43. Integrity Is The New Currency
KKeegan LoslebenMar 19 at 1:46 am35min
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00:04Michaela Soleil
Welcome to the sovereign heart podcast, where we get to talk about what it takes to live love and build relationships from the unlimited potential of your heart. My name is Michaela rose. I'm the polyamorous dating and relationship coach, artist, lover, communication, nerd, total water bender and heart centered weirdo, and I'm so honored to be alive at the same time as you how great is that the world is a changing place, and so are the ways we love and support one another, within and beyond the paradigms of monogamy, polyamory, nonviolent, communication, polarity, tantra, attachment, twin flames, dating, kink and more, there is one thread that weaves us all trust, a nutrient that is only created from a willingness to go first, the discernment to call a red flag red crystal clear communication and a little bit of faith in the unknown. I am so excited to be on this journey with you. Let's dive in. Hello, beautiful, sovereign hearted beings, and welcome to another episode of the sovereign heart podcast. My name is Michaela rose Soleil. I am your beautiful host here today, and also I am the polyamorous dating and relationship coach, or paradigm shifting coach for relational happenings in your life and in the world. That's a great that's a great intro if you haven't met me, but welcome if you have and welcome back. Thank you for tuning in. Thanks for listening. Today. I was torn. I'm still torn, actually, of whether to call this episode integrity is the new currency, or when to tell someone your polyamorous, like when you're dating, when to tell them, because these two thoughts are just conjoined in my head, and this is really coming from just recently, a friend of mine, you know, asked me, Hey, how do you know? How do I stay in integrity while dating, while exploring this lifestyle, while exploring polyamory or non monogamy. And of course, it was more specific for this person, but I'm generalizing for all of you. And so this question, how do I stay in integrity really brought me back to a thought that I've been having pretty frequently over the past, I don't know, six months to a year, which is integrity, is the new currency. And what I mean by that is, you know, we tend to think of currency as the way that we exchange, the way that we, you know, find our way in the world, the things that we want to, the things that we value, the things that we want to commit to, that we want to spend our time, money, energy. I think of currency as a much broader idea than just money, and more so a very, you know, a current C, right? The current C of what is valuable and what is seen as really going to be life giving and nurturing of ourselves and of one another, and of our hopes and dreams and goals and all of those things. And so currency I use is a very broad term and integrity, which I did a little dictionary search, and I was like, what is the actual definition of integrity. And I found integrity is the quality or condition of being whole or undivided, a sense of completeness. And so when I say integrity is the new currency, it's meaning that our sense of value, our sense of what we're focusing on, on what we value, what we see as important and worth giving our time, energy capacity to is no longer about exchange, right? It's, it's no longer as much about, you know, Oh, what's this worth, and what's the payback going to be? And like, oh, is this going to be profitable? And I'm using all these money terms, and then we're going to, like, apply this to relationship, and you'll see what I mean. But it's no longer about that. Instead, what's happening, what we're shifting into is that integrity has become more current, right. Integrity has become more valuable to people, to human beings on this earth right now, than currency than actual. You know, hey, like, like, I just have a lot you. Can see that I have a lot on paper. Therefore it is valuable. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, right? I mean, of course, it means something to somebody, but as a whole, as a collective, I feel we're shifting out of this. Oh, currency is, is what the monetary, the what I can see on paper, the, you know, dotted T's and cross i's. That's what's really valuable to integrity, being in that state of wholeness, of completion, of feeling like all of it, all of yourself, perhaps, or all of what it is that you're doing, is coming together. It has a sense of cohesiveness. It has a sense of being there. And so when we apply this to relationships, when we apply what's happening right right now in the collective consciousness to relationships, we're going in this shift, this paradigm shift, almost from kind of the old way of relation, relationing, the old way of doing relationship that is so much based on, like, what do you bring to the table, right? Like, like, what's your you know, are you going to be able to provide? Are you going to be able to support me? Or are you somebody that's willing to be supported and raise children? Or, you know, do our political values line up? Do our family values line up? You know? And I'm not saying that these things are important, and I think for a lot of people, they are becoming more and more important. But what's changing and what has changed, I think even since you know, the generation, generations before me, you know, thinking like, back