What do you feel like was the most unfair unjust thing that God did?
My mom has always struggled. I've never seen her without struggle. I never seen her go a whole year without going through something first. That was the divorce. Second was his her struggling financially. And then it was the disease being younger. I was always thinking, Okay, one day we're going to enter that Promised Land, you know, one day is gonna be flowing with milk and honey, we're going to be financially secure. My mom is gonna get remarried to someone who treats her so much better my dad ever did. I always had that envisioned in my mind. I thought it was so unfair that that never happened for her. You know?
When life is you know, it is flipped upside down, we struggle to make sense of it all. Why would a good God allow this to happen? Hi, I'm Sherrie Pilkington, your host of finding God in our pain. In early 2018, the deepest questions of my life erupted when I unexpectedly lost my husband of 32 years. Since then, I've searched the heart of God for what he has to say about pain and suffering. In this podcast, we'll discover how God enters into our pain, shepherds us through our darkest Valley and out into the green pastures. Once again, I'll bring you firsthand stories from women who will allow us into their authentic struggle, along with professional advice from experts, counselors, and others who can speak to what it looks like to navigate pain. Join me as we discover God's answers to the deepest crust our shattered heart.
When I originally recorded this episode with today's guests, Sarah Salazar, there were two things that stood out to me then, and they stay with me Even now, the strength of such a small family unit Sarah, her brother and their mom, and the influence of a mother's unwavering faith. Sara had watched her mom overcome obstacle after obstacle challenge after challenge. And she held on to the hope that they'd be able to catch that much needed break and things would level out for them and be a little bit easier. So what do we do when a health diagnosis shakes the one foundation that their mother stands on solid unwavering? This mom's faith in Christ alone was non negotiable. But what happens when the expectations we have God, our way of defining what it means for him to show up, and they're not fulfilled? In my conversation today, Sarah, who is now a young woman in her mid 20s, shares the story of her mom through the eyes of a young teen. When Sarah was 14, she received devastating news. Her mom who had scleroderma, and autoimmune disease finds out and has brought the onset of pulmonary fibrosis. It is a rare lung disease that affects one and 20,000 people. pulmonary fibrosis would scar her lungs making it difficult to breathe. Upon receiving the bleak diagnosis, her mom stepped out in faith and shared that she believed God would heal her. Sarah stood in agreement with her mom and they joined together and shared faith believing that God would heal her. And along with members in the church, they joined in faithful prayer for healing. We all know that God has promised to never leave us alone, especially in our pain and suffering. But we also have to admit that there are times that God in His sovereignty does not move the mountains that we so desperately pray for him to move. And that was Sara's experience. God did not heal her mom on this side of heaven. When Sarah was 19, she laid her mother to rest. I'll admit that unbelievers death is the ultimate healing. But what about those left behind to deal with the pain of separation? How would Sarah make sense of a good God and the reality that he did not intervene in her mother's suffering, nor did he stop her death? The good deposit that Sarah's mom made in her a fierce faith, the kind that weathered the storms and deeply painful seasons was then and is now the life preserver of truth that keeps her firmly planted on solid ground. I hope this blesses you, like it did me to hear this precious woman's story of genuine struggle, the revelations she received and what it looks like for her to arrive at a place of peace, despite her deep pain. Sarah, thank you so much for coming by today and just having this intimate conversation that I know is going to dig up pain because even hearing you share your story, it digs up some pain for myself. So I just you're precious to me, and I appreciate you deeply.
Thank you so much Sherrie for having me. It's such an honor to be a part of a podcast that kind of just dives in like the Christian life is not always cookie cutter is not always easy. It's never promised to be easy, but we can be real and raw and know that even in the midst of our pain that God is with us. So it's such an honor to be a part of this and I am looking forward to this conversation.
Our conversation today is about your mother struggling with a rare cancer. And then despite your joint prayer and agreeing that God was going to heal that was not your experience. It was not your reality. You had to say goodbye to your mother and if I remember correctly Based on our previous conversation, you got this news of 14. But what was life like before you get this devastating news.
