worried about going back into society, they're worried about people judging them, they're worried about how they've changed. And so I think about it all the time. And I've said it on the podcast podcast many times, we're all walking around being like, I want to be loved and accepted, and I don't want to be judged. And we're looking at that person on the street thinking I hope they're not judging me. I hope they love me and accept me. And you know, not that person, that person specifically necessarily but you know, people in society, I'm loved, loved and not judged. And I'm accepted. And that person who you're you know, walking by thinking the same is thinking the same things. Or they just looked at me I'd really think my hair shirt do they think that my lipstick looks stupid? Do they think that I'm this leather jacket is ugly? You know? Yeah. And so you know, where the reality is that there will be people judging you. And they will be negative, positive. So we're in the middle indifferent, whatever our people's opinions on you about you going to let you stop living. What's more important, others Pete others people cut people's comfort, or your mental health, your mental well being what's more important, other people's comfort? Or you living your life? And are in regards to other people's comfort of having to perceive you as a human, you're, you're, you're living your life is more important than then being distressed by being in the presence of the fatty, you know, you're more important than their opinion. That's easier said than done that easier said than done. You know, and so moving into what can we do to support ourselves? Okay, so easier said than done having all me given you kind of like a a fatty pep talk of fact, then people you might have any Yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck those people. But and so what can we do to support ourselves and so the author of this, this Huff Post post piste space said she went out and bought a fabulous pink suit that she looks great in. And so that is something that she did to support herself. And so if we look at our lives in general, what are our lives doing to support our, our belief that that we are okay, that fatness is okay that you deserve to live on? Live so Who? Who? Who's in your life? What people are in your life? Are they supportive of this stuff? Or are they raising fat? Fobes? Can you work towards getting more supportive people in your life? What do you have in your life that's currently supporting the idea that fat bodies are cool. And what do you have in your life? That's, that says the opposite. Like even today, as you know, lunch break, new new program on on, on, on on on Netflix. It's so fucking it's, it's, you know, just just garbage, right? It's the ultimatum. I'm sure you might have heard about it already. By the time this podcast comes out, but it's like people saying to their spouse, if you don't propose, then I'm going to dump you. And of course, every person on the show was then all the dudes are muscular and normal sized, normal in quotation marks. Average size, not even average. The guys, uh, you know, stereotypical attractive guys, the girls or stereotypical attractive girls. Snooze face, get some fucking fat is in there, get some people who look different. I mean, come on Jesus. Anyway, and so yet, I will continue to watch it. But imagine if all of my, you know, all of the shows that I watched were things that that that reaffirm the idea that fat bodies don't exist, you know, because fat people are just erased from from TV shows and movies and blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, so. And that's just one example. Right? That could lead me to say, if I binge watch it, and I watch like, 10 episodes at once. I might notice in a few days time, I feel so good about myself. What could have triggered that? And I can go back and be like, oh, yeah, it was that TV show? Or? Oh, yeah, it's because I spent time with that family member who hates fat people? Not what have family members who I speak to that, hey, fat people, but you're someone I'm getting up, okay? So can you do something to plan in advance like this, this author did. Buy something that you feel great in, or go through your wardrobe and find something that you feel great in. If it's not that maybe get your hair done, get your nails painted, do it yourself, put on some LePay whatever it is, it might make you feel good, none of those things might be for you, whatever it is, for you, you know, putting on a nice, nice little Sue, or some nice shoes, or, you know, I don't know, whatever it is that makes you feel good and is probably different for everyone. Also, tell yourself that you can if it does feel like when you're when you're there, if it just felt too much, you can go and give yourself breathers and you can go and just hang out in the washrooms and, and, you know, remove yourself from the situation. And especially if it's something that you're like, if you're going to an event, if you're going to an event, I always like if I get nervous, because I might get anxious about something or an event or something. I say to myself, listen, I'm just gonna go for half an hour, I'm just gonna go for 10 Just go for 10 minutes. And if I hate it, I can just immediately leave and giving yourself that permission to remove yourself if you feel too anxious. And I know with work, you can't and maybe you can't do that, right? Like you work in an office and you're having a meeting with your boss and you're like your boss, I've had enough of this I'm gonna I'm just gonna hang out in the washrooms are back, because you are making me anxious. And so I know it's not possible all the time to be able to do that. But