11:58PM Jan 25, 2021
Okay, just a quick housekeeping before we get started, this workshop will have a live transcription. If you click on the link that I dropped in the chat, it will open a web browser. And you can maybe minimize your zoom and have it fill half the screen. And then have your web browser on your other half of your screen to watch the live transcription, if that's something that will help you. If not, and you just want to stay here in zoom, no worries, but that option is available for you. And let's see, Dominic is from Brisbane, Australia, and it's 10am On Tuesday, the 26th. Hello, I do have a client from there and screen and a few on the other side of the world. So welcome. Hey, Alexis from Connecticut. Welcome.
Hi, Sierra. Hey, aneesa Hey, Andrea. Hi, Kami. Hi, Alexis. So again, I have dropped this link in the chat for live transcription. If you are interested in reading along, as I talk today, you can click that link and it will open a transcription box in your web browser. So for those of you that just joined Please say hello and where are you? Watching? And joining us from today? We have Australia we have Connecticut. Where else are you folks calling in from? Tammy from cleans. Hey Cammy. Also Cammy is my assistant. So she will be in the chat. just reminding you giving you some reminders and sharing some links as we go. I will be doing a q&a session at the end of the workshop today. So hang tight with us. Hey Angela from Minneapolis, Minnesota Annapolis Oda Alexis from Flagstaff, Arizona. Heather is from California. Is it ne Naina or Nina? Please let me know how to say your name. It sounds beautiful from Jamaica. And Nita is from New York. Hello.
Okay, everybody. So we are going to get started. Can everyone hear me okay? If you can give me a thumbs up? Yes, thank you. I'm going to go ahead and share my screen and we are going to dive on in.
so welcome everybody to the workshop with my top three tips for a conscious relationship. And I am just making sure everything is running smoothly. And let's go ahead and dive on in.
So welcome. By the end of this workshop, I'm going to show you how you can make a life changing shift from struggling and stuck in romantic relationships to finding clarity and feeling free in love with actionable steps to having a healthy relationship. Just a heads up if you stay with me until the end and decide to work with me as I hope you do. I will be giving you an opportunity to work directly with me for a one on one bonus session. So stay tuned for those details after the workshop. Just a reminder, as we get started that this time is sacred for you. So please cut down on distractions. Let your loved ones know you're doing you and be ready to take notes and engage. There will be a couple times that I'm going to be asking you questions and wanting your feedback for participation. So
try not to multitask if you have that privilege, and devote this time for you. Alright, so one of the first things I want to talk about is how important connection is in relationships. Connection is the foundation to healthy relationships. And a couple of you did submit some questions to me ahead of the time of the webinar, or shared with me some relationship challenges that you're having. And I really see at the root of most of those questions are challenges with feeling connected with our significant others. And if you're not in a relationship, this still applies to maybe not feeling connected with family or friends. And in a world of, you know, COVID-19 feeling connected, are struggling with feeling connected to something a lot of us are going through. So three key things to remember for a foundation of connection one, it starts with you, the more connected you are to yourself, the more that we can connect with others. science shows us this in a research with mothers and their children, they found that the more connected a mother was with herself, her emotions her body, as measured by a part of the brain called the limbic system, which is the connection part of the brain, the more she was able to connect to or attune to her child. So it starts with us, and you're doing a wonderful job today of taking time for yourself. Number two, it's simple, but not always easy or automatic. We need to schedule time to intentionally connect with ourselves and our partners. Even before COVID life was busy, right? We were rushing from one thing to the next. Maybe you have kids involved in all the activities. And I know it can feel like a whole day or two or three goes by where my husband and I feel like we are just passing like ships in the night. And it is so important for me to be intentional. and say hey, we need some time to connect like without screens. And or I need time to connect with me. So we're going to talk a little bit why it is not easy or automatic because I know it sounds really simple as I'm explaining it. And the last thing with being connected are the benefits. more proactive communication is linked to less conflict, more feelings of intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction.
I say proactive communication, I mean, talking about the hard things before it turns into a big explosion, taking time when you're both feeling grounded, calm in a good mood to address some of the elephants in the room or the ongoing issues in your relationship. So these are foundational, healthy relationship tips I want to encourage you to implement today. All right, so welcome. I see that there are more folks that have joined. If you haven't yet, please say hello in the chat. And where you are joining us from today. I'd like to say hello to you. We've got Angela said hey to aneesa Let's see anyone else want to say hi and where you're coming from. I'm in Southern California. Specifically Brenda park where Knott's Berry Farm is if you know that I just tell people I live between Disneyland and the beach. They get that. Hey Michael from California. Hi Sharon from LA. Oh, hey Sharon. We go play back a coral from what's w ny Oh, I don't know what that is. I'm not as traveled I feel like that is some West New York is that West New York. Hey Sam from Hillsboro, North Korea. Carolina Hey, Juliet from Pomona petone. I've got family there. He Daniela from Whittier. He, hi, yes, Western New York. See, we learn things every day. Well welcome everybody. Okay, so let's see. How do you know if you're in the right place.
So if you're single
and tired of going from one unhealthy relationship to another, or if you are single and feel like you've given up on love, if you're in a committed relationship and wondering if they're the right one.
If you are
committed in your relationship, but want less conflict and stress, or less disconnection, and more intimacy, I should have put more connection and into more intimacy. You are in the right place, if any of these resonate with you. So I want to know what situation are you currently in? Go ahead. I'm going to bring the comments back up again.
