Part 2: Supporting Infants and Toddlers through Extended Separations and Reunions

3:58AM Jul 16, 2024

Speakers:

Narrator

Priscilla W.

Beth Menninga

Keywords:

toddlers

separations

child

infants

routines

reunions

feeling

person

beth

adults

stress

family

parent

goodbyes

children

change

happening

key

care

talk

Welcome to Inclusion Matters a podcast about children's development from the Center for Inclusive Child Care.

Welcome to Inclusion Matters a podcast from the Center for Inclusive Child Care. I'm Priscilla Weigel, the executive director, and I'm here again with my colleague and friend Beth Menninga, who is our coaching manager at CICC. And I am grateful that you are joining me for part two Beth of our conversation about infants and toddlers and separations and reunions. And part one, we talked about just those similar day to day, kind of typical mornings and afternoons, goodbyes, hellos, all of that, and how to really set up for success. But now for part two, we're going to talk about some of these things that can be really challenging for families and for young children, extended separations and reunions. So welcome Beth and tell us a little bit more about what you want to share on this topic today.

Well, I think that extended separations happen in most infant or toddlers lives at some point when we think about all the possibilities. So it might be even something as simple as work travel. I remember, not when I was an infant so much, but when I was younger, my dad did a lot of travel for work, and he was home, and then he wasn't home, and it might be for a week or more at a time. So it was not just a daily saying goodbye to him, but I might not sesee him for a week and I was old enough to understand that. But it would be different for an infant or toddler to have that work travel families, you know, divorce or split up households, which the question then is even, will they continue to see that other key adult in their life or not? Sometimes that means they don't ever see that person again. So to keep that in mind, if there's a split in a relationship, but if they do now, the relationships, the rituals of routines, everything changes. Deployment, military deployment is another one that happens for a lot of children, and that's a little more traumatic sometimes depending on what happens, because it's harder to predict when it's it's going to end. And incarceration, foster care, hospitalization. You have a parent who has to be hospitalized for a while, or a key caregiver in the home, or even your key your family child care provider, right, suddenly has to be hospitalized and that person, that key attachment figure, is no longer there for you as a child. So those are some examples of extended separations that can come up for young children in their lives, and now, when we think about infants and toddlers again, thinking from that child's perspective, they don't understand what is going on, right, right? They don't understand and we have to be really careful how we talk about it, because the infants aren't going to do this, but the toddlers, and certainly preschoolers, tend to think it's their fault. They make a connection with something they did last time they saw this person or that they're the cause of you know, toddlers are very egocentric, particularly about them. They're learning all about themselves, and they're a very important person, and so they think they cause sometimes these separations. So we have to be really mindful of the language we use about it. And even with infants, what we also need to be mindful of is they're feeling this, even if they don't understand it. This important person, and this is where talking about attachment, as we did before, and we have a great we have a wonderful self study on that by the way, we learn all about attachment, but thinking of that attachment figure suddenly being gone, what has happened? And there's no understanding from an infant's perspective, so we have to be aware that that's going to affect children in different ways. So their sense of security is going to be less. They're just going to lose that sense of security. For infants, it might be, you know, or toddlers too, you might seesome regression or slower development for a little while, as they're just, they're needing safety, they're needing to feel secure again, and they aren't feeling it. They can't comfort themselves like they used to be able to, or they just can't be comforted. Even though you used the work to do certain things with them, they might not work anymore for comforting them. They they're mourning a loss. They can't even describe it, the baby can't describe, a toddler can say "where's mommy" and an infant can't do that. They're missing that mom. So we want to have, I would say, if you know, there's a couple key things to remember about these kinds of separations. One is that usually there's other stresses in the family that go along with this. So it might be that they just have to change the routines that someone else is now in charge of different things, that there's no longer certain things that are done in the family. It might be the space that you're in might change. You might have to live somewhere else, whether that's because of household breaking up, or maybe now someone's coming to live with you to help the other parent out. So the all those kind of stresses that are coming along with this, and maybe if something traumatic happens, there's a death or a serious illness or some other grief involved, so there could be trauma associated with it for the family as well as for the child, but there's certainly stress, usually some sort of stress involved in this that's not just about the absence for the child, but in the family, there's some stress. So they're having to figure out how to handle this change in the family, not just for the child. And then some of these absences are predictable. We know when they're going to end. We know how long they're going to be deployment. We kind of, you know, there's some predictability work travel. There's some predictability. Even with divorce. There might are spilled up. There might be some predictability with illnesses or deaths or foster care incarceration, we can't predict certain things, so there's for that adult, there's that unpredictability that's in the mix for that key caregiver that's still with the child, or the key caregivers that are still with the child, so They're feeling the stress of that as well. And then there's a question of, how do we talk about this so the parents, the families, know it's coming or not? Some of these things, again, you might know they're going to happen, and other things might be unexpected. So when possible and you know it's coming, that's when you have the conversation with the family about preparing. And so thinking about how to prepare the child both in terms of what are we going to do in both places to make them feel as safe and secure and as much predictability and consistency, as possible but also, what are we going to say? Now, again, with nfants, we're not going to describe what's happening, because they aren't going to understand that, but we can name the emotions, which is really important. And again, people sometimes forget, babies have emotional responses to all this, and they're feeling ours. So just naming that missing. You know, you miss your mom, you miss your dad. Dr Carol Siegel did a wonderful workshop on this, and I also am borrowing from Dr Rebecca Schlafer, who did a workshop on incarceration. You know, keep it simple, but for infants, just you miss so and so, they will come back. Or if you don't know that's happening, you don't have to say that, but I will keep you safe those kind of words that we sometimes use as trauma. I will help you till they come back, just naming it for those infants. The toddlers you can talk about, you know, this is I know it's making you sad to miss mommy. I know it's making you sad to miss Daddy. They had to go do something important, and they're trusting me to stay with you until they come back. So if someone left them, drop them off, you can say, and so and so it's going to be picking you up again. I'm going to be taking care of you. Mommy wanted me to take care of you during the day. And sometimes kids are afraid to be happy, afraid to play. Those toddlers is who we are talking about giving them it's okay.,Mommy said it's okay for you to play while you wait, if they if they need that permission. If you're watching a kid who's normally going to go get engaged, and you're seeing their their they seem to be reluctant. That might be a cue to you that they're feeling like, oh, I I've got to just wait around for Mommy to return. Like I can't be happy. I can't be, you know, feel anything but sadder. I just need to sit with you and wait for her to come back. It's okay to play while you wait for Mommy to come back. It's okay to go play with so and so. It's okay to sit with me. It's okay and I'm here to keep you safe. Those messages are really important. And you know, the toddler is fearing, you know, somehow they caused it. So you really just want to say a little bit about that they're gone and and they love you kind of thing. And it's you don't say it's not something you did, but you want to just watch out to be sure they don't think that, and find out from the parent what kinds of things they're okay with you saying. Share some of that script, because they might want the same language. It's really keeping it simple. With preschoolers, we might get into a little bit more detail. Like, you know, for the incarceration workshop, she talked about saying, you know, mommy broke a rule and has to go. Because she broke the rule, she has to go do some work on that before she can come back. But you're not going to do that with a toddler, but you do want to check with the parent to find out what it is okay to say, and also help the parent understand that something needs to be said to the child so we just don't pretend that nothing's happening here because the child is feeling it for all those reasons I said before. The stress in the family, the absence of the key person. They can't understand as an infant or toddler, what's going on, we're explaining it to them, so they really need us to acknowledge this. Feels weird not to have this person here. You're sad because you missed them, and we're here to take care of you until they come back.

