promotional purposes. Only those who put an R next to their name and it's okay to be recorded, we will record anyone who does not have an R next to their name. So we just did some brief introductions. When you get into the smaller circles, you can do introductions, they are all so if you haven't had a time to chance to introduce yourself, and we welcome everybody to this empathy Cafe series, we are gathering the peace building community to network, collaborate, support each other and build our empathy skills. We invite other peacebuilding organizations to join us in CO hosting future empathy cafes, we want to host one of these every month, we won't have one in February, because we have an empathy circle training that month. Our next Cafe will be Saturday, March the fourth, if you're interested, you can list your organization in the chat if you're interested in being a co host. And I'm Kat kit, I'm with the Center for building a culture of empathy, and the peace Alliance who is one of the CO hosts. And again, let's see. So, the event is hosted by the Center for building a culture of envy and Edwin's going to share briefly with us who is CO hosting today.
I'm just doing this screenshare. Hopefully that's showing up. These are some of our CO hosts, we have the Center for building a culture of empathy, which Kathy mentioned, we have they're the leading network on peacebuilding and conflict transformation. They have over 60,000 members on their LinkedIn site. And on their website, we have the Center for building a culture of empathy, which is the internet's largest resource on the value of empathy. And we offer empathy circles and training and hosts these cafes. There's a peace Alliance, they educate and mobilize people into action to transform systems and public policy towards a culture of peace and the listen first Coalition, which is a network of 500 plus bridging organizations in there in the United States trying to bridge political social divides in the country. And there's a National Coalition for dialogue and deliberation. It's a network of innovators who bring people together across the divides to discuss the side and take action together to effectively work on today's toughest challenges is issues. I'm going to stop to share, I'm going to put the link in let me see if any of these organizations, these are just the URL for their websites, you can copy and paste that and visit them at your leisure. So that's it.
Thank you, Edwin. So we're going to move into a six minute video that Edmond is going to share on how to do the empathy circle. And when you get into your smaller groups, that's where you'll really get a feel for what we're doing. And there are people there are experienced who will facilitate this interval and you may have others in the circle that have been doing this for a while. So if you don't catch it for six minutes, no worries.
me here, somebody is hearing a bit of background noise. So if you're getting if you're not, if you could mute everyone, please. And so this is the video let me share that. Getting a bit of background if somebody could
everyone, mute please.
Okay, here we go. I'm Edwin Rutsch, founding director of the Center for building a culture of empathy. I like to welcome you to this short presentation on how to take part in a basic empathy circle. So next, let's look at the step by step how to take part and empathy start circle starts with two to seven participants. Here on the screen we have four participants, which I find is an ideal number. There are four basic roles and the roles rotate among the participants as the empathy circle unfolds. One the speaker is the first person to speak to is active listener who actively listens to the speaker. There's the silent listeners, they quietly observe and witness and the facilitator who organizes schedules and hosts the circle. They also do the timekeeping and they have some experience with the process. assist and help key participants in the process. However, everyone has the responsibility to hold the process in the practice. So to begin with the facilitator will start the empathy circle. They welcome the participants. They lead introductions if the participants don't know each other. They it facilitator invites participants to give short introductions, for example, their name or their from something personal about themselves. The facilitator then reviews the empathy circle process to remind everyone how it works. They announced the discussion topic if there is one, even if there is a topic, you can always talk about what is alive for you. That is what is on your mind in the moment. And five, you can they set the speaker time limits, perhaps five minutes, for example. And the facilitator then asks who would like to start to be the first speaker. So at that point, the participant volunteers to be the first speaker, as speaker, you select who you will, who will be your active listener, and you can select anyone that you want. You speak about the topic given or whatever is alive for you. And so you'll speak a bit until you have maybe expressed an idea or two. And then you want to pause to give the active listener a chance to recap what they understand that you're saying and feeling. If you say too much, the listener may have difficulty in reflecting. As the active listener, you are listening to the speaker to get an understanding of what they're saying and what is important to them, you are giving them your full attention as a supportive companion on their inner journey and exploration. When the speaker pauses, you recap your understanding of what they said and how they feel by reflecting the essence of that in your own words. You can summarize paraphrase, or even say the speaker's words back to them. Even though you may have a strong impulse to respond with your own ideas judgements, analysis, advice and sympathy or even questions, you know, resist the impulse to do so. Because these common responses block the speaker from moving along their internal journey, you will be able to say whatever you want when it is your turn to be the speaker. If you don't reflect the understanding to the speaker satisfaction you they can always say it again. Then as speaker you check, do you feel understood to your satisfaction. If you do not feel understood, you can say it again perhaps in different words. If you do feel understood, continue sharing again after speaking a bit pause to give your active listener a chance to recap their understanding of what you said. As the active listener, you again share your understanding of what the speaker said and meant. The cycle of speaking and reflecting continues until you as the speaker do not have anything else you'd like to say or until you get a signal from the timekeeper. If you get a signal from the timekeeper, then finish up what you're saying in a sentence or two. After you get a final reflection, you can end your turn by saying something like I feel fully heard or something like that indicate you're done with your speaking turn. At that point the roles then rotate. The active listener becomes the speaker, the person they select becomes the new active listener for everyone. Having equal time it is good to select someone that hasn't spoken lately, but it is your choice. The others in the circle become the silent listeners. This process of turn taking turns in speaking and active listening continues for whatever time was allotted for the empathy circle. And this was just a very short introduction, the best way to learn the practice is taking part and doing it. There is more in depth material on taking part in an empathy circle and facilitating one at empathy circle.com Thank you for listening.
You're muted, Cathy
Thank you. I said thank you, Edwin, we're now going to break out into smaller circles for about 90 minutes, with four minute turns each. And again, if you want to be recorded, you don't mind that add an R after your name. If not, if you don't have an hour, we will not record you. If you go up into the top right hand corner of your box, where you're where you see your your face being shown. Click on that it says rename at the bottom. And you can just add an R after your name.
So
if you're not going to be here the entire time, make sure you let your group know upfront. And be mindful of those who speak English as their second language and speak in short phrases to to provide ease and reflecting. You want to speak in short phrases anyway. And you'll see that model as you get into your circle. So the topic today, let me put it in the chat is share conflicts, mediations and peacebuilding challenges you're working on how might the empathy circles helped help in your conflict transformation, mediation and peacebuilding work, or you can also talk about whatever is alive for you. That's always an option. So and then we'll come back to debrief how the circle was for you. And Edwin will tell us next steps after we debrief. So Edwin Are you ready to
we have 1234 groups, there'll be six people five to six in a in a circle. And only bills group will be that he's going to be facilitating on a wave bill, that's the one group that will be recorded and the other ones will not. And then we have in our group, here, we have a room, that second group, our crystal will facilitate and then Kathy will facilitate the next room. And then Jana, and will facilitate the next and DJ will be in that. So these are facilitators, and I think we're ready to go, I'm going to stay in the weight room here. In this room, if there's any kind of issues you can just return here asked me about that drift people come late or something I'll be sort of dealing working with them and updating them. So I think we're all set in here we go into the rooms and enjoy.