Are you committed in your relationship but want less conflict and stress or more connection and intimacy? Are you in a relationship and wondering if they're the right one? If you are single and tired of going from one unhealthy to relationship to another or feel like you've given up
me know in the comments. What situation are you in? Oh, say Diego from Pomona and other Pomona. So we've got Sharon's dating somebody new Dominic is separated and wanting them back.
Nina is in a commitment and here for self development. awesome way to be proactive. Sam is committed but wants less conflict. Heather is single with a history of past unhealthy relationships. Daniela is single and tired. Yes, there's Michael hopefully here's to give you some support so you
can find dating
to be more energizing and less exhausting experience. Alexis is single. We have Alexis f who is committed dating someone new and wanting to do it right and better myself. Amazing. And needs a single and ready today.
Oh, that is exciting. Celebrating
you hoping that as the pandemic gets under control this year, we're going to see a lot of people dating and ready for new experiences. Coral ended a relationship and kind of dating but it feels unhealthy again. Yes. Let's break you out of those cycles. Michael is committed and wanting less conflict and more emotional intimacy, beautiful Angela, in a relationship want more emotional connection and intimacy. Which makes me wonder if they're the right one. Oh, yes. So Angela, pay attention especially to the first tip, which is going to help you get clarity on this. Tony is single and wanting to form healthier relationships. Beautiful. Julia is single and learning how to love myself. Yes.
in a committed relationship and wants less arguing. And you can have it kameez in a relationship, wondering if they are the right one. Awesome. So we all belong here. Welcome. I'm so glad that you are here. And definitely hoping to give you some support. So if you don't know me or much about my story, I'm Cassandra, and a little bit about my history is I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and narcissist. I'm a domestic violence survivor. I am divorced and remarried to my hunky husband, Ernie. And I am pretty woowoo. So I'm love astrology, and full moon circles and all that good stuff. So these three on the left are my kiddos, and the one on the right here is my beautiful bonus kid.
But here's what I really
want you to know is that I'm a licensed clinical social worker in the state of California. I'm a trauma and relationship expert. I have 15 years of clinical experience. I have dozens of testimonials from the last few years I've been in my own coaching business, and I help clients have life changing healing experiences. So you're in good hands. I'm really glad that you're here. And I've been where you are and I have a healthy, thriving relationship. And I know what it's like to be in your shoes every single one of those scenarios. that you shared, I have been there. And I know what it feels like to be in a relationship that's fulfilling, supportive and energizing. And such a huge key for me is that I had to believe that I deserved it. For years, I did not think that I deserve to have a healthy, fulfilling, supportive relationship.
I actually thought
long term relationships and marriage was just something that you just did and had to suffer. And that romantic relationships were just something that Disney princesses and hallmark movies talked about. But they weren't real. And if they were, I didn't deserve it, or it wasn't for me. So let me know in the chat, if you are feeling like you deserve to have a healthy relationship, or if that is something that you are struggling with, if feeling like you even deserve a healthy relationship is a challenge. Hey, Maria, post traumatic relationships, and in a new one that brings us experiences back I'm dealing with someone that has narcissistic personality and feeling stuck. Oh, Maria, that is such a tough situation. I am really glad that you're here. It is so hard once we get in those types of relationships to get out. And getting support is the first
you are here sharing your story. I'm celebrating you. So let me know with a yes. If you feel like you deserve a healthy relationship. Let me know. Dominic says I feel like or I know I deserve a healthy relationship but feel like I don't and therefore can't get one. Ooh, yeah. So there's that disconnect, right between maybe with our intellect what we know but then maybe in our heart or in those moments of self doubt, right? What we feel like we deserve a lexuses deep down I deserve it. But it's hard to remember at times, bright. Coral says I want to with my strongest self say I deserve healthy relationships. But there's so much in me that feels unworthy of it confusing. Yeah,
a journey. Carl definitely didn't happen for me overnight. I did not wake up one day and be like, Oh, I deserve like wonderful soul fulfilling love. It's a process. Diego says yes, most definitely. But I have no idea what a healthy relationship is. Let we're going to talk about that today. Yes, but sometimes it's hard convincing myself. Angela says absolutely feel deserving and beginning to heal emotional wounds to allow me to have one. Heck yes, celebrating you. Sharon says newly Yes. But before I thought romantic relationships were things to make work. And I'm dating for the first time with a new mindset that romantic relationships are things and that should feel life giving. Amazing. So that is a huge mindset shift, right? That you deserve healthy relationships, and that they shouldn't have to be things that you have to make
or relationships work. Yes, we'll talk about that. But it's not it shouldn't feel like we're trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. Heather says I deserve it. But it's hard to keep that belief all of the time. Michael says I do but there are personal issues and toxic traits that I fight with. It makes me feel and know that I do not deserve them because of who I am. Oh, Michael, my heart goes out to you. I felt like that for years. Tony said yes. After all the bad relationship stuff. Definitely. I feel like I deserve it amazing. And Nina says I deserve and have a healthy relationship but feel like I don't deserve it sometimes. who have been there? Alexis Yes. But struggling to find a partner. Hold on Alexis know your worth. And needs us says yes, I deserve it. Sometimes it's hard to remember especially after unhealthy relationships. And kailyn says I feel like I deserve a healthy relationship. But I don't feel worthy of good things which a healthy relationship would bring. Beautiful Okay, y'all, you know what I just remembered. I need to be recording this. So I'm going to stop sharing my screen for a minute. Hit that record button
and go back
to sharing my screen.
