Part 1: Supporting Infants and Toddlers through Routine Separations and Reunions

3:58AM Jul 16, 2024

Speakers:

Narrator

Priscilla W.

Beth Menninga

Keywords:

toddlers

routine

child

parents

talking

goodbye

separation

part

infant

children

beth

comfort

helping

early childhood educator

feel

adult

hard

relationships

reunions

snuggly

Welcome to Inclusion Matters a podcast about children's development from the Center for Inclusive Child Care.

Welcome to Inclusion Matters, a podcast from the Center for Inclusive Child Care. I'm Priscilla Weigel, the executive director, and I'm very excited to be joined by my colleague, friend and coaching manager at CICC, Beth Menninga, who is here to talk to us today about a topic related to infants and toddlers. And it's looking at the routines of separations and reunions that happen a lot in those little lives. And we're going to do two parts to this series. The first part is really looking at things that happen kind of in that routine way. And then part two is going to look at more extended separations and reunions. So be sure to tune in for part two as well. Welcome, Beth, thanks for joining me.

Thanks, Priscilla, I'm glad to be here. Love talking about those infants and toddlers.

I know it. Well, all the ages are our favorite, I have to say. But these are, I think that in the in the realm of early childhood resources, even I feel like we hear a lot that there needs to be more related to infants and toddlers in those early stages of life. And so we're trying to bolster our resources as an organization to give those of you out there listening more options to listen and get more tools and strategies. So when you think about those routine separations and reunions Beth, let's just list a few of those in the life of a toddler and an infant.

Yeah, well, I mean, I think everyone thinks of the obvious, right? That's the arrival at the beginning of the day and the departure at the end of the day. Those are a daily routine that you probably hopefully you talk about with parents before the child even starts and you're planning for them, and you know that can get challenging, etc. But there are other routine separations that happen that you might not think of or remember, oh, that's still a separation for the child, because they have a lot of relationships. They have the relationships with the caregiver who drops them off, but they might also have relationships with people in their classroom, and if they are in a center in a classroom, do they always stay with the same group of children? Or do they sometimes change? Or when they're transitioning up from being, you know, a young toddler to an old toddler again in a center. That might be it's routine as far as the program goes, but I know you all do a lot of planning about, okay, they're going to be separating from their group, how do we help them transition even siblings? If they're going to care together, that's great if they aren't either they aren't in the same classroom, or their sibling goes to school, they're separating from their sibling for the day. Again, routine, but it's a separation from a key person in their lives. A teacher may be out for the day, or their provider may be sick, someone's on maternity leave, whatever there can be those again. They're routine, they're parts of daily life, but they require a separation from a key person in that baby or that toddler's life, right?

And especially when you look at comfort and predictability and consistency, I feel that what we've been hearing in the field, in our work, through coaching, a lot of those separations are happening more frequently, perhaps in some of the larger care situations where there might be that teacher out, and so you're moving not just the adult, but sometimes you're moving the whole group into a different space too, which can send children into a little bit of a what's happening next? My favorite toys aren't here. My things that are comfortable and I like at this time of day aren't part of my day. I mean, that's one more thing that's happening I think a lot out there.

