Today is Sunday, February 25. And for this teisho, I'm going to talk about the ebb and flow of practice focusing especially on the ebbing, and by ebb, I'm referring to periods where one might feel disconnected, unmotivated, bored, or just plain stuck. Whereas in times of flow, one feels engaged, concentrated, and energized. When we first start out in practice, it's common to feel really motivated and inspired. And that's because doings Zen is fresh and new. So when naturally has a beginner's mind. That's a term that was popularized by Suzuki Roshi to refer to a mind that is open, free of preconceived ideas in contrast with an expert's mind, which is limited, constrained by holding on to prior experience, knowledge, which fuels expectations, assumptions.
I remember how in the days leading into my first seven days, so sheen. Obviously, I was like a lot of people I was anxious but excited at the same time. And several people told me about their experience during sesshin and gave me lots of advice. As if my experience would fall in line with theirs. It didn't. Although learning about the experience of others can be helpful at times and affirming. Especially during times of difficulty, it's helpful to know you're not the only one going through a difficult time. Still, we cannot depend on other people's experience. Zen is a school of direct experience. Some mistake to expect or assume anything on the basis of what you hear or read. And it's a trap of the ego, which always wants to be in a position of control.
Trust your practice, not someone else's. And find out for yourself.
And yet in saying that there is actually a trajectory, a familiar pattern that many people experience in practice that is a reflection of our collective conditioning. In behavioral psychology, there's a theory called the gold the goal gradient effect, gold gradient effect. This theory was first developed by Clark Hall in 1932. And he observed a distinct pattern in the behavior of mice and rats. And in what came to be regarded as a classic experiment hole found that rats placed inside a straight alley ran progressively faster as they got closer to the tray of food placed at the end of the alley. And the same with mice, when placed inside a maze. as they got closer to the food reward, they sped up. In your wild rodents and humans don't at all look alike. They are biologically similar. And that's why rodents are often used in such experiments and apply to humans. The goal gradient theory suggests that we're motivated not by how far we've come. But how close we think we are to attaining a goal.
An example that maybe some of you can relate to is if you've ever run a 5k race, or some other race, you probably experienced a burst of energy at the point where you saw the finish line that was in your sight. And there's more to this phenomenon. I listened to a hidden brain podcast interview with a psychologist named Adam alter. And he's the author of the book anatomy of a breakthrough, how to get unstuck when it matters most. He describes in the interview how the gradient goal effect reveals a more complicated picture of human motivation. And here's what he said in the interview.
The original idea that hole described was that we are much quicker when we're closer to the goal. But subsequent subsequent research has shown that it's a bit more complicated than that. That actually, we slow down dramatically in the middle, when we're sort of unmoored. Were somewhere between the beginning of the goal and the end of the goal. And so we move quickly at the beginning, because we have a bit of motivation, we are fresh or ready to go. And we slow down in the middle. And then as we get to the end of the process, we speed up again, as the goal comes within view. So it's a sort of U shape, you go quickly, then slowly, then quickly again. alters description of this pattern goes along with what I've experienced in working on writing projects. If you've ever had to create a major written work like a book or a dissertation, or even on a small, smaller scale, an essay, you often start off with a good degree of momentum as you work through your ideas, and craft your introduction. But as you get more into it, when you reach the middle, that's the toughest part becomes difficult to write. He might get stuck, even feel paralyzed, can't get a word out. sitting down to write becomes painful. You avoid it, you procrastinate. But then, with determination, if you persist, and trudge through it. Once you draw closer to the conclusion, it speeds up and you're writing with ease again. Suddenly, words flow more easily. Maybe that's why it's often recommended that in writing you write the introduction and the conclusion first, and the body the middle part last.
This process also makes me think of unraveling a nodded up chain Have you ever had to untangle, fine gold or silver necklace can be incredibly aggravating. You start off inspecting it, you go for the easy part one, once that's done, then you hit the really tough not. And you spend a lot of time on it, it's an insurmountable task. And then at some point, it loosens up. And the rest unravels, easily, you break through it. In the interview with alter, he goes on to say that the way to work with the sometimes tough middle part is to atomize your goal. So in the case of a long distance runner, that means focusing on finishing the next mile, or the next few yards, or the next step. And the next one, not the finish line. That's far down the path. And then in the case of a writer, you would focus on just the sentence or this one paragraph or section, or chapter, not the thing in its entirety. And in doing so you're less likely to get frustrated, or overwhelmed. You feel a sense of attainment along the way, bit by bit. So you're basically resetting the end goal is to be a very small one. Over and over. And in turn, you're getting little bursts of dopamine along the way.