So before the news, it was always kind of Rocky. My parents divorced when I was six. My dad wasn't a really a big part of my life. He was there, but he wasn't really there. I remember my earliest memory of my dad is just him on the couch watching TV, and drinking a beer. And that was just my picture of him. My mom was a single mom, even while they were married. They always fought a lot. It was very hard. My dad would always degrade my mom, see degrading comments make her feel less than. And as a little girl, I internalize that, but growing up when my mom when they did divorce, and my mom's set out as a single mother, she struggled a lot financially, she struggled to make ends meet. But the thing I loved about her was her faith through it all. She had such a faith about her. She would always take us to church on Sundays. And not only that she live it out at church but at home, she lived it out to she practice what she prayed. She prayed with, she loved us with the love that only God could give. And just watching her struggle financially, we had to move around a lot. We relied on food, pantries, clothes closets, to make the ends meet when she was struggling. But even through that she still kept this joy about her like God's with us through this and no matter what happens he'll, he'll be faithful. And so watching that unfold in my life, it gave me such a knack to want to know who this God was for myself. I remember being seven years old and talking to my mom, about God asking her so many questions. I think I asked her so many questions about the Bible. Even though she expressed her annoyance if you probably was like, Oh my gosh, but she she was so sweet with every answer. And if she didn't have the answers, she's like, I don't know. And she'd be honest with me, but I just wanted to know who this God was because I saw the role he played in my mom's life and how he sustained her through everything. And I was like, that's awesome. And I want that for me.
She had that joy of the Lord. When the indwelling of Christ fills us we have the benefits of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, self control. So that sounds like what was coming out in her life. She was filled, she was in love. And so that's laying a pretty strong foundation for you and your siblings. Do you have siblings? Correct, I have a younger brother. So that's a foundation that a mama is LAN. Now, when she comes to you to give you this news, tell me about that day,
he was having some health problems on and off. But it wasn't something like red flag. You know, it wasn't something super huge. But she had some other health problems in the past. So I didn't really bat an eye at it. So she sat us down. And she had told us like, I remember me and my brother was it. We were sitting down later on when she told us, Sarah, I've been diagnosed with this rare lung disease immediately after hearing that just kind of like not understanding it. I remember just having these y moments these why questions like why did this have to happen to her? Why out of every body? would this have happened to her, you know, like it this lung disease is so rare affects only one out of 20,000 people. And I remember going like, Why does she have to be that one. And feeling that way to F 14 years old, not knowing what was going to happen, not knowing what it was going to look like, it was very scary. But he was still she still kept the faith. She's like, I believe that God's gonna heal me. And let's just pray through this and know that God's going to be with us through this. And so I was just praying, we both believed like God was going to do a miracle. And we believe that this disease wasn't going to take her out. It wasn't going to be the end. But unfortunately, things didn't happen the way that I envisioned them to happen. God didn't heal her the way that I wanted. But he still did heal her. And that is the challenge though
we, we have expectations in life and we have expectations with God. And when our expectations are not met, it is pretty darn painful, to say the least. Especially in the context of being separated from someone whom you hold so dear. There's a lot of questions that come into play on something like that. When your mother gives you this information, and it's doesn't seem immediate at the moment, she's diagnosed and it's scary. And you join her in prayer to say we're gonna beat this God and God's gonna come through God's gonna answer us. At what point did you start to question God,
so at the beginning, it was very progressional it didn't like just happen all at once the disease took her over time. So at first it was just little like progressional she was just kind of short of breath. She wasn't able to walk long distances. Just like she used to, without needing to breathe and needing to like catch your breath. But over like a year, it transitioned from her not being well being short of breath to her needing oxygen tape to travel with her so she can free from that going into being in a wheelchair. And then the wheelchair going into needing an oxygen tank and a wheelchair. And so just watching her slowly decay, like her health decay in front of my eyes and being having to be the caretaker at such a young age, like I was a teenager balancing, taking care of my mom and also trying to go to school and trying to be just the kid, I wasn't able to be a kid, I had to grow really fast. I had to, I felt like I had to be strong as well, because I had a younger brother and I was like, I have to be strong for him. I have to be strong for my mom has to get us through this. We didn't have much family. And I mentioned that earlier. But we didn't have much family. My dad's family lives in Mexico and my mom's family. They're really scattered, we're really distant. It was just always the three of us, me, my mom and my brother. And so taking on that role, feeling like I had to be the strong one for them. But watching my mom go from a strong, independent woman to someone who is relying on me to take care of her. It was so heartbreaking. It was so devastating. I reached the age of 16, where she couldn't breathe. And there was one moment where she was just struggling to breathe. She was having a coughing fit, because it like the scarring of her lung tissue causes that and she was just coughing uncontrollably. And there was nothing I could do. I remember feeling so helpless, like there's nothing I can do. Like you can't just give her water and have it go away. You just have to watch her suffer. And just watching her suffer led me to that point of like, God, where are you? I thought you're gonna heal her. And it was just transition in that moment. It's like, God's not here. In this moment. I really was worried I was like, he's not gonna heal her the way I thought
to be 16. Shoulder shouldering school, being a teenager, so emotions and the pressures of being young. And then being the caregiver for your mother, whom you can't really do anything for except help her around or hand her something. You mentioned that it made you feel very helpless. Yeah, your hope. God is not showing up. Yeah, with that type of pressure on you. When did you hit your breaking point?