Yes, yes, for sure. So I think we have to start by thinking about, I mean, there are key strategies you've been talking about consistency, and we'll talk about some others. But what what's happening from the child's perspective? So I always start by thinking about attachment. You know, we know that we learn and grow as young children, infants and toddlers in particular, but all young children are learning in the context of relationships. And attachment theory says that we really learn about relationships as well as about the world, and develop our social emotional skills when we have are able to have close and secure attachments to some of the key adults in our lives. So this is important so that children can feel secure to go out and explore which, which is part of separation, right? It's taking those risky steps, and it's also related to separation, and then that we help children regulate. And separation is a stressful event, as we know, there's life is full of stresses, and there's a healthy aspect to that. It helps us cope with the day to day changes in human life, in the life in the world, but our regulations help us start to learn to regulate and respond to the stress of that separation, and in fact, over time, help us figure out, how do I help myself manage my emotions about separating from this person. So again, thinking about those and starting with infants. So if you have an infant coming to you, let's say they come before six months of age, so they don't even have that understanding of object permanence, right? That happens around seven to nine months, babies suddenly realize, even though I don't see you, you still exist. And man, I miss you. I miss my key person. Where's my key person? So that's when we start to see babies having anxiety with strangers. They might call it stranger anxiety. That's a term that's often used at that point, even with grandparents. You know, Mom drops me off. I'm going to cry because my I remember now Mom's not here. I recognize the fact Mom's not here, or dad dropped me off, he's no longer here. I am bummed out because my key person isn't here, and I can remember that. And then by about 18 months, it's really when that peaks. The separation anxiety usually around that age is when it peaks. But kids can, kids can show separation anxiety, certainly into year four, they start kindergarten, they're going to feel that again. And what we know is about self regulation and stress, is that children, even who have some good self regulation skills, and those children who can do it without adults, tend to not be infants and toddlers. The infants need us really completely to help them regulate. The toddlers, they are starting to work on it, but they need our help. But when it's stressful, even kids who have those skills down better, they need help. And a separation is a stressor. So keeping in mind that what we're doing is helping children develop strategies to cope through and sort of manage the fact that they're missing this key person. And we just listed a bunch of possible key persons. It might be their favorite teacher, isn't in today. And so there is wandering around the room a little bit today because they're key teachers out sick and and they miss that key person. So how do we help them regulate. It's really thinking about what we're doing with that to help children manage and start to really learn and understand what happens with a separation. Mama is going to come back. Papa's gonna pick me up this evening. Those kinds of things that we don't understand as an infant and a toddler, toddlers start to work on it, but it's still hard, still really hard. And so I think thinking about what's going on from that child's perspective can help us take perspective when we think about, okay, what's going on here with this child? And oh, wait, this four month old, they were perfectly fine with their mom going, and now they are six months and they're crying. What happened? Oh, yeah, this is actually a good thing. This is exciting. They've developed object permanence, something to share with a parent, because this is going to stress the parent out right now, crying when they leave, because there's two. It takes two to create that attachment relationship and so, and you know that, as an early childhood educator, that connection with the child, if they're out sick for a while, you miss them, or you're going to be gone, you missed them. It both parties are missing. It's just that we as adults know how to cope with that separation. I think it starts with that conversation with families right away, when they begin in your care before their child even starts being officially in your program.

I think that, you know, this is just such a great reminder this conversation too, because thinking about, you know, the hellos and the goodbyes in the morning and, and you may, as a early childhood educator, you may have a routine that you're like, this is how we do it, this is how it goes. It's just just smooth as silk every time. And then a child comes along and enrolls, and that smooth as silk just gets bumpy, and it may be as you're talking about, related to their developmental stage, or it just may be their temperament and their way of coping with stress in their lives. And so what are some ideas, some suggestions for setting up those moments? How, you know, how are goodbyes and hellos built in a way that can really strategize that challenge, make it make it smoother.