And we'll get back on track. Okay, so let's imagine what it would feel like to feel connected, seen, cherished and safe in a conscious relationship. So give me a yes. If you can imagine this. Some of you have already said yes. You feel like you deserve it. You feel like you can have it. Can you imagine feeling like people in these photos. I mean, I just loved these photos. I love the eye contact I love the proximity. To me these photos just really sure show healthy secure attachment. So let me know yes, if you can imagine yourself feeling seen connected to safe. And it's okay, if you can't imagine it, that is part of having a past history of trauma of emotional abuse or neglect of toxic relationships. It impacts our brain's ability to imagine or to visualize good things. So it's okay, if you can't visualize it or feel it today. We're going to get there. Okay. So yes, yes, but it feels foreign. I don't know how to get it back. It's difficult. Yeah, so a lot of different responses. And that is okay, you are right where you're supposed to be. So let's get into our tips. Number one, it's not all about you. Well, sometimes it is.
I want to break down
what this means. In a relationship, there are three entities. And you may have heard me talk about this before. But this is such a huge mindset shift, I have to talk about it again, there's you, there's your partner, then there's the relationship, your relationship is this third entity that exists between you too much like a business. And if one if two people are in business together, for the business to be successful, there needs to be a clear understanding of roles, responsibilities, expectations, and both people need to be showing up and doing the work for the relationship. If there's not an overall sense of 5050 time, labor and effort being put into the relationship, there's going to be resentment
The second part
to this is that the good of the company, or the relationship needs to come first. And this is so hard to remember, when we are triggered when we're overwhelmed when we're frustrated. And we're in a fight flight or freeze response. Because when we are in a fight flight or freeze response, our brain is literally functioning differently than when we're in a calm, regulated, centered, safe and connected place. So if we're in fight, flight, or freeze, our brain literally, is looking at everything in absolutes, good and bad, black and white, all or nothing. And it is almost impossible to put herself in the moment in someone else's shoes. It's hard to access empathy. And it's hard to step back and say, hey, I've got a foot we've got to focus on, the greater good, we got to find a compromise, we got to find a solution that works for both of us, it is
that you work on getting your inner self regulated, if you're noticing you're stuck in a conflict, because we can't be making business decisions when we're angry or upset, or we shouldn't be, we want to make them with a cool head with all the information. And similarly, we want to do that for our relationship, putting the needs of the relationship first. That's why this tip is called it's not all about you know, I'm gonna say sometimes it is
back to the
idea that there needs to be a 5050 overall split. Sometimes somebody is sick, someone's parent just passed away, someone just lost a job, somebody is recovering from childbirth, things happen in our lives that impact our ability to show up fully for our relationships. And that's okay, that's life. And the your partner can step up more in those moments. But sometimes we get into long term patterns and cycles in relationships of over functioning, or under functioning. So imagine two people that own a business and one person is showing up every day from the time the store opens till it closes, keeping the shop clean, dealing with the customers and then their business partner comes in once every two weeks and wants to boss them around and tell them how things should change. That's not gonna be a very happy or successful business. Right.
So If you are
over functioning and doing too much for your relationship, because maybe you're scared if I don't make all the effort. And if I don't go above and beyond, and I don't continue to initiate connection, our relationship is going to fall apart. Or if you're under functioning, because intimacy feels scary, or you're not sure how to navigate closeness, we want to work on healing those root causes. And remember that the health of the relationship needs to come first. So compromise, always, always, sometimes, you know, you're going to get your way, sometimes your partner is going to get their way. But most of the time, we're going to need to compromise. And how we do that is by sharing our desires, wants and needs. So often, people come to work with me saying, I don't know if it's me, I don't know if it's my partner, or if it's just not the right relationship, what's going on, somebody earlier shared their in that situation. And what I always say is, are you fully showing up for this relationship, not doing too much, not doing the things that they should be doing. But are you showing up fully and being honest, and giving feedback in stating what you want in need, because sometimes, we aren't communicating as directly and as clearly as we should be.
not setting boundaries. And that is your job in a relationship. That is each person's job is to speak up for themselves and take care of themselves.
The health and
safety of the relationship needs to be top of mind. So I'm going to give an example from my lovely client Sierra. And let and read her story to you. She said I was stuck in a relationship with a man that I love deeply, but who would not reciprocate within our relationship. I was in an eight year pattern of choosing partners who love me, but would not contribute to me or our household, I was stressed, burned out and been sucked dry by these partners. And the truth was that I was giving my power away and choosing to stay in this relationships. So Sierra was able to recognize that her relationship pattern was related to old childhood wounds. And after she started to set boundaries, communicate, speak up more, call out that elephant of the room and take care of herself, she saw that her partner was not open to change. And that made her feel empowered to leave the relationship. And now she is dating and meeting new people from a place of confidence, not feeling like she's begging for love and validation. So this is a great example of somebody that went from over functioning and a relationship and doing too much for the relationship for their partner. And when she reclaimed her power, and just started focusing on her and communicating boundary setting saying what she wanted and needed, the dynamics of the relationship shifted. And then she was able to get that answer that she to that question she had, which was, is this the right relationship for me?
Okay, tip number
two, getting great at relationships is a commitment be devoted to taking time, energy and resources for yourself and your relationship? So you're doing that today already here, you showed up, you made the commitment for the hour, maybe hour and a half that we're going to be honest tonight. So I just want to celebrate you in taking that step.