I remember going through that. But again, my mom was this a woman of faith, she would be very encouraging. Even in those moments where she was sick, she wasn't able to work. So we had more time to be alone together. And so she would be very encouraging to speak life into me, we had very rich moments, most teenagers push their parents away. But it was the opposite for me, we actually grew a lot closer during those times. And so I remember us having many moments where she would just pour life into me and be able to speak to me and because like honestly, it was just the two of us who really knew what was happening. I couldn't relate to her in the way that I wish I could. And she couldn't relate to me in the way that she probably wish she could. But we understood each other probably more than anybody else did. So over the course of time, she got admitted to the hospital, she had a blood clot in her lung. And she was not doing well at all. I was 80 or 90 at this point. And she was she was dying. And the doctors had come out and were like, Sarah, what do you want to do? I remember that question. as clear as day. What do you want to do? Do you want put our life support? Or do you want to take her to hospice, and I remember being like, What am I supposed to do? I have nobody to talk to you. I don't know what to do. I felt like the weight of the world was literally resting on my shoulders. I was in charge of my mom's life. And I was like, This isn't fair God. I remember going home and wrestling with that just pushing God away. I didn't pray as much as I used to. I went to church just out of respect for my mom. But I remember being at church and feeling so empty and leaving and feeling so empty as well. I remember turning off worship music when I heard it. I was pushing God every aspect of my life slowly but surely. I wasn't necessarily angry at God. But I was upset. I was hurt with God. Like I didn't understand why he would allow this to happen to someone who loved him to someone who loved his people, someone who lived her life with purpose, and she'd always struggle. Why does she have to go through this? It wasn't fair. So at that time, I remember reaching my breaking point I had sunk into such a deep depression. And I remember getting to this point of I can't do this anymore. I was literally doing this by myself. Cuz I didn't have anyone to talk to the church I was attending made feel at that moment that you're doubting God, and that's not okay. So I was like, I can't talk to people at church. I can't talk, you know, to my mom about this, she's already feeling guilty for me taking care of her, she's already feeling like, you know, I'm a burden to her. So I can't talk to her about that. I thought I had nobody to talk to. And I remember going through life and feeling so alone. And that's what resulted in me hitting rock bottom. And I remember going home one day after hitting rock bottom, after reaching the lowest of my low points, and going to an empty house, falling on my face. It was like God, I can't do this by myself anymore. I need you. And I met I remember immediately after pray that like a supernatural piece is flooded the room. And God spoke to me at that moment, he was like, Sarah, you're never alone. I was here with you the whole time. And after that encounter, I felt like this weight was lifted off my shoulders. And that piece is what carried me through the remaining days of my mom's life to her Memorial. And even afterwards, it just sustained me through. And it was knowing that I wasn't alone in that, that I'd never been alone. And I feel like sometimes we get in that mindset, especially if we have no one who completely understands where we're at, that we're just doing this by ourselves that we have to go this alone, that nobody truly gets it. But to know that God not only is with you, but he understands you.
When I hear you say that you surrendered to the Lord. And then he speaks to you. A surrender is so powerful, or at least the more I talk to people, it's at this point of laying down all that they're trying to carry. So I'm interested to know what your personal thoughts are on the fact that what is so significant at that moment when you finally surrender is our perception of him.
I feel like especially when you go through crisis or trauma or loss, when you're going through that moment, depression and all these intense emotions like anger, frustration, guilt, everything you're facing in that moment tends to shroud your perception, it tends to poison your perception of God in that moment. And you feel like God is 10 miles away, or like he's super distant, when in reality, he's as close as ever because he abides in you. But we have had this poison perception leading us through the trauma that we're in as a way to self protect. And we don't see God when he's actually there. So just knowing that the pain that you're feeling, grief, the weight of grief, it does cloud your perception in that moment. And even though you feel like you don't feel God, so many people are like, I don't feel God, you know, I don't feel him. You feel so distant. Where is it? Where is he at? And knowing that even though our feelings are always valid, they're not always true.
