Transmutation: A Ceremony Post-Screening Panel 3-22-23 (Mirror Memoirs)

    8:54PM Mar 31, 2023

    Speakers:

    Amita Swadhin

    Jaden Fields

    Alexandra Magallon

    Ashlee Marie Preston

    Sydney Rogers

    Ebony Ava Harper

    Keywords:

    survivor

    people

    memoirs

    stories

    amita

    trans

    black trans women

    mirror

    important

    trauma

    laughs

    grindr

    space

    survivorship

    talk

    hear

    literally

    uplift

    rape culture

    jaden

    So, we're gonna go ahead and get started with the panel talk back. I will let everyone do a brief introduction of themselves. In case people don't know I'm sure you all know, but if you don't know, you're going to learn tonight. Okay. So I'll start with our moderator, and then we can just pass it down and then we can start with the questions.

    No, God, okay. I'm Ashlee Marie Preston, and I am a survivor. And not only did I survive, but I am thriving. And I am - yes, give it up for that. And that's the reason why I joined the board of Mirror Memoirs is because I want others to be able to thrive and to be able to transmute those tribulations and trials in their lives into something beautiful.

    Hello, again, I'm Jaden. I'm the Co-Executive Director of Mirror Memoirs with Amita. Thank you. I'm also a survivor because we all are. And I'm very grateful to have been able to help weave together these really beautiful and powerful stories from the cast.

    I'm Alex, can you hear me okay, there. I'm Alexandra Magallon. I'm a survivor, obviously. And yeah. This is something beautiful to me. And I am happy that I came today because I was actually really looking forward to it last night. This is medicine for me. So, keep sipping it.

    Hi, everybody. My name is Sydney Rogers (pronouns they, she), this project just brought up so much, so much stuff that...I'm so not the same person that I saw on that screen, but really glad to be watching it again. So glad to be here. Thank you.

    Hello, everyone. My name is Ebony Eva Harper. I am here in dual capacities today - I am Co-Chair of Mirror Memoirs' Board, Co-Chair and cast member, and, you know, survivor, and I just feel really honored that I was able to tell my story and participate. I was crying, hearing their stories more so than my stories, but just really honored to be here. Even sharing this space. This is our first time that the cast members are getting together. Because we filmed this actually in COVID, during COVID. So this is our first live event together so.

    Excellent. So I guess then we'll just get right into it. So the first thing I want to ask is a three part question. So I'll slow it down just so you can take time to marinate in it and figure out what you want to say. How did you first connect with Mirror Memoirs? Why did you say yes to Transmutation? And why do you believe that more people need to engage with this performance? And this is for anyone. I see Sydney getting it together. So somebody? [Laughs]

    I think I think I think I came across Mirror Memoirs through the California LGBT Arts Alliance. I think when I first came across, Amita was pitching something. Because I'm on the board of that. And then when I looked up on the website and read the mission statement, I was like I think that's me! So that's when I started becoming a Member. And then when Transmutation came up, when the project came up, I had been doing like I said in the piece, I've been doing theater since I was 18 years old. So a theater piece talking about my my trauma, it was something that I've always wanted to talk about anyway. So it was like, it was, and plus I was among other people to talk about it to. And it was prompts and a safe space to do it with. So it made it really, really...it was a catalyst for me and really cathartic to really talk about it with other people, especially people of color, to talk about CSA and all that kind of stuff, too. And what was the third question?

    The third question was, and why do you believe that more people need to engage with the performance?

    Oh, goodness, more people need to engage with this kind of stuff because we can get the fluff, we can go see Hamilton right, we can go see the fluff stuff. But I always call it activist theater. Right? Like, going to see this kind of theater that'll really spur conversations, that'll spur people to write more of this kind of work to really incorporate this kind of work, especially in Los Angeles, and New York too, but really incorporate these kinds of storylines into theatric productions. So it's not only this kind of this kind of work for, for display, but for people to really write these storylines into everyday, everyday writing, you know, so it's not just a one off anomaly, but for people to really talk about this on a regular basis, so that the little ones will start speaking up when someone fucks with them. So it's not as fucking - sorry, I curse, I'm from the 'hood. So when someone does touch them, it's not a secret anymore, because they saw it in a show. And so they can talk about it openly. You know, so the healing can start at a young age. Now when I'm fucking 50. It can start younger, so that way they can fly sooner.