Let me start that again, welcome. So we have a mixture of people who have done this before, and I think some people who have done it, you know, or this is their first time for the circle. I'll be facilitating, I have this, you know, timer, you'll hear a little harp music when the time is up. And if you miss that I have this very expensive handcrafted sign that I just kind of give you, you know your heads up. When you hear that, it does not mean that you have to cut yourself off in the middle of a sentence or anything like that, finish your thought. And then also you'll get a glass reflection, and then we'll move on. And I'm the facilitator. But if I correct you in any way or something like that, it's not a criticism of you or your ideas. It's just a Kenyan, keep us in the process, it's a little bit different. Being an older guy, I liken it to remembering to change the date on my checks and the new year. You know, sometimes I kind of forget that it's not that I don't know what what the year is or anything like that. But force of habit. And here are the force of habit is to respond. So most of the corrections are like Oh, I like to read and people are very nice, but and when it is your turn to speak, you can be just as judgmental. You can agree or disagree or do whatever you want. But as the active listener, it's just you're focusing on reflecting. And this is the difference and then this creates a gestalt, as we say, Okay, I'll role model for being the first listener. And I'll just invite one of you to speak we have four minute turns. I think you have share conflicts, mediations, peacebuilding challenges you're working on how might empathy circles help? I guess that would develop? Yeah. Linda, go ahead.
Um, can we just introduce ourselves because I'm not familiar with the people here. And I started like to know who I'm talking to?
Sure. Absolutely no problem. Okay, I'll start. My name is Bill filler. I was a special education teacher for for about 40 years. Retired right now been working with everyone in the empathy circles for about five years. Linda?
I'm Linda, I'm a retired school teacher taught middle school and lower grades. I've been doing this off and on for about a year and a half now. And I'm happy to be here. And I'm in. I don't know if it says Northern California. Okay. And if I disappear, it's because I'm having internet go in and out.
Right? Yeah, I'm in Northern California to as Jonathan, and we are having a lot of rain. So sometimes. Mary, could you introduce yourself?
Hi, sorry. I said a little bit at the introduction is retired mental health nurse just just like last year, and it's been tough. It was a tough goal with COVID. And in my workplace, so I'm just I'm readjusting to my dreams. What I really want to do, and I don't know what else to say.
Think about it. Welcome. That's great.
Let's Tyus
Yeah, hello, my name is Matias Seba, I'm calling in from Los Angeles County. We also have a little bit rain down here. pronouns are he him? First time and empathy circle here. So glad to make that Glad to meet you all. Probably found out about this via LinkedIn vrna to Valerie who was a one of my fabulous professors, California State University, Dominguez Hills Very good. undergrad degree in negotiation, conflict resolution and peacebuilding got my Master's from USC and dispute resolution. I was also a peacekeeper in the German army. But professionally, I've been mostly working as a software engineer for over two decades. And now I'm the CEO and co founder of locks. And we'll probably hear a little bit about what we're doing later.
Sure. Great. Welcome, Tyler.
Hi, my name is Tyler. I do a couple different things. Currently, it's my day job. I work for a BPO company where I do a bunch of training for different launch programs that we have. But on the side, what I'm really passionate about and what I would like to do and develop into the future is xr hyper learning which I work with my philosophy professor from UCF, Mark VAs Yano, who's written some sensational papers on empathy that I've helped them with. But needless to say, I'm located here in Sarasota, Florida. Got my own thoughts and opinions about that. But it's more so can't complain on that front. But um, one other thing I did want to add is I will have to jump at the top of the hour, unfortunately. But I just wanted to say that upfront before that time comes to pass.
Great. We'll try to get you in early. Jonathan.
My name is Jonathan Gordon. I'm here in the San Francisco Bay Area. And I'm interested in applying reflective communication to building community in Vallejo, California.
Great, thank you.
Okay. Are there any other questions? Concerns before we get started? Okay. So I'll be the first listener and who would like to speak first?
Four minutes.
Okay. Yeah, Jonathan, thank you.
I hope my connection is stable. Can everyone hear me clearly? Yes, we can. Okay. Ah.
I really appreciate putting a frame around my activism. And the frame I put around is my city, the community bounding and giving a target or playground space or a group of people and buildings and ideas. Some processes and traditions gives me a focus as to where I'm going to bring my ideas about empathy to one of the projects that's really exciting me is inventorying the schools in Vallejo, and working on possibly bringing empathy circles into the schools.
Okay, so you were talking about what's been helpful for you and your activism is sort of like framing it and kind of organizing your your energies. And specifically, one of the things that I'm working on is inventorying the schools in Vallejo, and seeing if you could bring empathy circles, pornography circle practice into the schools, and I might have missed something,
so please correct me. Oh, no, that was a good reflection. The what I hear among everyone I'm listening to is a great conceptualizing, but not a lot of talk about doing things.
Right. And so one of the things you've heard is a lot of conceptualizing but not specific actions.
Yes. And by focusing my activism on the city I live in. And being familiar with a lot of the institutions in the city, it allows me an audience to talk about reflective listening. And most importantly, yeah, I think I've become a better listener.
Yeah, so one of the things that your local focus helps you do is because you are local, the there's many, many ways you could respond in person, you could talk to people and things like that. So that bring a focus for your activism. And then also, and not insignificantly, the practice, even as you're going on has made you a better listener.
And in closing, I want to share this. I also work in the health care profession, and one of the caregivers I work with, was struggling over a change in process. And I, I really appreciate the training I've had gotten from the classes here, because I was able to listen sufficiently enough to make her feel better. But in walking away, she said something that struck me, she said, Thank you so much for listening to me. Yeah, that was really a validation.
Sure. So you supervise a bunch of caregivers, and there was a change in procedures. And this one person, one of the people that you supervise, was feeling uncomfortable or didn't understand it. And so you brought the listening reflective listening skills to that. And so you really felt that that was effective. And the confirmation of that was that as she was walking away, she said, Thank you for listening. And that was validation for this particular process.
Thank you, I feel fully heard. Okay. All right.
So, Matias, usually we would, you know, wait a little bit, but I know that you have to leave. So I wanted to give you a che, if you feel ready to listen, then and reflect, you could try it and then you have a chance to speak. I just want to make sure you got a chance to experience it before you left.
Thank you. I think it was Tyler who had to leave on top of the hour. Oh, Tyler,
I'm sorry. No, all right. So all right. So ignore what I said and then insert Tyler for Nikitas. It's okay. You're ready to listen, or would you like a little bit more time?
Yes. I feel ready to listen. Okay, great.
All right. Okay, well, let's see, in my, in my time working with Edwin, who was also pre pandemic. And so we also went to demonstrations both on the political left and the political right. That were happening here in Northern California to try to get the both sides to listen to each other. I'll stop there.
Right so you worked with Edwin pre pandemic and you attended both demonstrations for the political left and the political right to try and figure out a way to bridge the two to a have come to a peaceful discussion.
Yeah. Or at least to listen to each other. It's very difficult as you can imagine things emotions are very charged, highly charged. And you don't go to a demonstration necessarily thinking, Oh, I'd really like to be listened to, I mean, you do in the way of, in broad sense. But in a highly emotionally charged situation. It was a real test of listening, I'll stop there.
Right, I completely hear you on that. I completely agree. I mean, you can see it just about in any news clip that you find, you know, you I mean, of course, news clips are always going to post the more more polarized fashions of these expressions, but there's a lot of emotion that goes into it. And people aren't often going there to feel heard. But ultimately, that's what they're trying to, to accomplish.
Okay. And so, one of the things that I noticed is that when people came, and especially, you know, people who particularly you know, are on the opposite end of the political spectrum than I am, when you start to look, listen, then a lot of that defensiveness and other sort of stuff kind of melts away. And so you don't see the other person as a label, you read, whatever. But you see them as a human being with nuances, and it has needs just like you, I'll stop there.
I understand that. The conditions often that people experience lead to what they ultimately believe or follow. And so when we stop and listen to them, no matter how opposing they may be, we can start to gain a sense of where they're coming from. And instead of, you know, trying to walk in their shoes, from our perspective, we walk in their shoes from their perspective.
Yeah. And that really tends to defuse things. And I've had very, you know, touching a, you know, examples of people I disagree with politically, but as human beings. We're both human beings, I'll stop there.
