2023-03-15-Gil-Love When It is Hard (3 of 5) Love without a Reason

3:06PM Mar 17, 2023

Speakers:

Gil Fronsdal

Keywords:

activated

kindness

challenges

love

goodwill

capacity

object

activation

stirs

friendliness

deactivate

innate capacity

heart

reactivated

quiet

practice

reactivation

redwood city

compassion

fell

So hello everyone. And for those of you who are have been facing big weather challenges, I hope you're well. And today here in California, at least locally here where we are, looks like it's going to be clear skies and no winds or rain. Yesterday we had been here in Redwood City in town when number of large redwood trees fall down, fell down, when right across the street from here that somehow miraculously fell across the street in a way that not even a car was damaged, park cars parked there. And so there were three big gap between here and my house, there were three big, big trees that came down lots of small things. But now it's a quiet day. So we have these challenges, life is full of challenges. And I think part of what it means for many people to be challenged, is to be a little bit activated, to be preoccupied to be concerned more than just that it's a puzzle to solve. puzzle challenges can be fun, and it can be engaging and you know, creative and to engage the mind. But human challenges can be seen that way. But human challenges often come along with some way that were activated. And activated, reactivated. Something gets kind of energized and, and stirred up. And, and that can often be together with emotions, it can often be together with imagination, where imagining what where this is going and what's going to happen if it if it just continues. And, and that activation or reactivation creates a certain mental focus engagement, it to kind of engages muscles in all kinds of energies, which in a time of immediate crisis are useful, perhaps, but as an ongoing basis limits us and complicates our inner life. So that some of the simpler, maybe quiet or innate capacities we have, get drowned out. And and one of those is our innate capacity to love. And I use the word love here as a broad umbrella term for a wide family of human intentions, sentiments, attitudes that we have. And so some of these words that I use or care, kindness, friendliness, goodwill, even respect, appreciation, generosity, the friendliness, maybe I said, and so all these together, kind of belong to this family of love. And they have to do with a positive attitude towards others, or positive towards anyone. And in Buddhism, we put a lot of emphasis on the practice of loving kindness of metta, Goodwill. And one of the classic ways in which is practice is goodwill towards oneself. And first start there and then for people who are benefactors, and then friends, neutral people and even enemies are included errs and we often call them difficult people rather than enemies. And, and there's always an object, for that met them. But one of the profound things that can be discovered through this practice of insight practice, meditation practice is that love kindness, care, goodwill, compassion can exist without there needing to be an object. It can exist without there needing to be a reason to do it. And probably it's fair to say for most people, that love is triggered by an object, something that we adore something that we really value, something we really appreciate that And, and it kind of stirs our hearts or inspires us in some way and kind of opens our hearts and all this kind of love or goodwill flows because they object is so wonderful. I know some people who do in doing loving kindness practice to kind of awaken that capacity, they'll think of puppies, or they'll think about some very cute little animal that just stirs them up in a nice way and makes them kind of, but it's always that with an object. And the miraculous thing is, that, yes, we have the capacity for love. And that capacity doesn't require an object, maybe it's easier with an object, partly because there's more energy sometimes around a love for an object, because then the object lives in relationship to us. And we have a relationship to it, that somehow, when we exist, or our sense of self is kind of, kind of pulled into it, that often activates or stirs a, a whole little ecology of things that are in addition to love, love as well, there's nothing wrong with having an object. But also, it's easy sometimes, for our desires for our aspirations, or dreams in relationship to those people, those kinda have to be activated as well, which maybe gives a richness and a depth to that love. But it's possible to have kindness, care, compassion, without an object without a person that it's directed towards. If the if the heart and mind if the bulb if we're settled enough here that we can feel and allow for the, the warmth of the heart, the warmth of the place that loves to just kind of be shining just kind of be unobstructed. And it's almost as if maybe it's the case that our capacity to love is often eclipsed by being activated by challenges by concerns by desires and all that. And the question is, how can we be activate ourselves enough so that it's not eclipsed. So when we feel challenged, then it's possible to remember, Oh, I have this innate capacity for kindness, for love for compassion. And it's not present right now. And then just a vacation you can come along well, of course, is not present. It's too dangerous right now, of course, is not present. The person doesn't deserve it that I'm with, of course, is not present. Because I'm justified, being angry, I'm justified being filled with resentment or something because it was so horrible what happened, of course, is not present. I feel so hurt. And so you know, so disappointed, so betrayed. And I would like to propose that without diminishing the fact that we do have these feelings, of betrayal of hurt the fear. They don't have to eclipse our capacity for love. In fact, if we allow it too much to eclipse it, that it's too easy for selfishness, conceit, self preoccupation, self to kind of take over and away, that's actually not even healthy for ourselves. But we bet if we can relax, deactivate quiet down, not become activated by our activation. Maybe we can come back to that place where there can be some modicum of love or kindness. And, and the most fundamental, I like to think that the most fundamental kind of capacity for love begins with the wish for someone's welfare, the intention for love, the wish for having kindness. So in the middle of a challenge, that is doesn't require, you know, our full 100% attention to be safe. To ask the question, where's the love? Where's the kindness? And if it's not available to take Time to deactivate,

to take the time to maybe go for a walk, meditate, talk with a friend, do something that you know what to do, that lets your activated system Calm down, quiet down a bit. And, and certainly not continued doing the very thing that keeps you activated and reactivated. And, and you know, without aversion for the activation without condemnation. But with this principle that, yes, we're looking and coming back to this simplicity of being where basic goodwill, basic kindness and friendliness has a chance to shine. That doesn't need a reason. And because it doesn't need a reason. It has the capacity, capacity to shine, its goodwill, equally on everything. He can shine the goodwill, on our activation, on our anger, on our sense of betrayal, on our hurt on our enemies on our, you know, all of our, you know, all, maybe maybe we're disappointed with ourselves in a challenge. Maybe we made a mistake. But that simple kindness is there just to hold it all, all of who we are. We have this capacity within for unconditional kind regard. We have this capacity within for an unconditional goodwill, regardless of what's happened, regardless of what we done, regardless of how we think about ourselves. And that that should live within us the capacity to love without a reason without that justification, just that it's the nature of the heart to love is a phenomenal thing. And so where's the love? Where's the kindness? The middle of a challenge? Where is it? And just that question, carrying that question with us might be enough to, for us to recognize little hints of the kindness that's there. But if there's none, it's probably an indication that what's important to do now is not to stay in the middle of being activated. But finding some way to deactivate enough, the reactivate enough cannot caught in the cycles of activation and reactivation. And this is where meditation comes into play, mindfulness comes into play. This is where learning to relax comes into play. Relaxation is a skill that we can get become good at by practicing it. And then come back to the challenge with some kindness, some kind regard some goodwill. So the challenge is not the only game in town. There's another game, there's another perspective. There's a perspective of love. So as you go through today, and you run into challenges, ask yourself the question, where is the love? And if there's not available, how are you activated? And what can you do that's realistic and reasonable to deactivate enough that there is this unconditional kindness kind regard for yourself for all things as you find your way with the challenge. So thank you very much. And I wish you luck well with this exercise of goodwill kindness and love and it's a very worthwhile thing to do. Thank you