    Amen. You know, I need a paper honey, my fingers don't work like that. So I first connected with Mirror Memoirs - I live in Sacramento. I'm from LA South Central: Normandie and Imperial, by Southwest College, okay, I grew up, you know, here Inglewood. All the older LA girls know me. These younger LA girls, I don't know. But anyway. So when I saw a post online with one of my friends, I think it was Bamby. And I just saw a whole group of trans people. And I saw Mirror Memoirs, survivorship. And I've never seen trans people included in the narrative of survivorship. And so I was working at Gender Health Center in Sacramento as a prep navigator at the time. And so I reached out to Amita. I googled them, because I don't know how I got their contact, I think I googled and got an email and emailed Amita and was like, How can I be a part of this, I want to support your work. And so that began a relationship. From Gender Health Center, I moved on over to the California Endowment. Probably one of the first Black trans women that worked in philanthropy in the nation at the time. And so, I took Amita with me in my heart and same thing with Amita, Amita was calling and checking on me, saying, girl, how they treatin' you over there, you know? Amita don't play about family. So, yeah, and the reason I said yes to Transmutation is it was obvious to me that I honestly needed to tell my story. And I felt like other people needed to hear my story and as soon as I heard that Sydney was gonna be involved and all the other cast members I'm like, let's do this. Let's tell our stories. And I believe people need to engage more with this is because Black trans people don't have the privilege of having survivorship. Usually we are "the aggressor." We are, you know, even when we call the police, that can backfire on us, you know, and, and we, the victim, become "the aggressor," you know. So I think it's important narrative, this, this is narrative work. And this narrative work is important because usually when you think of sexual abuse survivor, you think of cis white women, okay, but here we are Black Latinx, honey, you know, different type of women. Okay. And so, I think this is important because this puts out different narratives, and a narrative of Black trans women that have been through hell and back. But just like Miss Sydney say, you know, I'm gonna tap into this energy tonight you know, you you know, we were here, we fightin,' we still goin'.

    I shared a post. So, I waited until my mother and my father were both gone before I was like, vocal about my rapes. So, I posted and I was just like, You know what, let me just let it all out. And I had seen that same post go around but I was like, Hell, no, that's too much. But then I got a message from Amita. And I was like, gag okay, sure. Sure, I'll get involved. So, the healing started. And I said yes to Transmutation, because I'm like, sure, let's continue this healing. It's still going. And why do I believe more people should be engaged with this is because I mean, healing is generational, right. And it's the cycles of violence, they're also generational and so unless we start to do the cycles of healing work, we're gonna stay in the same place. So, to me, this is medicine. And I was really excited, and I'm still excited to be here, because although I guess I relive a lot of the trauma and yes, I relive a lot of the shit, and I cry, I still am here picturing myself being that young little kid. Because I still, right, to this day, I'm living with Complex PTSD from the attack. And I've been having a lot of PTSD episodes recently. So for me, this is like still that medicine where I need to remind myself that, you know, I do want to continue to live and I am still arriving and coming and being here for myself each day, and that I have people that love me, including Amita over there in the back. So, this is why I think it's important for this to continue.

    Thank you all so much for sharing that. And I also want to piggyback off of something that Alexandra said, when you talked about that process, like that deep process of preparing yourself to, to really, in an essence, like relive some of what happened, but also kind of like preparing yourself to also come out on the other side of it in the fullness of your survivorship. So I want to ask each of you, what was the process like for you writing and sharing your story? Like how did you get prepared to get into that space to do that work?

    It was one of the most intentional spaces that I've ever, ever been in and it actually set the bar - and I've been doing theater for a long time. But we had a therapist, on hand for whenever we were like, triggered or anything like that, we did check ins, whenever, you know, we always started off with that. And it set the space for us to write, talk, connect, we would go off and have these writing prompts, we would have different kinds of prompts too. It really made it easy to share our stuff. And then we put it together like a puzzle. And then it made the puzzle very easy to put in. And it made it safe enough to share our stories. Because a lot of the stuff that we went through was nobody's fucking business. So to be able to share it and go, people are going to hear this, and people are going to hear it over and over, and people are going to ask us questions about it over and over. It made it very, very safe to do that to come back, hear us years later, to talk about it again. And it made it safe for that. And Mirror Memoirs is very intentional, each step of the way. And every project I've gone to after that. I've been like, y'all don't have it like Mirror Memoirs, so raise the fucking bar. Right? Raise the bar on it. Raise it. Because once you've had that taste, once you've had that taste on it, it's not just water in the green room. You know, it's about setting intention, breathing, checking in, all that kind of stuff. And once you've had that as an actor, you can't have anything less now. Don't give me tap when I've had La Croix, right? Don't go downgrading, right? It's upgrade each time, but it's one of those things of like, oh, this is how it is to create, because I need those things, and you don't know that you need those things until someone goes - here. Here's a therapist on hand - here. And we had an Airbnb when we were shooting it, and I was like, Oh, I don't need an Airbnb. I live around the corner. But then I went to the Airbnb and we were like, oh, there's a hot tub, and food, and a therapist there, and I was like, Oh, damn, I don't want to go home. Right? 'Cuz like oh, I didn't know I needed this. I didn't know I needed a hot tub. Right? You don't know you need the care until it's put in front of you. Right? And thank you for that. Thank you Mirror Memoirs for setting that kind of bar.