in, like, the 50s and 60s, when people, when, when, you know, my grandparents, right, were maybe, maybe building their life and their family. What was important then was being willing to create a relationship that really is about amplifying currency, like being able to amplify the time, the capacity, you know, the resources that you have. And it was really a lot. There was a lot of sacrifice woven, woven in which sacrifice can be a great thing, but, you know, in when it's when it's with devotion, but a lot of the time, you know, for that generation, I think there was a lot of sacrifice out of necessity, you know, coming out of the Great Depression and like, moving into this era of just needing to sacrifice your time and maybe your dreams and your hopes and your values, not your values, hopefully, right? But, but some of the things that you would have wanted to do in your life, to be able to just survive, to be able to just do what you have to do to be able to fit in with the Society of, you know, get married, have kids, buy house, you know, do the whole thing, and you need two people. You needed two incomes to do that, right? You needed two, you know, streams of currency to be able to make that happen. And don't get me wrong, I think that's still true today, right? The more the merrier. If you're like joining things with other people. And you know, it's, it's always good to have more support and more resources. I love that, you know, and times are difficult today, as they as they ever were, right?
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08:15Michaela Soleil
And at the same time, so many people know that they can actually, you know, if they live within their means rate, they can live a life. They can support themselves on their own. They don't necessarily need a partner right to show up for that. They don't necessarily need a partner to help create that. There's plenty of single moms, single dads, single parents, you know, that are out there doing this because they value the integrity of the family that they're creating, or the life that they're creating, even if it's not about kids, but just the life that they want to live and the way that they want to live and the way that they want to experience themselves and the world is more valuable than that old paradigm, then that old kind of dream of like, here's the way that we get together, and then things are supposed to go a certain direction, and it's supposed to look like a certain thing in five years, 10 years, whatever, that is becoming less and less and less important to us as we realize that we are sovereign on our own, that we are sovereign individuals, and we can create those things on our own. And so relationship is moving out of this place of necessity and like we need to do this to figure our shit out, to desire to actually wanting something to want to build something to want to create something, not because you have to, but because you really deep down. Want to experience love and connection and deep satisfaction, sexuality, intimacy, play all of the things. And of course. Like the you know, financial support and those other kind of things can be involved, but not at the cost of the integrity of the self or the integrity of the relationship that's being built. Which doesn't mean people don't get in those situations right, where they feel out of integrity in a relationship or something like that, but when that's true, when they are out of integrity, they're gonna feel it. Whereas in the past, I think it might have really been easier to just sort of be like, Oh well, that's normal, you know, the old ball of chain, right? Like, it's normal to hate your partner and want to like, like, be so mad at them for every little thing. It's so normal and like, this is just what you got to do. This is just marriage. This is just how it is. That is not case anymore. You know, if people used to, used to get, you know, Married for for security, or, you know, something like that, now people are getting married to experience something more, to experience something more than themselves, to experience something more than what they thought was possible, right? People used to look for, you know, a happy life, and now they're looking for a happier life and going, what is that? How do I create that? And so while we're doing this, while we're building these lives based on integrity, based on this wholeness and the completion of who we are as individuals. It's almost like we're like wanting to skip over a lot of the time. When I see people that are kind of wanting to date and connect and all of this kind of stuff, especially people that are really busy and just like wanting to do things in a way that's not going to take up a whole lot of their time, energy capacity, that's not going to have them spending a lot of currency for something that's not in alignment with their integrity, that's something that's not in integrity with who they are. And so bringing it back around to this question of, like, how do I stand, how do I stay in integrity while exploring a polyamorous lifestyle, while exploring a non monogamous lifestyle, while dating and creating relationships and talking to people about what it is that I really want and what it is that I value and what I care for. The old paradigm of that would say that you have to like, be very like courting somebody and saying the right things. And don't get me wrong, like I love being courted and wooed and all the