Yes. Sometimes, you know, individuals don't often see eye to eye, and we can still see the human being that is within them, regardless of what they ultimately feel about certain things. Sure.
And just quickly in In summation, or conclusion, I wanted to respond to Mary because the first facilitation training we did was at the very beginning of the pandemic, with doctors and nurses and other medical personnel in Brooklyn, New York at the epicenter. And what they found at the, you know, after the training, is that just five minutes of reflective listening, say, and it's shift change, really helped them throughout their day, just to be heard, and I'll stop there. And that's the end of my time. Thank you. Yeah, just got done, it's your turn.
So I can definitely see how giving people the opportunity to voice their concerns can bring some alleviation to because often, people aren't looking for a solution to be provided, they often just want to be heard. And so realistically, that, that's, that's how we can help heal individuals with things that are beyond our control.
Great, thank you, Tyler, I feel fully heard and it's your turn to speak, please pick a listener and then off you go.
Just gonna go with the top I'll call on Mary. So I, when I was in school, I was studying pre medicine. And a lot of the interactions that I had with whether it be students or professionals in the field, excuse me in the field. It didn't feel like it was a healing environment all the time. Granted, individuals had this knowledge in this, this know how and how to cure these ailments. There wasn't a cure that they were providing for the fundamental human connection. And I'll pause there.
So in your please bear with me, Tyler, I'm not the expert on this. But in your training, from what I heard from what you said, is that in your training as a doctor, that the that you didn't feel that there was enough of a human connection with all the knowledge that you were learning and sharing and gaining, there wasn't knowledge around how to make that human connection. Is that correct?
Yes, yes. There's always one particular experience that comes to mind, I won't go into detail on it, but essentially, you know, when, when patients voiced their concerns to medical professionals who have the know how, and the medical professionals, you know, regardless of what's occurring on in their personal lives, you know, they can't, you know, make that connection with the patient and to deliver a meaningful connection, and almost assure them of what it is that they are telling them, you know, it, it does little for, for their mental sanity and their mental health as they go through and proceed with getting the treatment that they need. little pause there.
So you found that in your experience, as a as a student that in learning and watching observing the maybe I'm putting words into your sorry, in your experience, you found that there wasn't with the physicians or with the I'm guessing with the the doctors who are in charge of the patient's care, you didn't feel that there was the doctor was helping to understand where the patient was coming from on mental health? Well, in their experiences, there wasn't a connection between the patient and the doctor, with regards to how to cope with the illness, or how do you even process it, or even just to talk about it? I may be in there. Sorry.
No worries. So yes, and that's part of it, that the real idea is that, you know, as a medical professional, we're the borough's, we're there to heal individuals, people who have aren't necessarily sure about what is going on with them, or what is going to be needed to help treat what's going on with them. And so it's, as a medical professional, it's almost an obligation to relate that human level because it in my opinion, that is part of it. And ultimately, it led me astray from the course pursuing, you know, a degree in medicine, because I ultimately saw a bigger problem within the medical field that needed to be tackled, which was, you know, teaching medical employees and staff on how to be more empathic in their relationships with not just the patients but with each other as well. You know, studies have shown that there's a lot of a lot of disagreement for lack of a better term that goes on even amongst the staffs that are employed in health clinics and health facilities. But the real issue there is that you know, they don't see that there's a need and I'll stop there.
So I mean, you're hitting on a huge nerve here with me because I'm completely with you on this scene 1000s of times it's there's there isn't you found that you you really lost your way and not lost your way but you really fell out of connection with your medical practice because there there was a this feeling of lack of connection between the patient and the physician the healer in a sense that was not not helping not helpful and that you you felt that there was a bigger need and you felt that you feel that there's definitely like a need for this I in a huge way. I'm probably wasn't listening at the very end or I was kind of falling away at the end but 100% agree with you that there's that this is lacking in each person each and even within the system itself. There's a lot of disagreements and a lot of arguments around you know, what should and shouldn't be done and how this should be approached. And I I'm not sure if I got it all. I'm sorry. Tyler. Did I do any justice?
I think you did. I think he didn't think you were I feel fully heard. Thank you.
Mary, it's your turn to speak pick. Listen.
Okay, I'll take Okay, let's see Matthias. i So, like, Tyler, I could totally, totally get what you're saying. 100% Like I said, I'm going through a big transition right now, physically, emotionally. And it's rough, it's really tough. I worked in an acute care mental health facility, and it was just there was too much violence, too much aggression for me. Over time, it just really took a toll on my physical health. So I'm looking after a lot of stuff now, and my mental health as well.
So I'll just stop there.
Thank you for sharing. So you were in a position of acute mental health support where you faced high levels of violence and aggression. And because it took a heavy toll on you, you are currently in a physical and emotional transition. Be being proactive, taking care of yourself? Did I get it right?
And Tyler, I just wanted to give you a huge thumbs up for your bravery in, in what you're doing, what your what your plan is for your future, in wanting to change the system, it would be fantastic. I used to have a saying, because, you know, you'd always run into people in work. Some of the I mean, we we had to work for the physicians basically is for the patients, but as well as for the physician. And oftentimes found it difficult to try to advocate for a patient when a physician doesn't care. So what I kind of came up with in my early years was I just learned that there are doctors who are have their purse their persons first, and they have personalities. So that lends to how they care or don't care for their patients. So I would really learn how to figure out who the good personalities were in and where I could go, or if I needed help and assistance. And I'll stop there.
Thank you. I heard you gave Thailand kudos for wanting to change the system. And it was interesting for me to hear even though you I think you tried to be diplomatic? What I heard was that, really you worked for physicians, primarily, and patients secondarily. So you learn that doctors like aI humans, they have personalities, some care a little bit more about patients, some care a little bit less about patients, and you really had to navigate a system and looking for Okay, who can I associate myself with? If I needed help? I'm not sure about the last part. But yeah,
well, that's good. That's good. I I'm
not sure how much longer I have, but near drink COVID It became a real Warzone around rules and whatnot. And it was just I think, Bill, you were talking about how just being heard at the end of the shift. Like, there was just no, no hearing us it was horrible. And the anxiety around, you know, everything, the deaths and the diagnosis and all that kind of stuff was just ridiculous.
So
I really want to Okay, good.
You don't have to cut yourself off. Go ahead, finish up.
Like I said before, I really want to explore other like other interests that I have, like writing and drawing stuff like that to, to, you know, get this all out of my system, basically and heal. And I don't know if I could help somebody else in the
process. But
yeah, thank you. I would love to hear more about that. But so you pointed out that and we can only try to imagine so thank you very much for sharing that. And I hope this has not been re traumatizing. But COVID was really a warzone for you around rules and abroad high levels of anxiety and which is still not fully being processed. Partially probably because or partially because you were not being heard at the end of a shift for example, right where you decompress and you know, let it all go and that did not happen. So you're Looking to, again be proactive and changing and dealing with with this and healing through writing and drawing. And do that work to to fully heal and make that transition.
Thank you, I feel fully heard.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing. All right, I think it is my turn. Yeah. So I would like to call on Linda to be listening. So when I was working as a software engineer, there was, I believe, in early 2017, there was a lunch break, I was like always sitting at my computer. And somehow I was watching YouTube while eating my lunch. And I got to odd recommendation. A while was lecture recording from UC Berkeley introduction to non violence. And so I started listening to the lecture and there was a whole course and I kept on over the next days and weeks, I kept on listening to those lectures. And I learned about Mahatma Gandhi. Of course, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Learned about history there. But I also learned a ton about not necessarily what my ancestors, a German citizen, what atrocities my ancestors did in the last century. I know plenty of that, due to the school system. But also nonviolent movements that actually resulted in the liberation of people that would have otherwise gone to concentration camps. And that was very powerful for me.