    I mean, you pretty much said it all. Yeah. But I do have to say as I'm a neurodivergent person, I'm ADHD, I think a lot of survivors are neurodivergent, even CPTSD, Complex PTSD, so it was just like what she was saying, there was a lot of embracing, there was a lot of - the whole thing was a ceremony: from our Airbnb, like she was saying, to the actual space, as you saw. It was a ceremony. The green room was a ceremony. I mean, so I felt totally held. Also since y'all already know, I didn't really like Samantha. Okay? Wasn't feeling her at all. But this process helped me, you know, it got us through, it actually worked on our relationship, and as you saw in the end, you know, we got to give each other our flowers, and so, it just, it was a life changing event for me. And, it's still working on me, you know? It was a catalyst to freedom for me and I'm still getting freed and delivert - with a T!

    So when I had said yes, I started being a part of different things with Amita, so I started getting accustomed to the nice things [laughs]

    You get spoiled, right? You do!

    So for processing, for me, I was like, I need comfortable chairs. I need them to be like sofa, I need, you know, because, well, I don't know about y'all, but for me, I wear my trauma in my belly and in my back. If you don't know where your trauma is, I invite you to like, feel your body and see where it's tense or see where you're feeling the pain. That's where you're wearing your trauma. And I learned that also through Amita, but anyway, so yeah, I was like, you know, this is where I wear my trauma. And this is where my trauma lies. That's my processing. I was like, I need, you know, soft, I need X, Y and Z. I need to lay down. I don't want to write anything right now. So that's how I processed that.

    One of the most beautiful things about this space and the experience that you all have taken part in is that this is for us, by us. And I think that that's such an important thing, because oftentimes when you hear stories of survivorship, it's through the lens of trauma porn. And it's not taking into consideration that there's the potential to create more harm to the people that are supposed to be represented in that storytelling, if it's not carefully done. So I want to pivot over to Jaden and ask Jaden: How would you define ethical storytelling? And what has Mirror Memoirs done to try and embody that through Transmutation?

    I'm just, I have to first say, I'm just like, so glad that you're on the Board. You're just so great. All of you are so great. Ethical storytelling, I mean, it's just not being extractive, like we just didn't want to just take from people. And we did all the things that they were naming, it was very important that for the workshops for the Zoom, that we weren't on Zoom all day, or if we were like, how do we make space for people to show up, as like, wherever that capacity lies. We pay the cast every time we screen it, because they shared their stories, and they should get paid for that. And we honor and respect the labor of trusting us with these stories. It was important, we knew that it would bring up a lot, so it was important to have a Black queer feminist therapist, who's also a survivor to be able to hold that space with the cast, who also like, led us through this very beautiful ritual at the end, where we were all at the Airbnb around like, leave - there was a cloth on the stage, I don't know if you all got to see it, where we just kind of put the intentions, and it was a space that began to like really hold the stories. And after we filmed, we all came together in that Airbnb and had a meal together, and we burned that cloth as a way to really close out the experience that we had together. And it really is just all the people that we that we connect with, Amita is - we're gonna just keep talking about you Amita, I guess, which as a Leo, everything besides sun, they like that [laughs]. They have a gift of sort of drawing in and connecting to the right kind of people and that's what happened with this. It was so, it was just so right. Like even the title of "Transmutation," I - we were working on the script, working on it and I had a thought, "transmutation," I just wrote it somewhere, like on one of the documents, didn't say anything. Later that night, Amita had a dream or something about "transmutation," and like, the next day was like ready to be like, Oh my god, I had this thought -"Transmutation!" And I was like, oh, yeah, me too. It was just like THAT for the entire process. And really, like being in partnership with the cast, not thinking that we had ownership over their stories, whatever they shared they can, it's not ours to keep, we're just holding it with them. And too often, when there's survivor spaces, there's an expectation that like, if you're going to share your story that's going to be a part of someone else's project, they now own that story, and especially for Black trans people who like, and CSA survivors who know what it's like to not have our stories be our own, or to know what it's like to have someone tell us that they own us and own our narratives, it was so important that they be able to do whatever they want with their stories, and also have agency over what was included and what was not. We made sure to check in with him about like, this is what we've got so far based on what you wrote. Is there things you want us to change? Are there stories that you want to just keep for yourself, and there were some of those things. And it was important to just take that out then. It wasn't a back and forth or like, oh, but it's so crucial to the story. Like no, it's like, if you don't want that, then it's gone. It was that simple. And we, like literally, everything about the project was about being in relationship with people. And even as we like, we connected with the theater, and the sound house manager person was also a trans survivor, and like, just by hearing the project was so impacted and like, offered to give us extra mics and like extra lighting stuff, and like all kinds of stuff, because she was also so impacted, and had never been in a space where we were centering these stories. I think I answered the question. Okay, cool.

