[Air Date: Sun 10/10/21] Episode No. 130 Speak It Series I Am Allowed To Want What I Want

10:14PM Oct 8, 2021

Speakers:

Jessica Lauren

Keywords:

god

allowed

people

cleaning

jessica

cussed

goal getter

life

podcast

money

goal

sessions

check

business

big

afraid

week

grandma

happen

singer

Hello and welcome to the Sunday Jumpstart Podcast, a weekly podcast helping goal getters, ditch the excuses do the work and make -ish happen. My name is Jessica Lauren and you are listening to episode number 130. Hey y'all Hey, and welcome back to this week's episode of The SJS podcast y'all we are continuing our Speak It today is part three and we are going to be focusing on the affirmation: "I am allowed to want exactly what I want". Okay, this episode is all about being honest about your heart's truest and deepest desires. Y'all this episode goes deep as I tell all my business about how I had so many walls built up around myself where I wouldn't even want to admit what I truly wanted. Because I was afraid of disappointment and failure. So today's episode is so good. I'm so excited for y'all to hear it. But before we hop on into today's episode, I have a little bit of a special announcement for you all. Y'all The doors are finally back open to my one on one coaching program called the Goal Getter sessions. That's right, y'all. As you know, we are smack dab at the beginning of quarter four, right? That means that we have exactly 12 more weeks to finally knock out those big goals of ours before we head on into 2022. Now I designed the Goal Getter sessions for my people that have been trying their hardest to get the work done, but keep getting stuck. And you know, you try to do everything and bootstrap it and get disciplined, but you need some help you need someone to hold your hand and go through that goal journey with you someone like an accountability partner. Well, that's where my program comes in. It is an eight week one on one program where you and I work together to help you get clear on what it is that you want to achieve over the course of quarter four, right? And then after that, we'll strategize how you can make that happen. I'm going to give you deadlines and homework, we're going to work on making huge mindset shifts, right. A lot of times we get stuck in our goal chases because we don't believe that we deserve to achieve our goals and deserve the good things that come from making those things happen. Right? You and I will talk every week for an hour on video chat. And we'll do the homework, you'll have assignments, I'll check in with you and make sure you're doing those things. And it doesn't just stop there you have full email access to me, as well as voice memos where I will check in on you every couple of days. Hey, did you do your homework? Hey, did you want to launch the blog? Hey, did you finish your podcast episode, I'm going to be in your ear, making sure that you make major -ish happen in your life and business. So if you have this big idea, and you don't know where to start, and you just need a cheerleader in your corner that'll help you figure it out, help you make the milestones and do the work. Sometimes when I have a goal, I just need somebody to turn my homework into like, Hey, I did this thing. Can you check over it, give me a deadline. So I stay on top of that if you're interested in that, be sure to go to the sundayjumpstart.com and click on goal getters sessions. It is a little application that you have to fill out. And once it's been reviewed, then we'll set up a little call and we'll just make those dreams of yours happen in quarter four. So I'm super excited about that. If that's right up your alley, go to the website the sundayjumpstart.com and click on the goal getter sessions. Alright, now that we have official SJS business all taken care of, let's dive on into Episode Number 130: Speak It series "I am allowed to want exactly what I want".

Alright so also the other day I was cleaning my room minding my own business okay. And typically when I clean up any area of the house, it means it's time to turn on some music. I'm talking some Anita Baker or Luther Vandross or maybe even Cleo Sol her new album; not even new I just bump her album The Rose in the dark. Literally every day it is such a vibe go check it out I'll link it in the show notes. So you know I'm getting my vacuum together getting the broom, the Windex, the little carpet seasoning like I'm setting myself up because you know cleaning can be so relaxing and I had a particularly you know, screen heavy day so I'll just switching gears like that just really relaxes my spirit. So I'm about to get Cleo or whoever ready to go on the speakers and my spirit was like, No, just do this in silence and I'm like, here we go. I don't feel like having no life lesson learned now Lord, I'm just trying to vibe out. But you know how things is when when a lesson is ready to be delivered its gone get delivered. So I'm like, okay, cool, I'm going to be obedient and not try to distract myself. So no music it is. So I'm cleaning up. And you know, when you finally get a moment to just be quiet, when our social media or TV or friends or whatever, is kind of like your mind gets to take its bra off for a second, right? It was like my mind, it was like, you girl, I haven't mean it's a talk to you about this, this, this and that. And so I just kind of let thoughts bubble up as they occur, I let them come and go. I've been really trying to practice not labeling things good or bad, like, Oh, that's a bad thought, Oh, that's a good just like, let her rip. Because it's not too often that I let my mind have a stream of consciousness, right? So you know, when you do that, all kinds of things bubble up. And it's really interesting. Like, dang, that was on my heart. I didn't know. So you know, I'm thinking things and going back to old conversations, you know how like a conversation will just pop up and you're like, you know what, I should have said that, and I need to go ahead and call them and cussed them out. Like I was just gonna go in there just like reviewing things and processing things and just having all these like little aha moments. And I'm just, you know, let it rip, cleaning whatever. And then I start to think, what's next? What's next for me? And I am kind of getting excited, but also a little hesitant like, oh, what is next? And I just start going over the projects that are in my mind, like, oh, one and a quarter two of 2022 I want to try this out. Or maybe I could do this. And then I just kind of feel God just like, well Jessica, what do you really want?