But how would that apply to Zen practice where there is no goal there's nothing to attain nothing that's separate, or outside us. We've already got everything we need. From the very beginning. All beings are Buddha. And yet, there's no end to practice. It's ongoing. There's always further to go in uprooting our delusive thoughts and habits of mind.
So upon taking up practice, at some point sooner or later, it turns out many people do experience that middle terrain
the sense of newness that we had at the outset, sense of excitement is gone. And now, we're just slogging along. We may get frustrated as we find ourselves repeatedly, Lord, into thoughts. We discover that yes, indeed, practice is unending. And so the motivation and inspiration that we had at the outset, starts to fade.
Of course, it's only natural that as you gain more experience with the Zen with the practice, it's only natural that you would develop expectations just as you would with any other life experience or activity. You learn along the way. You learn about your habits for one. But you also might evaluate the length of time that you sit, how often you sit, the state of your mind To the extent of your thawing, comparing and contrasting the quality of your Zen. And one of the more difficult challenges we can run into is that with any little glimpse or insight, we might have, we can find ourselves wanting more wanting to get back to where we were back to that time, when we had a really good set, or a really good sesshin.
And likewise, with any difficult experience we have with Zen, perhaps working with emotional or physical pain, we remember it. And it can lead to resistance, avoidance fear, might come up with excuses not to sit telling ourself, I just don't have enough time, or it's not working for me. Course, there is an exception to this, and that would be working with trauma. People who have PTSD, or who are in the midst of significant depression or anxiety may need to make adaptions to their practice for a good reason. Or even take a break from sitting altogether. And the teacher should be able to help you navigate that.
But ultimately, in Zen practice, just as in life, the two are not separate. There are lows, and there are highs. We can't perceive one without the other. High and low good and bad, light and dark and so on. They're all two sides of the same coin.
And it is through the experience of darkness that we come to know light. And it's through the experience of light that we come to know darkness.
We want to reward we want to see positive results. We want to find that tasty morsel of food at the end of the maze. And we want it sooner rather than later. But that's not how the process works. I'm reminded of Bodin Roshi, his vast collection of Zen merchandise, products that use the word Zen as a marketing gimmick, equating it with the pursuit of endless pleasure and bliss. And some of you are familiar with these products there's perfume so toothpaste. Yeah, Zen toothpaste, cereal, energy drinks, wine, and even digestive enzymes and Zen garden fertilizer. We want that perfect, want that perfect lawn, the perfect body, perfectly white teeth and a perfect practice.
But this is looking outward, not inward. And in practice, it can take the form of holding on to some mental image of progress or success. When we cling to a fixed image of what we think our practice and our life should be like, we are likely to get stuck. And that's because we're holding ourselves up to an idea, an image rather than trusting our own experience investigating our own experience
nothing is fixed. Everyone and everything is in flux. This is not just what the Buddha taught, it's the lived experience of birth and death of being human.
Conditions come and go, everything passes. Why hold on to some fixed idea it's actually not possible to get stuck. As soon as we label or identify ourselves as stuck in our practice, in that moment, we've attached onto a thought, a judgment. We think there's a problem that needs to be fixed. And that's our results seeking mind taking over.
I've been working hard. I've been sitting so much and nothing's happening. My practice feels stale. This koan isn't working for me. not cut out for this I call this a sheen. After such sheen, after such sheen. What do I have to show for it?
Dwelling in those kinds of thoughts is a recipe for getting stuck. Your practice becomes a grim endeavor. Speaking from firsthand experience
for some, the feeling that you're in a rut or spinning your wheels are so many apt metaphors we can use. That feeling can go on and on for weeks and months, maybe even longer. And the problem isn't that thoughts about our practice arise. We can't control our thoughts any more than we can control the weather. Thoughts in themselves, no matter the content of them, positive or negative? They're not a problem. We only have one job to do. And that is simply to keep our attention on our practice, whatever it is. Working on a koan counting are following the breath shikantaza That's it that's our job, nothing else. In his book, getting the buddha mind, which is a rather paradoxical title, getting the buddha mind Shan.
