Chess Master & Crocheter: A Love Story w/ Disability Advocate Jessica Slice
8:49PM May 27, 2022
Speakers:
Keywords:
disability
david
jessica
blanket
called
books
love
people
essay
date
thought
crocheting
best chess player
met
feel
story
scarf
relationship
judy
crochet
Finding love can be difficult for anybody but what is it like dating with a disability? Today we have a romance all about trust patients and finding that magic spark. I'm Alisha Rai. And I'm Sarah Wendell. Welcome to lovestruck daily where we bring you a true love story each and every weekday.
I'm in love with love with you. Hello there, Alicia. Hi, Sarah. You know, one of my favourite things about our friendship is that from the very first point that we met, I always felt like I was safe to tell you pretty much any of the weird things that are wandering around in my brain.
Yeah, I would agree with that. I think I do tell you most of the weird things that are wandering around in my brain with no judgement, which is and
the weirdness of my brain loves the weirdness of your brain. So what are some of the ways that our relationship maybe your relationship with chi, or we relationship with your friends, makes you feel safe?
Well, you know, I think I think chi is probably the first relationship I've had where I felt totally safe. But I remember the guy I was dating before chi, I remember distinctly, there was one time where he was meeting his peers, and I was there to join him. And then we were gonna go, but I had the car. And so I parked, and my car wouldn't start. I like went to go start it to meet him at the place, which was like, you know, a block away. And I called him and I said, my car won't start. I think the battery's dead. And he was like, Oh, no problem. And I thought, like, oh, he'll come over. And he was like, let me I have Amex. Let me just call them and I'll get you someone to come and jump your car. I was like, fine, that's fine. And so I was so sad. But I didn't. I couldn't figure out why I was sad. I was just really, really sad.
I am sad for you. He was a block away. Yeah,
he was a block away. And I was like, yeah, he maybe should have come, but it's okay. Like he sent the tow truck. That's very nice of him, you know. And fast forward to my relationship with Kai, one of the first things like I think about four or five months in I had to travel and this was during the pandemics. I was stressed out about travelling. I can't imagine why. Yeah, also, I had to have a minor. My sister did a minor surgery on my foot before I had the surgery. I said, Is this gonna hurt? Like, you know, because I'm travelling tomorrow. And she said, Yeah, it'll hurt tomorrow. I was like, okay, and meanwhile it hurt for like a month. So she casual about that sort of stuff, cuz she's very happy tolerance. But she's better with her patients anyway, I could not walk from my gate. When I landed at Burbank airport, I cannot walk from my gate to the Uber. And I like, hey, you know, I was like, in so much pain. My phone was like bleeding. He came over. I got home at 1am. He was at my house at 2am. And I was like, so tired. And he went to like, move my foot or something. And I was like, Joe judge. What happened? And he undid the gauze. And he was like, why wouldn't you call me? Oh, it was the most life like changing moment in that one spot where I thought, Oh, I couldn't call him
and he would have come I have a person to call. Yeah.
And that I think was one of the turning points in our relationship for me. Then I thought, Oh, this is not like any other relation. I have somebody now who is safe and dependable and reliable. I mean,
reliability, I think is an underrated asset.
very underrated, very, very underrated,
very underrated. And when you've been independent for a long time, it's very hard to accept help.
But listen, I have an amazing, amazing interview for you today.
I'm so excited.
Are you ready? Yeah. Jessica slice is a disability advocate who has been published in The Washington Post Huffington Post cosmopolitan Disability Visibility and the New York Times Modern love blog, which is where we found her story. Jessica has eyler Danlos Syndrome, a painful genetic connective tissue disorder plus dysautonomia, which affects her ability to sit, stand, digest and regulate temperature. How did all of this affect her dating life? She's here today to tell us all about her very crochet friendly love story. And we cannot wait to hear every single word. Please welcome Jessica. Jessica, welcome to the show. We are so pleased to have you here.
Thank you. I am so happy to be here.
So I have many, many questions. We have a lot of questions, but from the start, would you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Yeah, I am a 39 year old author and essayist and I live in Ontario with my My husband and my son, fabulous.
I do love the term essayist. It's a great job description. People don't use it. Right, people don't use it. I agree with that. So, Jessica, I was wondering if you would tell us how did you meet David?
We met on OKCupid Oh, old school. Yeah, I
guess it dates me is now.