So I want to
know in the chat, let me bring up my little chat again. First question, how much time energy and resources are you spending towards your own healing self care and rest? So a little bit of time? Let's do it, let's say no time, a little bit
of time, or
just the right amount of time. So go ahead and comment. How much time energy and resources are you spending towards your own healing, self care and rest? So let's answer this first question. Is it no time? A little bit of time or adjust enough time? Let me know in the comments. Alexis says a little not enough. Heather's just enough. Sharon trying to do this a lot. Dominic says a lot. A lot of time but not enough yet. We've got a little a little
Michael says very
little not enough at all. Tony says just the right amount of time recently awesome. I think I'm spending as much time as I know how beautiful almost no time towards healing and no rest. Oh Diego. We got to work on that. Juliette says a little not enough. And Anita says I used to spend the right time but because of a living arrangement a little.
So there are so many
folks here that are not spending enough time. And I'm saying that is not your fault. That is not a personal feeling. When I said Diego, we got to work on that. I just mean everything about how we're raised in this culture, right. And in our society is about hustling, working, producing, being there for other people. And things like rest. Things like investing time, energy and resources into yourself may have been looked at as selfish. And we have to reclaim that we have 2021 is like, no more messing around, it's time to care for ourselves, and rest and invest in ourselves. So celebrating all of you, especially the ones that are a little and not enough time for being here. I know that took a lot and it's a big deal.
if you're in a relationship, question number two, how much time are you spending on the health and well being of your partnership? So intentionally doing dates, or having chats and check ins? Or,
you know, planning
out special things that are romantic or intimate? Finding new experiences together?
So how much
time are you spending on the health and well being of your partnership? So too much? It's overwhelming? Okay, well, then maybe we want to like back that up, right? And look at maybe there's something in me that I need to work on first, before I go into trying to focus on my relationship if it feels overwhelming. Nina says, same answer as before, more than enough loads of time. doing too much feels overwhelming. Absolutely. Yeah. And so that's where the rest comes in that that Diego talked about earlier, is needing actually sometimes to rest and have time to integrate, to play and to have fun. I want to do more, but I'm afraid it won't be reciprocated witnessing you in that. I spend a lot of time thinking about it, but not necessarily taking the action kailyn You are in my head. That was me four years. Maria says a lot. It's draining especially since my partner isn't doing anything as much as I can while trying to balance school, work and family. Yes, witnessing you Alexis with those true realities of
real world obligations,
right and trying to find that harmony.
So I want to
point out that for those of us that are have maybe feel like we're spending so much time on our relationship and that it's overwhelming. You may be in that over functioning category, right you may be doing too much as they say. Diego says Same as before, I can take the family on hikes, but the toxicity can even ruin being in the beauty of nature, my own toxic traits. Well, witnessing your honesty, Diego, I'm glad that you're here. Alright. So when I give a real story of a client I had named Charlotte, she had been married 15 years when coming to see me for marital issues. She was feeling ignored, neglected and disempowered. She was a stay at home mom with a child with chronic asthma and her world revolved around taking care of everybody else. And she worked on getting her anxiety under control and then was focused on how she did have control. She did have power she did have agency in her life, and could create safety and connection in her relationship. Because even though you only have control over 50% of your relationship, you have control over 50% of your relationship. That is a lot of influence. So here's from her testimonial, she was in a cloud of confusion, sadness, and her life fell hijacked by anxiety. My marriage was badly struggling and I was unsure of what I even wanted. And if I was capable of changing anything, I felt hopeless and frustrated. I didn't realize how much my nervous system was hijacking not only my personal goals, but the quality of my relationship as well. So we're going to talk about that in the next tip the nervous system. And her healing journey has given her clarity and strength to start repairing her marriage. And by the time we were done working together, she found herself in a much more loving and peaceful place.
this goes to show that when you take time for yourself, when you make time and investment, getting support, how doing your own inner work and focusing on your own healing and changing Without her She didn't tell her husband what what to do. She didn't tell her husband, he had to go to therapy. She didn't tell her husband like, Oh, you better do this or else. All she did was work on herself and change how she was showing up in the relationship. And that had a lot of influence. and in this situation, it helped the relationship heal. So the third tip is healing past wounds. Did you see this one coming? If you're familiar with me and my work, you know all about this.
So I'm going to tell you
about my client Portia. She was insecure and her ability to communicate and relationships as well as struggling to voice what she wanted and deserved when it came to healthy relationships.
She had just gotten
out of a traumatic breakup and herself confidence was shot. A lot of this had to do with working and healing my inner child, I had a lot of abandonment issues I had never addressed before. And after doing her healing with her inner child working on those abandonment wounds, she was able to find confidence. In dating, she was able to connect with her intuition and know instantly if they're a right fit, she was able to reclaim her voice and share what she's thinking. She had been of a bit of a people pleaser and not speaking up early on in relationships before. And she has been able to even handle rejection better, because she knows that she's got herself and is taking care of herself. Healing past wounds includes our nervous system, attachment wounds, inner child wounds, intergenerational trauma,
our intuition, and learning new healthy relationship skills. So to truly thrive in love is bringing ourselves with vulnerability and courage to a relationship. This feels absolutely risky if being vulnerable has never been safe. If the people that raised you weren't safe people, if you have past relationships with narcissistic or toxic people,
much saying Oh, doing the thing. Do the thing that horrifies you, right. And it can feel super overwhelming. But with support and healing, you can bring your beautiful whole healed self to relationships.