And I'm like, Well, I just say you know, in quarter two, I want to do this and maybe I could go here and you know what? What would you want me to say? And then it just dawned on me, you know, like, Are you being honest with God and whip yourself about what it is that you truly want? And see this kind of reminds me when I was a little girl My grandmother used to get me and my sister's hair done at this place called Cross Cultures downtown in Detroit or whatever. And we will go like every three weeks and just you know like growing up in the black haircare you know, hair salon is such an experience. Like it's just a lot going on. And so my hairstylist, her name was Sheila, she's like, Jessica, what do you want to be when you grow up, I had to have been like 11 or 12 at the time. And I was like, Sheila, I want to be a singer. And I want to be a hairstylist like, I could braid, I could braid really, really well. Especially when I was younger. Now I've been out of practice for so long. But that's literally what I wanted to do. Sometimes I say I want to be a teacher. Sometimes, like whatever. I just knew that I wanted to be a singer and a hairstylist,a dancer, like I was just always drawn to the arts. And my grandmother, she's sitting there listening. And she like that's it. That's literally what my grandma said, that's how you want to be. And I was like, Yeah, I can say, you know, like, what was the problem? Girl You know, you could be a doctor, you can be anything you want to be you want to be a singer or a braider like... That's it?

And God bless our elders and people that mean Well, I know exactly what my grandmother was getting at, in hindsight. But that moment was so pivotal, because it taught me You're not allowed to want what you really want. And I understand as parents and elders and you know, guardians is our job to try to, you know, make sure that he is on the right path and cultivate and nurture them so that you know, they make money and all of that jazz. But I remember like shutting down so hard in that moment, because I was being honest, that is truly what I want. I want to be a singer and I want to do hair. And while I'm at it, I want to be a model. I want to act I want to be on stage. I want people to see me and be like Dang, that girl can sing dang that girl can act. Like that's literally all I wanted. Now sometimes when I was playing with my baby dolls, maybe I'm wanting to be a teacher but any other time I was in front of the mirror with a brush as a microphone, singing my heart off. I was always writing stories. I was always Writing in a journal I was just a really really artsy kid and my mother did a great job of cultivating that because my mother is an artist in her own right my mother can draw her butt off she can paint my mama can sing she can bake like my my mom is an artist like through and through and she she if I said I want to be a singer she loud Okay cool. What are we gonna do if I want to go to dance class if she had some money she signed me up for my siblings up but for some I really was infatuated with my grandma my grandmother wasn't the typical grandma. My grandma have furs, the coach bags, the expensive shoes, always kept our hair and nails done, she was at the Mac counter more than me, had like every perfume you can think of, wear fur coats, always went to the club, and was in Vegas, went on cruises. Like she was the epitome of fabulouscity; ghetto fabulouscity right like we were the hood and everything but my grandma was like the hood only existing your mind baby I'm out like I'm doing me.