And I had become disabled about four years before. And so I was still navigating dating while disabled. And I didn't explicitly mentioned my disability on my profile, but I just answered the questions very, honestly. And so like, one of them, you know, said, what can you not live without? And I said, sitting down, resting, you know, I like, made it clear, I was not an adventure person, you know, a physical sense. And it said, like, what do you do for work? And I said, mostly reading a lot and crocheting, which was obviously not a paying job, but it made it clear that, you know, I was trying to allude to my physical reality. I didn't feel like it was anyone's business at that point. Fair. I've sort of changed my tune on that now. So I met David there. And we our first date was at a rose garden in Oakland. So nice. Yeah. And he was waiting for me on a bench. And he had this backpack full of books, I guess that he's like, come prepared to discuss because we both really like books. And he had Studs Terkel working. Joan Didion Slouching Towards Bethlehem, I can't remember what else. And he was just very sweet. I remember that he took his scarf off and put it on me. Oh, he says there is no way he would have presumed to put a scarf on me. He thinks he would have handed it to me very gently. So there's some disagreement, but I was wearing his scarf by the end. So there were two things that really showed me who he was on our first date one. I asked him if he liked playing any strategy games, because I was at that point very into this game called hive. And I really wanted him to play hive with me, I had it in my purse, and he said, Ah, I used to like games when I was a kid, but not as much anymore. So when I Googled him after the date, I found out that David at seven years old, he was the second best chess player in the entire country under the age of 13.
What listeners what you can't see right now is that both Alicia and I made the same open mouth Holy crap. Are you kidding? Face like utter shock face?
I used to like games.
Okay, so I've seen Queen's gambit. And I am very impressed.
We are very, very
I don't know much about chess beyond that. But I think that's pretty cool. So
he used to be into games in David's language he used to be in two games was I was the second best chess player in the country at the age of seven. Yeah,
that's what he's like.
We stand an understatement King. Yeah,
yeah. Also, it can be confusing if he gets something like a cold because he'll say I feel a little sick. And I'm like, so what would a normal like non understated person say about this?
I need you to overstate sir.
Just state but, and the other thing on our first date, I was telling him the story about something that had happened to me a couple of weeks before where someone really got in my face, and made me feel really unsafe. And I at the beginning of the story, I said, Well, it was kind of my fault, because I sat on an inside seat, which meant the outside seat was available for someone to sit on. And David said before you tell me anything else. I want you to know whatever happened next was not your fault. Oh, yeah.
Please tell David the king of understatement that we are big fans of his. Yeah,
that's very sweet, big,
big fans. Yeah. Nice. Tell me about your modern love article, which absolutely ripped my heart out in the most beautiful ways. Excellent job at being an essayist is what I'm saying.
Thanks. You know, I wrote that article or that essay, sort of spur the moment and I really didn't think it would get much traction. Because I thought the story about how I had trouble falling in love with my husband would be maybe unrelatable or boring to other people. That you know, the story is like, there's this guy who's really nice to me, and I didn't like or I tried to like him and couldn't. And most of my writing is about disability. You know, I'm disabled. And a lot of my writing is about parenting and also about disability and parenting. And this was like a little bit of a departure. So
give us a quick recap of your essay for anyone who will be listening who hasn't read it, which they showed, it'll be in the show notes if you're not. But what was the what was the focus of this essay?
So the essay was about how when I met David, he was really kind to me. And we really, and we connected emotionally. I trusted him. I liked him. I was attracted to him. But every time he did something kind, I felt an almost like visceral repulsion to him. Wow. And I kept trying to push through it. And I was talking about it with my therapist. And finally, a few months in, I was like, you know, I just need to admit, this isn't right. I can't force it. I can't force love. And so I broke up with him. And for that first day, I was like, Oh, I'm free. I don't have to fight through these feelings anymore. And then after about 24 hours, I was just like, oh, no, what have I done. We'll be
back after this short break.
And I didn't contact David, because I knew it was sort of up to me to think through this. And so I was crocheting a lot at that time. And I started making, I think I was intending it to be a blanket, maybe a scarf, and I started crocheting, and I bought this weirdly expensive, local yarn. And just was thinking a lot about what had brought me to this point where I was 33 with someone who was incredible and just couldn't bear to be with them. And after about a week, I had crocheted so much and bought so much yarn I had spent $390 Making a blanket.
Anyone who crochets or knits or does any kind of fabric Arts is now listening and just nodding, going, yep. This is a very textile love story. And I just want you to know that I am here for it in every regard. Crafters are now their hearts, any crafters listening, their hearts are just melting in their chests. This is yeah, this is high grade textile romance right here.
Really, which at that stage in my life, I was like, on a very tight budget. I had no business spending $390 on a blanket. And I wrote to David and asked if we could talk and I had realised during that week that it wasn't David I was repulsed by it was stability, and that I had because of early experiences and past relationships become so used to to drama and to uncertainty and to the does he like me, will he call me back? Can I earn his love? I had become so used to that pattern that David's honesty and earnest this was repulsive. And, and I realised I wanted to keep trying with him. So we got together. And he had during that week about a psychology book to learn about why people have a hard time sometimes sticking in healthy relationships. So he had with no thought that we would be getting back together decided just to learn about me. What a good dude. Yeah, really incredible.