    One thing about Jaden, he's gonna let us have a truth, or two or three. I know that one of the things for me as someone who is in media, and I'm a public figure, and I remember talking about my survivorship, and how that deeply changed my life. Like, there were some folks...[to the microphone] Uh-oh, I need you to get it together. There you go. Okay. And we're back. I know that there were some folks who came to me and was like, you know, thank you so much for opening up in this way, I feel seen, I feel like I'm not the only one. And that was a beautiful thing. And then there were other people that I had to kind of set boundaries with, people who weren't a part of this experience that we have, people who were being very voyeuristic and very inappropriate about how they engaged me about my experiences. And so I want to open it up and just ask you all: As individuals who are out in a very public way about being survivors, how did that moment shift or change your life, now that you're living out and open as a CSA survivor?

    For me, some of my family was like, you don't share family secrets. So some family were like, step away. And I'm okay with that. Because, I mean, you know, whatever. Some family members, mostly my sisters, were like, well, the majority of them, 'cuz I have six, but they were like me too, and this is who, and it was, in a sense, me guiding them, like Amita did with me, to my siblings. And then my sisters, because they're all older than me, guiding their children through their trauma. So those are the cycles of healing that happened once I recognized my cycles of violence that happened to me. So cycles of violence, you know, cycles of healing. So, yeah. In regards to the general like, public, some people, I got the same thing that you got, Ashlee. But honestly, it was like, eh. You know? And I'm always there for the person that's trying to heal. Just because, like, I was fortunate enough to have that given to me or, you know, had that container for myself through Mirror Memoirs. And so, I think like, why not pour into somebody else's cup, when my cup right now, for this is, you know, full or, you know, for that particular thing, because my cup is empty for other things, but I can't pour...but anyway [laughs].

    Thank you. Being a public figure is always weird, right? I get people reaching out to me, like on Grindr or something. They're like, Oh, my God, can we talk about this? I'm like, Look, thank you for saying hello to me on Grindr, right, I'm trying to get my groove on, and you want to talk about your abuse and stuff on Grindr. And I'm like, can we talk about this later? Thanks. [Laughs] Right? Or it's three in the morning on Instagram or something, you know, but it's one of those things of, I have to always remember that I've had this experience of, I have a privilege of being a public figure, and I have a privilege of doing the work that I do. So when someone does reach out, I have to remember that I am a vessel. I'm a vessel from universe, I am a vessel to be there for someone. So on Grindr, I'll go, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you for reaching out. I appreciate you reaching out to me. Can we talk offline somewhere else? And stuff like that. And usually they go, no, I just wanted to say thank you, have a good night. Okay, cool. You know what I mean? And I've never been that one to go, ugh, why are they talking to me? No! If they're a fan, or they're reaching out, I think about - they took so much courage to type that DM to me and say hello to me. Who the hell am I to be like, ugh, don't be hitting me up - no! Be gracious, and be nice and say thank you very much yada, yada. Now the ones who do think, well you need to say hello to me and stuff - Instant block. Wow, that's it. But I realize, I have a privilege of walking into rooms, and I have a platform. And I'm still trying to figure out where else, because now the bell's rung, where else can I talk about this more? Should I do a podcast? Should I write a book? Should I go on a speech tour? Yes. Right? Yes. To all of it. Right? Should you know, should I write essays? Should I write...you know, all these things come up too, of like, Where does the opportunities go and stuff? I'm in school right now to get my Master's in social work. So I'm like...Yeah, y'all can clap for that. Yes. So I'm like, What do I do after that? And healing comes up, healing for trauma comes up, healing for artists in trauma comes up, with a social worker lens. And CSA trauma is absolutely part of that, too. You know what I mean? So being a public figure, it's like, Okay, I've done this. What else can we do? You know, where else can we go with this? You know, that kind of thing. So it gets me very, very excited to see where that goes. And it's always humbling. Humbling, humbling humbling to be where I am right now, too. Thanks.

    [Breathes] Yeah. Sorry, I'm taking a breath. You know, it's just like what Sydney said, where I was, almost two years ago, when we filmed this, I'm not at the same space today, even as a survivor. And even as survivors, we evolve. Sometimes even our story evolves, in the way that we tell our story evolves, in our boundaries, like, you know, your boundaries today may not be the boundaries that you had yesterday. Now, you may be on Grindr yesterday saying, come bring me all your weak and weary. But, but today, you trying to get it down, baby, unh-uh! We ain't talking about no survivorship today, baby, I mean business! [laughs] So, I just want to say that it's okay to hold space for us wherever we are, and have compassion for our community wherever they are, and realize that we are individuals, and that's the beautiful thing about being human. And conservatives have tried to dominate who we are and tell our stories for us and say that we are these "groomers" and "perpetrators" just because you're trans, just because you're Black, just because you're queer. And I feel like this project has given us our power back and has empowered us, with us being able to tell our own stories. And that's so important as Black API, South Asian, Latinx folk, queer, trans people of color, that is so important to tell our stories, because, you know, sadly, there's not a lot of places we can go to hear our stories, and where we could tell our stories. And so I'm just grateful. And I'm grateful to be in this space with all of you here today, feeling this vibe going on right now.

