If you understand what your own boundaries are for yourself and why, then you protect your relationships from resentment.
Hi, welcome back to another episode. This week's episode is a request we've had from a listener. And we think it's a great episode to do, especially going into the holidays. And it is how to keep our boundaries during the holiday season. So we know that boundaries can be tricky, we're gonna go over kind of boundaries 101. And then we'll move into what to do when we have people we actually really love, who won't honor our boundaries. So Lina, what is a boundary,
a boundary is kind of like the idea of drawing a line in the sand. And that's an old reference. But it talks about how you can decide what you're willing to live with. And boundaries are designed to protect your relationships. So if I have healthy boundaries, and my the person that I'm in a relationship with is willing to be respectful of those boundaries, it helps the relationship blossom and it helps drive connection. And when our boundaries are too rigid or too loose, that can contribute to resentment, and it can drive disconnection. So boundaries are what, what I'm okay with and what I'm not okay, with.
Okay, that's a great explanation. And I think we'll, we'll dive into kind of the spectrum of boundaries in a few minutes. I think that's a really excellent point that sometimes when I was first learning boundaries, oh, my goodness, I was so rigid. I was like, No, you can't say it like this, you have to say I feel. And it was, it was actually really problematic. Because as we know, there, we have two drives that are main drives for humans. One is for safety, and one is for connection. And so if boundaries, if the whole purpose of boundaries is to help us connect in a better, more authentic way, then our boundaries being too rigid, can be problematic. I love that you said Correct. Okay, so for me boundaries, kind of feel like a container. That is my, my container where I know, I'm not going to go outside of my window of tolerance. I know that there's these rules and guidelines that I use for myself that are very loving so that I can be loving to other people. So an example of a boundary for me would be for the holiday season. My boundary is, you know, my parent, my husband's parents have both passed. But let's say I wanted to set a boundary about the time limits we will spend with his family. Because I also want to have enough time as our own family. And perhaps I want to spend time with my extended family. And so a boundary would be, you know, I'm totally willing to go to this holiday dinner with your family, I'd like to also spend time with us as a micro family and our five kids and my extended family. So this is what I'm willing to do.
Yeah, that can be very helpful. It depends on how you've communicated together with your spouse in the past. Because sometimes saying this is what I'm willing to do, can be seen as an invitation to push back, even though that's not the intention at all. So sometimes a more productive wording might be something like, how do you see us being able to navigate this? Or how do you think we can structure things so that we get to spend time with your family, but we also get to do these two other things that are important.
That's a great way to phrase it, that's a lot more neutral. I love that. And so some some really simple boundaries that we can, let's start with like boundaries, one to one, like when we are teaching boundaries to people in our community. We want to start with kind of the smaller boundaries that we can keep for ourselves. So right some of mine are that I do these certain things during the day that will help my my mental health and and that includes not participating in certain types of conversations. So one of my boundaries is not to engage in divisive interactions. So if someone's being really combative or divisive, then my personal boundary is to withdraw from that sense of tension and to almost acquiesce, not because I agree or not, because I'm afraid. In fact, my problem is the opposite, as our listeners know, is my go to emotion is anger when I feel pushed. But for me, acquiescing, or pulling back is not an emotional punishment. But it's an acknowledgement that my nervous system doesn't want to go the other way, I don't want to get super angry. And so when someone's being really combative, I can kind of pull back and, and be intentional about how I react. And sometimes I won't react. So if I get a really mean text or email, I won't respond for a little bit, because I'm trying to think how to respond in a way that's appropriate. And not combative. I don't want to keep fighting with people, I want to have peace. So what's a basic boundary that you have in your life,
I have a basic boundary about guarding my time. And the reason I do that is because if I'm not careful with my time, I might I lose energy really quickly, and then I lose my emotional regulation. And I don't want to lose my emotional regulation, because that's the way that we can connect with other people. That's how I connect with other people is by being regulated, it's very hard to connect when you're in your fight flight brain. So that's a really important boundary to me. I have learned this gradually over the years, but I don't do a lot of things socially, because it drains me so much. And I try to make sure that people know that when they extend an invitation, and I decline, it's not because of anything that's personal, it's because I have a really huge need in my nervous system to have a lot of downtime and a lot of quiet time. So that's one thing that I approach. I love
that you're being transparent about that, because I think there can be some shame about needing that much alone time and downtime. I know, the more in tune with my nervous system I become, the more I realized I need a lot more downtime than I ever realized. And there's a piece of me that feels bad, or, you know, I had to work through a sense of shame. Because I would say yes to every single social obligation, and then I just wouldn't show up, or I would cancel at the last minute because I couldn't get out the door. And so once I realized that if I just set the boundary, I would be able to honor it. And then that would give me more bandwidth to actually go to a few social things, instead of saying yes to everything, and then canceling everything and being the flaky friend, that was a lot more authentic to who I wanted to be in my relationships.