So it literally just like shut me down when my grandma was like that's it and then from life you know just living people always kind of do that to other people. Oh you want to run a little business? Oh you go sell your little cookies Why would you do that? You know we in a recession or you know my uncle He tried to open a carwash but then you know it's back. People always like extinguish whatever little fire that people that that you have and is not- I don't think people do it to hate well meaning people do it to try to steer you clear and make sure you don't make the same mistakes and all of that jazz but what that did to me in that moment was tell me I am not allowed to want what I truly want in my relationships. You know, I was a chronic dater of unavailable men right men that was just like I love you but I don't want a relationship or you know I find out months later that they was talking to somebody else I was the mystery you know, like just all of that and even then I be like, Hey, you know this is going really well I like you you like me? Can we be together? I actually had one guy Tell me Oh, you don't want that you to free spirited for that. Again. I am not allowed to want what I want in my career. Hey, I got my agent. I'm showing up to these auditions out and got training spent 10s of 1000s of dollars in student loans to get trained by people that have trained Kevin Spacey and dude from Sopranos like I'm up under people learning from people that have taught folks at Juilliard. Like I'm getting traint. And I'm showing up I'm doing work God can I please have this acting career that's all I want. And every week, a agent a casting director? Yeah, you ain't allowed to want that we don't book somebody else for years time after time. I have been taught in some way you're not allowed to want what you truly want. And so I've shut down I don't want to talk about what I truly want I stopped dreaming big because when I used to dream big it did not come true how I thought it should so I've developed this wall between even me and myself.

And so as I'm cleaning and um you know, the question is bubbling up What do you really want what do you really want? Old me would let the wall up put on some music put on Team Mom: Young and Pregnant put on something to distract me from going there. But I'm like, No, Jessica, I'm tired of hiding and running in this season, we growing in this season, we're unlearning and so I get uncomfortable. I'm dang near on the verge of tears, right? Because I am so afraid to admit the truth. And the truth of the matter is is that I want more, right? I want more when I was stuck at my nine to five and I'm sitting there helping somebody build their business that quiet as it's kept wasn't so appreciative that I was helping them build their business. I kept thinking I am built for more than this. I want more than this right? But I felt bad about that. Right? It's hard for me to admit God I want to be seen. I want to be heard. Okay, so growing up with as an artist kid people and I understand why they are always shushing the heck out of us, right? This little artists, kids because we can be annoying. We're loud, we're boisterous. We're always like, Look at me, look at me, look what I can do. And you know when you're a teacher, you're like, Girl, go over there and be quiet. Sit down. When you're a parent, a single mom with three kids and you only 26 years old. You like girl, go over there. Be quiet. Get out of my face, right? It's a lot of shushing a lot of quieting. Even as a woman as a black woman. We are like taught and treated, Hey, move over to the side I don't want to see you right but there is very much a part of me an innate part of me that can't help it. I want to be seen. I like being in the limelight. I like sharing my story. But over years I've been told it is wrong to want that it's hard to admit God I want an increase. I want some abundance. I want prosperity and success and money, good money, the type of money that you know allows me the freedom to travel where I want to wear what I want to eat, what I want to go and do what I want to pay my bills in full six months in advance to pay things off, to not be in debt to be financially secure. It is hard to admit that because we have been trained and conditioned not to want any of that, right especially if you're a woman, especially if you're a black woman, especially if you're an artist, especially if you grew up in a church right? A lot of times with this work that I do a lot of y'all be like girl that's your ministry. My best friend, Tequila always say oh the podcast, that's your ministry well we've been taught that when when you're in a space of service or helping other people that you should be humble and just do it for free you don't I mean just do it because you love it and all of that is true I am humbled I love to do it. But I also like money in my account but I always felt bad about that I want to be a New York Times bestseller author right but I was ashamed to admit that because it's like How dare you dream big How dare do you want good you want that you're not even that good of a writer you know i when i was in terrible relationships I want it so badly to be in something so healthy and nurturing and all of that stuff but it's like you don't deserve that Jessica. Why would you think you deserve that that's just that's not what dating is. And this days I think I really bought into the whole idea like you know we're in a time and a place where nobody gets married. You know the statistics for black like I was just buying in to all of the BS and by bs I mean my own stories and my own conclusions that I drew up in my head that kept me safe for years; that helped me survive for years the story that you know what I can only date unavailable men because I don't believe I deserve to be in a healthy monogamous relationship right why because I have some self esteem issues because maybe I haven't seen a healthy relationship mirrored for me so instead of going for something healthy something that I truly want I'm gonna stay comfortable and this dysfunction, right?