Okay, let me see if I can get all this. It was 2017. It was lunchtime. You were at work. You were some sort of software engineer, I believe you said. And you're watching YouTube, and it was about nonviolent. And you It caught your attention. You really were interested in it. So you continue to watch it. And you learned from it. And you learned about Mahatma Gandhi, and Martin Luther King, and it made you think about things that you learned through your childhood or upbringing about the atrocities that people had done to other leaders
you missed, I didn't quite get the end of it was something about reaching reaching people that probably wouldn't have been reached before.
That That's right. The impactful moment there was really that, you know, non violence will even work in Nazi Germany. So that got me really interested and long story short, I enrolled in college got my GED. That's not important, but important part is that I attended university. And I learned about mediation, arbitration, peacebuilding, negotiation, etc, yada, yada, yada. But also what I was doing as a peacekeeper, I was in the division for special forces in a German Army in 2001 and 2002. And the former Yugoslav Republic of North Macedonia, there was a little bit of name change throughout because in 2001, a civil war the civil war in from from all the region in the Balkans finally arrived in Macedonia. But as a grant, actually, that's that's not only applicable to the military, in many organizations, you don't know what the mission is, what the vision is, what the hell am I doing here? So I learned about that actually in academia. What was the conflict about
okay. You went on to to learn about mediation, and you were a peacekeeper in I believe the army said or something like that. And I just got so wrapped up in your story. I So like, just I can't, it's just like sitting here. You use the mediation and things in your work. And I'm sorry, I forgot.
That's all right. I am practicing my storytelling. So I'm glad I got you so wrapped up in this. So in North Macedonia, I was there as a peacekeeper, I did not use mediation at a time. What I learned, though, in academia, that my presence as a soldier, on this NATO mission, certainly had a tiny role in the overall peace building process. But what I learned is actually, that the Civil War was essentially put to an end due to a successful mediation. And the interesting part is that the whole region, right Bosnia Herzegovina, causal war, also have a station, Macedonia, Croatia, right, all these countries of the former Yugoslav Republic are now a lot more peaceful than let's say to us, and they have been over the last decade. So I really learned there that mediation was what drove the overall peace process. And that was really powerful.
Okay, yes, I'm gonna set up what you learned was that, to what brought resolution, so to speak to this war was was mediation. And you feel that the countries that were involved in these different wars in the Balkans, things like that are more peaceful than the United States because they do practice in some way. Mediation and they are probably editorializing here. I know I shouldn't, probably nicer place to safer places are nicer places to live, because they do have mediation and it is, from what I'm part of. They're part of what they do.
Yes, thank you. That's right. You heard? Yeah, thank you.
Oh,
really, you can listen to me?
Sure. Happy to.
Okay, after all of this very heavy listening and hearing these things, I am going to share some things that is happy.
Okay. So after listening to a lot of really heavy stuff, you're going to kind of lighten the mood a bit.
Yes. Last night, I was watching the news. Norah O'Donnell loves the woman. And they did. They're on the road segment. And Fridays is always a really fun one.
So you were listening, watching TV. Nora O'Donnell is one of your favorite reporters. And they did fun on the road segment.
I don't remember what state but it was a southern state or southeastern. There was a school. And in the school, there were some children that had disabilities. They were in wheelchairs and things like that. And the kids, other kids went to their teacher one day and said, This isn't fair. We have all this playground equipment, but they named the kids can't can't play it. What can we do about it?
So in the report, they were looking at a school I think you said in the southeast somewhere. And it was for kids with disability. And they had a very, and some of the kids came and said, Look, we have all this playground equipment, but these kids with disabilities can't use it. What can we do about it?
Yeah, and so they, they brainstormed and they thought about the equipment, and it was gonna cost $300,000 And that's a lot of money. And so the kids started collecting coins, bake sales, garage sales, and then now these are fifth graders. They started getting on the phone and contacting businesses. They went to restaurants and did the share thing where they don't donate a percentage. And of this part of the story is they hit their goal of 300 $1,000 In about two and a half months.
So the kids were very resourceful fifth graders. And they did the usual bake sales and other things like that and saving their pennies. But they really reached out to businesses and other things and restaurants. And they were able to reach their goal and about, I think two and a half months or something. Yeah.
And they don't have the playground equipment. Yeah, because they showed the kids and that means like, lots and lots of snow. And they showed the three kids that were part of the handicap three and in the wheelchair. And oh, God, they were so cute. But there's they interviewed this, this one boy. And this is just totally broke my heart. I mean, I was in tears. He said, It's not about the equipment. It's about that they cared about us.
Yeah, so they didn't have the equipment up. I think they said they were snowing or something. In other words, they hadn't had put the equipment in. But in what really touched you is there was a boy, one of the disabled boys. And he said it's not about the equipment. It's but it's that they really cared about us.
Yeah, it was just it was really touching. So the teacher in her room, and I think if you've ever been in a classroom, or in front of a firehouse, or something with fundraising, they have this big thing with like a thermometer or something. And they have this in their room for $100,000. But then they went back to the room, and it went up and across the ceiling. Their goal now is to raise $700,000 so that they can put this equipment in. Because apparently, wherever this town is, they have many disabled people, students in the schools, it wasn't just as one school. So now they're out to raise $700,000.
So now, well, they had I can't believe is a closed captioning system for the kids. It was that it? Yeah, that went across. And not only on the board, but across the ceiling. And so they felt that this was not only a good idea for this particular school, but I guess throughout the whole school district. So now they are campaigning to raise $700,000 In order to install it district wide.
Yeah. And I just It gave me hope for for the future gender relations. I just like I said, I had tears streaming down my face. And so did my roommate. It was just like, I was just so amazed. Because so many times I think that that's our future. And now I can think that's our future. Yes. And I feel fully heard and listened to. Sure.
And I just to say is that yeah, and you were in tears as he was your roommate. And it really gave you a lot of hope for the future. Great. Okay, Tyler, we're almost at the top of the hour. I don't know, if you have to leave, you know, on the spot, or whether you want to have a chance to listen and talk one more time.
I'm actually going to have to drop right on the spot. But I do want to say thank you everyone for, you know, providing me the opportunity to share but also the opportunity to listen, I thought this was very impactful, at least some for me. And I hope to see everybody again in the future.
Great. Well, welcome and welcome back when you come.
Thanks for sharing. Thank you.
Okay. All right. I'll talk to Mary. Yes. Okay. So yeah, there are some definitely some some really hopeful things that are going on. And, and what I have learned in the circles is that in the philosophical debate as to whether we are as human beings are essentially good, or essentially there's a thin veneer of civilization over a savage beast, I find that we actually are more empathic. I'll stop there.
Okay, so you find that there's a lot of hopeful things going on. And that regardless of us being human beings, sorry. So the fact that we're human beings with With a thin veneer of, you know, evil, whatever you want to call it, the bad side of us that in general, we are good, we're good people.
Yeah, during the debate of whether we're just really essentially evil just. And I think that, that, you know, evolution really supports the point of view of human collaboration. For is various iterations, we've been around for about 3 million years. But for most of that time, we were not the top animal. And so therefore, in order to survive, we had to cooperate. And so I believe that that is what is ingrained in our DNA. And when we see people do horrible things, it's not because that's their essential nature, but because they haven't received or experienced that sort of collaboration. And so therefore, they're acting out. I'll stop there.
So So you find that human beings in order to cooperate, because because we weren't always the top top dog, that now now that we are, the way that we got there was by through collaboration, and you find that, that that's very, very key to our survival is that we we collaborate? Yeah.