I think that's a really good point is that when I talked about how boundaries are protective of our relationship, if you understand what your own boundaries are for yourself, and why, then you protect your relationships from resentment by in the at the beginning of the exchange or the beginning of the experience. You don't say yes to things that you're later going to cancel. That protects your relationship. Yeah, so what's it?
What's a good phrase that we can teach our listeners to set a boundary about their time?
I think that one of the really, most helpful ones is to give yourself space, because a lot of times when we say yes, automatically, it's because our nervous system has been primed to please people. Yeah. And so if we can say, let me get back to you about that. Or let me give it some thought, or I would love to, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to what you're doing is you're expressing your interest or your your positive feeling for that person or that event. And you're also saying, I'm not sure if that's going to work for me. Yeah.
I know that. Boundaries. Do protect us, as we said, because we end up being more I keep using the word authentic, but I just keep coming back to it. So it seems to help us represent our true needs and motivations in a way that I'm not Did you know that other things can't. So when we have these guidelines, what would be if you've never really set boundaries, or if you have and people haven't respected them, what would be your tips for resetting them or kind of getting a little bit more intentional about your boundaries, when
we, when we know that the only person we can control is ourselves and sometimes not even then, and we are intentional, and that we go in with the intention of being respectful of both my wishes and the other person's wishes, which doesn't always mean we say yes, it just means that we consider both people's wishes or intentions, then we are starting out a conversation about boundaries and a much less defensive place. And that can be very helpful. And the, when I had a client say to me a few weeks ago, the thing about being a pleaser is as soon as you stop pleasing people, they get really angry. And I thought that was so pithy, like that was such a great statement. Because when we are changing the way we engage with people, it's very, it can be very distressing or disturbing to their nervous system. And they want to make sure things stay the same. So they'll push even harder for what they want. And then we get into a quandary, because we're determined to stick with our boundaries, but the other person isn't accepting them. And if we can, when we're starting out on this journey with boundaries, if we can be aware that we're not going to be consistently successful at this at the beginning, because really, what we're doing is we're retraining our brain, and then we're re establishing a new dynamic in a relationship, that sometimes you just gotta give in. Because it's just gonna, you know, keep the peace. And the thing I always had talked to my clients about in the past was that, if you decide you're not going to push the issue, that's okay, because you're making a decision. And it's okay for you to make a decision to not die on that hill,
for sure. And that shows some flexibility. I know, as a parent, I don't want to use specific examples of my children, because that's my commitment that I won't throw them under the bus publicly. But I know, as a parent, I have to be super flexible with some of my boundaries, because each child is so different. And what the boundaries that worked with one child get pushed by another child, and then I have to actually consider what is the purpose of this boundary? Is it for me to control them? Or is it because I am concerned about their safety, and I'm in charge of their safety? And this will actually help keep them safe? So when it's a great question, thank you, when it's motivated out of the need to control my children, for the sake of feeling in control, I have to rethink it. And I have one child who is just brilliant at helping me rethink my boundaries. Sometimes it's really uncomfortable. But they will often say, but that doesn't make sense why? And I have to actually think about it. And if it doesn't make sense, then we have a discussion. And we bring, you know, obviously Kevin into it as well. And we set up a different boundary that works for all of us.
That's so beautiful, Amy, it's very difficult to do, because part of how we run a household is by keeping things in line in order. But a lot of things that we bring into our families with our partner, and our own children are kind of traditions and dynamics that we grew up with. And they don't always make sense like truly, and kids who ask their parents questions because things don't make sense to them. They can often become a victim of blame. Because the parent is the parent has difficulty understanding that they are not infallible. And that it is possible that what they're doing in terms of their parenting doesn't make sense, but it's something that they've memorized as a child because of their own family dynamics.