can you support yourself in a way like that? Can you do something to build up to it? If it is feeling really, really big? Can you do something to kind of build up to it say if it's an event you're going to, can you go to a smaller event? Or can you wear your outfit at home and see how it makes you feel? Or can you share a headshot of your what you look like now on social media and then share a full body shot later or whatever it is that you're doing. So not necessarily just going back to work, but what can you do to take a small step to help yourself because this could be so huge and overwhelming. And if that's the case, supporting yourself in the way of taking smaller steps to build up to it is great if you can do that. And also realize afterwards that you may feel better feelings like you might feel shame. Like you go to the office, you come back, you might feel shame, you might feel really proud of yourself a huge different range of emotions that you could be feeling, you could be feeling rage, because someone came up to you and said, Oh, look at you, you're really fat. You know, hopefully, that's not gonna happen, you can feel sad because of this. And expect that, you know, expect that there could be a big range of emotions, and give yourself some gorgeous self care if that's if that's possible for you. And so I know that when I do certain things is going to mean that I my brain is going to be done for the day. And I'm not going to have the capacity to look after myself in the way that I would want. Like, for example, making myself dinner, or doing anything. And so after a big day, I be like, Okay, well I'll I plan to order a takeaway a takeout and I plan to do nothing apart from watch this trashy show on Netflix, you know, and expect that as normal. So next, and we've got support yourself next, less interrogate our own internalized fat phobia. So if you've put on weight, and you think that that means bad things about you, that means that you are probably struggling with internalized fat phobia. Now, it can be that you have put on weight. And you just know that life is going to be harder because we live in a fat phobic world. And that's absolutely true, right.
And so in that case, you probably don't have a lot of fat phobic beliefs that we need to dig into. Because you're like, I don't care about my body, my body is fine, no matter what way I am. But if you notice that you are making it mean things about you, you notice that you're feeling really bad. Let's see if we can pull up that apart and look a little bit like, okay, so what does it mean about you that you have a bigger body? And then you answer that question and see what comes up. It means that I'm a failure that I'm lazy that I'm greedy, whatever comes up. Why does it mean that you're lazy? Is that true? Is it based in reality? Are all fat people lazy? What is lazy? Oh my God, then then we're gonna go into capitalism and being like, is it okay to be lazy? And does laziness even exist? Lalalalala right, and so going into these threads of what am I actually feeling and start kind of unpacking that those beliefs that are coming up. And those beliefs that you hold about fatness. Next, grieve, get angry, or sad or whatever it is about the reality that the world is fat phobic as fuck. People do value smaller bodies in society. That's just a fact. Right? Life is easier for people who have smaller bodies for many different reasons, many different reasons that list is endless. But that does not mean having a smaller body means mean that people are better and larger body people are not as good and morally inferior. That's not the truth. But society does everything it can to reinforce that message that that is true. And so I like to think about like, do we want to be on the side of the oppressor? Do you want to support fatphobia and in turn, support sexism and classism and racism and capitalism by agreeing with the assessment that fatness is bad, and that gaining weight means you're lazy ingredient worthless and blah, blah, blah, and attractive. Do we want to be on the side of the the oppressor and these oppressive systems? No, I don't know about you, but Fuck no, I don't want to. And can we take that shame that fatphobia puts on us as fat people and direct it back out? Because that shame that you're feeling around fatness was never your shame to hold. It is a shame of a system that is using that powerful emotion that painful emotion which is shame to keep you small Literally and figuratively, figuratively, figuratively. Brene Brown, who I don't necessarily like after revealing her fat faux weariness, but Brene Brown says, shame cannot survive the light. And I remember I think about that all the time. As soon as you start. For me, as soon as I start talking about the things that I'm so deeply ashamed about, they wither, they lose strength. Sometimes they they evaporate, most of the time, it's kind of, you know, it loses its strength a little bit. So talk about it talk about how you're feeling? Can you talk about it? You know, it could be that you're just writing it out for yourself. But can you talk to someone that you feel safe with your therapist, another fat person? caveat to this, make sure that you're not talking to talking about how much you hate your body to somebody who has a bigger body? Because that's not appropriate, right? Because then, what does that make you? You know, you're making someone who do the labor who is experiencing fatphobia worse than if you have a smaller body? So yeah, it my preference is to talk about it with someone who is who has privileged that, you know, sighs privilege. And, and gets it right, or my therapist, and I know therapy is not available for everyone.