Well, again, I would start with the conversation with the family, preferably before their child starts, even if they're not yet at that point of stranger anxiety to say this is going to happen. We know it happens, its a normal part of development, or it's happening and it or it's going to happen. You know, you already, you could have a conversation with a new family saying, you know, how do they do when you drop them off with a relative? Or whatever, to find out what kinds of goodbye rituals, routines, they've already developed. They may have already figured some strategies out, or they may say, "Oh, it's terrible, every time my husband takes him over to my mom's house, he just can't, you know, cries for an hour or whatever, and we don't know what to do." But finding out, having that conversation and also, the more we can share with parents that this is normal behavior for a child to be sad when they're separating with someone, that they're going to have feelings and that it's part of them recognizing that you're not there, but also, what are ways we can help them manage their feelings and feel okay pretty quickly, to re balance things for themselves. So consistency, you mentioned that earlier, is really important. So whatever we do, let's try to do the same thing every day with the child. So families looking at and this gets into routines, right? So what's the morning routine? And let's think about this, not just that the moment of goodbye, but before the goodbye happens, while the goodbye happens and after the goodbye happens. So before the goodbye happens, what's the morning routine at home and helping families who may not have established a routine. Think about the importance of it and even talking through the challenges. So you're what if you've got a parent who's working shifts and they don't have a routine. So what are some things we can do consistently every day for your baby, like even just the words you use, the song you sing, what you say before you go to child care. You can always build in certain routines. So figuring out what is that routine you can build and for yourself as a parent, knowing this is going to help my child know what's coming, so that predictability is another really important thing, and know what's going to happen each time. So that's related to the consistency. When dad says we're going to go to Miss Carol's house now, I know that we're going to get in the car soon. I just know that's part of the routine, or we're going to get on the bus together, and then we're going to arrive at Miss Carol's house, and then here comes that goodbye routine. What is the ritual routine you create for the child. Now, here's a couple of things that parents sometimes need help with. When their child starts getting upset, they want to comfort them and they want to stay and sometimes, instead of leaving it and making that better, it prolongs the sadness for the child because they've been told my parents are leaving and it doesn't happen. So it either teaches them, oh well, if I cry for a while, they're not going to go, or they get confused because they thought they were going to say goodbye, and now they're not saying goodbye. Another thing that a provider just brought up to me the other day was she said, I really am clear with parents. We don't hand baby back and forth. Once I have baby, then it's goodbye time, so that baby doesn't get confused about who I'm with now. So that hand off, that's a physical symbol, right? And it's it's a signal, and it's part of the routine. Now, there might be something that you always say and the toddlers, it's going to be different than an infant, right? So your toddlers, you might have a high five that you do, or hug, you know, goodbye hug, or maybe you've read the Kissing Hand and you do a kissing hand. Whatever it is that you develop is going to change as they go from infancy to toddlerhood. My daughter's provider taught us a song for my daughter, but we always sang it too. It was Mama Comes Back, She always comes back, She always comes back to Isabelle. So that was just part of the routine, and it was part of the signaling, okay, this is now what's happening again. Children do better. They're less stressed if they know what's happening, what's going to happen next, and then after parent leaves, now there's some fun things you can do with even the goodbye like, maybe you have a goodbye window, yeah, the child can wave. Yeah. There's always a wave. Now, parent don't, don't go stand by that window. Oh yeah, no. It's the time for the child to wave goodbye to you, and then you go. And you can even talk about as a caregiver, oh, you can see Daddy's going to the car. Daddy's going to work now, and Daddy will come home in that same car. Whatever it is, you can be describing something of what's happening as part of this routine, and then what you want to do is have something that will, depending on time permit, I would say there's two avenues that you might want to go. For a child who needs to be reassured about the safety and the comfort and the snuggly side of things, you may need a snuggling routine, a book reading, a comfort a cozy and parents can help you. Families can help you a lot. Knowing what their child needs in these moments. Do they need to snuggle? Do they need to go and do something they love, like playing with the trucks? Do you need to have something ready that's going to engage them in their you know, they've got a lot of energy, and that's how they're going to express their sort of emotional response, and a way for them to get it under control is to be active. So you have to get to learn a child and their cues that that they give you about this second half before you can know for sure what's going to be the best kind of comfort routine. And next step for them to enter, they're entering into your environment. Now, what helps them do that?

And I'm thinking, you know, this is so important, and you mentioned it right away in the early part of this conversation, communicating with the families and reassurance that the first day is not going to be magically all perfect, and there might be a few ups and downs, but to be patient, and know that routine takes a while to get everybody on board. And I think the other key component that stands out to me, and what you were talking about, Beth, was there's definitely interaction and connection involved between all the adults and that child. It's not just plop the child down, say goodbye. You know you're you're talking about really creating this kind of cocoon of welcoming that creates success for everyone. The family gets to leave and go to work and feel good about leaving their child with the caregiver, and the child gets to start feeling comforted right away by that adult in the childcare setting.