I want to know, do you see how powerful it can be when you learn about relationships? Make them a priority and do your own healing work? Let me know in the chat. If you can see why these three tips are so essential, Dominic says yes. Sharon says have experienced that. Yes, awesome. Definitely. Relationships are great mirrors. Ooh, absolutely. I really believe that relationships are when we have the right self awareness and tools and communication skills. We can absolutely heal. And I see a quick question. Yes, the replay is going to be posted for you to watch through the end of the week.
So you have
two options, you can keep moving on without prioritizing your relationships and your healing say stuck in the same patterns and more time goes by, or you can say yes to support and the healing work to get the love that you want.
So I want
to invite you to my program, thriving relationships after trauma. I'm really excited for this program. It's the only online program that helps you heal past wounds so you can get unstuck. Find clarity and the freedom to have the relationships that you deserve. You're going to experience less stress and struggling on your own more inner peace and power, you're going to get the knowledge and tools to heal those past wounds. get unstuck and find clarity and love and reclaim your worth and get what you deserve and love. For those of you that said, Oh, I have a hard time imagining myself in a healthy relationship or a white struggle with that inner doubt that I deserve it. This will support you. So here is an overlook of the modules that are in the course it is an eight week program. Because this work is deep. There are no quick fixes with this. So it does take eight weeks to go through but I try to keep it really accessible and achievable. Because I want you to have success. Module One how our pact impacts our past impacts our present. Module Two reclaiming your power module three, your you and relationships, your attachment style, and how to heal module four is breaking free from old beliefs. module five is you are worthy. So doing work to heal those old stories and release them. module six is the one you've been waiting for. This is our inner child healing module. Module seven is communicating like a boss. So learning those strategic communication skills, and module eight is conscious relationship strategy. So what are things you can actually implement as you're dating or into your long term relationship or marriage that are going to set you on track for success, I organize the modules in this reason, or in this order, because we need to do our inner work in those first six weeks. So then we can actually implement the tools that I'm going to teach you in week seven, and eight. The total value for these modules is $400. And I'm also including bonuses.
I've never done this with a self study course before. But you will get daily support and access to me and other group members on a private Slack channel, you're going to get a bonus workshop on healing intergenerational trauma. And you're going to get a weekly q&a with me. So you'll be able to submit questions to me every week that I will answer and provide to you. And the total value of the bonuses is $550. So the course, and the bonuses total value is 950. But I'm actually selling the self study course for 399.
Now I have another
option for those of you who are women and femme identified who want more support. And this is my life group coaching program, this program sold out three times last year. And you can go to the website, I'm going to post in the next slide. And see just a ton of testimonials from women in this program. This one includes to our to our live group calls weekly for the eight weeks of the group program. spots are really limited for this because I want to really give those of you that want to go deep that want to do this deeper healing work with me, the time and space to do this. And the value of these groups is 12 $100. But I'm going to give selling it today for 999, which is the same rate that I sold this program at last year without all of these bonuses. So I'm really trying to keep this program and working with me as accessible as possible. So there's a couple of options here, you can go to Cassandra solano.com, forward slash course right now to sign up. And you'll see there's two programs and payment options. So again, the self study option is going to be the eight week workshop of workshops and workbooks, the slack support the bonus intergenerational trauma workshop and a pre recorded weekly q&a. And you can do that for two payments of 199. You can also join the VIP group program, which includes eight two hour group sessions. So that's 16 hours of group time with me on Saturday mornings at 9am. Pacific. And you can do that for two payments of 499 for payments of 250 or one payment of 999. So you can head to Cassandra solano.com, forward slash course for all of the course details and to check that out.
We're going to get
to the q&a and about five minutes. So sit tight with me guys, I really want to answer your questions. I want to share that I am not extra special. I grew up in an alcoholic, narcissistic home and my daughter of an immigrant can track back generations of trauma in both my parents lineages and came into adulthood about as ill equipped as anyone could be for relationships. But what I did have was a little bit of courage and hope that I could have a real soul fulfilling relationship. And I know if I can do it, so can you I really didn't think I deserved it that I could have it. But I found other women like me on my path that had the experiences that I had and had overcome them. And that's why I know this is possible for you.
I am offering
for the first time a money back guarantee for my programs. So if you I'm looking for action takers, not tire kickers. So if you're really ready to commit, I will sign up. You will have access to the first module on February 1. And if you are not satisfied or were expecting something else from the program within 10 days of the first module being released
Just send my team an
email at Hello at Cassandra solano.com. To refresh request a refund outlining what you tried and what you were looking for, and that maybe you didn't get from the program. It is as simple as that.
and I did mention at the very beginning of the webinar that I was going to have one on one opportunity bonuses.
can go to Cassandra solano.com, forward slash course. And if you sign up with the pay in full option for the self study program, by tomorrow night,
you will get a
free 30 minute one on one session with me. If you had to Cassandra solano.com, forward slash course,
sign up for the pay in full option for the VIP group program. That's the one with the 16 hours of live group coaching. By the end of the day, tomorrow, you will get a free 60 minute one on one session with me as a bonus, this bonus will not be offered again. Although I will be closing doors for this program. On February 5, this next 24 hour period is the only time to grab this bonus. Okay, so just a reminder, you can head to Cassandra Solano comm forward slash course. And there are two payment, sorry to program options, the self study option, or the VIP VIP group for women and femmes and you have payment plan opportunities. Both programs include the Slack channel support, which is a private online like chat room, where you can ask me questions, check in support each other. Both options include the bonus intergenerational trauma healing workshop, and weekly q&a.
you showed up here today, because you want a different, better, healthier experience for yourself in relationships, you're tired of the stress, the conflict and the heartbreak. And maybe despite all the helpful therapy posts on Instagram, you're still feeling stuck and unsure of how to get free.