What a beautiful point that is, when you are losing someone to a cancer or a disease that is progressive in its overtaking your loved one. Your Are you more overwhelmed with all the decisions and 16 having to decide whether your mother was going to be in hospice or on life support? But do you even have time to grieve yet? Or does the grieving start at the point when you have to say goodbye?
Oh, yeah, so I feel like during her suffering, I was grieving. I don't think I had a moment where I could fully grieve entirely. I remember being in my bed at night and cry myself to sleep because I felt like in that moment, I could let down this facade that I had the need to be strong. I didn't have to be strong in that moment. And I let it go. But during the day, when I was taking care of her, I put that facade back up because I'm like, I had to take care of her I have to be with her in this moment. I don't want her to see me down about this, because I know she's already feeling down about it herself. I remember grieving while she was suffering grieving through that process. So when she passed, I still I still went through a lot of grief, but it was kind of also that relief that she's not suffering anymore. And a lot of people tend to have mixed feelings about that. They like Oh, why do I feel the relief that they passed for to know that you feel that relief because you know, they're not suffering anymore? And it's not necessarily a bad thing to feel that way of just like I can breathe because I know that they're okay and what I
struggle that is the relief They are not struggling. But the pain of the separation. Yeah. Is that just a process? What does that look like in order to move through that? And do you ever really move through that?
So you take steps through it, I say this all the time to those I lean in grief support. Grief is a process. There's no straight and narrow with a, there's no step a step B, step c I wish it was that easy, but it's not. Grief is different for everyone is unique to everyone. Just knowing it's going to be different for you than it might be for your sibling who lost the same parent, or your spouse who lost the same child is going to be different. And to know that there's no wrong way to grieve, you know, there's no wrong way to grieve. But while you're going through that process, I have these three keys that really helps you navigate that. Number one is avoid isolation, during grief, as a way to self protect, we tend to isolate ourselves, that's just our natural response to any trauma, any loss, we tend to isolate ourselves. But knowing that there is intentional time to be alone, and allow yourself to feel your feelings, allow yourself to grieve. But there's also those moments where you're just isolating yourself. And isolation is a traffic door for the enemy to whisper lies, to tell you that nobody cares. Nobody understands and to get you into a place of constant depression, despair. Yeah, despair. So just navigating and reaching, being intentional and reaching out to people, a lot of people who are going through loss, people always text them, like, Hey, I'm here, for you need. And our tendency is to be like, I'm fine. I don't need anything. But just to be open and honest. Like, hey, I need someone to do my laundry, hey, I need someone to go wash my car, little chores like that, and being open and honest with the people around you. And joining a group support group and being present in that moment with other people to know again, that you're not just doing this by yourself that you do have a support system. Number two is remember that group comes in waves, some days will be better than others. Some days, you're like, Okay, you know, I got my cup of coffee today, I was able to get out of bed today, then there are days where you feel like you're back at square one, something triggers you and you're just overcome with a wave of grief, to know that it doesn't mean that you're not healing. But it's just a process. Some days will be better, some days won't be so good. But to know that that's a part of the healing journey. And it doesn't mean anything less if you're still struggling in that. And then the third one is remember that grief is not your identity is not who you are. I feel like sometimes in grief, we tend to take that on as who we are, like even in the Bible with Ruth and Naomi, Ruth had lost her husband now and we lost her husband and her sons. And in the Bible, there's a scripture where she's talking about don't even call me by my name anymore. Don't even call me Naomi, call me, Mara, because it means the Lord has dealt a bitter hand against me. So she took on the pain of her grief and her loss as her identity as that the card was against her that nobody was for her. And if we're not careful, we can slip into that. But to know that our identity doesn't rest at our loss, but it rests in Christ. Our identity is God given and we have the victory over grief because we have victory in Christ. And that's who we are.
A lot of times when we are known for our pain we take on that identity of our pain. Do you think that's kicked into play? Because when trauma happens? There's an identity issue that also happens. My title of wife being stripped away? Was I now anyway, did you have any sort of identity struggle after your mother passed away?
