Welcome to the universe is your therapist. We are your hosts, Dr. Amy Hoyt, and Lena Hoyt, we are sisters. Take a seat. And let's dive into this week's episode.
We are back with another episode today. We are excited to talk about this topic, which seems to be on everybody's mind. And I think is pretty interesting. And the question is, does everybody have trauma. And the way I think about it, Wendy, is that having had a traumatic experience does not automatically make you diagnoseable with post traumatic stress disorder. And so when we're talking about trauma, in our program, I'm always talking about events that have occurred that have been so overwhelming, that we didn't have a way of coping with them. And our nervous system was so overwhelmed that as part of the result of the traumatic event, we have an altered sense of self or sense of the world. And I would say that, yes, everybody has had some events, if not multiple events, that have altered their subconscious understanding about themselves as lovable, worthy, worthwhile, valuable, that sort of thing. And so I know that some people disagree strongly. But that's the premise that I come from having started my work in 99, with abused children, and continuing work with children who have high anxiety. And sometimes the, the kids and teens I've worked with, with high anxiety, their anxiety causes trauma, because it interferes in their relationship with their caregivers. And they hear a lot of times that they need to not worry about things, and that they're being silly and that sort of thing. So the way I think about trauma is that it is something that occurs, usually in relationship. And it has a negative impact on our relationship with ourselves with others and with our higher power. What are your thoughts about trauma?
You know, it's very interesting. I was looking at some of the trauma literature recently, because I was wondering, why do some events happen to people, if it's the same event, some people might process that trauma faster, and some it might linger with them for a long time? And the same kind of event can happen to a few different people, and they all have a different degree of, of recovering from that. What do you think about that?
Well, Amy and I have talked about that in our own family. I'm the oldest of five children born to my parents. And then in my 20s, we had two different men from different families come into our family. So I'm actually the oldest of seven. And my brothers that came into our family didn't come in until they're 20. So I call my adopted brothers, except for then everyone goes, Why do you call them your adopted brothers. And for me, it's because my whole childhood was without them. But that they came into our family when I was in my 20s, that Amy and I talk a lot about how we experienced the same events that occurred in our family in different ways. And how we each have a perspective, and I remember doing my own work with my therapist in the, in the 2000s. And I remember her talking about how the role of healthy attachment plays a part and how we experience difficulties that lie in our future. And as the oldest I know, I have two and a half years alone with my mom. And I think that that was protective for me that that offered some resiliency. So that's why 50 People can be present during a traumatic event. And there can be 50 different reactions and perceptions. And nobody's right or wrong. It's it's really about how we filter events through our past. And because we all have slightly different past experiences, we all are going to have slightly different interpretations or be impacted slightly differently.
Okay, that's really interesting. So that leads me to this question. So a lot of people have experienced trauma. But not everyone is suffering from trauma right now.
We're not interested in pathologizing this it's is really very normative for humans to have difficult experiences, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who's over the age of five that hasn't had some difficult experiences. But the idea is not that we fall into this trap of saying, Well, I have trauma. So that excuses my bad behavior that's not adaptive. And it's not healthy and helpful at all. But when I understand that some of the traumatic events that occurred in my childhood are still walking with me today. And they affect the way I deal with things and how I engage in friendships, how I engage in romantic relationships, how I engage in familial relationships, that offers power, I then have the power to understand the contributors to my current behavior, and then to address the symptoms that I have as a result of those traumatic experiences.
Yeah, so um, you know, I had have experienced trauma like many people have, and I did a lot of things to try to, to manage the feelings, I was feeling like if I would get, I would have, you know, a rage, and I would just get angry all of a sudden, and it was hard to control it. Or I would disassociate and just try to like crawl under my blankets and not leave the house. And as I was working through that, it did help me I had to, I did some work, and I felt a lot better. But I still had these lingering like side effects from my trauma. And one of the things Elaine, I want to share one of my epiphany moments that you know, is with you. We were interacting and, and I was apologizing for everything. When I was undergoing trauma. When I was younger, it was helpful for me to apologize, because sometimes it lessens the blow. But at that point in my life a couple of years ago, it wasn't serving me anymore, no one was asking me to apologize if I overcook the rolls, or I made something for someone, it didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to be for them. Or if I bought someone a present, they didn't like they weren't asking me to apologize for any of those things. And Lena use it to me. You don't need to apologize for all this stuff, you need to try to stop doing that. And I didn't even really realize I was doing it. And then all of a sudden, I started listening to myself and I thought, oh my gosh, this is so annoying. I'm apologizing for one year. single thing that I do. And so that did it was very powerful for me because it helped me recognize it, and recognize where it came from, and that it's not serving me anymore. And I don't need to do that. And it might even be negatively affecting the relationships I had by doing that all the time. And so I made a conscious effort to reduce that. And I do I have to admit, I do sometimes apologize unnecessarily still, but it's not nearly as much. It's
totally nice. It's hardly ever I remember we've had a couple of conversations over the last six years about that. But yeah, you you've really been able to nip that in the bud. And it's much more enjoyable for me to spend time with you when you're not apologizing for everything. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So and it's a way to, to recognize our own humanity. Like we're human, and we are going to be silly sometimes or we're going to be foolish sometimes and to have an autonomic reaction, like out of your nervous system where saying, I'm sorry, was protective, that's really difficult to retrain your brain. But you've done that. It's super cool to see. But I
love for me that is such a powerful example. Because just what you just said, is that when you're talking about, are we experiencing trauma and it's not an excuse to just do whatever, but but there are some things that I didn't even realize I was doing that and I didn't mean to be doing that. And it was just a reactive kind of thing. And but observing like you talked about benevolent curiosity, just looking and observing what I'm doing and having you helped me, pointed out, helped me understand how to make a change,
and how how does it impact you that you're not in a place where you're automatically apologizing for things?