And that is why
having support is so key because you're born to feel connection. And it's your birthright to experience safe relationships, even when you've experienced past traumas.
So maybe you've tried
other healing modalities, and I know everything you've done, I know every
you know, yoga
class and meditation retreat and workshop and self help book that I read over a decade helped me in some small way. But it wasn't until I really started working with somebody with a trauma informed perspective, and felt safe with a high level of support, that I got unstuck that I was able to unlock that key inside me to make the changes that I needed to make in my life to change. So I know that we can do this together. One last testimonial from a group client from last summer and then we will open for q&a. So this is Lindsey and she joined up for the group program last summer. She says we were a few months into the pandemic and I felt so lost and alone and overwhelmed and untethered. I didn't know what I was looking for. But I had a feeling that Cassandra kids helped me find whatever it was, the eight week program was fantastic and paved a solid comprehensive foundation for self knowledge and self healing, healing. That incorporated everything from Nervous System regulation to repairing teen to intergenerational trauma. I learned so many tools that I continue returning to as I navigate emotions, relationships and experiences.
so we are going to go ahead and start with the q&a. So I'm going to pull up the chat and see if any questions came through. Okay. Michael says I want to learn as much about that to show my partner I can want to prioritize our relationship and work on myself to better the relationship myself. Awesome.
seems like this is going to be hard, but if the end result can save my relationships, I'm up for it. Absolutely. You know, I feel like we are relationships. I'm going to turn my little thing here. Our relationships deserve for us to show up
best and to do our best I can not guarantee, doing this work is going to save your relationship. I don't have a crystal ball. But what I do know is that when we do our own inner healing work, we are going to get the clarity and you will come to the truth, you will come to that clarity that, oh, okay, this is a relationship for me or this one isn't. And I know for me, before I got my first and knock on wood, only divorce. I told myself, I want to do everything that I can to try to save this relationship because breakups divorce, especially with kids are no joke. So I told myself, I'm making a commitment, I don't want to leave any stone left unturned. And I want to make sure that I am doing my work. So if I walk away, I can walk away with my head held high
knowing that my conscience is clear that I really showed up. And I communicated I set boundaries, I did all the things that I needed to do to try to save that relationship.
asking this course seems like it would not only prove helpful for relationships, but for self betterment. Overall, would that be right? Yes, absolutely. So I focus on relationships, because that's just my specialty. And I really see relationships as the thing that brings us the most pain in life, and also can be the biggest source of healing in life. So,
cut goes into so many areas of life, career, dealing with our parents, parent teen ourselves, if you're a parent, relationships, so absolutely.
let's see if there are any questions, I'm going to go ahead and check the chat and see if any came through earlier. And please feel free to ask your questions while I'm here hanging out with you.
Let's see. Okay,
I'm gonna take a quick sip of water. Okay.
So how do you
deal with a significant other that doesn't respect boundaries, I'm consistent and hold the same values and expectations all the time. But he pushes it to no avail. It just frustrates me. Yeah, so when we set boundaries, and we'll talk about this in communicate like a boss.
But again, it's
important that you are being consistent, which it sounds like you are, and that you have a follow through. So it's not a threat. But it's if this boundary isn't respected, then this is what will happen. And that we're being really clear on the consequence. Or what we will do if a boundary is not followed through on or not honored or not respected. This is not punishing, right. It's like, it's just accountability. And if you showed up showing up to work every day, like, it would probably be you wouldn't have that job for very long, right. So it's just kind of natural cause and effect. So we want to be clear of what will happen, I will have to end this conversation, I will have to walk out I will have to fill in the blank. And then you actually follow through on that. Because if they are pushing, pushing, and then you kind of like, eventually given or we call it collapse in the nervous system, and it's just like, okay, whatever, it's fine, then that's reinforcing. And Lisa says any tips on avoidant anxious attachment relationships or in other term tips for someone who is really ready to date, and a person who feels ready, but it's hard for them to open up?
Let's see. So
I'm trying to see if I can answer this clearly. So the third week in our in the program, we are going to go a lot into depth into attachment styles, which is pretty much how you were attuned to or not as a child has really shaped and impacted how you connect with other people.