And the other point is that when we do act out in horrible ways, which we have, it's because we haven't experienced that, it's actually a reaction to not having experienced that, right, and
the lack of the lack of experience of collaboration, you see that and people who will act out or are people who are not, not acting in a in an empathic manner, but they're, they're acting from a place of lack lack of, of collaboration.
Yeah, so I had personal experience as a special education teacher I worked with in kids and families in extreme crisis. And so periodically, the students were prone to, you know, violent acts throwing, it would seem to be impulsive. But so I'll stop there. And then.
So you've seen families in extreme crisis. And you've seen kids reacting quite impulsively.
Yeah, and what I learned is that afterwards, we would ask this central question, what was the communicative intent of that act? And when we did our research, we found that they weren't fed, they saw a violent act or something like that, and when we could address that, and they felt listened to the violence went down.
So in your variance of analyzing and discussing and, and taking apart with the child, or whoever it was, that was acting out, sorry, you're working with children. So the violent act was addressed in a in a way that not punitive, but inquiring what brought on the the violence? And once you found out, you know, it could be it could be that they were hungry could be, you know, something minor like that, that that once their concern or their issue was addressed, that the violence stopped.
this is this is quite draining for me. Emotionally because it is bringing up a lot of like your shell Bill, you were just talking about violent kids and stuff like that, and, and addressing the basic needs, and for me
you're finding the conversation, you know, personally, bringing up memories and of your distress in similar circumstances.
Yeah,
I found that hospital system was just slowing up at providing support to people who were in crisis.
You found that you were when you were in the hospital working? Your observation was that that distressed you because the hospital was so slow in satisfying or addressing problems?
Well, it was my experience that they they didn't know what to do.
You're really stating that the competence of the professionals is in doubt. because they just didn't know what to do,
or they didn't want to spend the money, like we had a recreation budget that was like pennies, literally, they would not provide crayons, there was not activities for people to do. And meanwhile, they have taken the time to have a police officer, pick up a patient, restrain them, handcuffed them, and bring them to hospital, put them on a form and lock them up. And yet, provide no activities, bare minimum activities for them to call, once they got in, in the hospital.
Your attention focused on this stark and horrible contrast, just how lots of money is put into pre restraint. And no money is put into prevention
and care, and care, and cure and healing. So I used to spend a lot of time talking to people and trying to, you know, get a handle on how, how best to direct them in their I would like to call it like a Colombian jail, basically, you know, like, hard rock floors and, and, and guards and threats. And it was just to me felt very, it's like very archaic, there isn't a lot of negotiation going on, there's not a lot of empathy going on. With the patients, it's either you take the medications and accept this care, or you get locked up and tied up and stay here forever, whatever. It's just
you're saying in the course of daily day of work. Your things are almost approached, as if you're in a prison in a third world. Your interactions with co workers and staff tended to be about how to pass messages and deal with the guards and how to survive just to get through the day.
I'm
sorry, not not about that. So my my discussions with my colleagues or my co workers it was different. There's there's the physicians who would dictate and then like not a lot of people would would stand up for the patients. And if they did, there was just a lot of like competition around who's the better nurse as opposed to you know, what are we doing for these people? It was just, I don't know, I call it hell on earth. Sorry.
So you're saying there's no human ship? No. Cooperation among staff? No empathy? No. Just a very horrible working environment.
You feel Yes, I feel fully heard. Thank you. Okay. Well, thank you. Matthias,
would you respond?
I would love to
I mean, listening to the conversation, and I was thinking back to my younger days, when I was bartending in a mafia bar in San Pablo and hanging out with a criminal element.
Okay, that took me by surprise. So So I hear your your now refer or mentally at a point of time when you were younger and you were a bartender in a mafia bar. And you were hanging out with clientele that most people usually at least not knowingly would interact with?
Yes, and I really didn't understand or begin to understand narcissism and sociopathy and psychopathy until I entered the healthcare business and had to manage and I've worked with about 40 caregivers.
Okay, so you were bartending but you did not learn about or experienced narcissism, sociopathy and psychopathy until you work with about 40 or so Carrie was a caretaker so caregivers, caregivers,
caregivers
I'm having a little internet problem, I'm not sure where it is. So what I've found by supervising caregivers, is some of the best caregivers are extremely narcissistic.
Okay, so you learn that the best caregivers are a little bit narcissistic and you experienced that, or you observe that as a supervisor.
Yes, their success stems from their controlling nature and their wanting to dominate the situation. And so they make a perfect instrument for assisting for example, now simers Or a dementia patient, because they are very good at ordering people around.
Okay, so I hear that Alzheimer's and dementia patient might benefit from from someone who is very controlling and dominating and somewhat narcissistic caregivers fit that profile.
Oh, yeah,
my snaps, it's going in and out. But continuing. Now what becomes interesting is that my relationships with these individuals has improved. Because by doing a lot of empathy circles, I've learned to listen better. In other words, and one of the hardest things I've had to learn is expressions. And other words, if I contort my face and give away my reaction to whatever they're saying, it triggers them and it's almost as bad as saying something.
Okay, so you learn through the empathy circle that expressions matter a lot in the interaction with these individuals. Now, I'm not entirely sure if the individuals refer to the caregivers or the Alzheimer's dementia patients, I would assume the caregivers,
I'm talking 100% caregivers.
Now what's interesting, I've tried a few deflections. And I had one go ballistic on me, and we had
to fire her.
Alright, so I hear that one person that you interact with went absolutely ballistic on you. And as a consequence, that individual had to be let go.
Anyway, I feel fully heard. Thank you.
Thank you, that was a very interesting story. And I would have loved to her hear more. I hope I am not causing too much. lag here. But since it's my turn again, Linder, would you feel okay with dealing with me again?
Sure.
All right, wonderful. So, moving on. So I'm at csdh. Right, I learned that mediation is powerful. And I really began to like I was a fully convert, right? I drank the Kool Aid, you know, I signed up to the cult, you know, I joined the Brotherhood sisterhood. What is a more gender neutral term? And not for myself anyway. So I really felt that the a an ADR right, and alternative dispute resolution should really stand for appropriate. So appropriate dispute resolution.
Okay. Perfect out there. But you're talking about mediation and an appropriate solution.
Right? Absolutely. It's not an alternative. It's so appropriate solution, it should be the default. So at my university, unfortunately, nobody mentioned or, you know, highlighted that, at least in the US. Normally, mediators also have to learn how to run their own business.
Okay, no one ever mentioned to you especially in the US that mediators have to learn to run their own business.
Right. And that was really a problem because the way independent mediators advertise themselves for example, on social media Really introduces a bias.
Um, and from what you've seen, the way that mediators introduce themselves, like on the internet or advertise creates a bias.
That is, right. So when I graduated, and continue my education, I was still working on the side as a software engineer, that's actually not important. But in November 2021, I co founded my company, lux Inc, to build platforms that essentially match ADR specialists with paying customers.
Okay, when you're going to school, you're still working as a software programmer, engineer, whatever. And you created your own business. That match. I'm not sure what the initials you used were with, did you say companies or clients, I'm not sure,
clients, but that's a wonderful segue. Because actually what we're focusing on in 2023, as a company that we are actually looking for small to mid sized organizations like corporations, innovative corporations. So we can, you know, match ADR specialists, like transformative mediators, for example, with paying customers.
Okay, when your goals for 2023 is to match ADRs with paying customers and clients small business or small, small corporations is what you're going after.