    I love how much you touched on that, Ebony, about the fact that we are living in a time where the fascist agenda is quite literally painting Trump and his accomplices as the saviors against childhood sexual abuse, by you know, attacking trans and non-binary folks and drag queens at storytelling time and all of those things. And so I guess my question now is for Jaden, and I wanted to ask you specifically about the importance of uplifting child sexual abuse survivor narratives, the importance of uplifting the ones surrounding Black and Indigenous, trans and non-binary folks, and why it's important for us to amplify these stories in a time of increasing fascism.

    It's like you all were saying - they're literally inverting the truth. The truth is, our community's queer and trans children are particularly at risk. That's why we that's why Mirror Memoirs exists. We have the highest risk, and the fact that they are literally taking the truth and inverting it and saying that we are somehow "predatory" and that children need to be protected from us is one, infuriating, and just like so wrong, and they're literally like legislating the sexual assault of trans and non-binary children, and like, aiming for our genocide with what they're doing. And so it's important right now, to uplift these kinds of stories, because this is what's actually true. This is what's actually happening. And this is what will continue to happen as long as they push this kind of narrative, we will have more and more BIPOC trans and non-binary and intersex children targeted by not just their families, but by their schools, and by the medical system, and by...they're literally pushing teachers, doctors, people who WANT to be able to help and inversing that in calling them, like making it so that they would be charged for child abuse, when the research shows that when you actually support a trans or gender non-conforming child, you decrease the likelihood of suicidal ideation. Like it's literally life saving, and what they're pushing is for our genocide. Like, that's just, let's just call it what it is. They're pushing to get rid of us. And they have always done that - this isn't new though, this ain't new. They've always done that, they've always seen that we are so much more expansive than what their small minds are willing to accept. And like, so they've always been committed to eradicating us. And by sharing these stories, this is one of the, in my opinion, one of the answers to how do we build a better world: We take this, these stories out of the dark, we show them, and we're honest about them, and we hold them with so much intention, and so much care. And we don't extract from folks, and we hold up a mirror to the world to see -- if you really want a world where children are safe, which is what they CLAIM, then we have to think about these stories. We have to create a world where Black and Indigenous and all trans and non-binary children of color, can not just live, but thrive, and like be free, and like rest, and just be playful. You know? Like, that's the world, that's what it means for liberation. That's how we end all the oppression. We have to make sure that we're envisioning a world where folks, where the children that THEY were, the children that YOU, the child that YOU were, the child that I was, that THOSE kinds of kids never, ever get hurt again, ever. And like, people don't believe that that's possible. Like Amita and I talk about this a lot, like when we're trying to get people to get engaged with the work, especially people with resources, they don't actually believe it's possible to have a world without child sexual abuse. Like people can say, a world without prisons, or a world without, you know, whatever. But they cannot believe that there can be a world where children don't get raped anymore. And it's like, that shouldn't be so visionary. Like, it doesn't have to be so visionary like, that should just be simple. We should ALL want that. But the way that they're pushing this narrative around fascism is like, they're pushing so that rape culture can just thrive, like just thrive, like why are we...like, why? Like, why are they so committed to our genocide? Because we represent a possibility of a different kind of world, and they don't want that to change, even though the world that exists also hurts them too. Because like, rape culture hurts us all. You know, like, you're either a survivor or you know one, period. Like there's, there's nobody here, especially now that you all came tonight, who doesn't know someone who's a survivor. And so if we really want to which, you know, people, they claim whatever they want, but if we really want a different kind of world, this is where we have to start.

    [To Jaden] I know how you feel about the state, but if you ever decide to run for office, I think we got you in here. [laughs] So now, I want to go ahead and open it back up to the panel. And I want to know what your definition of "Survivor Leadership" means, and I want to know how we can support survivor leadership that includes and uplifts the leadership of QTIBIPOC CSA survivors without tokenizing survivors, which is key.

    I mean, in a world where...it's taking me back to when I had my first interview, and with Mirror Memoirs, and I was asked like to envision a container in a place without child sexual abuse, what would you bring into this container. And so, that's where I went, right? And so, if I were to envision a place that had survivor leadership, it would look like taking naps, taking rest, taking space, comfort, food, acknowledging that there is more to life than work productivity, or what a person can do for your nonprofit organization, or how they can use you for building up their name or their organization. It would look like actually acknowledging that people have disabilities, whether they be autoimmune, whether it be Complex PTSD, like really, really sit down and acknowledge the fact that we all just went through some fucked up trauma. Let's just start there. Let's just start by seeing each other eye to eye and recognizing that you and I are most likely a survivor, give me a fucking break, give me a minute, let me chill the fuck out from my little PTSD attack. I need a minute, or I need a day, or I need a week, and you're not going to take that out of my sick time. That's what survivor leadership begins to look like.