The reason why I don't want to ask big for money and all of that stuff is because somewhere along the line I've come up to the conclusion that money is evil or you know wanting money makes you bad or less of a Christian or less of a good person right and so I stay stuck in jobs and and not asking for my worth and I won't price my stuff accordingly or market my business or show up the way I know I need to in order to get what I truly want because I am more comfortable and my dysfunction I am married to the stories that I've told myself right and so I'm cleaning up just going through like okay God I'm gonna try to tell you what I truly want but I've been disappointed you didn't come through like you said you were a guide and like I'm starting to be like God this is some of this is your fault like some of these things that I wanted that didn't happen is because you didn't make them come true like all you got to do is snap your fingers God and that could have been the next Meryl Streep but it didn't happen. You know all you had to do was snap your fingers and I could have been you know in a better job situation or further along in my career or in my business or I could have been met the love of my life. Thank God I did my boo Hey, Boo, but like this is all on you. And God was like, hold on, hold on, hold on, baby, before you start blaming me on stuff. I gave you red flags. I told I made you tired. I was trying to make you uncomfortable and stretch you out of places in and get you away from people places and things you kept going back you kept you know under under selling yourself you can get butt in toxic relationships, you kept yourself in friendships that was draining you you kept yourself placed in jobs that were toxic and and didn't pay you well that was on you. And it was like oh Sir, you did not have to do all of that.

Now life is life and life gone life hard. Sometimes there are things that are completely out of our control. You don't know when you're gonna get laid off. You don't know when it's gonna be a flat tire. You don't know when they kick your child out of school. Some things are out of your control. But a lot of things are things we keep on signing up for and we keep blaming it on God or the universe or not being loved and all of that stuff. A lot of that stuff is on us when you're underpaid sometimes it's your fault because you're afraid to get on Instagram it's a market your stuff. Sometimes you know when you ain't your product saying move on when was the last time you sent an email out to your newsletter? Hey, y'all come buy these products when you end crappy relationships that was for me, you know you kept dating the boy like he cheated on you cussed you out, sent you some crazy text messages. And you might be strong for a few days. But then here you come knocking back and you won't go to Pizza Capris in Hyde Park. Let's go hang that was on you. And you need to start accepting some of that responsibility. Some of your dreams didn't come true, Jessica, because you were standing in your own way you were comfortable in the dysfunction. And you talking about an aha moment that that stepped on my toes. So hard, like oh my goodness, some of this stuff. I am in control of some of this stuff is my fault. Now God some of that suff is just life acting real lifey, but the things that I can control you right, that was on me. And as I kept cleaning up and I'm really processing these things, I'm just like Jessica, you've protected yourself right? You've built up the walls of not dreaming big of not imagining the best case scenario of not going after things with your full heart. And for this amount of time it's helped in some way it has protected you it has you know kept you safe. But do you want to stay safe forever? Don't you want to leave this life having done everything that you wanted to do after getting everything that you want and I know life ain't perfect and you know some disappointment is a part of the package right failure is a part of the package everything going ain't gone wrap up neatly and nicely in a perfect bow like you think it should, but everything always works out for the greater good. All of those relationships that failed my acting career that fail. All of that led me to this exact moment. And so I'm grateful for all of that but moving forward, I don't have to live in that muck and mire anymore. I don't have to build up walls, I don't have to distract myself. I don't have to settle for less because I'm trying to protect myself. Now I'm in a space where I am open to receiving everything God has in store for me But first, I have to believe that I am allowed to want exactly what I want. I am allowed to want more money to want better friendships to wear better clothes, I'm allowed to be able to go outside and want to kick off my shoes and run around in the grass with my dog I'm allowed to want ice cream whatever it is that I want. I am allowed to want it and that's the same for you.

If you are like me and and are used to being quiet and not really speaking up and playing small and you're afraid to pray and ask God for what it is that you really want. You're afraid to take action that aligns with what you really want you're afraid to dream about the life you really want you're afraid to go on Pinterest and look at houses and decor you're afraid you if you just are afraid of wanting more I get it I overstand it right but here's the biggest gag of it all the things that you want to write the future that you see the things that you catch yourself daydreaming about those are not there by accident is not a coincidence those same desires that you have in your heart artists same desires that God has in his heart for you so it is okay to want more it is okay to move forward it is okay to let some things go It is okay to reback a reenroll back in school it is okay to do whatever it is that's on your heart. But first you have to be honest about it. What do you truly want and you may not know now because you're so use to build up that wall and keeping it quiet and keeping the hush hush between you and God because you're afraid of disappointment and again I get it because sometimes we get disappointed but even those disappointments always work out for your greater good right? But the first thing you have to do is figure it out answer that question. What do I truly want? Not what I think I should have now with my mom and them want for me not what society says I can only get not what I think I should settle for.