Yeah. I think in some of those cases, too, and I'm thinking back to when I was working with kids in, you know, direct service, having a calendar of the days of the week, even a visual to show a photo of who's going to be coming into pickup. Because in some of those cases, and you know this Beth, just to cover drop off and pick up time, you've got to enlist the support of a lot of other people. And so if you know that that routine at the end of the day or the beginning of the day is going to be different with those pickup people, those important key people, having that away ahead of time to show the child that little visual. Not that you need the whole month plan, but maybe you know you can get those little whiteboards that just, you know, and just little photos on there, because, and I think this goes back to a strong theme in our part one, and it's clearly a strong theme in this conversation as well. Connecting with those primary caregivers to have the conversations, because the child care setting might be the most stable, consistent piece at that time of all these other changes. And so we have the opportunity to really support success for this child and for this family by lifting some of the worry you were just talking about that you know, have helping share the dialog of what you're saying to the child, because a lot of times, in cases, that's the hardest part for a family to be like, what do we say? How do we explain this? And that's when they look to us as the professionals who work in the field all the time. We have some of those tools and resources at the ready. Not that we have to have all the answers, but as you shared, two great examples of experts in the field pulling from their resources and tools to be able to help families understand, how do I explain this to my toddler? What do I say? You know, it is scary. It's a lot. It's change once again, and change can be hard.