Good job calling him back. He sounds marvellous.
He's Yeah, he's, he's incredible. So we talked and I, I, it wasn't like I gushed and was like, Oh, I'm in love with you. I was like, I kind of want to keep trying, and I'm sorry, this is so hard for me. And he said, Okay, please don't break my heart again. And, and we kept trying, and I fell in love with him really slowly. And it took a lot of therapy to fall in love with him. But the way our love has grown, feels sustainable and feels honest and real. And like the kindest, most safe relationship I have been in and that I could imagine.
It's a it's somewhat metaphorical that you are crocheting a blanket because you ended up creating this relationship that was very safe and blanket like,
yeah, it is. A few years after that. I got in a car accident. Oh goodness, and it was minor ish. But he David was working in San Francisco and I was in Oakland, and I called David and he didn't answer he was in a meeting and didn't see my Cause I called them over and over and over again. And then when he finally did answer I said, I was in an accident in Oakland, I need you. And he jumped up, he sprinted to BART, He calculated that BART would be faster than Uber or Lyft. And then, you know, it felt like minutes later, I just see him sprinting down the street in downtown Oakland. I have known since I met him that if I ever say I need you, that I don't have to say anything else. And that I know he will be there every time. And it's, I mean, it's a it's a level of comfort and safety that I never imagined.
That's so beautiful, especially the part about West Coast Railway transit. That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Yeah, yes, I assumed every listener knows what Bart is.
No, I mean, but most people probably do, especially if you've read anything said on the west coast. But just the minute you get public transit involved in an emergency, it's serious business right. Now, I don't want to miss an opportunity to ask you about your books. Please tell me about your books.
I have three picture books coming out with my co author Caroline. One is this is how we play, which is a celebration of how people with disabilities play. So it we interviewed a bunch of families where at least one member has a disability, and asked how they play together. And then each page celebrates a family. Second book is this is how we talk, which celebrates all the ways we communicate. So includes adaptive equipment, and sign language and people who communicate with body movements, just some really beautiful ways that people adapt. And then the third book is Britain with the icon Judy, human, of the disability rights, absolute icon Judy human, and it's a biography of her. And that is, will be officially announced soon. But it's fine to be on this podcast. And we are so honoured to be writing that with Judy. Holy cow.
While you were describing your children's books. I was like, okay, BRB, gonna cry now. Getting a little getting a little choked up. And now I'm just like, holy cow. You're doing a biography of Judy human. This is the coolest movie of my life. Wow, amazing. Congratulations on that. She's been incredible. Where can people find you? If they would like to learn more about your writing?
My website is Jessica slice that calm. Perfect. And you can link to my Instagram there. I have a newsletter where I write about my family, and disability, and a lot about the ducks that live in my backyard.
I'm all about newsletters with animals in them. I subscribe to a farmer's newsletter just so she sends me pictures of goats and it's called okay. It's called affirmation chickens. comes out every Friday. It is fabulous. Every week a goat or a chicken or a cow tells me you've done a great job and you're working really hard and go you it's like it's just the most wonderful thing and the writer of affirmation chickens is a journalist and a writer. So it's, it's chef's kisses, so good. But I understand newsletters about ducks are totally my jam. Thank you so very, very much for joining us. It has been an absolute pleasure talking to you. And I hope that this hasn't been too taxing of an experience as we just squeezed at you for you know, 20 minutes.
Oh my gosh, this was wonderful. Thank you for letting me talk about David.
Oh, it was our pleasure to learn about David the understatement King. We're big fans.
Sarah, Jessica is so delightful. What is your love to go for this episode?
I think today's love to go is if you can marry your blanket. marry the person makes you feel safe and warm and wrapped up and cosy. And as someone who makes quilts there is no better metaphor for feeling loved and protected. agreed
and we would love to know who makes you feel loved and protected. Yeah, so please send an email to lovestruck daily at frolic dot media if you have a love story to share, or any questions or thoughts and please follow us on Instagram and Twitter, especially Instagram. We post all sorts of content there to accompany our episodes. And that is lovestruck daily.
Our researcher is Jesse Epstein. Our editor is Jen Jacobs. We are produced by Abigail steckler and little Scorpion studios with executive producer frolic media. This is an I Heart Radio Podcast we wish you a very happily ever after. I'm in love with you I'm in love with you I'm in love with you