    Yes! Ooh, let me just...Yes, AND - I love that, we do that in theater - Yes, AND, survivor leadership also, for me, is about being visible. That we don't do everything perfectly. And that's okay. With the rest and the respite, that I can make a fucking sandwich and eat it in peace. It's about dismantling. It is about burning things down, but also having a plan to build it back up. And what does that look like? It's about people understanding what their privilege is, whether it be males, white people, or people with money, or whatever that is, and knowing that that privilege has come on the backs of other people. And I'm talking all the way back to slaves - that it's come on the backs of other people. And what does that look like? Because I'm talking about survivors - slaves have survived. And what does that look like? And the generational trauma that has come from that. The pain and suffering that has come, and as we as survivors in leadership too, I don't have to carry that trauma and have it define me when I walk in the room, constantly: "You're so brave, you're so articulate for a Black person. You're in grad school? That's amazing." No, bitch, I applied. What are you talking about? I applied to grad school, and I got in. That's what it looks like. Right? But there's, you know, there's that whole, I call it 'the broken wing syndrome,' that people like to put us in as people of color, or trans people, that we can't be strength or done by our own merits, that I must have gotten in from AB, you know, affirmative action or whatever, that I couldn't have gotten in because I'm fucking smart. Yeah, I'm smart. Yes, I'm smart. It's that whole thing of like dismantling that, and how do we do that without tokenizing? You know, how do we do that? And how do I do that without being angry all the time? So along the lines of that, I have a personal responsibility. Survivor leadership also means, for me, I have a personal responsibility to heal some shit. I have to heal. Because walking around like this, first of all, it breaks my nails. But walking around like THIS is exhausting. I can't. I can't walk around with my fists up, literally and figuratively, all the time. I have to heal it. So it starts with that, too.

    Thank you. Always fire. So yeah, we need to understand that rape culture, capitalism, prison culture. Yeah, it's all tied. And telling our stories as survivors is dismantling rape culture. And Mirror Memoirs is an abolitionist project. And so, it's just, it's important. Most survivors that are...I'm sorry, I'm finding my words. Okay, thank you. [breathes] Breathe. So, yeah, I'm sorry. [laughs] So yeah. I just believe that poverty and the prison industrial complex, and rape culture, they're all tied. And how do we undo that? We uplift the people that are most affected by these systems. And so that's one thing that Mirror Memoirs does intentionally, because where else have you heard or seen Black trans women tell their stories of survivorship? This is one of those rare moments in time and life where you are witnessing that. And so now by osmosis, it is your duty as well, to make sure to uplift Black trans women, Latinx trans women, South Asian, queer, trans fam, and make sure that they have the opportunity to tell their stories, not in a tokenization way. Tokenizing is like, you know, oh, we have one right here! You know? No, we have a whole CREW we have, we have a moderator, baby. We got, we got four folk panelists, okay! So I just, I am so honored to be a part of this project. And I just feel like it's on all of us to make sure that this work continues. And, you know, when I...I have my head down a lot, because I'm actually really shy, I know, some people can't tell, but I am. I'm a shy person. But I was even more shy prior to participating in this project. It has given me empowerment, and sometimes Black trans women, a lot of us, you know, I didn't have all the right words. But, you know, it's important to, you know, help us to get the words together. And, you know, not speak FOR us. But, you know, like, Jaden was saying, you know, allowing us agency, but also, you know, helping us to shape what our story may sound like, may look like.

    Can I add to that? I just wanted to add a little bit to that, around survivor leadership. I think what we try to do in Mirror Memoirs is acknowledge that if we're all survivors, that means all of us are disabled in some way. In ways maybe we've never thought about it. And so, if we're going to "work" or whatever together, because that's, you know, what we do, we do some work, we have to have an environment that honors that. And so we do that, as you know, led by and for survivors, by having a 32 hour work week. And not like getting paid less, you know? We are closed all of August, and we don't take anybody's paid time off. We're closed from December 23 until MLK Day, because we need to be, because the work is hard, without taking anybody's paid time off or vacation days, because people need access to that. And we know that the nonprofit structure isn't going to bring about liberation or the revolution or whatever. But, how do we use the container that exists right now to share resources? It looks like being in relationship with each other. And I personally am introverted and don't like being around people often, or ever, really. And yet, you know, this is the testament to Mirror Memoirs, we all said yes [laughs]. Thanks to Amita's persistence, and the fact that it's a container that really encourages us to be in right relationship, to be accountable to each other, to learn how to apologize when we fuck up, and to acknowledge that we will fuck up. Like, if we think that we're not going to fuck up, or not using our survivorship as an excuse to not be accountable when we fuck up. That's what this is about. It's about not just like, here's a place to share stories, here's a place to connect with survivors -- How do we learn together? Like, how do we unlearn and learn together, like how to be in right relationship with ourselves, with each other, with this planet? How do we unlearn all the lies of white supremacy that like tells us that deep relationship isn't actually possible or isn't the answer to like, undoing everything, all the shit that we're in, you know? And not tokenizing means that like, it's not just one, you know, it's not just one person, not just like, Oh, yay, you're the one Black trans, yay, like you told your story, and like we're never going to really engage with you, we're just going to, like use you as a poster, and not actually acknowledge your humanity. And that's what a lot of us, especially public, Black trans people in the, you know, because, you know, whenever there's a moment of gender stuff they like to pedestalize as if we're not also human. And like, actually not pedestalizing people, keeping us all on the same level playing field, like we also have a flat salary, because no matter what job you do, when you come to work with us, like, everybody's getting pay the same, because everybody's labor, no matter the title, is important. So yeah, just wanted to add that.