That is That is right. Yeah. So actually, last year, we had a proof of concept mediator study I, it uses some fancy blockchain technology, maybe Taylor would have been interested in that. But essentially, the goal is really to bring down the average turnaround time, right? Because if you you know the process, even pre COVID, we had a situation where, on average, in the US if parties already knew about mediation, which is a whole nother topic, decided they want to mediate, right? Deciding on a mediator, they would go like to a website, early 2000s style website directory kind of listing for example, the Southern California mediation Association and they will go one by one Hey, do you mediators fine, what's your availability? What's your rate etc. Right? So that's very problematic, and we reduced that turnaround time significantly to under a week
and I'll stop there but what are the most problematic things and again people with the mediators is the turnaround time and you are bringing that down to something more manageable just because people would have to go and look at look it up and then investigate themselves to make the calls but your company has found a way to bridge that and assist these these clients to to get mediated settle word mediated is now
it is now be up used all the time. So yeah, thank you I fully, fully hurtfully listened to thank you. And thank you Jonathan for the pointing that out.
Um, Mary, would you be my listener? Definitely. Yes. Okay, no clue what I'm talking about right now, but give it a shot
we were talking about Oh, you were talking. That's it. You are Jonathan. Oh, why don't you two because you're both sort of like in the same field. Talking about narcissists and people that are single minded in their way or the highway try working with teach teachers they are probably the worst as far as my ways the right way there's nothing else okay, so
you're reflecting on Jonathan and my mind are sharing and that you can you can you know you Jonathan brought up north the narcissist I'm sorry, but I couldn't stop laughing. I was hilarious. I don't know if you meant it in a funny way but definitely came across. Sorry. So So Linda, you are picking up on that narcissistic personality type of person and you're saying try working Even with teachers with narcissistic personality just you get your full
part of the problem is teaching is probably the loneliest profession, because you may run amongst your peers in the morning grabbing coffee, coffee machine, whatever. But once that bell rings, you are totally isolated with your children, basically, for the rest of the day, because most teachers are copying or working through lunch or making phone calls, whatever. So basically, it's you and these little people for six and a half, seven hours a day, and it just gets terrifying at times.
So the coffee is the key point there. So when you're, when you're in between copying, and doing the coffee, and then you're running back into your class, you're you're when you're in the class, you're basically alone, you're on your own, and it can be terrifying. Yeah,
just because if you think about it, you have these little people or not so little people. Oh, that's the cat's tail bail, you're confusing me. Because something can go wrong like this. And just like you can't in a medical facility. But at least there may be other people around you. But in the classroom, it's you and the emergency.
Yeah, so being in a being in a classroom with, you know, a whole classroom full of little, little people that may have a medical emergency, you don't have backup. And so that's terrifying. I can't imagine. Sorry, I just, I can't imagine how it must feel for you. Sorry.
That's one thing I did with my students, whether they were the second graders or the seventh and eighth graders, I would teach them that, cuz I had some health problems, blood pressure, that sort of thing. I would teach them that if I tell you to get your things and go to Mr. Boyce's room, you do it, or you go get some, you know, they would know to follow my directions, and they would know what it was something that they should be aware of. But they knew how to do these things, which was great because it did work. But they also knew, because I was in a portable that was about a block away from the main office and help. But they also this little kids could run knew to run but they also could go next door and grab a teacher or something like that. And it teaches them flexibility and responsibility.
So in your experiences with being in an A in one of those things, call the portable miles away from the school in any kind of any kind of emergency supports. You had to teach the children and it's still into the children that you run for help and when I asked you to listen to go for help, they would listen to you and they would go and they would know that it is an emergency so you felt that you the kids were there basically backing you up as an as an adult to to to be there in a medical emergency.
Yeah, just one more little thing. I would always tell my kids don't tell me anything. Come whining to me unless there's bone sticking out or gushing blood. And I was standing on a desk doing something on the wall and I sort of twisted and slipped and I turned to my kids and I go you have nothing to say and Joe so remember little Joey he goes, but Mrs. Jones, you told us only if it's gushing blood or bone sticking out. And it was like damn, they did listen.
Oh, so it kind of backfired on you a little bit where you told them don't tell you anything unless it's a bone sticking out or gushing blood so basically near death and that you yourself ended up twisting your ankle and got it kind of thrown back at you that Yeah, well you told us no, we're not running.
Thank you I feel fully heard.
That's an amazing story. And I really empathize with your your experiences.
So do I think
okay, so maybe I need to lighten it up a little bit and I'm feeling it's true. When when I get talking about work it's like I go down this rabbit hole and it's like oh, there's a dark darkness at the end there and there's no wind no window.
So
yeah, so
my God, what do I say?
Pick a listener?
Pick a listener first. Oh shoot Mathias, I'll take you again
so
in my rumbles in life and hasn't been all that dark and drab I believe that I may have shone the light for some people and so I need to really do that for myself. I need to turn that around on onto me
being in that system, though,
or Jonathan was talking about a narcissist could not get out from underneath a lot of the narcissist at work and that partly like this group is amazing because being around other human beings who do listen might open my heart a little bit because pose it was pretty knocked down by by the the lack of ears, the lack of heart and soul there. I mean, there there were definitely people with hearts and souls but they weren't. Wasn't like that's why they were there. Were there for the money, which is really sickening.
So, yeah, thank you for sharing again. So what I hear is that you understand that you know, it is up to you, you're very, you, you're being proactive right now, right? However you point out that you've been influenced by the narcissist in your work. At the same time, you really feel empowered by this listening community.
Yeah, thanks for listening. So I don't know, I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't know where I'm gonna go from here. Part of me just wants to get a knapsack on my back and just go and travel the world and just forget about everything. Because it can, it can get to be too much.
So I hear that you have you're aware of all the opportunities that you have. Right? Where do you go from here, there's plenty of opportunity. And one opportunity is to just travel the world you know, focus on other things forget about you know, your prior experiences for a while.
And that would be nice
cuz there's just too
much pain, there's a lot of pain in my head and, and my body. So I tend to take things in too much and absorb them. And yeah, so I need to let go a little bit more. Anyways. So I'm drawing more, I love to draw. So I'm doing that it's dark up here in Toronto. I don't know about you guys. But this darkness is just to help. I have my my light. My sidelight, my d3. It's a bit of sunshine out there. So I might go for a walk. Just doing a lot of self care, I guess. This is part of it. And I really appreciate being here. And sorry, I didn't mean to bring everybody down about my I don't know if anybody else's watched echo three.
On apple.
It's about a Colombian prison. Yeah, and once once the woman escaped, she wants to go back. Oh the Lord.
I don't want to do that. Yeah.
All right. So first of all, you share a fear Dad, you bring others down. You're also acknowledged, you also acknowledged that, you know, I hear that you watch this, this show where you know, a person escapes her prison and then ultimately puts her self back in this miserable situation. You are experiencing pain in your body and head because you take tend to take in a lot and internalize it. And you acknowledge for yourself that you need to let go of things. I'm very glad to hear that you are doing more drawing, which you love. So also editorial comment, do more of that. And you're based in Toronto right now, it's a little bit dark, I can empathize with that feeling. I grew up in Hamburg, Germany, which is, I guess, the Seattle of Germany, or the Toronto of Germany. But you you're taking steps, right? You're, again, we're proactive, you do those things, you you know, you seek light, you take vitamin d3, you walk, you do self care, part of this is this empathy circle this listening circle, so you do more of that, which is nice to hear. And if I may add a comment. I hope you can do more of that. And let go of the pain more and more. You. Thank you, I
hope. Thanks.
Okay, so Edwin gave us the 10 minute mark. And so we still have time for one or two more. And some it is your turn to speak pick. Listen.
All right, Jonathan, please. I think I won't take the whole time. That's all right. So picking up with, you know, the focus of my company, we're trying to attract small to mid sized organizations to be paying customers.