things I love that I think it's so good. We can definitely learn a lot from that these days, and and and and so much more so people are wanting that sense of, is this in integrity with my life? They're not just feeling the hormones and the chemicals and the cocktail of all the beautiful things that happen when you meet somebody, that new relationship, energy and going, oh my god, this is it. I'm falling in love, and therefore I will be with this person forever. It's just not the case anymore. There are so much more at stake, our integrity, our joy, our happiness, is at stake, and we know that. We know that we are not ignorant to that any longer. And so when we're going through this process of trying to find those connections and those relationships that are in integrity with who we are. A lot of the time, integrity is the thing that's actually going to help us commit to something and really find that and so I need this in a two fold way, right? So to answer this question of how to remain in integrity, and I think the question that really gets asked a lot of the time is, like, when's the right time to talk to somebody that I'm polyamorous, or that I want to explore non monogamy, or that this is something I'm thinking about, or something I've tried, and I might want to try it again, but I'm not sure, or I'm in a state of play and curiosity and I'm figuring myself out or like, those are all though, all of those statements are being in integrity with where you are at, being honest with where you at, with where you're at. And so there's two key components right to that, to actually remaining in integrity when you're going through this process of dating, creating relationships, oh my gosh. And also true for creating any relationships you know, business, professional, any of this, like continually being able to come to that place of completion, of wholeness, of all the parts of you coming together and knowing this is this is where I stand. This is where I'm at, even if that where you stand is messy, like, even if it's uncertain, even if it's like riddled with trauma and difficulty and all these sorts of stuff, being able to be in integrity with where you are at in that allows people to then see you in that. And so to be able to do that, it requires one, radical honesty, radical honesty with yourself about. What it is that you want, what you actually have capacity for, what you're actually available for in the now you know in the short term, and also potentially, what you can see yourself being more available for in the long term, right? As we build connections and relationships, we might only be available for, like, very something, something very casual, right? Because our lives are so busy and we're fucking tired and overwhelmed and all the things right, like life is so crazy, we might only have capacity for something really, really casual, but we also know that it's in our integrity to take the time to build that something casual with the right people, with the right person into something that is life giving and to know, in your integrity, what you would actually want to build something right, what you would actually want to build with something? What are the what is the platter of things that you would be available for? You know, are you truly just looking for deep, monogamous partnership? Are you really looking to build your poly, little poly QL family? Are you open and just exploring and just, like, in a phase of curiosity? You know, you may want to, like, settle down and have a family someday, but right now, it's like, not available. It's not there. You know, you're in a different space. All of these statements, again, deeper understandings of where you are at and being radically honest with yourself about what it is that you truly desire and the kind of people that you want to be surrounding yourself with, the kind of people that you want to create that with so radical honesty with self, but also Ooh, ooh, the hardest part, radical honesty with others, right? It's one thing to share in a friendship or in a coaching, counseling environment, right? Like, oh, this is what I really want. And, you know, I talk to people about their desires all the time, and so I hear a lot of what people really desire. And then it comes to sharing that in front of your partner. Then it comes to sharing that in front of somebody that you are potentially thinking about dating or exploring with, or something like that. Being able to have that level of radical honesty takes another component, right, but being able to do that really takes that inner work, that inner journey of being able to be being willing to be radically honest with yourself, first and foremost, that's gonna make it a lot more easily, too easy, to translate what that integrity for you really is when you're in connection with Another person. So I know I'm not like, concretely answering that question of like, when's the right time to tell somebody that you're Polly ever? So there's never a right time. That's my short answer. There is never a right time. It is always potentially going to be a little bit awkward and comfortable. But this process of radical honesty, unless, unless, of course, like you already, you know know, like you're you already know where each other stand on that or something, because your friends then, like, might be a much easier conversation,
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18:10Michaela Soleil