if you're saying that you're ready to date, but it's hard for you to open up, that's okay. Let's like first drop the judgment around that. And then and just move into some compassion and acceptance for ourselves and where we're at. And then the second thing I would Se, is to go slow. So imagine like on a bull's eye, right or like the target, you have these rings, and on the inside of the ring, and anyone can do this, like get out a piece of paper and do this activity. If things like opening up or self disclosure, or maybe you're a person that discloses too quickly, when you're meeting people plot out kind of like things about you and put in the center of the bullseye like you're very most intimate. Like, maybe nobody on the planet even knows, or you think you're going to go to your grave with it like secret, right? And then it's like, ooh, things that are like intimate, but maybe like one or two of your closest friends knows about it. And then things that are like, Oh, that was kind of embarrassing, I would really not like to advertise it. But you know, like, it's a known thing about you, and kind of like, plot out on these rings, like things about you. And on the outside ring? Are those things that are really obvious or known? Maybe where your parents are from maybe? What's your cultural identification, your education? What do you do for a job, right? So we want to start when we're meeting people with those things that maybe feel safe. And we should actually start with just those things that are kind of safe before opening up too much. And letting people prove through their consistent action over time that they are a safe person? Is there a lot of overlap in the content with the head in the heart community courses? Great question, Angela. So I do have a monthly membership program called the head in the heart community. And I will say that probably two of the modules are going to be similar to what's in the head in the heart community that I have planned for 2021, the attachment module, which is coming out in in two months, and then the there's a family module that we already did, that's going to be some similar, something's different. So the main difference really is like there's six other modules that are new content. And then you if you do the group, you get two hours with me coaching and we build community and support in a very different way than we do in the membership program. Do you have any advice on different communication needs? My partner needs a lot more constant communication, where I do great with consistent communication, but like more independence on a daily basis? So really good question, because there is a middle ground here, right? where a person maybe that needs like a lot, a lot of
and reassurance on one end. And then a person who is like, more independent and doesn't need as many touch points, doesn't need as much contact. So that is something to have a conversation with your partner around, of where what can be the middle ground for us. What is like a good amount of connection or letting somebody know ahead of time if somebody is going to make plans or do something.
these are like conversations that again, back to that first tip, we need to have proactively right? Or when we're kind of calm and in a good mood just be like, hey,
like, let's talk
about like how much we need to communicate to feel safe and connected, because it feels like we're on different levels are in different spaces with that. And we can actually talk about that. I always say it's so ironic that you go to a job and usually the first day or two, like all of your duties and expectations are outlined.
But then when it
comes to our relationships, we're just like flying in the dark, right? And we actually don't just have these very unsexy, but so necessary conversations. And I really believe when we have these conversations as awkward or as comfortable is what like, I'm going to why am I going to bring something up right now we're having a good day. But that actually creates the safety and the intimacy that you want in your relationship. That's going to create more sexy time later on, right? Because when we feel safe and connected, we want to be more intimate. Michael says I'm in a relationship that was healthy and my partner opened up to me about past experience and there was
that was there and
I hurt her out. But when both of our lives got hard, I damaged the relationship by treating her in bad ways, and treating her in ways she felt past I did not change myself or my actions. Until I pushed her fully from our relationship, I'm trying to change and do what I need to do to change my internal issues such as narcissism and egotistical attitudes.
What can I do while in the relationship to take steps to heal the relationship and myself? So I would definitely suggest, Michael, that you work with a provider.
Because it really is.
I don't I I get a little like curious when people self described themselves as narcissists, but are asking for feedback or wanting to change, because most times, at least, like a full blown clinical narcissist will not do that. But we all have this as a whole other talk. But we all have narcissistic tendencies and maybe on a spectrum. And if you're seeing where, you know, things like empathy or connection, have been a challenge, I can almost guarantee you that's rooted into like some early childhood experiences. And that is where doing that inner work can be so so helpful. Because for you the work is to learn how to feel safe being close to people, and connected. Tonya tips for regulating and a nervous system, I can't add a DA or Oh, mediate every other hour every day. So this is work. And this is the word. No, we can't stop and meditate every hour of every day. But we do want to be checking in with our bodies and checking in with ourselves frequently throughout the day, to help us heal our nervous system. And there are a lot of other tools and ways that we can do that, besides meditating. A lot of ways to include movement, a lot of ways that include, you know, breathing, doing a really quick breathing exercise that can take you less than a minute. So I teach a lot of these tools in the program. But there are so many other ways besides meditation, then you can like help to regulate yourself. And then in the broader long term, kind of perspective, we can do those little things to help us like regulate, which means kind of ground center calm our energy throughout the day. But as we do our inner child healing work, as we have safe relationships, we're not going to feel so up and down all the time. Over time, those moments of feeling in fight or flight energy can feel a lot less pronounced. And instead of like a crazy roller coaster, it's just like, the little kiddie ride at the amusement park. Because that's just life. And that's normal. Okay, you are so welcome. So Angela, the deadline to sign up for the program is going to be February 5. But to get the bonus for a one on one session with me, you'll need to sign up and pay in full by tomorrow night. Any advice for someone who wants to dive deeper into thought processes, belief system, past experience?
dating somebody who isn't like that? Or doesn't enjoy it? Yeah, so I would just meet that person with curiosity, right? We don't always date people that are on this, like healing journey or interested in these things. And sometimes people go through life without having to do all of this stuff. You know, maybe they had a great parenting experience, and they're just cruising. So we don't, we don't know. And I don't assume to know like, or that everybody has to do this, like deep soul healing journey, although I think it's really helpful and really great, obviously. So let's just meet that person with curiosity. So asking them questions like, Well, what do you think about this? or Why do you think people do that? Or,
I'm wondering, like,
you know, why
are these patterns this way? Or what do you think about why people act like that? And just be curious and ask questions. They may have a whole internal framework in their head for like, spirituality, or why the world works the way that it does or why people work the way that they do. And we just want to be curious and ask questions. Michael, would you say your eight week course can help me to become more open and not so afraid to connect emotionally and become more open to changing those issues with empathy and connection? Absolutely. And what's so great, that I always try to implement in my work is that you We're taking actionable steps every week towards those goals. And I will not push you with the deep end of the pool. I'm a big advocate of like, let's just weighed in on the shallow end. And like as we adjust, we can take bigger risks, we can be more open and vulnerable. But our nervous system actually likes small consistent action and change. So get support, whether it's this course or another opportunity or working with a provider. I really want to in court encourage you, Michael to get some support.