Thank you. Yeah, I think that's a great explanation. And I feel really grateful that I'm, I've built up that flexibility because I didn't always Is habit. And it's it's a growing process, which means there's a little bit of discomfort and some pain. And there are still some hard lines, I am not going to allow substances in my home. That is my clear boundary, I'm sober. You know, my husband doesn't drink or do any substances. So that's a very, very hard line. That one's not flexible. Other boundaries are flexible. You know, curfews or technology use is a huge one, like, why can't we have more screens, and typically, I'll pull out the research. And I know there's a new study that shows that gaming can be helpful for kids. But when you when you read the research, it's very nuanced, it has to be particular types of games. So I'll usually pull out the research and the American Pediatric Association guidelines for them, but if I'm wrong, then we can have a conversation.
Yes. And what you're doing is you're modeling that flexible thinking, so that when they enter important relationships in their lives, they have also memorize the ability to retreat, take responsibility, apologize and make a repair attempt. And that type of modeling is invaluable. If you want to have children that function well in the adult world.
Thank you. That's all the mental health care that I've gotten over my years, helped me become a better mom. Awesome. So let's say we have a boundary crosser in our lives, we've set a boundary, yes. And you know, they're not going to come out to our face and say, I will not respect your boundary, they're just gonna keep pushing, as you talked about. So all right, we handle that in a way that for me, I need something that's not going to be very combative. Right, because of my commitment to not explode it people. Right? So my poor listeners, they probably think I'm, like, terrifying, but it's very much on the Download Now. It's just I know what I used to be when I was younger, and it was big. So what can we do if we have a boundary crosser?
If we have a boundary crosser, there are a couple of tools that we can use, I remember putting together as a sheet, about these tools, when I was working on a curriculum for high conflict, co parenting classes. And they're, they're so effective. They're really hard to do, though, because our natural response is going to be what we're already wired to do. And we have these shortcut reactive responses. But one of them is to use the broken record technique. And but you have to be able to do it like calmly and kindly. So if somebody says to me, I really want you to come to the barbecue I'm having on Saturday. And they say, Oh, I would love to, but my weeks been really long. And I'm pretty tapped out and they say, but it's only 15 minutes, you only have to stay for 15 minutes. And I say oh, no, thank you. I like it sounds so much fun. But that's not going to work. I need to get some rest. And I don't understand why you won't come to my party. They Say I Say I I know, it's really hard for people to understand how much like downtime and quiet time I need. They say so why can't you just, you know, come for a little bit. So at that point, what can be very helpful is to say, you really want me to come to your barbecue. And what that does is it shows the person subconsciously that you heard them, and that lowers the reactivity in the limbic system, the fight flight brain. So I say that to them. You really want me to come to your barbecue? And they say yes, I don't understand why you can't. And I say I know it doesn't make sense to you. And I really appreciate that. It seems silly or minor to you. And unfortunately, I can't do it this weekend. But I hope you invite me again. If I do hope they invite me again. If I do not hope they invite me again. I will not say oh pm by me.
I love that because you're very kind. You're very calm. And yes, it's a broken record. But you've changed a few key words each time so it's not demeaning or you know, when people kind of talk down to you and they'll just repeat themselves and you can feel it, that they're that they're not respecting who you are as a person and so the way you're doing Get the message is broken record, but your nuancing it by saying those different phrases like, you know, I would love to come normally, but I need a lot of downtime and then the next time I know it, it sounds really fun, I just need a lot of downtime. And it can be exhausting when people are pushing our boundaries, like exhausting, especially initially, I was always afraid if I held a boundary that people would hate me and never want to be my friend again. Right. But it is so critical to learning to nurture ourselves, essentially,
yes, and nurture our relationships, being able to understand that boundaries is not some kind of horrible word. And it's not intended to shut people down. It's intended to enhance our emotional regulation and enhance the way that we're growing our relationships, that that can help us understand that the boundaries that we set up are designed to be productive.