    That's so amazing. Thank you for sharing that. And I also too, want to name that I love Ebony and her pauses and those moments that we can take to regroup, because one of the things that I learned in Mirror Memoirs as a board member was that survivor leadership also looks like not pressuring myself to perform neurotypical behavior. [applause] That is so important. So the last question, because I know that folks have had a full evening, and we want to make sure that folks get their rest, as we all need it. I want to open this up to everyone: Why center abolition as a strategy for ending child sexual abuse? And for those who may not be familiar with the term "abolition," can you maybe add some context to that as well.

    I'll just start with how we talk about it in Mirror Memoirs. When we say abolition, we mean that every entity of the state is an agent of harm and has inflicted a lot of violence, especially on our people. Our folks have been raped in foster...I say the foster care system is the largest trafficker especially of Black children, okay? And hospitals and psychiatric facilities and, you know, by doctors, by social workers, by everybody, every agent of the state, every system of the state is set up, ultimately, to genocide us. And so, if we're really going to be about like trying to bring an end to this, we cannot depend on a system that literally was set up with our death in mind, like set up - every system in this country, like if we think about this experiment of "The United States," okay, like it was rooted in also like the rape and genocide of children. And so, you know, anything that represents that cannot actually be the way that we bring about an end to this, and so that when we talk about it, we're talking about, like, we don't want to fuck with any of these systems. You know, yes, we believe in harm reduction. And like, you know, we know that our folks, especially our Black and Indigenous and other folks of color like, will often be pushed through these systems. So how do we sort of lessen the blow in ways that we can? But we don't believe that any of the state is going to bring about any end to any violence whatsoever. So that's why.

    Um, it's complex. Although I would like for it to be a simple, straight up answer. Sometimes we work in spaces where, you know, sometimes that's not possible. And...that is the goal, though. Right? But also, on my personal time, setting up those systems with your loved ones to be like, if I am having a CPTSD episode, or if you're having an episode, whatever that might look like, what can I do to best support you so that we do not have to get these systems involved? Right, having those honest conversations with your core people, or even if it's not your core people, but if it's your coworkers or whatever, and you know that there is something affecting them, just have that conversation of like, hey, is there an alternative, and what does that look like for you? Right? And who can I call or what can I do to best assist you? I think as simple as that, is like to try to, for those of you that are not like doing um, abolitionist work or like, you know, what can get you there? Right? And it takes steps. Because we have to like, basically unlearn so many different things that have been, like drained in our brains, right. And so when I think of that, it's like, uhh, probably do not call the police. Probably do not call X, Y, and Z. And probably call somebody that's going to nurture and care for me, give me food, calm me down, like somewhere where I'm gonna be at peace. So I know that that may be like a, like, different route. But again, it's a complex thing, because dependent on what you are able and not able to do at specific points in time...that's what I like to do. I like to have those conversations with those who are close to me to be like, what is an alternative for you?

    Yeah, absolutely, um, to be honest, when abolitionists first came into my consciousness, I was like that, that can never happen. Because I was, I was like, how can that happen? That can't happen. But the more I work with Mirror Memoirs, the more I've gone to conferences, the more I've listened to other people about what is it, what it can really look like. And I'm getting my master's in social work, right? So I'm hearing about diagnosis and assessments and systems and stuff like that. I'm like, Oh, we can create alternatives, alternatives to these systems, shut that shit down and create new systems. But people have to want to. So we have to create these new ways of doing things. And I'm looking at it from a social worker point of view of like, it is absolutely possible, but we got to tear this other shit down that's been created. We have to, because I'm looking at it in my classes, like we're doing DSM diagnosis and bipolar and stuff. And I'm like, this is bullshit! You know, all this stuff is created to keep people on meds and stuff. And I'm like, this is awful. I don't want to do this. In my mind, what else can we, what else can I create, to be the antithesis of this? What else can I do then? Because I'm looking at this going, This system's not working. And that system's not working. I'm talking about education, health care, prison, you know, all those things. And what can we do to undo it? And so that abolitionist part of me, I'm becoming more of an abolitionist, I'm looking at it going, take it, turn it, twist it, turn it until it's no longer there anymore. You know, that's what I see, that's what needs to be done. And it's gonna take more and more convincing people that it CAN be done. Because I keep telling my older people and they're like, it's a system that you just need to fix, it's a system that you just need to fix. It's there, you just have to work within the system. I'm like, No, it can be done. You just have to want it. You have to want it. You can't just go, Well it's just there and it's been there for years. Honey, that's what they said about a broken blender, honey. If the blender's broken, you throw it out and get a new one. But throw the fucking blender out, don't just keep pressing the button. And that's what I feel like we're doing - we just keep pressing the button, right?