right? But knowing where you stand on that doing that inner job makes it a heck of a lot easier to be able to translate that to somebody you're having conversations with, and it's going to be able to come out more naturally at a pace that is good for you, right? Like, maybe you just met somebody, and it's a huge risk to share with them your deepest desires and fears and goals like, that's a lot to share with the stranger, and also that level of Radical Honesty is going to create that field like you're actually creating a more photogenetic field around you, an energetic field around you that says, This is me and my integrity. Do you like? Do you also vibe like? Do you vibe with my integrity? Like, does that fit in in your scheme of being in your integrity, you're creating this entire field around you that says this is what I'm calling in, and it might be weird and uncomfortable, and you might not like it, and you might actually just completely reject or dismiss me because of it, but I'm in integrity with myself, so at the end of the day, that is the most important thing. Because, again, this is what we're moving away from. You're we're moving away from just valuing the currency of like, Oh, I got somebody. I'm dating somebody like, oh, I have someone in my life, to No, I have somebody that is deeply in integrity with who I am and what I want, and they feel the exact same way about me, and I know that because we are radically honest with each other about that, because we are constantly having conversations about what is an integrity for us, what is true for each of us, and being able to get deeper and deeper and deeper into those levels of what is in. Integrity for the relationship that is being created, because that answer to that question is something that is going to be a question that can be asked over and over and should be asked, hopefully, is asked and talk about, talked about over and over and over again throughout the iterations of a relationship and of the journey of really committing to this process of loving another human being from a place of that wholeness, that completion and that integrity within yourself and within the relationship itself. And so the radical honesty probably easier with the self than it is with other people. For a lot of people, that's true. But to be able to do that right, and to be able to remain in integrity and to do that, well, it's not like you can just go, you know, oh well, this is my truth, and I'm just gonna, like, spit fireballs at anybody that comes around and tell them, like, this is my truth. And like, if you don't shape up like you gotta, you're gonna be shot down, right? And being like, very you know, when I say radical honesty, I'm not saying like, share your every thought and judgment and like, like, all the messy, ugly things of parts of you, like, all at once, anytime they come up right, like that is not what I mean by radical honesty. Because what's radical about honesty is really being able to what's the word like disseminate. I don't know if that's the right word, but to distill, there we go, to distill the truth, to be able to distill that integrity into the words, into the themes, into the very important things that need to be talked about. Right? The radical the honesty doesn't mean that we abandon courtesy and we abandon kindness and we put it on the other person entirely to figure out if they are in integrity with who we are. Right? You're continuously going in inward for that journey and distilling what it is that you really need to say, the questions that you really need to ask, the truths that really need to be shared in the right moment, in the right timing, and being able to communicate that skillfully right, radical honesty becomes brutal and painful. Honesty without the skills to communicate it right, without the ability to really slow down and have these deep conversations and say, Hey, I have something really important, like pretty vulnerable, that I'd like to share, you know? I'd love for you to hear this and to listen to listen to what I have to say, you know, and I'd love to go deeper into this conversation and being able to share that, not from a place of, you know, your own projections or your own fears, but really being able to own those projections and fears. Again, we're never pushing these things outside. We're never pushing them away from ourselves and saying, You don't belong here. We're actually bringing them more into Completion, more into sense of wholeness. And so if you know you have, like, a lot of traumas and triggers and stuff like, maybe those are conversations that you have closer to the beginning of a relationship. Hey, these are some things that I've struggled with in relationship in the past. They will likely come up again here. Here's how I've dealt with them. Here's how I actually help myself through these things, and here's what I found in relationship is really, really helpful to support me and care for me. How is that landing for you? Is that something like is trauma is a trigger, something you're aware of, is that something that you've ever talked about, is that something you understand within yourself? Is that something that you know you have capacity for in a relationship, to show up and support somebody in this way, because the level of relationship, or the level of connection I'm looking for, that's what we would be doing for one another. Is that something you've even thought about or considered as important