Yes, and for a lot of parents, especially first time parents doing this routine, it's so hard. They're leaving their precious baby with you for the first time, so acknowledging that with them when you first talk about it, and then as you establish a routine, I know this is hard, Momma, I'm going to send you a text, just so you know, I'm thinking of you. You might even send them a text, you know, I know this was hard. I'm so glad you trust me with your precious daughter, or whomever, and then acknowledging that part for them and wishing them a good day, because they're stressed out. They're going to work, they're, you know, starting their day, it might have been hard to get their child out of the car or off of the bus or whatever it's their first time, or as they're going through this phase that you talked about. Priscilla, oh, it's not so easy. For whatever reason. We've got a change happening, and now separations are a little harder knowing that it's hard for parents. So we were really careful not to judge them if it feels like they might be in a hurry, or they might be a little crabby or anything, because it's hard for the parents to do this too, so that cocoon includes them as much as possible. And then you talked about, you know, oh, you had a great morning routine. You had it all down, and we have to be prepared to change our morning routine if this child needs, like the snuggly time, and I didn't have that built in before, let's figure out how I can build that in every time they arrive. Because if I know that's going to help them ease into my program, we're going to have a much better morning. Yes, all of us, not just this child, but everybody's going to have a much better morning. So we need to be ready to change that routine a little bit if we need to. And to know, oh, I know what this child needs, usually when they walk in. So in a center, for example, you might have a team and you know, so certain people greet certain children every day. You know you might have primary care assignments, which is lovely, if you can do that, and you you have, they have their ritual greeting with their person, and that person helps them settle into the group for the morning. If you're a family child care provider, you're right. You might have other children, older children, who are helpful with some of this, who are who are a connect with this child once they've been in the program for a little while, that you know, can help with reading in the snuggly time, or get them engaged in building too. So you can think about your group in terms of, how do they welcome the infant? My daughter's provider had all the older kids plan an area for her the new baby. And so. they were a part of thinking about how are we going to make this child feel welcome in our environment? We're so excited she's coming. You know, building up that sense of community with the other children, especially if you have preschool age children who can help out, is a great, great way to do that to health care. I think one of the strengths of that community,

That's for sure, that's beautiful, and I love that, the excitement that I can just imagine occurred with those older kids of how we can welcome this baby. And the other thing too that I'm thinking of as we're talking, you know, a lot of times, and I'm thinking back to my time in the classroom, and I'm sure you can attest to this when you were working in the classroom or in the childcare setting, wherever, just having sensory options available or those favorite things for that child too. So when that snuggly time is over, you can still ease them into the routine of the day without just making that hard break too. So having a favorite item, or, you know, depending on the age of the child, something that would really hold their interest or they'd be curious about, just to try to break the pattern of thinking, oh, when this adult puts me down, that's when I cry. Nope, because there's going to be something fun to do. Look, here it is, you know, just really being mindful of having all those things handy and at the ready,

Yes and that, that is a certain we think of transitional objects, which are something I want to talk about, you know, as things that a child brings from home, but it can be something that's in your program that they really love, and you just make sure, like Priscilla just described, it's ready on the ready for so and so when they arrive in the morning. I keep it up high because I know I need it when they arrive, and then other kids can play with it later, but, but that that favorite truck, I save it for Williams arrival and then get it out because it helps with the transition. So we also need to be open to transition items coming from home. What's a comfort item? And you can set boundaries around that, you know, okay, no small cars, or it has to be safe, you know, for the age group or whatever, but still allowing first. I think some people used to think, oh, that's just going to cause problems, but it really can be helpful for that infant, or especially, I think toddlers, to bring something from home that's theirs, and you have to set some boundaries around it and help them with that within the toddler room. But you know that that's their object and their special object. But you can do that with things that come from home as well, and have the conversation with the parent again beforehand, about, is there something that would help them transition, knowing all the rules they can't go in the crib, or if it's an infant or whatever, but they can hold it while they're with me, or they can it can be nearby. And I think the other thing is, like, can you have some familiar things from family? If that's just photographs. One of our partners who helped do a workshop on this, Pam Walls, said she had worked with a provider who had created a book of photos of parents at work, and so the kids could look and see like, Oh, this is where mom is right now, just and again, that's for older kids a little bit more, but for all kids to see a picture of their parent, you know, and you know the child, you don't want it to set them off, but you want it to be comforting. So you take your cues again from children, but that can be really, you know, comforting, and thinking all kinds of things like, maybe there's music, maybe there's something else from home that's familiar, the smell of certain food, or it can be a lot of things, what's comforting to children that connects home and where they are now, that really makes them feel that there's there's a connection here. And of course, the longer you establish that relationship with family, and if you keep sending that message that you have a positive connection with their parent, their primary caregiver, whoever brings that child. Grandma, you know, it might be Auntie that you talk with every day, and the child sees, even young infants can sense and tell, are you connecting with their adult or not? Right? Oh, not, not forgetting the important aspect of that and always trying to find a positive way to connect with that adult.

That's a wonderful reminder. Beth, and now I'm thinking as we wrap up this conversation for part one, you know, when you think about this was the drop off at the morning and the hellos, what about those goodbyes at the end of the day, and the reunions at the end of the day, which can sometimes be bumpy as well, which you'd think, oh, this will be the happy time, but it can be really challenging sometimes for little ones well.