    I say we burn all this shit down, darling, blender and all baby! But not Grindr, I'm not ready for that one. I need her just for one more night [laughs], no I'm kidding. You know, when you realize that prison culture is actually at the center of, I would say, all the oppression on this planet. We are on a floating oasis in space. And this is what humans have come up with. Can you believe THIS is what humans have come up with? Work and and pain and trauma? And yeah, and so I believe well, it's my duty, if I want to honestly make people not abusers, that means that I have to come up with a new system, because just sticking abusers in jail or in a steel cage does nothing. And it puts a trans or queer person at jeopardy because they go to jail and go on to, you know, hurt a trans or queer person. So, and, most abusers don't even see jail, let's be real! Let's be real, most of them sending people to jail, let's be real! [laughs] Okay, so anyway, I just, I think it's a part of my work, is to try to come up with better systems than what we have. And no, it's not gonna be mainstream. And you know, people may not understand it. But it's between me and my life source. And I just, I do want to change this environment, change the world environment. And sometimes it's no fun being the first one. And there's a lot of first ones in this room, there's a lot of pioneers, don't matter if you was a pioneer, you know, in college, first person to graduate that particular class, and it's not comfortable, you know, but sometimes we have to, you know, be the first and take the step out. Because, you know, some some survivors is like, why, why would you choose abolition when these people need to go to jail? But jail doesn't change these people. And, I think it's inhumane. Now, me and Amita have arguments about like, some people I believe, don't tell nobody, needs to be stomped out. But y'all didn't hear from me! Y'all didn't hear that from me! I know Pat agrees with me [laughs]. Pat is the boxer in the room, baby. But yeah. But I do believe overall, this whole system needs to be torn down. No, we don't need a new model of this system, we need a whole new something. And we basically in a McSociety, a McDonald's society, a cooker cut of a society. And I don't want to live in a cooker cut. I like this diversity going on here. I like different neurotypes. I like different forms of expression, because all we are energy and matter. And it's important to let that energy express itself how it want to, if it's not abusing people, okay. But, that part.

    Thank you all so much for all of your amazing answers, can we get a round of applause for our amazing panel? [applause] And as we continue to do this work in Mirror Memoirs, outside of Mirror Memoirs, in our communities, in our schools, in our families, you know, in any space that we hold near and dear and sacred to us, we want to invite you to be a part of that community. So for those of you who still use Instagram, and if it hasn't traumatized you off the platform, be sure to follow us @mirror.memoirs on Instagram, and is it also on LinkedIn, Facebook or mirrormemoirs.com as well. And I also want to give a round of applause to you all as well for being a part of this journey with us. Thank you.

    Let's give it up for Ashlee as well. Amazing moderator! You are so good! Because I wrote them questions. And I was like, Look how you're smoothly transitioning to these questions, girl. I know it's later than we had said the event was gonna go but we're going to the raffle real quick. We have so many prizes. So please stick around for that. We're going to do that right now. I just want to thank you all again. I Just want to also uplift that even though this is novel in this moment, there's not many other organizations doing work in this way, we are in the legacy of queer and trans especially Black folks who have always been organizing around ending child sexual abuse, all the way back to people like Frances Thompson. If you don't know, Frances Thompson was a formerly enslaved Black trans woman who was raped during the 1866 riots in Memphis, and was the first Black trans person that we know on record to testify in Congress against her rapists. And she was living openly in her community as a trans woman and was loved and respected. So I just want to uplift that this ain't new. Even if there's not many of us organizing around this in this moment, we're just continuing that legacy as well. So...time for the raffle!

    You set up the raffle, Jaden made a cute slide deck for the raffle prizes. And I'm gonna fill the time by just saying one more thing. You know, Ebony talked about the osmosis of listening to these stories and the call to action. This is our first time not only sharing this with the live audience, but also like in our hometown, all these stories are about LA in some way. The cast wants to perform live in LA, we filmed during the height of the pandemic, when that was not possible. But if you are sitting here and you work for a foundation, or you know some rich donors who are philanthropic, or you work in the theater world here in LA, and you want to help us produce the show, we have set a goal of a live performance in 2024. And it's gonna take about $100,000 to do that well and not cut corners. You heard everybody talk about like we pay our people, you know, including our crew. We get people therapy, we feed people, we bring people - Sami Jo is not here because she lives in Atlantic City where she grew up. So you know, help us do this. That's my call to all of you.