for you, or something that would be an integrity with what you have capacity for right now, right? So a conversation like that helps you get that deeper and deeper and deeper discernment of is this connection in integrity with who I am and what it is that I want to create, and is that an integrity for them? And if we are out of integrity for whatever reason. How do we work towards coming back to that and again, we move back to radical honesty with self and developing the communication skills to be able to talk about that honesty, to be able to talk about that truth in a way that our partner, our friend, our person we're weaving with, created. With can receive it and can really understand what it is that we're saying. And that skillfulness and communication takes time, and it takes practice. And so if you're like, Oh, my God, I don't know how to do that, you know, please go listen to my other episodes on communication. I have one about kicking five bad habits in communication in 2025 I also have a really deep dive on exquisite listening. So that is a great one to really learn deeply, this process of really being able to communicate your feelings, wants, desires, needs, in a good way that is radically honest, without being brutally honest, in a way that that breaks down connection and breaks down a sense of trust, right? Because if somebody's just constantly firing missiles at you, or, you know, speaking every little thought on their mind, right, that that can actually break down trust, whereas when we can learn to share the distilled like beautiful truth that really needs to come out, and we learn how to do that within ourselves, and we learn how to work towards those communication skills to be able to do that, we are creating relationships that are in such deep integrity, and we're creating relationships that have the foundation to be able to continually have those conversations. So that question of like, how do I remain in integrity while exploring polyamory and non monogamy? When's the right time to have this conversation, when's the right time to tell my family? When's the right time to tell the kids, like all of these questions that I hear people ask all the time, this is the core of it, integrity with yourself, radical honesty with yourself, radical honesty with other, and skillful communication to be able to articulate what that truth is with another person and when and how and the right timing. Those are the things that people like to think about. Because we always want, like, concrete, you know, steps on like this is how you're going to be able to do your polyamorous lifestyle well and make sure that you don't like, you don't fuck up. It's like that comes from your own personal integrity code. And if sue you want to actually sit there and, like, draw up a plan for dating or for creating relationships, or for how you want to maintain the relationships that you create. You know, in different capacities, that is something you make for you. I cannot sit here and tell you, here's step a through B, E through Z. That's going to make sure that you don't like, fuck up the thing I don't know, right?
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27:32Michaela Soleil
Like, there's no there's no good answer to that. And so the answer is within your own integrity code, your own deep knowing and deep wisdom that sits within the heart of your soul, that sits within this beautiful field of your own integrity that you are creating in every time that you look within, get honest with yourself, build the capacity to be able to really say what you need to say, without the projections and fears and all the kind of things clouding The way and being able to get to that clear space of truly being able to say what you mean and mean what you say, because then you're going to get really, really, really good at discerning when somebody else is in integrity with what they say, as well knowing that when they say something it is true, right? Like knowing when when they're sharing something with you that is really, really the truth, right? Like their radical honesty is there too. And you're going to attract people that you can have that experience with when you are seated in that you know, that integrity of your own soul. And you'll more easily be able to see when the person or, you know, even if it's, like I said, like a professional relationship, or whatever it is, is not an integrity with your soul. It's not an integrity with who you are and the values that you hold. And I mean, we see this. This is why I think this. The name for this episode of, like, integrity is new. The new currency is that we see this all the time in business, and we're being sold things left and right every day. It's just like, normal part of life is just add, add, add. Like, even person on the internet, like, I don't know myself, right? That's like, talking to you about this, and then it's like, hey, click this thing to listen to my podcast. I'm also a coach, and I sell coaching services. It's like, yeah, right. That's the world we live in, like there's no shame, right? Like this is where we're at. This is what most of us do to make a living, right? Is to talk about what we do on the internet, in person, at workshops, at retreats, whatever it is. Like we're always being sold something, and we're always, you know, receiving that as well. And so we have to have this level of integrity. And when we create this, and when we focus on doing