But talking to people who are safe, if you can. And it could be that you can say to your colleagues, hey, I was really nervous coming in today, because I put on weight. And your colleagues are probably going to be like, Oh, my fucking god, yes, me too. If your colleagues Abell ends, and obviously don't do that, because they're my below, whatever. But I bet so many people are going to be feeling very similar to you, you know, and if it might not be way it might be, oh, I've really aged in the last couple of years. The stress has really, you know, made my face look different. My mental health is not what it used to be, and I'm really struggling with, with daily tasks. How are people going to perceive me if I can't finish a whole day at the office, because my mental health is not good enough. They're gonna see me as that. And the next colleague, as long as thinking, Oh, my God, you know, since last time I was in the office, my relationship has broken up. And now I need to spend more time getting the kids from daycare. And so I'm gonna have to leave early every day and what they're gonna think they're gonna think, Well, I'm a freeloader, and I'm lazy. And, and then the next colleagues over thinking, I've put on way and is just Yeah, and not the, you know, big thing here is the world is awful. To fat people, kills us, you know,
and
should we let the oppressors win by hiding away by feeling shame. I say you know, stick it to them as much as you can. And also giving yourself the grace of this is really hard. And sometimes, sometimes I do need to just not go out or whatever. And the other thing is, the other thing is, the other thing is sometimes you need to do things which might go against your values in order to keep yourself safe. For example, this is like a little example, wearing shape where you might intellectually be like, You know what shape we're fucking Spanx can kiss my ass. They're just, it's just fat phobic as hell. It's just making people squeeze their bodies into unrealistic beauty ideals. They're uncomfortable, they suck. But if I don't wear Spanx, to this wedding, I'm not going to be able to wear the dress, because I don't feel comfortable about myself. Long term. I want to move away from wearing Spanx, but today, I'm not there. I'm intellectually thinking about this. And I'm deciding for my safety for my mental health for my well being, for my happiness. I'm going to wear a pair of Spanx. And it does not mean on the bad, fatty for doing that. My bad fat activist. I don't believe in fat liberation. It means that the This is what I knew I need to do to survive this thing. And to feel okay. That's okay. Right? We don't want to be, like forcing ourselves to be these perfect. People, because it's just not real, right, it's not going out burn. So whatever you need to do, even if it goes against, you're kind of where you want to be. That's okay. That's okay. And that's the whole kind of, you know, I think about white supremacy and the idea that we need to, you know, sense of urgency, and we need to be in perfectionism. And we need to, you know, decide that we're going to accept our bodies and, and do it and be perfect about it. And, and not only is that white supremacy culture, but it's not realistic, you know, it's not realistic. And what it does is it breeds shame. And it makes us feel like shit. And I think we've all had enough in our lives of, you know, things making us feel like shit, right? So, if you need to do whatever you need to do, just do it. Okay, you got my permission, not that you need. Not that you need my permission. But there you go, you have it. Okay, so let's
round
up. Let's round up. I've got this hair on my face. Like underneath my lip. And sometimes I feel it. It's like a long hair, but I can't see it. And the day that I can find it, it's just going to be such a joyous day. I know about you. But I know a lot of you because I've asked on Instagram. If you're gross like me, and you love things like pimple popping and earwax removal, and, you know, all that type of stuff. And the main reason why I want a partner is so that I can pop their pimples and the only reason I wanna romantic partner? No, not really not the only reason is because I don't have any of that stuff. Like I don't have like, I'm not not really Harry, I don't really get spots. I bought a camera to look inside my ear because I have eczema in my ear, hoping to see some beautiful stuff in there. You know, maybe I'd like a dead spider or something cool. Nothing. My ear canals, a pristine read from eczema, but not even dead skin. It's so annoying. You know, I don't get ingrown hairs. I don't have anything cool on my body. It's so upsetting. I can't believe I haven't checked that organ camera, my microscope thing and was like looking at my pubes to try and find like something going nothing. Nothing. But anyway, the only thing that I might vaguely get is like, you know, random long hair on your face. That is just like Christmas day for me because it isn't, it doesn't happen often because it has to grow without you seeing it for it to get long enough for it to be classified as a long hair. And so, you know, I'm always like all Is today the day that I find that long hair that I haven't been able to see until now. And it's like a once a year occurrence really is I got excited when I was getting ready today because I saw this black hair on my face. But it turned out it was just I know Dougal hair or something and it was just so you know, my heart leaped with joy. This this site and immediately was disappointed when I touched it and it just fell away. To you what if you know anyone who were I think I need to start a career in cosmetology or something. You know, waxing, waxing vulva is so that I can go about with the you know, get that microscope out and get like the ingrown hairs or, you know, my dream my dream is having getting a partner and then getting a botfly that would be I mean, that's not gonna happen. But you never
know dreams could come true.