Yeah. And connecting ultimately, Yes, correct. Okay, I have a question. What if you've, you've set your boundaries, the person has crossed it, you've been firm, you've been kind, and then they show up at your house to take you to the barbecue. So they show up at my house, to take me to the barbecue. I know that my my reactive reign would be online at that point. But I'd be very,
I'd be very frustrated that they didn't have the capacity to either hear me or believe me. And so let's say I open the door and I say, Oh, hi, how are you? And they say I came to take you to the party. I say oh my gosh, that's so nice of you. I don't know if you remember, but I'm not going to be able to go tonight. But I know it will be good for you. And you'll have so much fun. You're You're probably right. And I can see it's hard that I don't want to come just because of my energy levels. And then you just keep saying the same thing. The the place that we get into a lot of trouble is when we try to make the person understand our stance. So if if if I'm trying to make the person in front of me who came to my door, understand my stance, I go into long explanations, and I start to get frustrated. And I say Why aren't you listening to me? I don't have time for this, those sorts of comments. But when you when you are able to keep your emotional regulation around boundaries, it is so much more effective than getting upset or angry. And what we tend to do is we tend to either withdraw like flee emotionally or physically, or we tend to go into fight. And that can be passive aggressiveness, it can be aggression, verbally, that kind of thing. So we were trying to find ways to change the dynamic without losing ourselves and without losing our temper, I guess is a great way of putting that. Yeah.
And the other thing I'm aware of is we're trying to change the dynamic without changing them. Because we can't
control them. Brilliant. Absolutely. And that is so difficult. Yeah,
inner thank you in a relationship, because we can only change ourselves, we cannot change other people. And so the long explanations or the frustration is because we are noticing they will not change. And my experience with boundaries are that 95% of the people that I've had boundaries with and told boundaries to have shifted enough that we can stay in relationship. But there are a few people that I can think of where I've set boundaries, and they've crossed them. And I was unable to maintain a close relationship. And that was it's hard. And it's it's, it's very sad. I always feel sad when that happens because I love the person or I wouldn't have been in a relationship with him in the first place. Right? And I'm not talking about a marriage like if Kevin crosses one boundary, I'm like, I'm out. I'm talking multiple times where you've really tried with this person and it could be a significant relationship or it could be a friendship or it could be a colleague, but you have tried several times and they are not able to respect your boundaries. That's when we have a choice of of how to engage and whether or not to engage with people.
Correct? Yeah. Absolutely. Good point. Thank
you. Okay, real quick, typical things we see at the holidays for boundaries and the need for boundaries and boundary crossing, one of the things I'm thinking of is time spent with family. So we like to suggest that you set a time limit, you could choose a neutral place, if there's a particular location that's really triggering, you could, one of the things I like to do is plan things for my children to do that I don't have to be in close proximity to certain people. So that I can allow my children to enjoy their company. But since we don't have as close of a relationship, I can still engage more loosely with them. So that would look like planning an activity where the kids are doing something with them, or as a big group, and I can hang back if I need to. The other boundary I'm thinking of is substances. And this is something I think about all the time, because obviously, I'm sober. But as I've coached other people who are going through their own journey and have decided to reduce or give up alcohol, that's something that's been very, very difficult, especially at the holidays for families to respect. And so you get a lot of why won't you drink? What's going on? Do you think you're better than us? And so those are some very difficult push backs. For someone who wants to drink all the time anyways.
Right?
So what are some phrases we could use when it comes to alcohol or even food at the holidays? If you've decided you're not eating certain foods, because they aren't helpful for your your gut health? How can we navigate those conversations?