Okay, tips for
someone whose parents did not model a healthy happy relationship. I feel like I need a reframe to see what good relationships can actually be like. Yes. So I actually just did an Instagram Live last night with some traits of healthy, secure relationships. And sometimes I tell my clients to look for examples. It sounds silly, but I really believe in the power of like movies and like TV, to evoke emotion to open our minds. So healthy couples in movies and TV isn't like always an easy thing to find. Right? Especially with a lot of you know, reality TV and stuff like that out there. But like, like the couple in this is us, the the Mandy Moore, that couple you know, they have a really healthy attachment. Grace and Frankie on Netflix, those two women have a great healthy, secure attachment to each other and they hash things out and give hard have hard conversations. And, and so do their ex husbands who are together in the show, it's part of the story. They have a great secure, healthy relationship as well. So that's another show. Sometimes we just have to like See, see it and see examples.
Hi, Maria. How are What tips do you think are okay, and knowing when to leave a relationship that seems to consume me and my daily life and activities? Would it help to stay with a partner that clearly does not respect me and my boundaries at the moment and lets his mom control the relationship as well, in law issues. Being with him seems toxic, and him allowing his mom to control the relationship does not help as well. I can feel conflicted and stuck, not sure if it's worth staying or leaving.
Yeah, Maria. So
I'm gonna refer back to some of the examples with past
I've worked with, where it's really a process and leaving a relationship is not a decision that we should take lightly unless you're being like, harmed or abused and need to get out. And there are resources and support out there for that. But for us to get that clarity, again, is about doing our inner work, right, tip number three, like healing your stuff. So we can do tip number one, which was, you know, communicating and making sure we're showing up fully for our half of the relationship that we're not over functioning or under functioning. And that requires tip number two, that you're taking time for yourself and your healing and making yourself a priority.
that you are you seeing the Wizard of Oz, this is always the example I give with my new clients. And you're Dorothy at the beginning of the movie and the tornado, her she has a dream, and her whole house gets in a tornado. And she sees like the cow flying by and it's just a whirlwind. She's very discombobulated. This is many of us when we're in an unhealthy relationship, me for 20 years. Okay? So it's so important for us to do this inner healing work. And what that does is it calms down that tornado, it puts everything back on the ground. So we can say,
okay, like, this
is my stuff. Mm hmm. This is his stuff, okay. Oh, this is like my stuff that I need to be working on more, I need to be setting some stronger boundaries or communicating more directly or doing more self care, right, because maybe there's some of your stuff that you're not tending to or taking care of. or and you're doing too much of like trying to control or you know, over function in the relationship. So it's really important to get really clear on what's actually happening. To get clear that you are fully showing up for your half of this relationship. Like I said, before I left my first marriage. I wanted to make sure I was leaving no stone unturned before I made that decision. To leave. And once I really showed up from my half of the relationship, not doing more and not doing less, that clarity, it just it came, it was revealed the truth about that relationship. And in that example, the reason I outgrew the relationship, the relationship was no longer in alignment for me. But for many of my clients, it actually improves the relationship when they do their inner work. Okay, so I don't see any other questions coming through. If you are following me on Instagram at Cassandra underscore Solano and have any questions about the course, either the self study course or the VIP program, please don't hesitate to DM me, I would love to answer your questions. Again, remember, I do have a 10 day money back guarantee. And you can sign up at Cassandra solano.com forward slash course. I would love to connect with you if you have other questions. Okay, everybody. Well, I am looking in the chat and I'm not seen any other questions tonight. And we actually got this done a little bit faster than I thought. So the replay link will be sent out to you. Tomorrow, I'm gonna probably post this replay on my website, and you'll be able to access it. And you are so welcome, Angela. Okay. Michael, what is some inner work advice real quick, so sorry. Okay. So that goes back to healing our nervous system, healing our attachment wounds, learning positive relationship skills and communication skills. Doing the inner child healing. Okay. So getting support, whether it's from me or somebody else, like, I'm not for everybody, I understand. Maybe you go through your insurance and find a provider. But getting support is key. Okay. You are so welcome, Alexis. And just a reminder, if you want that bonus one on one session with me sign up before midnight tomorrow night, for either the self study course or the VIP group option. Okay, everyone, you are so welcome. Thank you so much for your time celebrating you for showing up for yourself. For this time, tonight's a real big freaking deal. You're showing yourself and your inner child that they matter, and that they're important. So you are doing an amazing job being here. You are welcome. And Maria, this court, the course I offer it is for you if your partner wants to also take it along with you, that is between the two of you. But the whole premise of my work is that when we again, work on ourselves and shift and change our 50% of the relationship, it changes the relationship it has to I cannot predict how it will work out. But always always starting with us. us being the like example. You know, a lot of times people are like my partner doesn't want to do this or that and I'm like, Okay, well are you doing this or that? And they're like, oh, like okay, then so your role. You want your partner to go therapy, you go to therapy, you know, and you will see how the dynamics and the relationships change. So I hope to see you in the course Maria. Alright everyone, take care of yourselves. I will talk to you soon. DM me on Instagram. If you have more questions about the course I'm happy to answer them. And I will talk to you later. Bye everyone. Alright, I'm done.