Yeah, that is such a good. That's such a good question. Again, growing up, it was always the three of us. I was always my mother's daughter. And it's always a part of who I was. And so when she passed knowing I'm by myself and I remember coming to a place where I was like, I feel orphan because my dad's not a big part of my life. My mom's no longer here. I remember saying, I'm an orphan. And then immediately after I said that God was like, No, you're not. That's not who you are. And so just realizing that I'll always be my mother's daughter, you'll always be a spouse, your husband who passed away, that's always going to be a part of who you are, but it's not who you are, is not your soul identity, or identity is rested and resides in Christ.
The thing I learned too about my when I was struggling with my identity of Who am I now is that our titles in this life change. Yeah, people's change, roles, responsibilities, shift, shift. Move. And if we build our identity on who Christ says we are, that does not change never does doesn't matter what happens, what this life tries to label you with or what this life puts on you. Our identity is solid in Christ. Yeah, backing up just a little bit. You said earlier that you really felt like you had no one to rely on. There's no support system in the school. There's no support system in the hospital for your age. There's no support system in the church, or maybe there is, but I have found that a lot of times when you go to the church, depending on what church if you question the Lord, people step away thinking you're gonna get hit by a bolt of lightning. What was your experience?
Like I mentioned earlier, coming to a place where I was struggling, I was wrestling with these real thoughts like God, where are you? God? are you even here? God? Do you even exist? literal, real raw questions. I was wrestling with them. And during doubting is the said, you immediately want to just isolate yourself all the more because you're like, Okay, am I a bad Christian? Am I a bad Christian, for having these thoughts and these questions, and knowing that God isn't afraid of your questions, that he actually invites you to speak them to him to be open and honest with him. Because when you put your faith in the Lord, it says in the Bible that he promises to never leave or forsake you. And I don't think he will forsake you for having doubts. I don't think he'll forsake you for questioning him in the moment. I believe that in those moments, that's when he wants to really just comfort you. God's close to the brokenhearted, he saves those who are crushed in spirit and he wants to wrap his arms around you and let you know, like, hey, it's hard right now. It will be hard, but I'm with you through it.
I wonder why the church does not embrace the struggle. Because I think that's authentic.
I feel like a lot of churches, not every church, but a lot of churches kind of paint this picture. If you're a real Christian, you can't be struggling with A through Z, or you can't be having doubts, or you can't be fearing. But in all honesty, we're humans, we're going to fall we're going to struggle, and to remind people like, hey, it's okay not to be okay. You don't always have to be okay. You don't always have to be strong. It's okay. The sheer strength comes from the Lord knowing that you can be open and honest. And like we said that God won't zap you with a bolt of lightning. But he invites you to his place of rest in him. And just to be real and open with him, because he already knows, he already knows what you're struggling with. It's not a surprise to him. He already knows. I really hope churches change that misconception they have about having these real struggles and not being able to paint it with I'm okay, or everything's going to be okay. But to know even through the struggles, even through these pains, even through these why's that we can still rally around these people and let them know that they have a safe place. I feel like church should be a safe place for people to be open and transparent. And sometimes it's not always the safest place to be.
There are other churches that do embrace the struggle and give you that safe place to ask some tough questions. And I think that's relationship though a healthy relationship. And with Christ, we're always in a healthy relationship, even when we show up unhealthy, but he is always welcoming our questions and to dig into him about what in the world are you talking about? Your Word says this, this is not what I'm getting when you're in pain, and it's just coming out and like raw form. It's not pretty. It's it's ugly. And it's disrespectful. But God is never offended, never Yeah, about how it comes out. I think it gives him an opportunity to reveal himself to show himself to give us an answer. To be with us some maybe I get it a little bit about the churches when they're saying, or maybe they're trying to say that God is good. God is there, he's not gonna leave you. He's there. But if you don't have the opportunity to question him, how do you really know? Because if you give him the Syrah, you're all mad and you're not going to talk to him about it. What gets resolved? Yeah, I love that you are real with God. And, and I believe that's part of the processing, questioning, struggling, as you were pushing God out of your life. In the time when you were feeling you are not showing up. This is not worth it to me or whatever your personal way to verbalize that was. Did you ever experience or perceive that he was still pursuing you? Did you see any ways that he showed himself or offered something or made something available?