What do I truly want? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? What do I truly want? What do I want in my career, my love life My spirituality What do I really want? It don't got nothing to do with the data app say, What do I truly want? It don't matter what the church has said about me, what do I truly want? No matter what my ex, my mods step by it don't matter. What do I want? How can you figure that out? Right? I want you to start journaling at just write it out, what do I truly want? And sometimes you have to go back to your childhood, what lit you up as a child, right? I talked a lot and I was always in the limelight. That's why I got my own show, right? Sometimes a childhood will let you know, go back and read old journals, whatever you got to do, figure out what do I truly want. And you don't have to have all the answers. today. That is a journey right? To figuring out what lights me up right now I remember, I went through a season where I didn't even know that right? Because I turned my hobby into a business. I was starting to feel like what do I even like? And that's why I took those swimming lessons last winter, just to try to realign who am I What do I want, let's figure this out. Right. And then once you get an inkling of that use the affirmation, I am allowed to want exactly what I want. I'm allowed to want what I want, I'm allowed to want what I want. So it can remind you that you're not a bad person for one and that you can still be a good mother and want that you can still be a good sister, Auntie friend, and still want more still want better still want a new level? This week's affirmation, I am allowed to want what I want. But in order for you to say that you got to start figuring out what the heck do I truly want. And just know that I'm on a journey with you, I am figuring that out. What do I want, right? It could be something so frivolous, right? I want to learn how to do my nails, I gotta pay $120 every time I go to the nail shop to something big got one day I noticed this crazy. But I would really really love to be a New York Times bestseller author, I would love to be featured on Supersoul Sundays, we're Oprah you know, just like silly stuff. I would love for my podcast to grow and be an instrument that helps other women grow and that helps other women grow. I would love to get paid really well. To do what I do. I would love to have financial stability and be able to travel I would love to be able to get a full eight hours of sleep. Come on somebody, can we get a new bed up in here? What do you want, get a sheet of paper, write it out, y'all know I love to turn on my phone and just turn on a camera and just talk to myself. Think about what do I want and whatever bubbles up for you that that is pure and won't hurt nobody else you know, because some of us want to cuss somebody out that that might need some prayer that might need some time with a therapist. But the things that are good for you and your life that will help you advance and help you feel better about yourself or will change your circumstances and new partner whatever. Right once you figure out what you want know that you are allowed to want exactly what you want, right? It's allowed and half the time the things that you want are the things that God wants from you I think I can only speak from experience y'all don't write me no emails but I think God get a bad reputation right? I think some churches have done not a good so job of how we painted God. we think God is angry or He too busy for us or you know and I think there's this pastor His name is Gregory Degal out I used to go to his church. He had a Chicago satellite church and he used to say God is not mad at you. He's mad about you. God wants to see you happy he delights in you He loves seeing you smile he loves seeing you laugh he loves seeing you dance and be like God is in love with you. He wants to see you win! I think we've bought into the idea that we must suffer to win God's affection and I don't buy into that anymore I'm just like God is so pro me and so pro you go to him and ask for what you want and keep it real right that's that's what that whole cleaning session was about God was like boo can you just keep it real with me I'm I'm here for you and I can make it happen but you gotta you gotta agree well what I want for you right?

God is like I got all these plans for you to to for you to live a healthy whole fun life. But you got to get in alignment with that babe. You're not in alignment cuz you hiding from me and yourself. Why don't you be honest. Give yourself the opportunity to be honest about what you want. God I don't want to be in debt no more, God I want children. God I want a cute purse. God I want to go with whatever it is Be honest with yourself about it and and and and just know you're allowed to want those things Don't let nobody make you feel bad about it Don't let this world make you feel bad about it if you want it it can be yours it is already yours huh? Come on somebody we just have to align with it and what do I mean by line with it you got to show up and do the work what is the work being uncomfortable, asking for more, speaking up, sitting down and being still when you need to, turn off the TV turn off- Its work and it's uncomfortable and you don't cry and it's normal you don't question things and all that but it is okay that is a part of life, Especially if you are growing and going to next levels.

So y'all that is it for today's episode. Thank you so much for tuning in. Y'all. I appreciate y'all with my whole heart. Thank you so much. And don't forget to check out the goal getter sessions. If you want me to be your accountability partner during quarter four to help knock those goals out of the park by the end of the year. Be sure to go to the sundayjumpstart.com and click on the goal getter sessions. There will be something that pops up you could click in it in the header The menu is gonna be everywhere so be sure to check that out so that we can work together, baybay and get these goals to gather. As always. I love you guys so much. I am praying wholeheartedly for you. I will be back on the podcast here this Wednesday with a quick tip if you don't want to wait those four, five days to hang out together, be sure to follow me over on Instagram the handle is @the sundayjumpstart. I have been praying for you have an incredible rest of your week and I will see you soon alright, bye!