this in our relationships, which are the honestly, you know, when we think about, like, the the circles of like, how close things get to us, you know, maybe, you know, community stuff comes to a, you know. A slightly further away kind of thing, and then maybe work or professional relationships come a little bit closer. But those intimate relationships where you are sharing your heart and soul and your depth and your sexuality and all of your deepest desires and all of the things, oh my goodness, that is where we have actually the most insight. We have the most, the deepest ability to really be able to see our patterns, and really be able to see how we remain in integrity with ourselves and with one another. And it creates this deep, deep sense of being able to sniff bullshit from a mile away in personal relationships. You know, when you're talking to somebody and they're like, Yeah, I'm super polyamorous, you know? And like, I I love this lifestyle. Like, I'm so, such a skilled communicator. But then the way that they're communicating is, does not feel skilled, honor that, right? Like, that's remaining in your integrity and going, hmm, what they're saying is not matching up with, you know, their actions like, that's interesting. That's something to know. The same is true when you're navigating anything in the world these days, right? If what somebody is saying or the way that it's making you feel is not adding up with who you are and what it is that you want to call in, or you find yourself being swayed, or being like, persuaded to do something, to buy something, to buy into a relationship, to buy into a person, to buy into a program, a product, whatever it is, but that's not in integrity with you, and you feel you're being swayed, or like, sort of like, weirdly manipulated in a strange way into doing this thing that it's like, not really for You, when you really take that time to sit there, notice that, right? Like, that's what we're shifting out of. And a lot of people are still stuck in that sense of, like, well, you just gotta show them the gold. And like, this is what we do in relationship, too. It's Oh well on paper, like, I'm a great this, and I have all these finances and, like, I have my shit together and I have a job and I have a Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, and it's like, okay, well, how do you communicate about your feelings when you're upset? Ooh, oh, you scream and yell and throw things. Okay, cool. Good to good to know. Thank you. Thank you. Right. Again, integrity is becoming that new currency. Integrity is becoming the thing that we are looking for, that we are searching for, inside of ourselves, inside of our relationships, inside of our professional careers, inside of all the things that we are saying yes to. We are looking for that integrity. And so this is your, this is your, I don't know, wake up call or push our little little nudge to really double down on this process. If you are somebody that is wanting to create deeper relationships, that is wanting to explore polyamory, non monogamy, or just paradigm shifting relationships that are so deeply true to who you are, oh, my goodness, double down on this. Double down on your own integrity. Double down on radical honesty with yourself, on building those communication skills to be able to communicate that with the world in various ways, on various levels of existence, relationally, communally, professionally, all the things. And you will be surprised, because you will have a leg up for this new paradigm of like deep integrity that we are moving into, where the old paradigms of just like doing the thing for the sake of the thing is not going to work anymore. We don't see that as valuable any longer. We want the depth we want, the intimacy we want the truth. I know you do. If you're here listening to this, I know I do. I know that is, you know, the clients that I work with and the people that I talk to, that is what we're all searching for, and we're also really searching for the skills and the ways to be able to do that. So please, yeah, go listen to those other episodes on communication. Continue to to get curious about this. This, how do I remain in integrity with myself if you're facing some of those questions that I named during this episode, really get curious. What would your integrity code look like? What would your integrity dating code look like? What would your integrity, you know, partnership code look like, what? How is it that you want to be showing up? How is it that you want to create these things that are so deeply in integrity with who you are? Just mind map it, journal it. Make an art project. Get curious, meditate on it, dream about it, because that is going to birth this beautiful fountain, beautiful fountain of an integrity that is so true to you. And I just remembered I actually have a really great meditation that is really about going to this fountain and finding your unique expression of thriving, in sexuality, in you know, emotional expression and all of that. So I will also. Link that below at the bottom of this episode, because I think that that's a great little meditation to add in as well to help support this practice so and help support this this process. So thank you so much for listening. I look forward to speaking to you next time, and until then, have a beautiful number of many, many, many moments and enjoy. MA.
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