Again, I feel like God, in those moments, he spoke a lot to me through my mom, I had that strong facade like I'm okay, I'm doing all right. And I'll never forget I was struggling but I was keeping up this facade, keeping it up. So I can make sure that everybody else was okay. If she was in the hospital is sitting in the hospital checking with her to make sure she was okay. She saw right through my facade, I could not hide it. She's like Sarah was wrong. Talk to me, are you okay? And in that moment I broke down. In those moments, my mom spoke to me I heard God, just knowing even then he was still reaching out to me, even then he was still offering me that peace,
your mother's heart for the Lord made her that vessel in order for him to work through her and for you to perceive him in her relationship, in his dwelling of her. And that is a beautiful thing to have access to, and a beautiful thing to perceive. Because sometimes I think we are and maybe I'm only speaking from my experience, there are times when I can be very absorbed with what I am struggling with or upset about. And I miss God, I miss the times that he reaches out to me or offers me something, his peace, his presence, and I miss it. I wish I were more perceptive in instances like that. So for you to pick up on the fact that even in your mother's struggle, she's still reaching for you. But that's a mother's heart too.
So sometimes in those moments, you didn't know that God was there, or he was present with you until you look back on it. Looking back, you're like, this is how God was speaking to me in my pain in that time. And I just now realize it right now. And sometimes I'll just bring that back to your memory or give you a revelation of that moment. In that
time period, when you are really struggling. And you've got no real help at church, you've got no help at school, there's nobody in the medical field who's come to your aid to help you navigate your mother's health care. You're between 14 and 19 years old. What got you through was there a scripture that you would hang on to even despite the struggle with God, maybe an underlying struggle with God, but you're still trying to hang on to something, anything help you keep afloat?
Even though there are some times at the church where I didn't feel like I could completely Be honest with everything, I did have some support from the church, I had friends and people check in with me to make sure me and my brother were doing good. So that was helpful. It's just they didn't really understand. But they really they did really help us through that. But the scripture that really stuck out to me Deuteronomy 31, six, for the Lord of God goes with you, He will never leave you or forsake you. And then john 1633, I have told you these things so that in me You may have peace, in this world, you will have trouble but take harder for I've overcome the world just said well on that in this world, you'll have trouble in this world is not going to be easy in this world loss is how it happens and pain happens. But to know that he's already overcome that. And again, we've already been giving given the victory over that and through it, and that he's walking with us through it.
That's the hope that he gives us in the midst of pain and suffering. He throws those those lifelines and reminders that it's temporary, painful as it is, I have overcome that. I have a solution to that. I have a way to reunite you. And so follow me. It is what you hang on to can you speak to if at all? Because I'm assuming here a lot here when I say this? Can you share with me anything about your experience with God's peace that surpasses our natural ability to understand,
in those moments, when I was feeling hopeless feeling at the end, I remember coming to a place. It was such a low place where I was like, if I went to sleep, and I didn't wake up, I would be okay with it. But the peace that God just gave me not only was for that moment, but it's sustaining is the staining. That's how I believe that it goes far beyond what we could ask or think of like his piece of supernatural. And it's your passes, like you said, all understanding is because it sustains and it's with you and it keeps you and even when you face difficulties and trials. There's that piece that's just present with you is like I'm here. I'm here. I'm here, daughter, I'm here, son, I'm here. And that is a piece that is unlike any other
for sure. It permeates everything. I can't explain it myself either to be in such deep pain, but to have a piece not that it diminishes the pain. But that it's you just have an underlying feeling like it's gonna be okay. Yeah, horrible as it is right now. I'm not alone. And it's going to be okay. A few minutes ago, you talked about the three things that you keep in mind for processing grief, and one of them being that we isolate and I'd Did I? purposely isolated I chose to isolate. But it is a traffic way you said for Satan to work. Can you talk a little bit more about that?