Sometimes, depending on what the separation is, you can go and see that person, if they're incarcerated or they're in the hospital, or maybe they're they're back for a little bit from a trip or so, or you can FaceTime them or something and so you want to prepare children for that, too, if you're going to do that, so they know it's happening. And you know, this day and age, kids are using technology more, so that may be what you're doing, but explaining, you know, again, so and so can't come be here, but they wanted to talk to you on the phone, because they can do that. And again, this is a toddler, not an infant, but I think that's something, you know, if a teacher's out, say, you've got a teacher who's out on maternity leave. I know during the pandemic, teachers did some of this, you know, where they couldn't see the children in their group, so they did a zoom and just read a story to them, or something like that. Or they sent a note. So if you have to be gone and you know you're going to be the separated person, think about ways you can sort of send messages. Maybe a child takes the summer off, and so it's different kind of extended separation and not traumatic. But you may want to just keep those connections going. I like that idea of of when we can, but also recognize we don't. We can't expect young children to them have the same reactions we will to these things, right? So getting to reunion, yes,

I was just going to say, let's talk. About when, when the reconnection happens, because that can sometimes be just as challenging in different ways.

Well, think about what happens sometimes at the end of the school day or the end of the childcare day, or the end of the day where a child's been somewhere that they've enjoyed, they feel comfortable they love and you come to pick them up. Do they always greet you with open arms and welcoming and so pleased to see you? No. The same can happen even more so after a longer separation, and partly that's because they've been carrying some big feelings about missing this person, and it can look like kind of miscue they might say, in the mental health world, like, oh, they're not, they're not having an appropriate reaction. It's really about reaction. It's really about they have deep feelings, and some of it might be anger, especially now that this person is safely back to me right, right now, I can be mad at them. Yeah, I wasn't mad before. Before I was sad. I was worried. Did I cause this? You know what, ,hat went wrong? What happened? I don't understand. They're back and now I'm mad because you left me. That is a normal reaction. Actually, if you think about adults, we can have those reactions to separations. So what we need to help the parent, especially who's coming back or the caregivers is coming back, recognize this is not an abnormal reaction, and it also doesn't mean they don't care. It probably means they care a lot, and they're just trying to figure out how to handle their emotions and about all of this, it's been so heavy, and now we're going to change roles again and routines and everything else. So that also adds more, right? There's family stress again. Truly, that's a good I mean, we always say there's, there's good reasons for stress as well as bad and that can be a good reason. Oh, now we've got to change our routines again. And, oh, now so and so is going to do this again. When they were mom was doing it or dad was doing it before. Now Mom's going to do it again. It changes again. So there's the stress of that, adjusting to new roles, and maybe they don't go back to the way they were before. And and the adults are having some trouble making their own adjustments. So we can see that with children too. So thinking about, back to you were talking about, what if the there's a different caregiver that ends up picking up the child than before, we can teach them some of the routines that they had been doing with their other caregiver, their goodbyes and hellos. But we can also talk about that when the person comes back, because maybe they've developed a new routine. They've gotten older, you know, maybe there's something different that they do now at hellos and goodbyes that they can do, that they could share with their parent or their grandma or whoever is so helping that person recognize this is we know this isn't going back to the same, but we know that you're still connecting with your child, and you want to know, how have they changed? What? What are they still doing that is the same? How can you stay connected? Do you want to develop new routines. Yeah, maybe they want to develop something new. So again, it's always about supporting that connection between the parent and the child. How do we support them through that transition? And again, acknowledging, yep, this can be hard for us too, yes, because it's going to disrupt our our goodbyes and lows again, probably as well, because there's now been a change in the reunion, so recognizing that we may have to set a little more time aside for greetings and departures and more conversation with families about yeah, you guys, this was a big change again, and I'm so happy for you, and it's going to be a little bit hard. How can I support you? Yeah, and I'm letting you know, how we're supporting your child. We recognize some days they're extra tired now because they're so happy to have you back. There's just feeling all the feelings those kinds of things, yeah, really again, acknowledging and not ignoring the emotional side of this is going to help children and help adults realize, oh, I'm here to help my child manage their emotional response, not correct it, but just manage it.

That;s a great way to wrap up this conversation Beth, that we really are there. And you talked about it in part one, a little bit too about, you know, infants and toddlers are just beginning their life here on Earth, outside of, outside of the womb, and so we have to be reminded, I think, regularly, as we kind of go about our business as adults. Oh, yeah, these are big things that these little bodies and little brains and little emotional systems and little nervous systems are all holding that may be very difficult to navigate on their own, probably will be difficult to navigate. And so that's where we come in. And then also the stress of, you know, not knowing what tomorrow will bring, we can't predict it, but we can know that we are here to support their family and them as early childhood professionals and so thank you, Beth Menninga, for joining me in part two of this wonderful conversation about infants and toddlers and separations and reunions. If you want other resources that are focused on infants and toddlers and Beth mentioned trauma as well, we have some great resources on our website, inclusivechildcare.org. Certainly reach out to us if you have other ideas for podcast topics. We love being responsive and getting things out to you that you need and that you will find useful. Thank you Beth and thank you, listeners.

Thanks for listening. For more resources visit us at inclusivechildcare.org. Thank you.