Continuing with discuss in your organization, you're trying to attract small and midsize businesses, and you dropped out? Okay. That is correct. A lot of trouble
is between us for tax works. Yeah. So a couple of things where we can help with, there's, I would say three main areas. The first one is internal mediation, right? If there's disputes within an organization, that can be as severe things as sexual harassment. But it can also be things like, hey, we have a problem here, for example, share ownership, especially in startups, co founders might end up working in various capacities than originally agreed to enter trial mediation can just solve that conflict. That's the first one.
Dropped out again.
So your organization provides resources on a number of different levels, from on the employee level, employee to employee level, perhaps regarding sexual discrimination or harassment, or on the higher level, which would be resolving disputes between partners that own an organization.
That is correct. The second area could be then more along the lines of which historically would be taken up by qualified product or project managers. So facilitation of meetings, like planning meetings, or retrospectives. And the intent there is that people, or I guess ADR specialists really bring out more the voices of everyone's right, that everyone gets truly be taken serious a chance to speak their mind and what's what are the worries, what are the concerns, so those can be surfaced earlier, before these issues become a bigger problem, and I'll stop there.
So you're saying that beyond the obvious intervention to control some ongoing problem, your organization specializes in looking at the system background, so that you can put in place additional meetings and requests and opportunities to facilitate communication in order to avoid problems in the future.
That is much better phrase than I said. Yes, absolutely. And the third piece is that now bringing mediation serve versus two employees as employee benefit, because to me, it is really important. And this is maybe counter acting, what's going on with, you know, cold layoffs and all that stuff that there are organizations that truly care and they can show that by offering employee benefits, like access to mediation services. So if I was an employee at a company and I have some family conflict, marital dispute, or something like that landlord tenant, that I can utilize a mediation service such that we provide as well, to deal with that. So it does not also affect work life that much because it's solved.
So I hear you saying that your your service is almost as essential as the electricity or the water in a business, and that business's efficiency and the employee morale and camaraderie could be enhanced if businesses incorporate mediation as a as a daily occurrence. In other words, why let things get out of control? Let's build mediation into the system so that we can thwart problems in
the future. That's right. I
feel fully listened to fully heard. Thank you.
You're certainly very welcome. Okay,
I don't know how much time we have. I'm just gonna interject quickly, just because I'm enticed. This guy, James Adams actually came to one of these circles about a month ago, and he wrote this book, and he worked with the US military in the same area the ball. And so just wanted to give you that reference, you may know him or you may know of him, or you might want to contact him, because he seemed to have worked in the same area that you did. Okay. Sure.
For two minutes for me.
Yeah, sure. Absolutely. I'm sorry, Jonathan, just want to make sure I got that in my apologies. Go right ahead. And then
maybe we can do a quick recap. I James came to my mind also when the issue of of global or larger conflict resolution came up. And what struck me or what I took away from that marvelous exposure, by the way I did buy his book and read it is it is the structural complexity that he's dealing with, and how he is focused on extreme inordinately large and powerful organizations and forces that are moving, and how there are degrees of negotiated peace, which rely upon these large forces being still in place. And his classification of moving through the stages towards normalization. My my focus, as I said, in the introduction today, is really working on the grassroots level. And what I what helps me
in my life
is seeing the local and seeing the global, and realizing the incredible complexity to get from one to the other, and I'm gonna just relinquish my time, because I'd like to hear everybody's summary or kind of like a before we split.
Okay, I don't know how much time we'll have here. But basically, I'll just do a real quick and dirty. So you bought James Adams book and read it? And would your concern, which we would caught your attention was the difference between these large and complex organizations and dealing with the layers of these complexities in order to achieve some sort of mediation, some sort of acceptable mediation thing and I know I didn't do it justice, but I wanted to leave it open for other people. You.
You read his book, it is so complex, it is complex. Thank you, I feel understood.
Okay. Great. We have fifth I guess we're all leaving.
We do a summary on the big room. Sure.
Anything else? Anybody? I want to have our
I just want to say I think there's so many competing, competing interests when it comes to trying to try to make it one one voice it's there's a lot of personalities and a lot of interests in finances and stuff like that. It's just can become a big mess. It has to be a one voice one signal.
One.
Like, you know, the idea of empathy. One sort of idea.
Great, anybody else?
I enjoyed this group and I enjoyed meeting you all.
Yeah, me too.
Well, thank you,
Joy.
Thanks a lot, everyone.
Okay, see you in the big room here.
So welcome back, everyone. We're gonna do a debrief now. And Larry is going to guide us through that. And Barry, do you have the the thing to post in the chat or do you want me to I just posted it. Right over to you, Larry. And then after Larry Edwin will tell us next steps.
All right. Thank you. Welcome back, everyone. So we would like to take a look at, we'll go around the room and have you share your experience of the empathy circle. So take about 30 seconds to share about your experience, and the insights and the on the role of empathy in peacebuilding. And I'll just call around the room. Crystal, can I start with you please?
Oops Shawn, you better listening skills, so that we can respond and I hope Aaron's manner? Careful. Thanks, David. That is a great segue to turn it over to John, who's going to lead us through some of those skills that you mentioned.
I know somebody's got another call open. I don't know who that is. But
that's right. We are our
buddy mutes himself. Okay. It was Linda. Okay, I needed her.
Thank you, Larry, I just want to say what a pleasure it was being in a circle with you. And our group, and it was my first time facilitating, and we had more of an open circle, and I was trying to honor Edwin's process, and then meet the needs of the people in our room. And it was beautiful to see people step up and say, Hey, we have this unmet need. Let's, you know, wrap ourselves around this person and meet their needs. And we did that. And we allowed each person to respond to the needs of the one person had addressed. And then Melanie beautifully said, you know, now let's ask if this person's needs have been met. And once they were complete, we then were able to move on to someone else who had had some unmet needs in the circle. And I think it's really the evolution of this empathy circle process, going deeper, honoring what Valerie had presented before as how we can come together in the circle, and then be flexible to meet the needs of the people in the circle. And it was just a joy. Thank you, Larry.
Thank you, Crystal. And Helga, would you share your experience today, please?
Okay, just observing, she came in at the end.
Thank you. And Sally, would you share your experience, please?
Oh, yeah, a little bit in kind of shaking things up a little bit. And I know Alana, really wanted to, but to help a circle, and to have a little bit of feedback, like a minute from everyone. And just on her frustration over that people are just caught up in not talking to one another. And that really wants to really communicate.
So,
um, we did, like, actually implement a little bit of Valor Valerie's new method, and, you know, kind of empowered with Yeah,
Make sure we take 30 seconds everyone's we have time to listen to everyone.
Thank you, Sally and Jonathan, would you share please
I'm very grateful to have been here today. I was able to meet some new people. And we all empathize with each other about the struggles that we have in healthcare and in life.
Thank you. Thank you, Jonathan.
Ilona, would you share please? Well
so I think
this in the same name. You mean Elena or Ilana? Hizzoner? Elena, that's me. Okay, what I found this very interesting this circle because we start this five minute each one turn deck. And to the end, I opened the circle as a speaker and put a question in and we share with each other. And to the end, it comes together as a whole story. And I had the feeling that we are being at once we understood each other. It was a very great experience. And I really love it.
Thank you, Ilona. And now Elaina, would you share, please. Thank you.
So yeah, thank you for having me this opportunity to be able to get part of this empathy circle today. It has been really good experience for me, even if English is not my first language, and I hope I can continue. Thank you.
Thank you, Elena. And Amit, would you share, please? Yeah,
it was a new experience for me too. So thanks for that.