Oh, This is a great question, Lena. So one of the things for me is that I am not as worried about what I do, say or produce. So I mean, I want to do a good job I want, you know, to be in kind. But I'm not walking into it concerned that I might have to apologize for being myself and trying my
best. Yes. Why would think that it would free up a lot of energy,
it helps me proceed with confidence in the tasks that I am doing a little bit more confident.
Yes, that makes a lot of sense. Today in our communities, I posted about where our energy goes, like what happens to all my energy. And I was talking about how when I was first introduced to 12 Steps through Al Anon, the program that is for family members who have or for people who have alcoholics in their lives. When I was first introduced to that, it was so fascinating to me to become gradually more and more aware of how much I was trying to control things that I had no power over. And so it made me think about the expenditure of energy. And when you're on hyper alert or hyper vigilant to make sure you're not offending anybody. And so you're constantly apologizing. I think that takes a lot of energy to it's, it can be exhausting.
Yes, yeah. So how does that play into? What when we're talking about does everyone have trauma? So there's, we have people that have had trauma and are doing that. And then we have different stages, like I had these residual effects of trauma? How do I know that I'm just having a residual lingering effect that I can change? And when I need to get more help, because I'm in a higher state? Oh,
I love that. The way I think about it, that's such a good question. If you think about the idea that it is our right, and our responsibility as a human being, to have self regulation, and that word in front of regulation, self regulation is vitally important. Because what most of us have learned to do is to have regulation only through what other people will do, according to our will. So the most common example of this when I work with teens and parents is I'll hear the parents say something like, I wouldn't have to yell if you'd listen the first three times to what I asked you to do. And that is a perfect example of how we grew up in a culture that I'm not responsible for whether or not I yell, you're responsible for whether or not I yell. So if you would do things the way I want you to and the time I want you to and the manner I want you to, then I wouldn't have to yell at me may seem a silly example. But it's such a basic one, because I think we we all have some familiarity with that. I wouldn't be disrespectful to you if you weren't disrespectful to me. And the concept of being able to regulate our nervous system and our emotions from within, is one of the most freeing things that we can do when we are experiencing distress, because things aren't going the way we would like them to. Those are perfect moments, to pause. And to notice that we are being externally regulated, or allowing external events or situations to disrupt us. And the brain automatically thinks, Well, if I could just manage this situation in a way that will make me feel better, then I'll then I'll be more regulated. And that's that, that just doesn't work. Because my regulation, I want my regulation to come from within and be able to manage my reactions to things instead of having to tell people that I can only react calmly when they do what I want.
Yeah. So. So if you find yourself in this kind of situation, is it time to go, maybe seek some help to help you get more regulated or to that's what
I found helpful. I've had a lot of therapy. I've been really fortunate to have a lot of therapy. And the therapy that I engaged in as a client has been invaluable to me. It's helped shape me as a therapist, as I work with other people. But it, what it's done is it's given me a sense of competence in learning the skills, I need to have less distress. And self regulation is about being able to operate in this window where we can feel and think at the same time. And the tools that I've learned and the tools that I teach other people are designed to enhance that ability to remain in that window of emotional tolerance, so that we're not shooting up into reactivity, and we're not falling down into numbness and paralyzation. And, and if you think about behaviors that we engage in, that we find problematic, they all come from a past experience. I'm not saying they all come from trauma. But they all come from some past experience that we've endured or experienced. And I think the short answer to the question, Does everybody have trauma? In my opinion, yes. But not everybody has PTSD. And not everybody needs to go see somebody to resolve their past experiences. I found it very helpful in my own life. And now the coaching that we do on our program, the whole health web is so humbling for me to participate in because we're helping other people identify and develop skills that help them find peace and regulation.
That's awesome. That's amazing. I love it.
Thank you. Yeah, it's been a lot of hard work. And there's been a lot of pain as well. And there still is, I mean, there's still so many things that I'm still working on. Being able to develop the ability to, to notice that I'm human, and that I'm not capable of being perfect in this human state. And then recognizing I can be compassionate with myself when I do things that I think are silly or dumb or foolish. So that's been very helpful for me as well. So we hope all of you will check out our program. It's www mending trauma.com. And we have the whole health lab and we also have a monthly membership and we welcome you to check it out. And join us if you'd like to. We love doing work with people. Having each of us been on our own journey of healing. We are in a place where we're anxious to help others find their path to healing. We thank you for joining us today on this episode, and we look forward to seeing you again next time.
Thank you for listening to the universe's your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at mending trauma on Instagram, as well as mending trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show. We'll see you all next week.