And I used to laugh ahead while my one mom, who'd always say, okay, so he cries when I drop him off, and then he cries when I pick him up. What are you doing? Joke about it and laugh about it. And I'd say, yep, the good news is that he's attached to you and he's also attached to us. Yeah. So he has good relationships in both places, and that means it's hard to say goodbye both times. So again, communicating that with families, just because their child is reluctant to leave does not mean they don't love their parents. That has nothing to that is not why they're upset. And so helping parents recognize that is always important, and sort of humor helps when you can have it so. But I think the same thing only we have to think of our this time. It's it's ourselves as early childhood educators, we have to think about the before the goodbye, and what we're doing in the before the goodbye. And the parent isn't thinking about it. We are the caregivers and thinking about it at home, we are thinking about it. So, you know, are there predictable things we can do when we know parent is coming, or they have a usual arrival time, so we do certain activities, or we always get something out, or we give them a little, oh, talking about it is always important, you know, I know so and so's coming in about five minutes. Time doesn't matter to an infant or toddler, but just saying that same thing every time, or I know you've been missing mommy and she's coming through the door, you know, anything to sort of give them an advance warning that there's going to be this change and again, routines and rituals. If you can build in a routine thing, you say a routine thing they're doing during that time? Is it a time where you all gather and listen to stories again, so everybody's more cozy and kind of settling down for the day, so they're not at the high energy level that they don't want to be interrupted, not, not always avoidable, right? But, but even then letting them know, going over and saying, hey, just heads up. You know, I know mom's going to be coming to that toddler. Infants, it's a little easier because you you know, kind of be picking them up and telling them, or you can go over and let them know this is going to happen. But toddlers, you know, might be engaged in something, so letting them know, and they'll hear you, and then frequent communication and positive signals about how the day went. About, oh, you're gonna, it's gonna be great to see mom. It's gonna be great to see dad. You can tell them all about, you know, mention something they did today, or that you had fun with your friend, or whatever. For the toddlers, sort of even mentioning something about the day, of course. Of preschoolers, that's a dream is, you know, to kind of have them, you know, you sharing with the parent, and they can really follow it. But even a toddler just reminding them that they can kind of greet their parent and share something, or Mommy's going to be so happy to see you. It's going to be nice to go home all those things, giving, giving, lots of positive signals. And again, parents are exhausted when they get there, exactly there's, you know. And so if you can have some calming activities, maybe of calming music on at the end of the day every like settling children down as much as possible for that goodbye, so you're not handing them over where their their energy level is high, and they're not ready to go sit on go to get on the bus or sit in a car, but you've kind of set the stage for, okay, we're going to go through transition now, and there's going to be a time where we're going to kind of say say goodbye to teacher instead, or say goodbye to our provider, and you have a Goodbye routine with them, maybe every day as well. What you say, what you do again, that goodbye routine now you're thinking about you and how do you and helping parents. This is not where they have to think about a ritual so much, but helping them through the goodbye if you know that you've got a mom, I remember I had a mom who had to travel an hour and a half on the bus to get there. I didn't prolong my goodbyes with her. My goal was to help her get out the door and go get home and we could communicate another time. So we're really there to support that again, that relationship on departure, and if we have to communicate important information, now might be the time that we have to do it, but if we can call them or follow up later, that might be a better time if we're thinking that's going to stress the goodbye out for the child and parent. So thinking about those kinds of things as well, you know, and conveying, here's something that went well today, and here, if there is something they need to know, you know, maybe not urgent or bad, but just hey, by the way, they wern't very hungry at lunch, just a heads up for their evening. Those kinds of things. So they have a little bit of the story of the day for themselves, because a toddler and an infant can't tell them that story. But keeping in mind, you're helping them get together again and go home.

Oh, truly. It's really, really important information Beth to just remind us all how we can start the day right and help end the day right, and then all the stuff in between. Well, that's another podcast, but I will look forward. We're gonna wrap up this part one of our conversation about separations and reunions, and we're going to look forward to our conversation continuing in part two with some of those more unique and extended separations and reunions that sometimes we forget to think about or need a little bit of a refresher in that realm too. Thank you, Beth for joining us on Inclusion Matters.

Thank you.

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