In the circle, it was like,
somebody has to say something. And the other one, the active listener was listening and just responding or reflecting the same thing, same meaning or maybe many times same phrase, just to just just for other listeners as a
solicitation, or support? I
think. So.
It's a kind of exercise.
I think it was good. It was different for me.
Thank you, Amit. And Linda, would you share please?
Yeah, I met some new people today. And it was very interesting, different walks of life, and parallels of different professions with the same issues. And so it was very informative. And I'm looking forward to the next one. Thank you all
for having me.
Thank you, Linda. And DJ, would you share things?
Oh, we had a marvelous, precious empathy circle where empathy was paramount. And I feel like I have friends for life right now. With all of them. Love you.
Thank you, DJ. And Susanna, would you share please? Yeah,
I had gone to one of the training before. And when I left it, I had said, I really could try this in my relationship and see how it helps me get into conflict. And I had shared this time that I didn't do it. Because I felt like when I was triggered or feeling defensive that I couldn't slow down enough to actually become aware and practice this. So just something that I need to work on some more. But then Elena asked, you know, Does, does this practice of the empathy circles actually help? You know, can you take it out into your personal life? Can you take it out into the real world and Jana gave a really great example of being able to do that and how you know, going through the trainings and doing the practice for the last year has helped her to just recognize when someone's not feeling heard, and to help them feel heard and then also for herself, knowing when she's not feeling heard, and then to ask for flexion back for that empathy is
Thank you. So Lana, and Jana, would you share please? Yeah, we
had initially six, and then five people in the group. And it was very touching and very moving. very heartfelt. And I'm very grateful to everyone who was in the circle. Thank you.
Thank you,
Jana. And Matias, would you share, please?
Yeah, thank you. Just like Jonathan, I felt the experience was very, I feel gratitude. I was grateful. I'm grateful. It was a pleasant experience. We have built empathy through reflective listening and got to know each other a bit. So that was very valuable. As far as the role of empathy and peacebuilding and the context of today's session, I think, you know, we listen to each other, which can be a healing experience, and was also helpful for me because I was able to share what I'm doing with mediation. The reflections that I got back, were helpful to see if I communicate well enough, because English is not my native language. And lastly, I got a good recommendation for further reading. So looking forward to the next circle.
Thank you, Marty. Yes. And yeah, sick, would you share, please?
Thank you for this circle. Just very encouraging. That inspired me. And that has convinced me to share empathy cafes with my family, which I've been trying to do for a long time. Now is the time. Our breakout room was very creative. And we designed the process partly as we went along. That was new for me. I learned from it. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Take
Carolyn, would you share please?
Carolyn,
you're on mute Carolyn. do pray, would you share, please?
You're on mute. Okay.
There you go. Thank you.
Yes. I was looking for the unmute button here. So how does empathy have impact in peacebuilding? For me with this experience, this afternoon I've shared with my group, actually, I was noticing this week that I was needing empathy, and that the people who I was sharing with what I was experiencing, lately, were not giving me empathy, but they were giving me their thoughts about it, which was not nourishing my need for empathy. And, and today, just having reformulations and reflections of whatever I was saying, back to me was renowned for an opportunity for me to experience peace, and come back to my inner peace. So in my perspective, when the need for empathy is nourished, inside me, it sustains me to come in the world from a place of peace and more inner peace. So I'm really grateful for this experience. Thank you.
Thank you, Carolyn. And Angela, would you share please.
Just wanted to thank everybody for sharing whatever they shared, whether they were a participant in my group or the lady facilitating, you know, it takes a lot of personal courage and also time out of your lives to organize an empathy cafe. So I just wanted to say thank you.
Thank you, Angela. And
Melanie did already call you know, okay.
You know, I was thinking about this quote that I like it says, change your communication, change your brain. And I've been on this journey changed my brain for many, many years. And every time I get to experience a empathy circle, I get a little bit of exercise, changing my brain, just observing what's going on with me and each and every moment. Am I in judgment, or am I fully present to someone or what you know, so, I appreciate these empathy circles because it really, it's, it's helping me on my journey to change my brain.
Thank you, Melanie. And Mary, would you share please? Hi, yeah, we
had a really nice MPC circle, a lot of collaboration around I'm some supports that are out there. I felt supported, I felt I expressed some feelings. And I felt that I got empathy in return. So it was a good experience for me.
Thank you, Mary. And Bill, would you share please?
Yeah, I'm always really amazed about the people that come. I think the the empathy circle process is great. But I think it's the people and the complexity and everything that they share that really, you know, just is constantly new and evolving. So I really have tremendous amount of appreciation for everyone. Thanks. Thank
you, Bill.
Thank you, Bill. Anna, would you share, please? Sure, thank you.
We had a lovely group facilitated by Kathy. And it was everyone we had a listening exercise today, listening and reflecting back. And we found basically that all of us as well singing at least I found that everybody was singing from the same page, because we had all the songs similar background and done similar work in a sense and research and stuff. So but so worried about the points that came out how important it was to unlearn things, how important it was to respect people. And, and if people were being fully heard, and if they felt that they could express that. So thank you very much for the lovely group.
Thank you, Anna. Nothing, toenail. Nathanael, would you share, please,
that's me, I would like to say thank you to everyone who participated in small circle with me, but also, the idea that we're sharing the group, this is my first time in the circle. And I am always fascinated about learning about empathy, since we lived in a very polarized world. And not just in the country that I am in, but into all the regions of the world, that polarization exists. And so empathy would be one of those doors that open to allow us to connect peacefully. So I appreciate all the work. I appreciate all the bringing the people together as well, and anyone who share those ideas. Thank you.
Thank you. That's an L. And Kathy, would you share, please? Yeah,
we had a very interesting group. I could have listened to everybody all day long. But it was very short. So yeah, thank you all.
Thank you, Kathy. And I'd like to share that I just love these empathy circles. And we're going to keep coming back. What an awesome circle we have today. And then how was your experience today?
Yeah, I was all alone in this in the waiting room. We're trying something different, because people come late sometimes. And then we usually just message them and say, oh, you know, you've late, you know, come back next time. We're trying somebody being in the weight room, and then letting people in and, and greeting, I'm actually three people came, and I had a really good conversation with them explaining what we're doing. And so yeah, the, let me just share also the next steps. And I just put a link some links in to the into the chat. So that's the monthly Conflict Transformation series that we're doing. The next one is March, that's a little bit more than a month. And there's the link there that you can sign up and you can volunteer, there's fallen links to volunteers. If you're part of an organization that would like to be a co host, you can find all the information about the series there. The second link is for our training, cohort, 12 F. That's the empathy circle facilitator training next week in this time slot, and for the next six weeks, we'll be holding that training, you'll learn how to facilitate an empathy circle. And we're actually adding, we used to do five sessions. Now we're doing six. And the sixth session is going to be about using the empathy circle for conflict mediation. So how do you actually do some mediations, it's just a taster. It's really a longer course on how to we need a whole separate course for how to do mediation, but it will be just sort of an introduction to it. My contact info is there, Edwin rutsch@gmail.com. If you have any questions, feel free to email me. And also there's a feedback form the last link there. If you just take a second right now to click on that, if you just click on it, it'll open up a Google form and just add your email your name, and we can add you to our email list. And it's just any kind of feedback suggestions for how to improve or develop the use of intro cafes. So with that we'd like to thank you all for attending and we'd like to end with our jazz hands and Bill just put in as empathy in the schools info link you can grab all that and if you're a facilitator if you get stay back just for a debrief we like that and let's get all those on meet everybody. We can get get a group portrait. We hold those, hold those jazz hands. Let's get it Yeah, there we go, everybody and on it's a nice ending photograph. Goodbye for now. And thank you so much for taking part. Thank you. Thank you.