Because I you know, they'd be like, I need to go to the hospital to get this botfly out. But like bitch, no, you don't. I've watched 75 hours of butterfly removal videos. I've got your I've got the Vaseline. We're gonna cover up. Just suffocate the bot fly tomorrow. We're gonna pull it out. It's gonna be great. Maybe you might want to let it live for a little bit longer. Let it get bigger. You know? If I'm feeling A bit mean about it. Anyway, anyway, what was I talking about? I was getting on to the round and up what we're talking about today. Sorry if that like really upset and grossed you out? Yes, I'm just I'm just you know making people think that I'm a bad person today I'm talking talking shit about this guy's breath and now talking saying horrible things about why I want a partner anyway. Yeah wouldn't leave me Will you leave me a review on on the on the internet would ya and put my name in there Vinny VI and YVI ny. Yeah, it just it makes me kind of sad when people presume it's vi N ie because I E is a feminized version. And I want it to not be feminine, I want it to be masculine, and I want it to be gender neutral. And I want it to not be feminine. So v i n n y p isn't
hearing curl, Sharon? Okay, let's round it up.
So seeing people after gaining weight, and what can we do? What can we do about this? So first thing I want to point out is that people do judge people do think that bigger bodies are not as worthy. Okay, we live in a violently fat phobic world. And the reality is, life is more difficult if you weigh more. So in regards to judgment, there's three things that are going to happen when someone judges you, they're going to judge you negatively, they're going to judge you positively. They're going to judge you like they don't get they don't care. They're not thinking about it. They're thinking about what to make for dinner? Or maybe they're worried about you judging them. So if someone is judging you negatively, what does that say about them? If someone's judging you positively, what does that say about them? We can't control what people are thinking in their brains. I wish, I wish we could. We can't control what people are thinking in their brain brains. But the idea that we need to stop living our lives for fear that people are going to judge us negatively, is letting the oppressors win letting the biggest win. And so we can do certain things to support ourselves in this process. So first, we can support our mental health when we're doing this, we can do things to help with our self care. We can surround ourselves with people who love and accept you for no matter what you weigh, and people who are fat positive. Next, we can interrogate our own internalized fat phobia and see if we can pull out some of the stuff that we may be thinking, what do you believe that having a bigger body means about you? Does it make you a bad person? Does it make you unattractive? Does it make you unhealthy, you know, these are these are beliefs that you have. And if that's the case, we can start pulling them pulling that little thread and seeing what's underneath under there and see if we can start untangling that fat phobia. And finally, grieving and feeling angry and embracing that and the sadness that the reality is that the world is fat phobic as fuck. And that's not okay. How can we take that shame of fat phobia and stop it from being something that's internalized and push it back out to where it belongs. And that is with the oppressive systems that say that having a big body is bad. Shame cannot survive the light as Brene Brown says. So talking about this with people who are safe could be really helpful for you. Okay, so that is our episode today. I hope you had fun hanging out with me and I hope the sound is better as I'm stroking the mic so maybe you can feel this feel this here this me the the mic has got like a thing around it and it's lifted up a little bit and I want to pull it off anyway I won't I won't I won't talk I don't want all right. Okay, so I guess I'll see you in the next episode. All right, goodbye. Stay first fancy See you later crocodile. Oh my thanks for listening to the episode and if you feel ready to get serious about this work and want to know when the doors open to fears fatti Academy which is my signature program, where I teach All about how to overcome your fat phobic beliefs and learn to love your fat body. Then go to first fatty.com forward slash waitlist again that is fierce fatty.com forward slash waitlist to get your name on the waitlist. For when first party Academy my signature program opens
