2023-03-13-Gil-Love When its Hard (1 of 5) Where the Desire to be Kind is Enough

3:06PM Mar 17, 2023

Speakers:

Gil Fronsdal

Keywords:

challenge

kindness

love

reactive

desire

goodwill

happy

impulse

pause

reactivity

space

response

teachers

inquiry

deep

dependent

layers

question

connected

sittings

So hello, and welcome to beginning of the week, and also the beginning of our fourth year of gathering together for these morning sittings and talks. And I'm delighted that we've been going on for three years and how much we've we've connected and support each other and been able to explore the dharma this way. And I'm very happy that we're able to continue now that the pandemic is over, more or less, somewhat enough, that I won't be here as much as I was during the pandemic when I was here every day. So be here, still quite a bit. But we'll have now for the next year, I think we'll have a fair a fair number of guest teachers coming as well to teach these guest teachers that many of them, you know, are very happy to come and be part of this. And I think it's a wonderful, large, happy sangha we have with, with you all with us teachers being here, and I'm happy we're continuing. So, for this week, we still want to continue with the theme of how to practice with the challenges that we have. And but this week, the topic is meeting challenges with love. And the kind of the question that I'd like to offer today is, when for challenges is when we're in challenges, to ask ourselves the question, where's the love? Or what's the loving thing to do? Or where's the kindness? What's the kind thing to do? The, the nature of a challenge, I think often is that we get preoccupied and we get narrow, and our focus gets concerned with what the challenge is. And sometimes there's not that much room, processing room or thinking room or reflective room reflection to reflect on things, when we're kind of involved with a challenge, the more intense the involvement with the challenges, the more our focus on there are becomes narrower and our world becomes smaller and smaller, to be just with that, the concern that is up. And some of these challenges, of course, are huge and tragic. And, but still, they kind of will kind of take all the kind of attention out of like air out of the air out of the room, attention out of the space, so that we're really kind of navigating this small little world over there challenge itself. And to ask the question, where's the love? Or what's the kind thing to do here? begins to open it up again. What, why leave love out? Why? Why leave out the question, what's the kind thing to do? What's kind here in this situation? Sometimes, of course, the challenge doesn't give us time, it's not appropriate to take the time for that. But when a challenge is not, you know, that immediate like immediately has to be addressed. It might be invaluable to take the time to ask where's the love, what would be the kind thing to do here. And, and this kindness, this respect, especially when there's a challenge, there might be a lot of protests, you know, that's not what's needed. Now, that's not appropriate now, or the situation doesn't call for it, no one deserves it. If someone else is involved, I certainly don't want to be kind to them. I mean, I'm angry with them and I just want them to suffer. But if we take the time to step back, back back into ourselves, and appreciate there are layers that have responses that exist within us and begin appreciating that rather than being at the surface response to go deep down. reactivity is always on the surface. It may it might have deep roots inside, but the reactivity is always kind of surface response. And one of the reasons were to meditate to be mindful is to drop below the reactive mind to relax the tensions in the body relaxed tensions in the mind. So we begin have access to some thing else besides reactivity and the strong authority that sometimes reactivity can have over us? And so to, to drop us ask the question, oh, where's the love? What's the kind thing here creates a pause creates a kind of a questioning and inquiry that helps us maybe get below the reactive state of mind and begin to look more deeply what's going on here. It might not be possible to love. Where's the love? I don't know. It's not not available, you might think? What's the kind thing to do here? And that might be too hard to really have an answer. But simply asking the question, if it allows space to for other information to come in, then we can have a maybe a different approach, the challenge we're we're having to address. So as we asked this question, take the pause the inquiry, then we can go down the layers. So if the kind of top layer is what we do, below that is a decision. From what we do, if there's a decision, and below the decision, there's the wish for something we can wish without deciding to pursue it. And so with kindness with goodwill, there, we might not have goodwill tacked on. We might not have made the decision that we want to have goodwill. But maybe deep down inside, we could find a place where yes, kind of it would be nice if there was good will be nice. If there was friendliness here. It'd be nice if it was in this system and the approach what's going on here? And what would that look like? Who would be in kind for? So if you're having technology problems with your computer, then I don't know if it makes sense to have kindness for your computer. But how about kindness for yourself? What is it there's overriding? What's the sense of urgency, what's a sense of frustration, that gets in the way of the value of love, of kindness, of wishing that we have, we have love for ourselves, so wishing we can be kind, just that begins changing the ecology of it all? If the challenge is with someone else and a person, then people do we have nowhere deep down inside? Any desire for their welfare and their happiness? Could we imagine that context where you would have that for that for those people? Or they're, you know, beyond the pale, no way, nothing is possible? Or is there is there? Is it really all the time? Or is the challenge with him contextual? Is there a different context where you might feel some basic ordinary human Goodwill for them and care for them? And maybe there's the desire to be able to do it, even if you can't do it. The desire to do it is a form of kindness is a form of love. And to appreciate the desire to do a desire to have love, that desire to be kind, appreciate that as a form of kindness. I know it's hard to be kind all the time, it's hard to have it. It's hard to want to be to, you know, want welfare for others sometimes. But can you at least want to be able to do it. This is valuable for yourself. It's medicine for us to be able to come back and find that place of basic goodness, basic care. Because if we're not connected to that we're estranged from ourselves chances the chances are we're living a little bit too much in the reactive world and, and, and the projected world and the fantasy world of ideas and concepts and hurts. And do we we don't want to sacrifice we don't want to lose touch with this the place that can't be hurt. That the place that can't be that's not transactional, that's not dependent on anyone being anything even you being anything that's been rather is something before all that. The simplest, rudimentary I wish desire

to want to love to want to be kind to want to care. Take the time to find that maybe if you find that it's easier to breathe, maybe you find that you find there's a little more space and the challenge, maybe if you find that the challenge is still the same challenge, but it's a little bit more space for you, to address it, to be with it, to not be battered around by it as much. Where's the love? What's the kind thing to do? And then to back up, back up inside as deep as you can go, where you find something a little, some inkling, so um, little impulse towards love. Even if it's not love, it's towards love. That's not dependent. On any condition in the world being one way or the other. It's just what the heart does. So this week, I'd like us to reflect on this topic of love and kindness and goodwill, in times of challenge. And, and learn to bring that into the picture. Rather than have blinders on with that often happen with a challenge that we see it from a very narrow perspective. And how do we include their perspective of love, of kindness of goodwill. So thank you very much. And I hope that as you go about your day today, that you can have that find that space within that pause that quiet that you can recognize. impulse to want to be kind to want to be loving. And maybe you can't take it any further than that. And there's no need to feel guilty or feel like you're not loving. Just the impulse towards love. The desire to love is plenty beneficial. Appreciate that. And appreciate it in the privacy of your heart. So it doesn't get complicated with all the issues of life of people, should you or shouldn't you or of course you should when no one needs to know. So thank you very much