That's a really big one. food and alcohol. When I've talked to a lot of people who I've coached through some sobriety steps, and sometimes what they choose to do is they choose to carry around a beverage that's not alcoholic. And so if somebody says to them, have you tried this, you know, mixed drink, whatever it is, and you say, oh, no, I have what I need right here, thank you. And it can be soda water, or seven, nine up or it can be juice, it can be whatever you'd like. But it kind of acts as a little bit of a pre emptor. So instead of walking around, without anything in my hand, knowing that I'm going to get multiple offers for a drink, I walk around with something in my hand and indicate when somebody asks me, have I tried something? Or do you want a beer? Oh, no, I'm great. I've got this right here. So that's one way love it, the food thing is really challenging, because people equate the enjoyment of the food they prepared with your love for them. And that's very mixed up. But it happens in multiple families across the world. And the same thing can be done with that you can walk around with a plate. I have a funny story about a client who had a very insistent grandmother. And so she would put a few things on her plate, and then she would walk around to the plants and dumping in the plants or she would or she would find the dog, or she'd say I'm gonna go outside and catch her breath of fresh air and she dumped the plate there. So that was her choice. Because the the grandmother was so insistent, she knew it would potentially wreck the occasion, if she didn't find some way to work around the assistant grandmother. So I'm not endorsing subterfuge, and I'm not endorsing sneakiness. I'm saying that. It's okay to find ways to work around people's insistence, I guess is what I'm saying. Yeah, when
they're when they're boundary pushers, and this was this client was probably a teenager. am I guessing? Or an adult? Oh, man. Whoa. Yeah, that's rough. I think for the food thing. I hope and I see this more and more at restaurants. And now that we live in the Midwest, it's not as common out here as it is on the west or the East Coast. But people seem to understand food allergies more they seem to understand different nutrition needs and hopefully you're in an environment where people will respect that you have made choices. Are your health? If not, what I like to say is, oh, I, I would love to eat that. But I don't think anyone else will be want to be around me for the next two days, too. And I make a joke about it. I'm like, I know I'm gonna be in the toilet or stinking up your house and I don't want. And I don't go that far typically unless it's family and then you know, we have a dark sense of humor our family. Yeah. But if it's just Well, friends, it's more like, oh, yeah, you want to be around me if I eat that?
I think that's hilarious. I. The other thing I think about with boundaries is that when I talked about them being protective, if I approach my boundaries, not because I'm protecting myself from you, because that really does not work in a dynamic. So if I say to somebody, well, I have to be this assistant, because you never stop pushing me, that's actually not a healthy setting of boundaries.
Right? Because it's actually conflict based and accusatory.
And it's also an external locus of control based. So if you didn't push me, I wouldn't have to behave a certain way. And we need to start calling that out, because that is an abuse model. And so if I'm going to say I have a, you know, I'm really uncomfortable when you yell at me, that I need to be equally aware as of when I start yelling, and how that affects people.
Okay, okay. So what I hear you saying is really to consider feedback we're getting in our relationships, instead of being just automatically defensive. And yeah, explaining why we do something. And we should do another episode on validating because I think that's another skill sets. That I mean, that's changed my life. And we go, yeah, it's like, magic sauce. Yeah. And I feel like it goes hand in hand with boundaries. So look for an episode about validation, and validating others without agreeing with them in the next few weeks, because well, we'll do that as well. Great. Well, is there anything else about boundaries that you wanted to add or let our listeners know,
there's a learning curve. And so typically, when we are learning something new, we can get very frustrated with ourselves when we're not doing it the way we think we should be doing it. And we've talked a lot about in our program and on our podcast about self compassion, and just noticing without any judgment, what's happening. And so as you learn this new skill, and you learn how to handle people who are not happy with these new boundaries, just know that there will be mistakes, and that you will behave in a way that you regret, because this is new behavior. And we have to lay down new neural pathways in order to engage in it more automatically. Absolutely.
Well, thank you so much. And it's always a pleasure to talk to you as a podcast partner, as opposed to a sister.
Well, both. Same.
That's awesome. And thank you, as a friend for respecting my boundaries when I set boundaries. I think you're really good at that with me, and I really appreciate it.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're welcome. All right, peeps. We will see you next week. And the holidays are upon us. So it's very exciting, and we hope to serve you in any way possible. Find us on Instagram. Email us if you have a question Hello at mending trauma, or if you have an episode suggestion. And if you feel so inclined, we would love a five star review on wherever you listen to podcasts, so that we can help more people. And I hope everyone has a wonderful week. Take care everybody. Thank you for listening to the universe's your therapist this week. If you have any questions or looking for more information, you can find us at mending trauma on Instagram, as well as mending trauma.com Our website and if you're enjoying our content, we'd love it if you could rate review and subscribe to the show. We'll see you all next week.