So often me traffic's through silence. And while we're isolated, again, I've mentioned earlier, there's intentional, like being intentional with alone time, but then isolating yourself altogether. And when I isolate myself, because I did the same thing, I tend to numb myself, we tend to go through a coping mechanism, we're like trying to numb ourselves. Mine was binge watching TV, some as they result in alcohol, or drugs, or anything else to get their mind off of their pain, that's their sole purpose to being by themselves. Like, I just want to distract myself from the pain. And to know that even while you're distracting yourself, the enemy's feeding you these lies, nobody understands you, this is how life's gonna be. You're just always gonna go through suffering, you're always gonna go through pain. And going through life like that, going through your grief like that. And being isolated, again, is a doorway for you to come to a point of like, Man, this is it. This is all there is. It's such a rough spot to be in. And to avoid that, and to allow people in because healing comes through people. And the Bible says, confess your sins to God, you'll be forgiven, but confess your sins to others, you'll be healed. And there's such a healing moment in relationships, God always destined for there to be relationships from day one, Adam, had he for a reason, because he knew the importance of having relationships, he knew the importance of having community for when days get tough, when things are hard. Or when those moments you don't want to get to bed, when those moments you know you're going through a funeral, he has people in your life to be that support to hold you up. Allowing them in is the important part, we have to come to a place like, okay, nobody's going to truly understand the pain that I'm going through, nobody's going to truly wrap their mind around it. Because only I will fully understand that. But to allow them and allow them to be a support to allow them to speak live to allow them to be a helping hand through this is what is needed. And this will help me begin to heal.
We serve the God of relationship. That's his primary focus his relationship and his great love for us. So that makes complete sense, but also to relationship people can be not so helpful. What were some of the things that people said to you that you thought you have no clue what you're saying? Because what does anyone know what to say? Yeah,
a lot of people give cliche platitudes during that time. And some of the things I heard is like, you know, everything happens for a reason your mom is in a better place, you are so strong, I think that was the other one, you're so strong to get through this. You're such a strong woman. And you're like, I don't feel strong. I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm done with being strong. So I've heard a lot of that. I think, also, I know, some people are so calculative of what they say because they don't want to say the wrong thing. But not saying anything is just as bad. I remember wanting to be open and transparent with how I was feeling and just wanted to talk about my mom. And some of the pupils and my friends were looking at me like, Oh my gosh, is she gonna cry? Is she okay of my talking about it made them uncomfortable, and it made me want to close off even more. So I really believe it's so important for us to navigate how to speak to people during grief, but also to just be there. I think the most important thing is just being there for that person in that moment. If they want to talk about it, let them talk about it if they don't just sit with them through it. And just let them know that hey, I'm here if you need me,
I think that goes a long way. There is one thing that came out for me when it comes to people trying to be helpful. You can't burden them with too much because they feel helpless at a certain point. And then they're out because they don't want to feel helpless. But it was God's presence. That was everything to me in my my choice to be isolated. It was still God's presence that gave me peace through the process. And I believe it is just someone's presence. They don't have to really say anything. They don't have to do anything. I meant to ask this a few minutes ago, when you were talking about coping and distracting ourselves from the pain. I too believe that that's when addictions come up. Or at least you're challenged with an addiction. And if you don't process it, pain, grief, suffering, it will wait for you in the meantime that you're running from processing and you're coping and distracting. Then you start inviting things that are really going to be detrimental to your life in general not just the fact that you are not processing your grief and pain like you should. What was your experience you're
definitely write about it still being there. After you try to numb yourself out you still have to face it. There is still there. Just allowing yourself time to sit with That was feelings is the hardest thing for us because any negative emotion, any sadness, any pain to wallow in that and to sit in that our minds are immediately like, no, this is wrong, this is not okay. Like I shouldn't be feeling these feelings, but allowing yourself intentional time to grieve. And to be like, Okay, I'm not feeling okay about this and to reflect on it. I feel also, when people go through grief, they want to push back any semblance of a reminder of their loved one out of their lives. They don't want to look through pictures, they don't want to go through clothes, they don't want to listen to their loved ones favorite songs or anything in that moment, because it does trigger a memory of their loved one. And they'll go back to everything that happened. Allow yourself those moments of, Hey, take it one step at a time, try to go through their clothes, look at a picture of them and reflect on it. Allow yourself to reflect, allow yourself to go back in that moment, because going backwards allows yourself to just be present with how you felt in that moment. And so when you can process those feelings in that moment, you can move forward and healing. And it's taking those tiny steps. And eventually, the healing pattern begins and you begin to heal in ways that you never thought possible. But if you never sit with it, if you never acknowledge it, then like you said, You never truly heal from it. I've met many people who've been just stuck in their grief. I remember talking to this one lady, she was like around seven years old. And she brought up her mom a little bit, just brought up her mom when her mom had passed when she was 20. And she was she couldn't even bring it from all without welling up with such pain and such tears. And in that moment, I was like she stuck. And that's such a hard place to be in and it just to be stuck in that. Because that is not God's will for our life. He wants us to thrive. He wants us to prosper. He wants us to live abundantly and to take this step. So we can, you know, again, find that healing.