SHAN master, Sheng yen, Sheng yen says this about practicing with thoughts, not against them, but with them. He says, Buddhism condemns fighting and advocates non opposition to one's enemies. This principle also applies to meditation. When you meditate, vexations and scattered thoughts may arise If you may be hindered by bad habits or disturbed by noises. If these problems annoy you, no matter where you are, you will be unable to settle your mind and practice. You have merely added another layer of scattered thoughts to your original set. The result is wasted effort. If you do this habitually, the more you meditate, the more disturbed and ill tempered you will become. This is why many so called Old cultivators have very irritable dispositions and become angry at the slightest provocation. This is due to their wrong approach of opposing, fighting against their vexations and scattered thoughts, thus increasing their problems and creating much internal tension.
We need to let thoughts be
any attempt to do something with them is going to fuel frustration. We need to trust that they will take care of themselves as long as we keep returning our attention to our practice.
I've always liked the metaphor, Roshi uses to refer to thoughts as secretions, like bodily feel fluid, can't control it just comes out
and we can also glean some wisdom from that gradient goal theory. It's amazing that a lot of what the Buddha taught is affirmed by science we know that our conditioning leads us to expect that our practice and our life are supposed to be in a constant state of growth and progression. As if we're always getting better, always moving forward always getting closer toward what instead, we need to atomize our practice focus on one breath one exhalation
and then the next one
we can atomize our life be present for this one moment as ordinary as it is sitting here wearing a brown robe
the smell of incense but the glow of the altar. Be here
and if you find that a feeling of stuckness persists. There are some things you can do to shake up your practice and maybe dislodge whatever it is that's causing that body mind tension. We do have the ability to tap into that beginner's mind over and over. It's always available to us. But there is a caveat. The more we identify with the condition of being stuck in the felt need to get unstuck. The more we make it into a thing, an enemy to go into battle with a problem to fix. So we run the risk of employing our habitual results seeking mind.
Albert Einstein famously said, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So if you've you're feeling like your practice is stuck, or that you've settled into a routine and are contentedly just coasting along, it might be time to try something different. But to do it without expectation for results. And there are countless ways of changing up our routines. Just a little bit of creativity, or spontaneity can make a difference. In terms of Zen, you could experiment with sitting at different times of the day, or different places a different spot here in the Zendo if you keep going to the same way. If you live locally, try coming to formal sittings during the week, especially if you've gotten comfortable with sitting at home. Go to DocQ sign or a private instruction. If you haven't been in a while. Both are offered in person and online. If you normally drive your car while listening to music or podcasts, try driving in silence. Try just driving. If you drive the same route every day go a different way. Do you spend most of your time indoors, get outside, walk in the woods, get some fresh air
here's something I experimented with during a term intensive ones. Try using your non dominant hand. For simple tasks, like brushing your teeth or drying dishes. It's hard and it can aid in mindfulness. And also raise awareness of our taken for granted abilities. And of course, you can also read a book that inspires you to sit or take the workshop again. At various points over the years, when I was feeling unmotivated, I reread I reread three pillars of Zen. I also attended the workshop, the introductory workshop multiple times. It really helped the words land differently, because you're not the same person, and neither is the teacher.
So those are just a few examples of things you can do to shake up your practice. kind of break out of your habits and routine. But you can also consider Nandu doing reducing screen time or abstaining from social media or watching movies. If your tendency is to keep busy, fill your days with one activity after another. Try doing nothing. Try non action.
When we're feeling stuck again, the tendency is to assume that it's a problem we need to fix. We need to do something about it. But actually we don't have to do anything. Doing nothing can be very tough. activ What if we allow ourselves to experience that stuckness to feel it, without pushing it away without judging it? What if we throw ourselves into it? Get curious about it. Who is it? What is it that is stuck
the insight meditation teacher Sylvia Borstein said, don't just do something, sit there. Don't just do something sit there. We need to let go of that drive the impulse to fix every problem. And even better, let go of the notion that there is a problem in the first place. We don't need to go anywhere or do anything. There's nothing, no condition, no feeling no sensation that is outside or separate from our true nature. Have faith in that
in the Mumonkan collection of koans the verse in the last case number 48 kambos One road says it all before taking a step you have already arrived before the tongue has moved, the teaching is finished though each move is ahead of the next No, there is still another way up.
